Branded Under the New Moon
by ptrtool1999
Summary: Edward returns after ten months to find a stronger, different Bella - confident, sultry, and experimenting with teenage rites of passage. And hiding a secret. Can Edward and the Cullen's find a place in Bella's hardened heart? In this AU of New Moon, Bella did not jump.
1. Chapter 1 - Return

**A/N - Stephanie Meyer owns all.**

**Rated M for mature content.**

* * *

**Chapter 1 - Return**

**EPOV**

Forks, May 2006

As I ran headlong through the forests of Washington State, the miles disappearing beneath my feet, I reflected on the fact that I was actually returning to the one place that I swore I would never visit again - so long as Isabella Swan, my human mate, still resided there. My destination: Forks, Washington. I had left my Bella there the previous September- when I walked out of her life, even at the expense of my own heart - to keep her safe from the dangers of my world.

But as the weeks without her turned to months, and the pain in my heart grew to unmanageable proportions, my resolve to stay away had begun to falter; until finally- _finally_ - I made the decision that I had to return to Bella.

I had spent the last several months holed-up in a damp attic in a Brazilian ghetto, after failing miserably in my attempt at tracking Victoria. I knew that my tracking skills were poor, but I gave it my best attempt, pathetic as it had been. I was unable to focus properly on the hunt, as the constant ache in my chest continually distracted me from my quarry.

So after following a false trail to Brazil, I ended up in a rat infested hellhole. It seemed fitting, as I deemed it a perfect place for an eternally damned creature like myself to fade-away in. And so, I had spent those last few terrible months in a state of hazy semi-consciousness, as close to dreaming as is possible for a vampire. I existed completely alone, the memories of Bella my only company; but as time passed, my determination to stay away finally cracked, my iron-will reduced to nothing in the face of her temptation. I had given-up debating right vs. wrong; about the terrible burden my presence had placed upon her - and was now racing urgently to bask in the light of her love once again.

My existence had truly become a nightmare of endless days and nights since I had left what had become the focal point of my century on earth- my Bella. Shy, selfless, adorably clumsy, and radiant Isabella Swan had turned my bleak and dreary world into one of beauty and light, and I could not exist another moment without her.

As I ran, my thoughts wandered to that last day spent in my hovel; about the final crack that had brought down the wall of my martyred isolation and self-pity; and how, when that final crack appeared, the raging torrent of emotion and love and desire that I had held at bay through the lonely months came roaring through me like a mighty river crashing through the ruins of a shattered dam.

I had been remembering the night in Port Angelas; that glorious first night, when all the walls were down between us. And how my beautiful and brave and inexplicable Bella told me, with no hesitation or fear, that my monstrous nature would not deter her from pursuing a relationship with me; that it was, in her words, 'too late.' The array of emotions that had engulfed me then, as I drove her home in the dark, thrilled me and dazzled me and left me feeling reborn.

But then, creeping into my thoughts like a black miasma, I remembered the events of earlier that same evening; when my Bella was cornered by those four animals, and the plans for her that had festered in their filthy minds. I remembered seeing through their eyes- the fear on her face, the tremor in her voice- and how the predators were savoring the moment before they struck, readying themselves to pounce on her innocent flesh and violating her in unimaginable ways.

Fear coursed through me then, as I sat frozen in my hovel, stronger than I had felt since the night of her fateful 18th birthday. What if she needed me _right now_? How could I save her if I was halfway across the planet? Had not I been the one to label Bella a 'danger magnet'? How could I ever have thought she could be safe without me? How could I leave my heart behind? How could I have been so stupid, so arrogant?

The dam was cracked, my resolve was broken, and I was up and out the door - and on my way back to Bella.

* * *

On my way to the airport in Rio, I had called Alice - my delightful, energetic pixie-of-a-sister, who was always supportive of Bella and I and who loved Bella like a sister. Before the phone had even finished it's first ring, she had answered; she had, of course, seen my decision to return, and she was completely thrilled with the news. She had missed Bella almost as much as me, and knew that it was only a matter of time before I broke and went back to her. I had dismissed her arguments for remaining in Forks last September, confident in my ability to keep my distance and safeguard Bella from my world; but Alice said I would not be able to stay away, and she happily reminded me of it during our call.

I had forgotten, it seemed, a basic Cullen truism : never bet against Alice.

So I had raced to the airport, stopping briefly for a change of clothes to make myself presentable to airport security, before purchasing my ticket and boarding the first flight leaving for the western United States. Seventeen hours later, I finally landed in Seattle, and was now running towards Forks in as direct a path as possible. I raced through the dense forests and low-lying mountain peaks, never slowing, as I grew closer and closer to my destination. I had possessed far too much nervous energy to take the time to negotiate a car rental, and my top speed would match the car's anyway.

As I ran, the wind of my speed caressing my granite skin, I replayed my last conversation with Alice, held while I waited for my flight layover in Houston. She had been barking orders at me in one breath, and catching me up on family news in another. In typical Alice-fashion, she told me to purchase a particular outfit that she 'saw' in one of the airport clothing shops, insisting that I would look great in it, and she knew I wouldn't refuse her. When she was satisfied that I looked 'presentable', the conversation turned to Bella.

Apparently, Alice had not disobeyed the directive I issued to her last September, and she had not used her visions to check on Bella. This surprised and unsettled me; I had expected her to disobey me and check anyway. In fact, I realized, as a sliver of fear swept through my chest, I probably counted on Alice keeping an eye on her. I felt the beginnings of panic setting-in when I realized that anything could have happened over the past ten months, and I would never have known.

I felt physically sick, an impossibility for a vampire, and in a harsher tone than my sister deserved I demanded that she look for her now. But to my shock and surprise, she said she could not see Bella in her visions anymore.

For a single second, my thoughts went blank; when they restarted, a tidal wave of despair threatened to drown me. I began to shake, uncontrollably, with fear - and didn't calm until the shouting voice of Alice, coming through the tinny speaker of the cellphone, penetrated the fuzziness in my brain. She was yelling at me to calm down, telling me that she had checked just today, and that Bella still attended Forks High. When my head finally cleared, I listed to Alice explaining that she probably couldn't see Bella anymore because she hadn't looked for so long - and that she had become desensitized to seeing Bella in her visions.

While this reasoning seemed plausible, a darker possibility perched at the edge of my mind, and no rational explanations would dislodge it. Perhaps, I reasoned, that Alice could not see Bella anymore because Bella was no longer part of - or going to be part of - my family's lives. Perhaps our futures no longer intersected. Perhaps, my darkest subconscious whispered to me, Bella would turn you away.

This possibility filled me with dread, and Alice's reassurances that everything would be fine with Bella and I was only slightly comforting; but I clung to them with the grip of a drowning man, as any other eventuality might have caused me to become completely unglued.

As I jumped effortlessly over a river gorge and sprinted through a deep alpine ravine, I reminded myself to be grateful that Bella had stayed with her father in Forks. I knew she detested the cold, and the wet, and I had been fearful that Bella might have returned to Jacksonville to be with her mother. It was fitting and proper, I thought, that we reunite here, where our unlikely relationship had begun. Plus, moving about in the daytime in sunny Florida would have been extremely difficult with my sparkling skin. But I knew, that for Bella, I would have gone without hesitation. For her, I would go anywhere.

And with that thought firmly in mind - and despite my fear of the unknown, and what Alice's lack of visions meant for mine and Bella's future - I knew that I would soon have her in my sights, and that I would be whole again. I hoped with every ounce of my unbeating heart that all would be forgiven, and she would soon be back in my arms. And I knew, that if Bella could forgive me, and take me back - that I would never leave her side again.

I knew I was close to my goal, as the heavy forests and wild terrain became more familiar to me. As I tore through the living forest, I was distracted, suddenly, by the warm aroma of blood, and my superior hearing picked-up the sound of thudding heartbeats nearby. I knew I should hunt before I was hit with the full potency of Bella's scent, so I veered off course to pursue the herd of deer I had smelled.

My focus narrowed to nothing but the kill, and I became the super-predator that always lurked beneath my civilized veneer. I had not hunted in far, far too long, and being trapped in the confined airplane had pushed my endurance to the limit. My eyes were black as pitch, and the purple bags under my eyes had never been more pronounced.

I quickly took down three deer, and turned back towards Forks, now fully sated.

As I accelerated again, loping effortlessly through the dense canopy, I thought back to the other times I had almost given-up and returned for Bella.

I had been very, very close to cracking on several occasions. My existence in Rio had become unbearable. I had spent weeks at a time, completely unmoving, letting my mind wander to my many pleasant memories of Bella. Over and over I replayed our happiest times together: the meadow, the happy times with my family during the summer, the prom, the night she told me she loved me - all captured in ultra high-definition and endlessly viewable in my limitless vampire brain.

But as my resolve would waver and I would be on the verge of giving up, the pleasant memories and delusions would, invariably, be shattered by the horrible memory of her eighteenth birthday party. When Jasper attacked her, and I threw my beloved into a table of glass plates, causing her overpowering blood to flow freely, and spiking the bloodlust of everyone in my family save Carlisle.

For a brief moment - to my everlasting shame - I was just as crazed as Jasper and wanted to drain her myself, and this same desire dominated everyone in the room. And the realization of this brought my self-loathing to a degree I had never felt before, and fueled my resolve to sever all ties between Bella and the vampire world. I had been determined to put things right; to ignore my selfish desires, risking her life and blackening her soul with every moment she spent with me. To renounce my love; to walk away from our love and my deepest wish to forever have her by my side. Even as the pain of my decision threatened to break me, I knew she deserved so much more than a monster.

With these thoughts spinning through my mind, the final miles disappeared beneath my racing feet, and I wondered, for the hundredth time today, how Bella had fared during our separation. Had she moved on from me easily, as most human females her age were wont to do? Had she missed me even a fraction as much as I missed her?

Or maybe, I selfishly hoped, Bella was like her father - a man who still pined over his ex-wife from sixteen years ago - never moving on from first love. Was it possible she needed me as much as I needed her? My Bella was certainly unique; she was mature, and passionate, and seemed to give of herself completely. So different from most girls her age - and I would have believed that she would miss me desperately, only moving on after enough time had passed to heal her wounded heart.

But if she was like her father - loving someone so fully that they never moved on from them completely - then how could she have believed my lies so readily when I told her I didn't want her anymore? I never understood her reaction that day, finding it impossible to reconcile her actions with the girl I thought I knew. That blackest of days had been on endless replay in my mind, torturing me with its cruelty and pain, punishing me for my sins against my beloved.

But she let me go so quickly! Had I misjudged her love for me? Was she simply 'dazzled' by me, as so many others were taken in by my vampire lures? Was that all there was to her affections? Maybe more than a simple 'crush', as she had told her mother, but certainly not something to distress over for very long?

After the terrible events in Phoenix had occurred, where she greeted me with such desperation in the hospital, I thought her love was strong. And we spent that magical summer together, before the start of senior year, where we grew close and talked about the future. Those memories were so potent, that I would have scoffed at anyone who doubted Bella's love for me. Such a sentiment seemed absurd.

But how to reconcile that with her actions when I left her? I couldn't be sure what she was feeling that day. And I could never read her mind. She was a mystery to me, the only being on this planet able to fully surprise and confound me.

When I had decided that my family and I needed to leave her behind to live a normal, human life, I had come to her house expecting to have to convince her that I no longer loved her; I had dozens of arguments and counter-arguments stored and ready to use against her, and I would not relent. My resolve was absolute, and I would say whatever I had to so that she would let me go and move on with her human life without forever hoping that I would one day return for her.

But to my surprise - and when did Bella not surprise me? - she had needed no convincing at all. As soon as the blasphemy of my indifference towards her had been uttered; indeed, even before all the words had passed from my cruel tongue - I saw something shut down behind her eyes- a darkening of a light, a shadow passing over a beckoning window.

She believed everything I said, and gave-up immediately. I watched in disbelief, realizing she wasn't going to fight for our love.

My last, selfish hope - when I leaned down to kiss her forehead to get one last heavenly inhalation of her luscious scent - was that she would grab onto me, and kiss me, and ask me to stay. But she didn't. She had already accepted my excuses, and had shut down her feelings, turning them off like the flip of a switch. So I turned and ran from her; I ran as fast as I could run, straight back to my car, and fled straight to Alaska to meet my family, who had left Forks the night before. I ran like a coward - never looking back - from the only thing that had every truly made me happy.

I shook my head, clearing it of these thoughts, as I entered the town of Forks. The most important thing to me was seeing her again, bathing in her presence. I could not live in a world that she was not part of, and once I saw her and spoke to her we could worry about the rest.

* * *

I blazed through the familiar landscape, passing our home without stopping. I knew that Alice, Jasper, Esme, and Carlisle were only about an hour behind me, and planned on staying as long as I was here. Their flight from Anchorage - where they were vacationing with the Denali's before returning to their new home in Ithaca - was due to land shortly. Their plan was to rent two vehicles and then head straight for the house in Forks, and wait for me to discuss what our next steps were. I had asked them to not make any premature decisions about staying here, and to please wait for news; but they were too excited about seeing Bella again, and were absolutely sure that she would take me back.

They had missed Bella terribly - Alice most of all - and were very upset with me about turning away from her and then forcing them to abandon her. I knew they all felt extremely guilty about that; but I also knew, in their deepest thoughts, that some of them thought perhaps I was doing the right thing for Bella. That she had been hurt, badly, and could have twice been killed - both times at the hands of a vampire - since she had entered our lives.

But they also all knew, however, that for me, the separation from my mate would be the most difficult thing I had ever endured.

When they finally agreed with me and promised to leave, Carlisle had considered that perhaps, since Bella was human, the mating bond might not be as strong as among two fully mated vampires; and that we could thus be apart, and live happy, separate lives. I knew that he said this mostly to help assuage Esme's worry about me, but he also believed that it might spare Bella from the pain that mates typically endure when they are separated for long periods of time. The only one who could have shed light on how strong Bella's emotions really were was Jasper. And he was absent, as he had fled with Alice after the disastrous party, claiming he was too ashamed to face us and needing an extended break from the family. Thus, we couldn't get his insight into the emotions of the players involved, and my determination to do the right thing for Bella was strong - and my pain was still to raw- to wait for him for consultation.

In retrospect, the bond I felt was indeed that of a fully mated vampire, and my forced separation from Bella was doomed to failure. I had been in constant agony since I had so foolishly left, and only the fleeting distraction that hunting for Victoria provided me buffered any of my pain. Each day, I had to force my hands to stay at my sides, willing myself not to call her, run to her, ravish her - and with each day it got harder and harder to stay away.

I think deep-down, I always knew that I would have come back to check on her before she graduated. And knowing I would be lying to myself when I said that I was only coming for a check, and that if she seemed reasonably happy that I would be able to tear myself away again and go back to my family.

So with my destination now close-at-hand, I ran unerringly on the path that would lead me to Bella's ... to my home.

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**A/N - My apologies for the terrible spacer breaks filled with 'M' and '*' - for some reason FF is removing my html line breaks and paragraph markers if they don't have an actual letter in them. So I can't get away with all asterisks. Sorry.**


	2. Chapter 2 - Discovery

**Rated M for mature content.**

**Stephanie Meyer owns all.**

**Chapter 2 - Discovery**

**EPOV**

* * *

As I tore through the living forest, I finally spotted the Chief's house, still distant through the dense foliage. I stopped at the very edge of the forest, taking deep lungfuls of air, feeling whole. I felt elated, and the first genuine smile since september of last year stretched my mouth wide.

I was home, and I was a fool for ever leaving her. My heart and body belonged to Bella, and I was eager for her to reclaim them.

Bella's truck was parked in the driveway, but I could detect no heartbeats from within the house. Had Bella been there, I would have known in an instant, as the beat of her heart was the most significant sound in my world. I could detect it from almost a half mile away, discern it's unique sound from everyone around her.

Oh, how I missed that beat; how it would speed up at the sight of me, causing her face to redden with her telltale blush. How it would stutter when we kissed, how it would smooth out and soothe me she slept in my arms, and how it would race when she opened her beautiful eyes to me in the early morning. Thinking of her, knowing I would soon be talking with her, made me feel alive, like my own stone heart beat in my chest.

I needed Bella; I knew that now. I would never again make such a foolish mistake as leaving. Nothing would ever part us again. I would beg her for her forgiveness, make myself her slave, do anything for her.

As I thought these pleasant things, the shrill sound of my cellphone interrupted my fantasies. The ringtone identified the caller as Alice, and I quickly answered the call, feeling lighter than I had in months.

"Hello Alice," I said, the happiness evident in my voice.

"Oh Edward, I am so excited for you! It's been too long. You should never have left," squealed Alice, her excitement and effusiveness echoing through the phone.

I chuckled softly. I had missed my sister. "I know, Alice. I will never leave her again, if she lets me stay," I ended quietly.

"She loves you Edward, of course she will let you stay. I have no doubt!" exclaimed Alice.

I hesitantly asked : "Have you seen anything Alice?"

For the first time, I sensed uncertainty coming from her. "Well, not so much. I cannot get a read on her. It's like she is a blank to me, and then she suddenly pops up for a moment, but is very blurry. I don't know why."

This worried me, and I needed an explanation. "Can you see anything solid Alice? Anything that will help me?" I was not too proud to ask for help. For Bella, I would crawl on my knees across the world, begging, if that was what was required to win back her heart.

"Well, I see her getting home soon, and I see her turning around as you approach her. But beyond that, it's not clear."

I pondered this a moment, before Alice continued; "School is letting out about now, so she should be home shortly. I don't know how she got to school, as I can see you at her house now and her truck is there," she finished.

"OK, Alice. Thank you. For everything."

"It will all work out, Edward. We are here for you. Come back to the house when you can, or call us later. For now, just worry about you and Bella. We are going out for a quick hunt and then we will finish getting the house ready."

We said our goodbyes, and I closed my phone, waiting impatiently for Bella to arrive. A few cars would appear at the end of the street, but all of them passed by her house without stopping. I spent a few idle minutes wondering who had taken her to school. Angela? Or perhaps that scoundrel Mike Newton had moved in while I was absent?

A loud, rumbling sound was coming down the street now, and in the distance I saw an old motorcycle approaching. The driver was a large, russet skinned Native American with closely cropped hair. Clearly a Quiluete, but no one I recognized. He had a smaller passenger behind him, all in black and wearing a helmet, with arms draped around the drivers middle.

The bike approached, but to my surprise, instead of continuing on, it pulled over in front of Bella's house. The driver stood up to his full height - probably a good six foot six and heavily muscled - and toed the kickstand open to keep the bike upright. I moved further back into the trees, watching this strange scene unfold.

At the moment they stopped, I suddenly heard the sound of Bella's heartbeat over the idling rumble of the bike's engine. I also got a faint whiff of something that smelled like wet dog, and the memory of the last time I had smelt such an offensive odor came rushing back to me with a shock.

But before I could react to this unexpected event, the passenger stepped off the bike, pulled the helmet off and shook out a glorious mane of dark hair. Bella's glorious scent - a smell unlike any other - assaulted my senses. It had been a long time since I had smelled her luscious blood, and it did strange things to me. I expected the monster inside me to come rushing to the surface, desperate for her blood; that was my usual reaction when I had not been in Bella's presence for a while. Even after Phoenix - after tasting that sweet ambrosia when she lay broken in the ballet studio - I fought to keep my inner beast at bay.

But instead, despite the flames shooting down my throat, all I felt was peace. The burn was welcome; it meant Bella was near, and alive. The agony I had endured during our separation seemed to have quieted the monster in me, as if he too knew that her continued survival was essential for my existence, and would not harm her in any way.

As this epiphany hit, my eyes took her in, like a man dying of thirst in the desert who spots a pool of cool water. She was exquisite. Her figure had matured in the past ten months; so that, despite being thin - thinner than I remembered - she now had a saucy flair to her hips, and a narrower waist. She wore tight fitting black pants, and a pair of black mid-calf boots with a low heel that made her legs look fabulous. She wore a tight fitting leather riding jacket over what appeared to be a red v-neck blouse. Tantalizing amounts of skin were visible at her neck, and on her pale chest, where the shirt revealed more of her skin than I ever remember Bella showing before.

Her hair was longer, and looked thicker. There were curls to it now, and it almost reached her waist. Her reddish highlights were more prominent, almost as if she had it colored lightly. It looked soft as silk, and I wanted to caress it, sniff it, wrap my fingers in it.

And her face - her beautiful, unforgettable face - made my undead heart clench in my chest. Her lips were luscious as ever, and covered with a light coating of ruby red lipstick. As I looked higher, I was further surprised to see black eyeliner around her beautiful eyes, and mascara on her already long lashes. Her cheekbones were higher, more angular, and any trace of teenage roundness had faded. Her chin, too, seemed fuller, firmer. She was fully a woman now, stunning, gorgeous. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and I felt the fire of raging desire race through my dried out veins.

I watched Bella exchange a few words with the wolf, lean up, kiss the rider on the cheek, and walk slowly back up towards her house. I clenched my fists in rage at the display, but before I could act on my murderous impulses, the rider took the helmet back, put it on his own head, and, with a loud roar and a puff of grey smoke, peeled-out on the motorcycle and disappeared down the road.

I watched my Bella walking towards her door, and I started forwards out of the trees, suddenly afraid and apprehensive. Why was Bella riding on the back of a motorcycle? And with a werewolf no less! Why was she wearing makeup? What has been going on?

I didn't have long to ponder these things, as Bella was unlocking, then opening her door. I hurried across the street, her scent intensifying, my need increasing. My Bella was only a few feet from me now, her back turned to me as she opened her door. If my heart was capable of beating, it would have been thundering out of my chest.

Bella somehow sensed my presence, as she immediately stiffened and straightened upright, the door to her house open in front of her. I stopped, a few feet from her, my arm seemingly moving of it's own volition, reaching up slowly towards her, palm open and beseeching.

"Bella," I whispered, half prayer, half lamentation.

As she turned slowly around, I was aware of time slowing and stretching out; I could hear everything, from the whistles of the birds in the forest to the sound of her thrumming heartbeat pulsing in my ears. Finally, finally, Bella was facing me. The reality of her was more real, more alive, than any memory my perfect mind could conjure up, and I drank the image of her in greedily. Her eyes - those beautiful, soulful eyes - wandered briefly over my face, and then finally met mine.

I wasn't sure what I saw there. Confusion? Surprise? Anger? I wasn't sure. My own eyes burned with the intensity of the love I felt for her, and I repeated her name again, in a breathy voice. "I've missed you, Bella."

I stood, frozen, waiting on my doom or salvation. Would she send me away from the only heaven I will ever know? Or would she let me stay, let me back in, let me have whatever scraps she would give me? I would lap them up, willingly.

I saw a dozen different emotions dance in her eyes, before they lowered and settled on my lips. Her breathing picked up a notch, and once again my Bella did the unexpected.

She suddenly reached forward, pulling me roughly towards her, her lips coming up to meet mine in a passionate kiss. I didn't hesitate. I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her tightly against me, meeting her desperate kiss with my own. I felt her hot breath in my mouth, and I didn't pull back this time. I was like a drowning man, gasping for air. And she was my air.

For the first time ever, I let my tongue slide past my deadly teeth and invade the space of Bella's mouth. It was warm, and delicious. Nothing could compare to the taste of her, nothing. Our tongue's wrapped together, ice against fire, and we both groaned at the sensation of it.

Her hands were in my hair, pulling me closer, and her legs left the ground and wrapped themselves around my waist. Her lips left mine, and she kissed my face, my neck, anywhere she could reach. Her kisses left trails of fire across my chin and neck, and my arousal reached a fever pitch and I let my groin press into her.

"God, I missed you Bella," I mumbled out, kissing the shell of her ear, and the spot behind it that I knew she liked.

"Mmmm," she breathed out. "Lets get inside and upstairs. Now." She wasn't asking, and I wasn't stopping. So with a lightning quick movement, I secured her legs around my waist, stepped inside and gently kicked the door closed, and raced her upstairs into her room.


	3. Chapter 3 - Delicious

**Rated M for lemons. Stephanie Meyer owns all.**

**Chapter 3 - Delicious**

**EPOV**

* * *

In less than a second, I had Bella upstairs and laying on her bed, with me lying prone over her. Her legs were still wrapped around my waist, and I was pressing my hips into her, creating the most glorious friction I had ever felt.

Her hands wandered from my hair up and down my back, and our lips were again locked togehter. She apparently remembered to avoid my teeth, and so our tongues didn't leave her mouth, which suited me perfectly; the taste of her was unforgettable, mouthwatering. She was the taste of freesia, and honey, and spring rain - and love.

My hands quickly sat her up and pushed the leather jacket off her shoulders, and she helped me by wiggling out of it. She pulled me back with her as she laid down again, and I willingly went. I was her slave.

Our hips continued their slow grinding, and my erection felt like it would burst through my pants at any moment. I felt the heat and warmth emanating from her, and her scent only got deeper and muskier as we continued our erotic motions.

I could not get enough of her. My mouth left hers and I kissed down her face, to her neck, and collarbones, which were easily accessible with her v-neck shirt. The taste of her skin was otherwordly. My perfect memory did not due justice to how good she tasted. How could I ever have left this glorious creature? And how had I ever resisted her before? I didn't know, and in my lust-induced haze I didn't care. We were here, we were together, and it was enough.

Suddenly Bella was reaching for the buttons of my shirt, and I hesitated only a moment before letting her continue. I was putty in her hands, and she was taking what she needed. I would give it to her.

Before long, she had my shirt opened, and the wonderful heat of her hands wandered up and down my chest, making me gasp and moan with the sheer pleasure of it. Jolts of electricity seemed to stem from her fingertips, leaving trails of fire wherever they touched. She trailed her fingers up and down, over my shoulders and back down my chest towards my abdomen. I shuddered, delicious licks of flame rising through my body and spreading towards my extremities.

I was drowning in sensation, wound more tightly than I had ever been before. I wanted her flesh touching mine, and I brought my hands up slowly, looking into her eyes and asking permission, as my hands stopped just short of her breasts.

Surprising me yet again, Bella removed her hands from my chest and cupped the back of my hands, bringing them upwards to settle on her breasts. She then moved my hands, showing me how she liked to be touched.

I growled loudly then, feeling her soft breasts under my palms, and I quickly lifted the hem of her shirt upwards and over her head. My eyes wandered down to her pale white flesh, covered in a black lace bra that spiked my arousal up another notch. Always worried about losing control with her and letting the monster loose, I realized that I felt completely confident and in control of the baser part of myself. My vampire nature was nowhere in evidence. I was in no danger of hurting her, so I let my hands unclasp the strap of her bra, and lift it away.

Her uncovered mounds were glorious. Pale, white flesh, suprisingly round and large for her small frame, and tipped with a delicate pink nub that was hard and pebbled. "Bella, you are exquisite." I breathed, reaching up and shaping my hands to the underside of her breasts. She moaned at my ministrations, and I let my thumbs trail across her nipples, bringing a sudden gasp from her lips.

I wanted to see what other delicious noises I could get her to make, so I increased the pressure of my hips, pressing my full erection against the blazing heat coming from between her thighs. This brought a breathy moan from my beautiful Bella, and I began pulling gently on her nipples, trailing my mouth across her chest until I had one peak in my mouth.

She groaned loudly as my cold mouth enveloped her nipple, gasping my name and tugging and pulling on my hair. Her hips were rocking against mine now, and her hands wandered downwards until they began pulling at my belt, opening it.

I froze up, my hands catching and holding hers, as I was suddenly aware of what was happening, at how quickly things were escalating. I knew I felt in control, but doubt suddenly assailed me. Could I do this? Would it be right? Was it too soon? I knew I didn't want to stop, but I also didn't know what was best for Bella and I. I had imagined this day might come after we were married, if I ever was able to reign in my vampire nature, but now, that I seemingly could, I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do.

Feeling my sudden hesitation and her hands still locked in mine, Bella looked at me with a stern gaze I had not seen from her before. "Let me, Edward. I need this. We don't have to do everything, but I need to feel you. Now."

Those words were enough. I had swore that I would give her whjatever she needed, whatever it took to be with her again. If this is what she needed, then I would give it to her. So I let her hands go, and slowly reached upwards again for her breasts as she finished with my belt and begain unbuckling my pants.

She sat up slightly, with my body still nestled between her thighs, and pushed my jeans over my hips and down over my backside. I lifted up, helping her, and then she used her feet to push my pants all the way off.

I was painfully erect, tenting my boxers out, but I was also very nervous. I had never done anything like this before, and despite knowing that my kind were attractive to humans, I worried about what Bella would think. Would my cold hardness disgust her? She had told me once that she hated cold, wet things. What would she think of my maleness?

Before I could let my doubts sweep me away, I felt her warm hand slip under my boxers and wrap around my shaft and all thought fled, shattering into a million shards of pure pleasure. I was nothing but sensation, as she let her fist slowly move on me. I had never felt anything more glorious in my entire existence, than Bella's hand on me.

"God, Bella. I cannot describe to you how good that feels," I panted out to her as I struggled to regain my equilibrium.

As she continued her motions, with sensual moans and gasps coming from the both of us, I followed her lead and let my hands wander over the soft skin of her abdomen. I trailed my fingers, followed by soft kisses, along her ribcage and stomach, until I was tickling her navel.

She squirmed and squealed, and I smiled into her belly, licking there and luxuriating in the heightened taste of her skin that lay buried there. It was rich, and warm, and sinfully delightful - and all Bella.

Suddenly I wanted to know all her secret places. I wanted to know where she was sensitive, where she was ticklish, where her skin was softest, where her flavor was accented and stronger. I wanted it all. I let my hands wander to her pants, and again, looking at her eyes for permission, I slowly unbottened her jeans.

I saw no hesitation there, only lust, as she looked back at me with heavy, slitted eyes. Her hands had returned to my hair as I had scooted down the bed, and she softly played with it while I lowered her jeans over her long legs, past her toned calves and delicate feet, and to the floor.

Looking down on my Bella, spread out before me clad only in a pair of black lace panties, the curls of her mound clearly visible through the sheer lace, was the most erotic thing I had ever seen. Her chest was heaving, and her breasts jiggled in time with the motions. Her thighs sinuosly rubbed against each other, seeking friction, and the scent of her sweet arousal was more powerful than I had ever smelled before. Her hands, now free from my hair, came up to squeeze her own breasts, before reaching up and pulling me, her willing slave, down alongside her.

As her hands returned under my boxers to begin their delicious, torturous movements again, I let my own fingers trail down her body until they reached her hipbones. Returning my lips to hers, moaning and breathing into her mouth, I let my hands wander until I was gently cupping her mound, pressing down with the lightest of pressures.

I felt her opening her thighs for me, and I took this invitation and let a slow finger trail down the front of the lace, feeling heat and moisture there. Bella gasped into my mouth, and I repeated the motion, slowly up and down with the lightest pressure, until Bella was writhing under me.

I slowly let me hand wander under the edge of her panties, repeating my motion like before; but now, no scrap of lingerie was in the way. Despite having felt her over the lace, I was not prepared for the sensation of feeling her most intimate flesh under my cold fingers. The heat, the slickness, the softness...; I was undone, and I wanted nothing more at that moment than to make love to her, imagining what she would feel like wrapped around me as I moved inside her.

Shaking my head, and focusing again on the feel of her wondrous body under my fingers, I held onto my control as I let my fingers wander upwards, spreading her moisture to her clitoris, which caused her to exclaim an expletive and tug rapidly on my erection. I moved my hips in time with her pumping hand, feeling a clenching of muscles begining in my loins.

As my thumb continued to work her most sensitive area, I let my other fingers trail downwards towards the source of her heat and wetness, and I soon was teasing my fingers around her entrance. Bella was moaning loudly now, gasping for air and clenching and unclenching her thighs, writhing under my ministrations. A sense of powerful pride came over me, as I knew now that I could pleasure my Bella in the most intimate of ways.

Her motion on me increased, and she leaned down and reached under my erection with her other hand to fondle my testicles. This new sensation was almost too much, and I felt myself tightening up, rushing towards a point of no return - a tremendous pressure building in my groin.

"Oh Bella, that feels wonderful. Don't stop, my Bella. Don't stop," I gasped out, my words pouring from me without any conscience thought. My tongue pushed back into her mouth, swallowing her moans as she rocked and writhed under my hands.

I let my finger dip inside her, and with a loud scream right into my mouth, Bella's body clenched up and her legs went rigid. I felt her inner muscles clamp down on my finger, and she shook her hips rapidly back and forth. I lifted my face from hers to watch her glorious blush spread downwards over her neck and chest, and the beauty and magic of the moment, combined with her rapid hand motions, sent me over the edge and I joined her in release.

Never had I felt anything so powerful, as my ejaculate spattered from me and onto Bella's hands and belly. The sight of it, creamy on her pale flesh, unleashed a powerful roar that was ripped from me without my permission, and another strong contraction sent more of my spurting fluids onto our bodies.

I pulled her to me, smothering her in kisses and professing my undying love for her. Never in my century of existence had I felt anything like this; a serene, total bliss that had me, for the first time in my undead existence, wandering if God had perhaps not forsaken me after all. The love I felt for the woman in my arms eclipsed anything I could ever have imagined to myself, and in that moment, for the first time, I thought without fear how it could be if Bella was changed, a vampire by my side - my mate for eternity. Young, with me, forever.

With Bella by my side for eternity, I could not imagine any heaven that could be more complete. The thought filled me both with revulsion and with longing, shaking me to my foundation. Could I really do that to Bella?

Compartmentalizing these thoughts, to be looked at another day, I pulled her blanket over us andI let my hands wander upwards to her face; cradling it as if it was the most perfect piece of treasured glass. She was watching me, a thoughtful expression on her face, as I caressed and rubbed her cheeks with my thumbs.

"If only I could hear your thoughts, my Bella. If they are anything like mine, then I don't need to express to you the joy that I feel. To share this with you, this perfect moment, is the greatest gift I have ever received," I whispered to her, reverently.

Bella smiled, a toothy smile that didn't quite touch her eyes, and her hand came up towards my cheek in an affectionate manner. She touched my cheek, looking deeply into my eyes. I stared back, not sure what emotion I saw there. But before I could ask her, she turned slowly and got out of the bed.

Not quite sure what had just happened, and wishing again that I could hear her thoughts, I leaned up up on one elbow, watching her affectionately as she gathered her clothes from the floor. Was she embarrassed? How silly of her!

"What are you doing, love? Do you need to get up so soon?" I asked playfully, patting the bed beside me, inviting her back to lie with me.

With an inscrutable expression, Bella looked over at me. "I am going to the bathroom," she said, in a neutral tone. "And besides - I don't do cuddling." She looked at me for a moment longer, that strange, unknown expression in her eyes, before dropping her gaze.

With that, she turned on her heel and walked out of the room without looking back, leaving me feeling bewildered and strangely anxious. The high I had felt just a minute earlier now seemed strangely distant, and a whisper of fear now entered into my mind.

What was going on?

* * *

**A/N - Edward is about to find out how much 'his' Bella has really changed. And it may not be pretty.**


	4. Chapter 4 - Dismissed

**Chapter 4 - Dismissed**

* * *

I listened to Bella's footsteps as they retreated down the hall, until I heard the closing of the bathroom door and the sound of a shower being turned on. I let my head fall back onto her pillows, which were swimming with her deliciously intoxicating scent. Despite feeling more physically relaxed than I had in the past year, I was trying to understand the sudden departure of Bella from her room, and the sudden cooling of the atmosphere between us.

With a sigh, I stood up from her bed, and quickly gathered my clothing from the floor and redressed myself. When done, I settled myself into the rocking chair to wait for my Bella's return. We needed to talk.

I realized, with a slight shiver, that perhaps my thinking all was forgiven and forgotten between Bella and I was premature; certainly, we had much to discuss and I had much to apologize for. My sins against her were many, and I would do whatever I needed to in order to gain her forgiveness. I was tempted to call Alice to see if she had any insight into that might be helpful, but chose instead to keep the matter to myself.

Nevertheless, Bella's initial greeting of me at her doorstep - being unable to keep her hands off of me, of trying to get as close to me as she possibly could, of telling me she missed me, and our final sharing of such a close and personal level of physical intimacy – had led me to believe that she was as happy and relieved to be back in my arms as I was to be back in hers.

Had I misread her, again? Did I not please her as a lover? I went over the final moments before she had risen from the bed, thinking on the expression on her face; it was a strange expression, one I had never seen on Bella's face before. Certainly it didn't look like anger, or sadness, or even embarrassment. It was almost one of ... indifference.

Listening to the soothing sounds of the sounds from her shower, and pushing down the erotic images of her wet and naked form bathing in the warm stream of water, I let my eyes wander around Bella's room, taking in the small changes that had occurred since last time I was here.

A quick, cursory look would show that almost everything was the same. Ruffled purple comforter, white and purple pillowcases, frayed and yellowed curtains, old hardwood floors, small desk and reading lamp topped by an ancient computer, and her faded, sturdy rocking chair. No posters adorned the walls; just a large caulk board over her desk, and a small watercolor painting over the bed. All the same furnishings that were here ten months ago, sitting unchanged.

Continuing my inspection, I noticed her closet doors, faded white paint over old slats, stood about halfway open; a small collection of clothes were hanging there – less than I remember her having - and a large garbage bag was pushed into a corner, with something rectangular in it. The surfaces were undusted and the old paint was peeling, though these were details that could only be seen with my superior vision.

All in all, a non-descript room that gave almost no indications about the occupant.

This realization startled me. All the things that personalized the room seem to have vanished. No signposts of my beautiful Bella's personality remained. Gone were her small collection of books; she usually had a dozen or so books stacked near her bed, most of them old, dog-eared paperbacks, ready for her to read on a whim. The photos that had adorned her caulk-board were mostly missing now; only a single one, of Charlie with a large fish in one hand and a beer in another, remained.

With a start, I realized her CD player was now missing as well; so were her two dozen or so CD's that she kept stacked nearby. What was going on?

With a determined movement, I quickly lifted away one of her floorboards, and looked down to see the photos I had taken from her scrapbook, along with the cd and tickets from her birthday, laying undisturbed where I had put them. Guilt flashed through me, and I lifted the items away and placed them on her desk, shaking the dust free as I did so.

I had a lot to apologize for.

Before returning to my seat in the rocking chair, I noticed a small, brown box with the lid slightly ajar sitting on the edge of her desk. The top of what looked to be a medicine bottle was in there, and I was tempted to open the box and look. But I reminded myself that I had left Bella, and she should be entitled to her personal privacy.

And truthfully, I was scared as to what the medicine might be. If it was a sleeping medicine or an anti-anxiety medicine – probably prescribed as a result of my leaving her - I didn't think my fragile mind could take the stress and guilt at the moment.

So I returned to my chair in the corner, a defendant waiting on his sentence. A short time later, the sound of the water stopping in the bathroom broke my grim train of thought. I listened, as I had done so many nights last year, to the sounds of Bella drying off and brushing her teeth. I smiled when I heard the sound of the brush running through her silky hair, and I was eager to smell the delicious scent of strawberries that was always stronger after her shower, when her hair was still wet.

I heard her soft footsteps as she padded down the hall, and there was a slight hesitation as she reached the closed door to her bedroom. She was waiting for something; nervous to be in my company perhaps? I wasn't sure, but I tensed up as I waited for her to open the door.

After an interminable pause, lasting what was only seconds but seemed much longer, the door opened and my angel appeared; she was fully clothed, wearing the same red blouse and tight fitting jeans, but no socks or shoes were on her feet. Her dainty toes were covered in red nailpolish, and she stood, frozen, at the edge of the room, looking down.

I waited, still as a statue, as she lifted her head. Her beautiful brown eyes locked onto my own, and we stared at each other wordlessly. I was mesmerized, trapped by the power of her gaze, my eyes locked and unblinking on hers.

As the seconds wore on, I tried, again, to discern the emotions I saw there. Her face, once an open book to me, seemed closed off. Distant. I did not understand her expression, or the look in her eyes, and as the silence lasted it became uncomfortable, and I was forced to break-it. Break-it - before the tension caused me to snap in two.

"I am so, so sorry, Bella," I began, pleading with her, using my most persuasive voice. "I cannot even begin to express to you how foolish I was to leave you last year. It was the biggest mistake of my very long existence, and I am here to beg for your forgiveness," I finished, desperate for her to hear the truth of my words.

She continued to stare at me, unmoving, still except for the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. Her heartbeat was slow, and steady; and her scent was as delicious and rich as it ever was before. I welcomed the burn, knowing she was standing before me.

As the silence from her stretched, I held out my hand : "Please, Bella. Won't you say anything?" I asked.

Bella narrowed her eyes slightly, and stepped further into the room. "What would you have me say, Edward?" she intoned in a soft, monotone sounding voice.

Hearing her say my name did strange things to my body, and I let out a sigh of relief that she had spoken. I was surprised by her question though, and answered her honestly. "I don't know, Bella. Yell at me, or scream, or tell me to get out and never set foot in here again, or tell me you love me. Or do all of them. But please, please … I haven't heard your voice in so very, very long, and I miss the sound of it," I finished, lamely, letting my hand fall back down to my lap.

She looked at me with a curious expression; "I am not sure what you mean, Edward. What are you sorry for?"

For a moment, I couldn't answer. I stared at her dumbly, trying to comprehend, for the millionth time, the strange workings of her mind.

Again, I tried to answer her as honestly as possible. "What am I sorry for?" I asked. "What am I sorry for?" I shook my head, my disgust at myself evident in my tone. "I am sorry for lying, Bella. For leaving. For running away from our love. For not believing in us." I let my eyes burn into hers again, trying to convey the force of my declaration to her.

Bella stared at me for a moment, before walking over to her bed and sitting down, facing me. She let out a small chuckle, and waved a hand dismissively as if my confession had been nothing. "Don't worry about it, Edward. I understand. I get it now," she finished. "It's really not a big deal anymore."

I was completely confused at her statement, and felt like we were talking at cross-purposes. Did she not understand what I was so desperate to tell her?

I tried again, sliding over to her, on my knees, looked at her sitting on the edge of the bed two feet from me. "Bella, I don't think you understand what I am saying to you. What is not a big deal anymore? What do you 'get'?" I demanded, my voice getting louder than I had intended.

Moving backwards on the bed, putting more space between us, Bella narrowed her eyes at me. "I am not the same naïve girl from last year, Edward. I understand you much better now. After all, it's all about the distractions, right?" She said this last in a biting tone, the force of it sending me reeling back towards the rocking chair and down onto the seat.

The feeling that shot through me at that moment made me burn where I sat. I grabbed my hair by the roots, pulling on it, bending my torso down onto itself.

The sickening realization hit me like a thunderbolt, like nails being driven into my skull. She had believed me. Every single lying word that I had said to her in the forest, she had believed. And she thought I was back today, to satisfy my 'need' for another distraction.

"Bella, no…" I tried weakly, my voice barely there, but was interrupted by her when she suddenly got to her feet.

"No, stop it Edward. I get it, truly. I need distractions myself, I know what it is like," she said, driving the nails in with a quenching hiss. With a sigh, she waved a hand in an offhand gesture, seeming to deflate back to that neutral, flat monotone I was coming to hate. "And I thank you coming here today. I needed the distraction too, I completely understand the whole 'distractions' thing now, and anytime you feel like you need to have one you can call me. Really, no guilt or anything, ok?" she asked, glancing at the clock on her nightstand.

I was stunned, flabbergasted. She…she used me today, to satisfy an itch … and thought I was using her for the same. The bitter taste of my own venom was choking me, like sulfur, as the irony of the situation threatened to drown me.

She wasn't finished though, and the nails driving into my skull went deeper. "But I really need to start dinner for Charlie, so if you don't mind, I need you to go. OK?" she walked over to me, looking down on my stunned and tortured face.

"Edward? OK?" she asked quietly, an Angel asking favors from a Demon.

I was barely able to gasp out my response in a breathy whisper: "You want me to leave?"

There was no mercy from the Angel. "Yes," she said.

* * *

**A/N - Ouch!**


	5. Chapter 5 - Reflection

**Chapter 5 - Reflection**

**EPOV**

* * *

The fading rays of daylight illuminated the gently waving spring flowers and tall grasses of the meadow. I sat among them, like a carved marble statue in a picturesque garden, keeping sentry, unmoving. The meadow - once my sanctuary, was a pale and empty place without Bella to illuminate it's beauty and cast her glory upon it. It's natural beauty was now nothing but a painful reminder of things lost.

Since fleeing here from Bella's house, after her firm dismissal of me several hours before, I had sat motionless and still in the very center of the meadow. Alice, and then Carlise and Esme, had all tried calling me, their distinctive ringtones shattering nature's quiet and sounding shrill in my ears, like an echo of hollow laughter relishing in my pain. I had turned the phone off after the fifth call, and had not moved from my spot since.

My vampire mind - that crystalline, precision machine that was capable of many simultaneous trains of thought - was wrapped in and endless replay of the past few hours. During the past ten months of my self-imposed exile from my family, I had given endless thought to how a reunion with Bella might go. These daydreams ranged from the calm and peaceful, to the stormy and turbulent. From the sweet to the bitter. Many of them contained erotic moments like that which we had shared today. Tender, loving moments where Bella and I reconnected.

But none of those pleasant fantasies had ended quite like the reality that our reunion had been. Not in my wildest imaginings - often sprinkled with doubt and self-loathing about the validity of my monstrous presence in Bella's life - would I have considered that Bella would dismiss me after sharing such an intimate experience with me.

Once again, she had surprised me.

So here I sat, stunned, playing and replaying the day's events through my head on an endless loop that echoed through my consciousness. I could not wrap my mind around Bella's changed personality, or her callous handling of my expressions of desire and love for her.

One thing was absolutely clear to me: she had completely bought into my blasphemous lies from last fall, and had internalized them, turning them into a terrible life-lesson. The irony was rich, and I felt myself caught between devastating sadness and hysterical disbelief. My emotions were see-sawing through my frozen heart, and I knew now what real grief was.

For this time, I was the one who was left behind.

The thought brought a fresh surge of pain with it. Was my sweet, clumsy Bella lost forever inside that cynical, closed-off woman whose house I had just been dismissed from? Was there any hope of bringing her back? Was I even right to try?

As I pondered these questions, for once not having any idea of the right way forward, the last of the day's light faded below the horizon, and the shadows of the surrounding forest lengthened on the ground. I knew that if I didn't leave soon, my family would come looking for me. So, with a heavy heart, I ran from my meadow.

I didn't look back.

* * *

I arrived back at my family's home a few minutes later, the familiar white exterior warmed by the twinkling of lights through the windows. Despite wanting to run straight to my room and hide, I had missed my family; and I needed to talk with Alice. I was not too proud to admit I needed her help and advice.

As I neared the door, the thoughts of my family began filtering in. Apparently, Alice had told them I had returned to Bella and that our reunion had looked promising; she had seen us kissing before heading to her bedroom. At that point, Alice had stopped looking, to give us our privacy, so she had not seen what happened after our tryst in her bedroom. And, she was now confused as to how the day had ended up with me leaving Bella so shortly after I had arrived at her house.

Esme's thoughts were almost as loud as Alice's, and reflected concern and love for me; she really was a second mother to me, and loved me as one of her own.

Carlisle's mind was strangely blank, waiting for more information, as he was wont to do. But there was an edge of worry to his thoughts; he had seen Alice's agitation, and did not know what that meant for me. And the last occupant of the house, Jasper, was focused on trying to keep everyone calm and did not think beyond that.

Slowing down as I closed the front door behind me and entered the spacious living room, I was quickly embraced by Esme, who wrapped me in her arms and squeezed me to her warmly. "Oh Edward, I have missed you. Please, please don't leave us again," Esme implored. She stepped back, holding her hands on my upper arms, looking at my drawn face.

Drowning in my dark thoughts, I was unable to muster up a smile for her; I tried, but it probably looked more like a grimace. Her eyes darted back and forth between my own, looking at my worn expression with concern.

Before I could greet Esme in return, Alice had grabbed me from the side, wrapping her tiny arms around my torso. "I'm glad you are back, Edward. And we will talk later about you leaving and why you felt it necessary. But now, I want to know what happened with Bella," she finished, obviously impatient for news of her friend.

I looked forlornly at Alice, and at Carlise and Jasper, who were standing by the sofa. Esme led me by the hand to the couch, where I slumped down into my seat, letting my face fall into my hands.

"She sent me away," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. "She kissed me, then sent me away." The agony of it coursed through me again, and I was grateful when I felt Jasper's calming influence comforting me.

Alice, now sitting next to Jasper, breathed out loudly, her small fists clenching at her sides. "I don't understand Edward! I saw you in my vision kissing her! And she was kissing you back! It looked perfect! And then I saw you leaving less than thirty minutes later. What happened?" Alice's agitation was effecting everyone in the room, and they all looked at me for an explanation.

Looking at the members of my family, trying to tune out their jumbled thoughts, I ran my hands through my disheveled hair, wondering how to explain the events of the afternoon. As they waited, I sighed, and decided to start from the beginning.

"I was waiting by the edge of the forest, when she pulled up on a motorcycle being driven by a Quiluete. The rider was huge, as big as Emmett, and he smelled absolutely horrid. He was a werewolf, Carlisle. The wolves are back," I said, meeting Carlisle's shocked gaze.

But it was Alice who answered : "Why didn't I see? I couldn't see her with him, I could barely see her at all until you were kissing her! What is she doing with a werewolf?" Alice was upset, and her words and thoughts were coming at me rapidly. Jasper put a soothing hand on her arm, calming her instantly with his gift.

Carlisle, on the other hand, had risen from his seat, and was pacing slowly behind the long couch. "So the wolves are back," he muttered. "This is a surprise, I thought they had finally died out." His thoughts were racing, and I caught echoes of '_why now? ' _and _'what triggered the change' _from his mind.

The others thoughts were tinged with worry; Esme with fear for her family, and for Bella; Jasper with fear for Alice. And Alice, with fear for Bella. And for me.

Carlisle brought the focus back to me, and I continued recounting the events from the afternoon, glossing over the details of our intimate encounter: "We had a private moment together, and I thought that we were on the way to repairing our relationship. But she excused herself to go to the bathroom, and when she returned she was very controlled, very distant." I dreaded telling them the next part of what happened, as I had never fully told them what I had said to Bella last year in the forest. I was fearful and ashamed of what their reaction might be, but now was not the time for lies of omission.

I hesitated though, and Jasper looked at me with a raised eyebrow. He had clearly picked up on my emotions and was wondering why I felt guilt and shame. So, with a deep breath, I told them the rest: "I tried to apologize for leaving her last year, and to tell her that I loved her. But she waved my attempts off, telling me that it wasn't important. She wouldn't listen to me."

I paused here for a moment, and in a quieter voice said: "In order to understand what Bella said today, I need to tell you what happened between us when I said goodbye to her last year. When I told her we were leaving." Their thoughts immediately quieted as their ears pricked up. Their expressions were flat, empty, as four sets of eyes zeroed in on mine like black laser beams.

Taking another deep breath, I looked down at the floor, the words coming from me twisting inside my gut like a knife being turned. "I told her some ... untruths last year. Harsh untruths. When we left," I repeated, looking at my family's assembled faces. They looked back at me with anxious eyes and unsmiling lips, waiting for me to continue.

"What did you tell her, Edward?" Esme asked in a tight voice. "What did you say to Bella?"

With a feeling of deep shame and my eyes returning to the floor, I told them of my conversation with Bella in the woods; about how she wouldn't let me go, and how I lied to her, claiming I no longer loved her and that I didn't want her. And that I would find new distractions. And that she believed it all.

For a frozen moment, there was utter silence in the room following my confession. The minds of my family were blank, like they were shocked to stillness. I lifted my gaze, looking at the faces of my beloved family, waiting on their reactions. Waiting on my fate.

Esme's face was the first to change; her expression morphed into one of horror, and sadness, and her thoughts hit my like a freight train: _'oh Edward, how could you do that! You love her! You probably destroyed her, Edward. Oh Bella, we left her thinking she was unwanted. How can we make this right?'_

Carlisle's thoughts were more of disappointment and guilt; he felt like he should not have acquiesced to my demands to leave, or at least to have spoken to Bella himself. And interspersed with the guilt, was worry for Bella; worry so strong that it stung him. He turned his head away, his fingers coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose. I heard the depth of his shame, and his questioning of his leadership of our family, as a pained voice I recognized as his innermost thoughts echoed in his mind, on an endless loop:_ 'I failed them both, I failed them both, I failed them both.' _

Jasper forced more calm into the room, but nothing was going to calm Alice. Her reaction was the strongest. Shock, betrayal, and then rage - rage so strong, and directed at me; her thoughts battered me, almost knocking me over with the force of their vitriol.

Alice slowly got to her feet, her mouth pulled back into a terrifying rictus : "Edward, you told us that you would tell her we were leaving to keep her safe,' she said, her words coming through clenched teeth and sounding like the hiss of steam released under pressure. "You told us that you would make her understand. You told us you would say goodbyes for us, and you told us she understood.' She was almost shouting by the end, her thoughts a riot of angry images and curses.

She walked up to me, snarling, and wrenched me to my feet. She was angrier than I had ever seen her before. "You took my sister from me, Edward! My best friend!" Alice raged at me, and Jasper rose to restrain her from attacking me. But she continued to yell, her voice risen to volumes that could almost shatter glass. "You lied to her, and to us. How could you do that, Edward? How could you do that to the girl you love?" She vibrated in place, panting, her fists shaking at her sides.

Jasper wrapped his arms around Alice, holding her close, as her tirade faded, and she broke down into hysterical sobs in his arms. My own grief welled up, and I saw Esme clutching onto Carlisle, their breathing heavy. Esme's chest heaved, as if she was fighting for breath. I had never seen her so upset, and she folded into Carlisle, sobbing her phantom tears that would never fall.

I wanted to run, to flee, and never return. I wanted to go to the Volturi, and have them end my miserable existence. I was a monster. I knew it, had always known it. I brought nothing but pain to those I loved. Misery. Everything I touched I destroyed.

I sat back down on the couch, my knees coming up and my arms wrapping around them, huddling myself close and rocking back and forth, listening to the angry and sorrowful thoughts of my family. My own sad lamentation played through my mind, over and over again: '_Forgive me Bella, please forgive me.'_

* * *

**A/N - Some Angst here, as Edward finally comes clean about what happened that day in the woods. He has a lot to atone for.**


	6. Chapter 6 - Midnight Meetings

**Chapter 6 - Midnight Meetings**

**EPOV**

* * *

The next few hours passed with me spent in silent misery in my room. How I arrived there, however, was not clear to me; despite my powerful vampire brain, I could not recall ascending the stairs to the 3rd floor or sinking down onto my couch, where I still lay, slumped, hours later.

Esme had wanted to come up to comfort me, but respected my wishes to stay away. Despite my overly depressed state, I was aware that, at some point earlier this evening, she and Carlisle had spoken quietly with Emmett and Rosalie. I was unsure if they would be returning to Forks or not, and at the moment I did not really care. Despite missing the presence of Emmett – and to a much smaller extent, Rosalie – I could not bring myself to muster-up the necessary energy for a happy family reunion.

Alice, though, would not stay away. She had come up to my room shortly after I had left the others in living room, and she sat silently with me; she was comforting me with her presence, letting me know she shared in my pain. Her anger with me, though occasionally still present in her thoughts, was generally muted; rather, she was focused on the future, looking desperately for any visions that had Bella and I, back together, and happy. She also looked for visions with Bella and her in them, or any other members of my family.

But the results were disappointing. Except for a few blurry, flickering images, she came up completely blank. I bitterly remembered the first vision she had of Bella, from the night after I saved Bella from dying underneath Tyler Crowley's van; the one that used to be so steady: of she and Bella embracing arm in arm, Bella's red eyes contrasting with Alice's gold ones. That vision - always horrifying to me - was gone without a trace. Despite always being tortured by that vision - of Bella being turned hard, cold, undead, soulless - I always wondered what Bella thought of me in that might-have-been future reality. Some secret part of my heart had always taken comfort from that vision, knowing that my Bella would continue on, existing, beyond her mortal years.

I yearned for that vision, now. I wanted – no, needed – something, anything, that would indicate that there was a chance for Bella and myself. The lack of anything definite was driving me mad, increasing my anxiety and stress. Why were all her future's blank?

Alice and I, desperate for a glimpse of her future, played a brief 'what if' game where she or I would make a deliberate decision that affected Bella or myself to see if that would trigger a vision that had a positive outcome. The most extreme of these – me making the conscious decision to bite Bella, changing her with no regard of her own wishes, or kidnapping her and taking her away - ended up with blank futures for both Bella and I. We didn't understand what that meant, but it was terrifying to the both of us, and after a few attempts – with the same blank result - we didn't pursue that particular line of 'vision questing' again. Biting or kidnapping her was out.

So we spent most of the time scanning through visions of me trying different combinations of me trying to regain Bella's trust and confidence; flowers, dinners, poems, trips, me prostrate on my knees begging, even a new car: none yielded anything positive and her future was still mostly a grey blank. After playing this game for over an hour, Alice finally made the decision to go and talk with Bella in person. She had a brief glimpse of them talking tomorrow after school, the first concrete vision she had gotten; she couldn't see the result of the discussion, but at this point I was grasping at straws and any future vision with Bella and someone from my family in it looked good to me.

With a sigh, I glanced over at my bedroom clock – 9:30 pm. I thought about what Bella might be doing; probably getting ready for bed, relaxing with a book. Or, at least, this is what Bella used to do; I realized, with a pang, that this new Bella might be going out tonight. The thought filled me with jealousy and worry. I was tempted to run over to see for myself, but Carlisle had temporarily forbidden it: I was needed elsewhere.

He had contacted one of the tribal elders, Billy Black, and requested a meeting with them tonight to reaffirm the terms of our treaty. Mr. Black was not happy to hear from us, and was short-tempered and rude on the phone. Nevertheless, they agreed to the meeting, and we were going to the rendezvous point at midnight. And Jasper had recommended that we perform a reconnaissance circuit around the meeting area beforehand.

My unexpected announcement that the werewolves had returned was a great surprise to Carlisle, and he had been holed up in his study, reviewing some of his old journals from our last visit to Forks. Like myself, Carlisle garnered great satisfaction from writing his thoughts and observations in hand-written notebooks. Our vampire brains recorded everything we saw, said, and did - but recall of our perfect memories were invariably colored by our current emotional dispositions; happy or sad, fulfilled or lonely, relaxed or frustrated. Reading our journals allowed us to read back our old words and reflections without prejudice or bias, and to get a better understanding of how we perceived the world at that time.

As I idled away the time, I thought perhaps after our meeting I could check in on her. I missed watching her sleep, missed her sleeptalking, missed her soft breathing and peaceful heartbeat. I knew, now, that uninvited nocturnal visits would be a violation of her privacy – I was not in a relationship with her anymore, and I doubt very much if she would welcome my stalking presence. But I was selfish, and I craved her like a narcotic; her proximity gave me life, brought meaning to my hideous existence.

* * *

############################

At precisely 11:30 pm that evening, my family and I headed out into the cool night, running quickly through the darkness of the brooding forest. We were meeting in a clearing right on the border, several miles from an old, unpaved road that used to serve a now-defunct logging company.

After running the perimeter on our side of the border and not finding any lingering wolf-odors, we assembled, in a line with Carlisle at the center, directly across from the boundary line. We were ten minutes early, and we waited - some of us more patiently than others - for the Wolves to arrive.

A few minutes before midnight, I heard the sound of a laboring engine, moving slowly down the road. Headlight beams were bouncing off the surrounding forest, still far away but visible to our excellent eyesight. Moments later, I was able to discern discrete thoughts from two or three individuals in the truck, and then the thoughts of the Wolfpack impacted on my conciousness.

There were at least five distinct Wolves I could hear, and I thought there might have been a sixth or even seventh further back; I couldn't be sure, as the voices were too faint. But the thoughts I did hear from the five approaching Wolves, were guarded, and hostile.

_'Remember, no one goes on the offensive : attack on my orders only, or in defense of your life or one of the Elders. That is an order.' _The voice that issued this command was steady, and I was impressed with the tenor of command and authority it carried. It was quickly answered in the mumbled acquiescence of the other Wolves, and I quietly whispered to Carlisle what I had heard, and the number of Wolves I had detected. I already knew, from our encounters with Ephraim Black, that they could talk to each other with a pack mind, but I had never had much of an opportunity to listen to them individually, as my talent was still wild and unfocused in those days, and multiple 'voices' would often blend together in my head.

My family's thoughts were uncertain and tense; the old pack we had faced had three members, and we could have easily dispatched them if the situation had turned hostile. This new, larger pack, would be more challenging. Jasper's thoughts were running along similar lines to mine, and he was already scoping the area for escape routes and likely areas to better defend against the Wolves. We knew that they could not follow us into the treetops in their wolf forms, and we each eyed a large spruce or fir that we would scale in the event we needed to run.

The Wolves came closer, and several different thoughts began to intrude on me at once.

_'God-damn leeches, why the fuck do they need to return now? I swear Sam, I want to rip them to shreds and burn the pieces.' _This voice was angry, and the images that accompanied these thoughts were violent, and pictured two unfamiliar vampires - both with the bright red eyes of newborn vampires - being torn apart by the pack.

_'Shut up, Paul, and control your thoughts. Remember the Edward leech can read your mind_,' snarled the leader, who was apparently named Sam. The fact that he knew I could read minds stunned me. Had Bella given away our secrets to the Wolves?

I turned to Carlisle, and I quickly whispered to him, "Carlisle, they know I can read their thoughts. And one of them is thinking about killing two newborns. I don't know if it's his imagination or if it really happened."

Carlisle looked at me, and thought, '_Did Bella tell them about your gift_?'

"I don't know. Let me listen for more," I said quietly.

They were close now, and the truck was less than a minute from the clearing. The Wolves had spread out, and that made identifying their individual thoughts easier.

To the left of their formation, was a large grey wolf - who I now identified as Paul, from the tenor of his angry thoughts. The largest wolf, all black, was the center : Sam. To Sam's immediate right, was a reddish-brown wolf, whose thoughts immediately grabbed my attention: '_don't think of her, don't think of her. Think of beaches, and parties, and cars. Don't think of her, don't think of her_.'

I focused in on this one's thoughts, and caught a brief image of Bella; presumably the one he didn't want to think of. But before I could give this any more attention, the thoughts of a brown wolf to the right broke through my focus. '_Damn, these tick's smell bad. Why would Bella want to be around these fucking ghouls? She's so fucking soft and warm,' _and before I could react, an image of my Bella, wearing a white t-shirt and very tight shorts, was in his mind. She was pressing her soft lips to him and moaning his name, '_Embry, Embry.'_

Rage shot through my body, and everything in my line of sight turned red. I was barely aware of Jasper grabbing my arms and pinning them behind my back, and of Carlisle helping him. A sudden wave of calm swept through me as Jasper attempted to ease my sudden fury, and from the Wolves I caught Sam's silent command to Embry. '_Embry, focus. Keep your thoughts of Bella to yourself_.'

Suddenly, I felt a swell of anger in the thoughts of the red wolf, but suprisingly it was not directed at me. '_Embry, you stupid shit. Don't you dare think about Bella in front of this fucking leech_.'

'_Sorry, Jacob_,' and the wolf named Embry did sound sorry. My rage cooled, and Jasper let me go with a glance at Alice, asking her if she saw anything in my immediate future to cause concern. With a shock, I saw only blankness in her visions.

She and I locked gazes, and turned our heads to look at the approaching Wolves. Something about them was interfering with Alice's visions, we realized at almost the same instant. Was this the reason that she was unable to see Bella's future? Was she that involved with the Wolves? I wasn't sure, but my mind raced through the possibilities and it seemed likely. Trust Bella to find the first monsters she could when the Vampires left town.

Our moment of reflection was gone, however, as an old, dilapidated pickup truck rumbled to a halt just off the road, right at the edge of the boundary line. A young Quileute, very large in stature, shirtless and wearing nothing but a pair of denim shorts, jumped from the truckbed and pulled a wheelchair over the back. He set it upright, and helped an elderly Quiluete down from the passenger seat. A second elderly man stepped out of the driver's side, and the three of them slowly made their way over to us, the younger man pushing the wheelchair.

The Wolves had arrayed themselves in a line to the left and right of the three from the truck. The sight of them, five large, angry Wolves with their lips pebbled back over their long canines, was impressive and threatening. Their thoughts were buzzing, but muted, and the stench of wet dog was almost overpowering. From their thoughts, they found our scent just as heinous, and their thoughts were filled with curses and invectives; I tuned them out as I focused on the two elderly men who had stopped on their side of the invisible treaty line.

The meeting was about to get underway.


	7. Chapter 7 - Dark Discoveries

**A/N - Several readers have asked in reviews or via PM about update schedules. All I can say, is that I will write when I can; but probably no more than a chapter every week or two, as r/l has been keeping me busy.**

**Chapter 7**

**Dark Discoveries**

* * *

In the dark clearing, there was nothing but the sounds of the crickets and the deep breathing of the wolves to shatter the stillness of the night. Standing across from the two Quiluete elders, their muscular escort, and five tense and enormous werewolves, my family and I kept our calm, no emotion visible on our faces. We were helped by Jasper, who infused the clearing with his gift; just enough to take the edge off of the Wolve's hostility without the effect being noticeable.

The thoughts of everyone assembled – from both sides – was uneasy; but despite this, Carlisle was calm and his manner smooth as he stepped forward confidently, approaching the tribal elders. "I appreciate your taking the time to meet with us tonight. We have recently returned to the area, and we just learned of your presence here," said Carlisle in a soothing tone. "We want to insure that our treaty still holds, and to familiarize you with our scents so that we may avoid any unpleasant incidents.'

The thoughts of the Wolves were quiet, but there was a low undercurrent of hostility running through the pack mind. But Carlisle did not falter, and his voice remained smooth. "We also have two new family members," he said, gesturing to Alice and Jasper,"and wanted to discuss adding their names to the treaty. They are, in all ways, Cullens, and follow the same diet as the rest of my family." He looked over at the two elders, whose eyes were narrowed, but their thoughts were controlled and focused on Carlisle's words.

Billy Black, whose demeanor spoke of his authority even from the low slung seat of his wheel chair, looked at all of us, letting his eyes slowly move across our assembled faces, before turning back to Carlisle. "We see you, Carlisle Cullen. And we see your new members." His face turned harder here, and his thoughts immediately gave away his anger; he thought that Carlisle had bitten Jasper and Alice, thus violating and voiding the treaty. "May I ask if you created these two?" he asked, his words quiet, but hard as steel.

His question immediately set some of the Wolves on edge; they began to growl, the sound rumbling from them like approaching thunder. I felt Jaspers gift increasing in response, calmness sweeping outwards to the Wolves, and my family tensing in readiness beside me. But Carlisle was calm, and answered Billy in a smooth, steady voice. "No, we did not create them. They joined us, of their own volition, about sixty years ago."

For a moment there was silence, but then the tension in the clearing slowly eased, and Billy, after staring into Carlisle's eyes for a moment, nodded his head once. Immediately, the Wolves stopped their growling and a flurry of thoughts quickly passed between them. I caught a series of images shared among the pack mind; vampires running, brief images of fights, burning purple smoke, and then, to my horror, I had a glimpse of my meadow. It was later winter, and the flowers were not yet in bloom. But this is not what shocked me; standing in the center of the circular clearing was Laurent, with his arm raised as if to strike someone down. And his target, cringing away from him, was Bella.

This terrifying snapshot was followed by another, just as horrifying : Victoria, running through the forests behind Bella's house, the Wolves in pursuit. I saw the chase, and her escape into the water.

A deep, punishing jolt radiated through my body, leaving my legs feeling weak for the first time in my immortal existence. I needed to steady myself on Carlisle's shoulder, my mind in turmoil at what I had just seen, the terrible truth engulfing my consciousness.

Carlisle looked at my face in confusion, gripped my elbow to help me stay upright, and spoke to me in his thoughts. '_Edward, are you all right?_'

I didn't answer him, as I turned to face the Alpha wolf, and in a choked voice asked, "The redheaded vampire, Victoria. Have you caught her?"

All the faces in the clearing turned towards me; those of my family in surprise or confusion, and those of the Quileute's with obvious hostility and contempt. But the Alpha, Sam, answered me in his thoughts : '_No, we have not been able to catch her. She continually returns, though, always trying to get through our lines. I am sure you know what she wants here_,' his mental voice sneered at me.

As if this was the cork pulled from a drain, the thoughts of the other Wolves assaulted me in a torrent of devastating, horrifying images. They showed my Bella, but not like I had ever seen her before; rather, this image showed a different girl : a devastated wraith, with blank eyes and a stultified expression of numbness on her face.

One after another the thoughts hit me like battering rams. I saw a distraught Bella being found in the woods; I saw her emaciated form in the immediate aftermath of our departure; of her sullen eyes and sunken cheekbones, her frame looking like it was skin stitched over frail bones.

All because of me.

In trying to protect her, I had broken her.

Never in the long stretch of time that was my purgatory of a half-life, had I felt as unfit to continue existing as I did at that moment. But before I could drown in my grief from the terror of this nightmarish panorama, Alice asked aloud, her voice shrill in the silence of the clearing: "Victoria? Here? Are you sure?"

My family looked over at the Quileute's, blissfully ignorant of the image in their minds, of a devastated Bella left behind by our ruinous departure. They misunderstood my horror-struck expression as being in reaction to the news of Victoria returning to Forks, while the family was living across the country, blithely going about their everyday affairs.

I only half-listened to the ensuing pandemonium, the chorus of questions from my family and the stilted, angry answers from the Wolves. With the keening agony of sorrow and guilt spilling in my mind, it was difficult to focus on them. They explained, with obvious anger, how they had saved Bella from dying at the hands of 'the dread-locked leech' – Laurent – and how Victoria had come back, again and again, sometimes with 'friends' - newborns that she must have created – to get to Bella.

As Billy and the young Quileute who had pushed his wheelchair relayed to my family the events of the past ten months, I was overwhelmed with the thoughts of sadness and despair that gripped us; how we failed, utterly, in our duty and obligation to protect Bella and the citizens of Forks from the horrors of vengeful retribution from our kind. And how we left her - literally – in the hands of the Wolves.

Jasper struggled to contain my grief and my family's anguish, and his calming influence over the field waned slightly. As it did, the Wolves began growling again, and the Alpha quickly trotted off into the trees. He returned moments later, clad in cutoff denim shorts, and strode up to stand alongside Billy Black's wheelchair. "Cullen coven, we are not happy to see you here, and want you gone from Forks." He eyed us individually, before turning his attention back to Carlisle. "Your presence has brought nothing but trouble for us and for the people of this region, and every death that the redhead deals to the people here is on your heads." Sam finished with the sharp authority of one who is used to being obeyed.

Carlisle, having regained his composure after hearing the terrible truth about Victoria, answered back. "We understand your distrust of us, Alpha. We want nothing more than peace and safety for all the citizens of Forks, and we will do what we can to ensure that Victoria and any vampires with her are stopped from causing any more harm."

Sam stared us down for a moment, taking our measure. His thoughts were steady, but I caught glimpses of doubt; the Wolves had been unable to catch Victoria, despite laying several careful ambushes. And the body count - both in Forks, in Port Angelas, and on the Reservation - continued to go up.

Sam, Billy, and the other Elder - who was apparently named Old Quil - shared a look, and Billy gave a curt nod. "Very well," Sam said, turning back to Carlisle. "For now, until the threat of this Victoria is eliminated, the treaty will stand." His voice hardened, and he looked at me. "And the terms of the treaty forbid you from trespassing on our land, or from biting any human." Thoughts of Bella flashed through his mind when he said this, images of her crying softly on Charlie's shoulder; but these were quickly squelched, as if he was purposefully not thinking of her.

As Carlisle and Sam conferred with Jasper and finalized their discussion about boundary patrols and means of communication between us and the pack, I thought back to the earlier thoughts of the reddish wolf, who kept repeating to himself 'not to think of her'; and of Sam's avoidance of thinking of Bella, as if there was something they did not want me to see.

Despite the terrible revelations revealed this evening, and the feelings of anguish and self-loathing that repeatedly hammered through me, I could not help but wonder what they were hiding.


	8. Chapter 8 - Family Reunions

**Chapter 8 -**

**Family Reunions**

**EPOV**

* * *

After leaving the clearing and the meeting with the Quiluete's, my family rapidly and silently ran through the late night darkness to our home. Their thoughts were mostly focused on the same thing: the revelation that Victoria was here, in Forks, and hunting Bella. They, like myself, had thought I had lost her somewhere in South America. The fact that she returned to Forks, ahead of us, was disturbing and filled us all with guilt. We owed the Wolves a very large debt for keeping her safe.

Jasper was the only one whose thoughts were not consumed with the news of Victoria's return; he was able to sense my emotions, and he could feel my almost desperate curiosity. He was unable to understand the reason for this, however, and did not know that the Wolves were purposefully keeping certain thoughts of Bella hidden from me.

As we neared our house, after a run of only a few minutes, I suddenly picked-up the thoughts of Rosalie and Emmett. They had come back to Forks, probably at Carlisle's bidding. Despite being somewhat subdued, the tenor of their thoughts did not surprise me. Emmett was happy to have us all back together again, and Rosalie, despite the irritation she felt at having to cut her trip to Europe short, was also pleased at having us all under the same roof.

My current frazzled state of mind did not allow me to dwell overlong on the feelings of my family at the moment, so I quickly told everyone that Emmett and Rosalie were back. As expected, this announcement was greeted with happy thoughts, particularly from Esme, who was always sad when her 'children' went separate ways.

Emmett stood waiting for us at the door, a large grin splitting his face. His cheerfulness was hard to ignore, and I grudgingly admitted to myself I was happy to see him. "Good to see you, Eddie! Glad that you finally manned up and came back to collect your girl!" said Emmett, slapping me on the back.

Despite the momentary upswing in my feelings, I could not offer him more than a perfunctory hello, and the grin slowly slipped from his face as he let me by and greeted the rest of my family, all who were also unusually somber. Their greetings were muted, and he was immediately worried that something was 'off.'

Rosalie, who had been sitting on the couch and leafing through a magazine, stood to greet everyone as they entered the living room. She hugged Esme and Alice, and gave quiet greetings to Jasper and Carlisle. Lastly, she looked at me and nodded, barely acknowledging my presence, which did not surprise me, as her thoughts had turned angry as soon as she saw me.

Wanting the solace of my room, I turned to ascend the stairs. But before I made it to the first step, Carlisle stopped me: "Family meeting, right now," he said, his voice soft but firm. I could not ignore the request, and with a sigh I turned back and sat myself down at the dining room table, our usual place for family meetings. I sat on the antique chair to Carlisle's right, my hands gripping the polished rosewood armrests as I mentally prepared myself for what was sure to be an unpleasant conversation.

My family sat themselves down quietly, all eyes turning to Carlisle when he took the chair at the head of the table. "I am happy to have everyone together again," he began, "and I hope that we don't undergo such a painful separation again." He let his eyes wander over all of us, letting the love he felt for us shine in his eyes. The last person he looked at was me, and his expression changed, to one of firmness. The message in his eyes was clear, as were the thoughts running through his head: '_don't disappear again Edward_.'

I mentally heard that everyone agreed with Carlisle, and I was aware of everyone looking at me, their expressions sending me the same message. I dropped my eyes to the tabletop, filled with guilt and regret. I knew that my actions had been hurtful to my family, but at the time I felt that I had no choice; the pain that I endured after leaving Bella rendered me incapable of being in the presence of the three mated pairs in our household. I could not deal with their frequent displays of affection and love, of their gentle embraces and lustful emotions The thought that I would never again feel such emotions, that I had left behind the only possibility of love that I would ever have, filled me with such torturous longing that I had to escape.

Out of my whole family, I think only Jasper really knew how much pain I was in, and I know that I overwhelmed him at times, forcing him out of the house and out of range of my grief. So, I concluded, that running away, giving Jasper his space and separating myself from my family and their mated happiness, seemed to be the best solution.

As I reflected on this, I was astounded as to how poor my decision making had been since Bella entered my life. I was like a boatsman in a hurricane, trying to steer a skiff home with a bouncing compass, and constantly over-correcting for every change in course. And my over-corrections had not only affected me, but my family as well. My account balance of people who I owed for my failings was nearing epidemic proportions.

I needed to wise up. If I were even to hope to have a chance at winning back Bella's heart, I would have to change my arrogant, stubborn belief that I was smarter or wiser than her.

These thoughts took less than a second to run through my mind, and I focused my attention back on Carlisle. "I know this has been a difficult time for everyone, but there are some things we need to discuss tonight," he continued. "We have to decide what to do about Victoria, and think about how long we can possibly stay in Forks."

Everyone's eyes turned to Alice, whose eyes went blank for a few moments as she ran through possible futures. "Well, besides a few wild and ugly rumors about us, we should be OK. Though I don't think Carlisle will be able to work at the hospital for long, without people getting suspicious.," she said, her mouth turned downward in a slight frown.

Heads nodded at this, but Alice was not yet finished. "However, I do see that Edward will not be well received by _anyone_ in Forks, and we can't go back to school for the last few weeks as it will cause major problems."

"Why?" asked Carlisle.

"No one will believe that we transferred back this late in the year, and if anyone asks us what we are doing back we have to play it off like our school finished early," Alice answered.

Rosalie gave Alice a dubious look, as most high schools didn't finish up in May; however, with our stellar grades and penchant for unusual attendance patterns I did not think we would have much trouble. But the fact that I would not be able to attend school with Bella and rejoin her in her classes saddened me; and by the grim expression on Alice's face, it did not sit well with her either. She was looking forward to rekindling their friendship.

With that sorted, Carlisle continued. "So, that brings us to the matter of Victoria. Clearly, we have underestimated her relationship with James, and her presence here and her apparent persistence in trying to get to Bella is very troublesome." At the mention of Victoria, Emmett clenched his fists; and when Carlisle finished, he started up from his chair in surprise.

"Victoria? Here? And after Bella?" Emmett snarled, looking at me with anger blazing in his eyes. He blamed me for this, and rightly so.

"Yes," answered Carlisle, his tone grave. "Apparently she has been trying to get to Bella for several months. And before that, she used Laurent to scout out our presence here. Luckily, the Wolves were able to catch him." There was silence for a moment, as everyone again pondered the terrible circumstances we had left Bella in.

"Good riddance," Emmett finally said, sitting back in his seat. "What the hell has been going on?"

Carlisle relayed the conversation we had with the Wolves to Emmett and Rosalie, the latter who kept her eyes steadily trained on me during Carlisle's speech. Her thoughts were sharp but indecisive, wavering between anger at Bella for once again dragging us into a troublesome situation, and pity for her at having to deal with the threats of our world with no protection but a pack of mangy Werewolves.

"So," concluded Carlisle, "we have agreed to work with the Wolves in tracking Victoria and any newborns she has created. And in removing the threat they pose." Despite Carlisle's known aversion to violence, his words were steady and left no room for doubt. "I hate to kill any sentient being, but I am afraid that Victoria cannot be reasoned with." He shook his head sadly; Carlisle was a true pacifist.

After a brief silence, Jasper spoke up. "There are additional factors to worry about," he said, his thoughts running in several directions, thinking through strategies for dealing with Victoria. "She has been creating newborns, so we don't know what kind of numbers we are facing," he said, leaning forward with his hands crossed on the table in front of him. "The Wolves have so far killed two of them, but they said that they had scented at least four others in the past month. We have to be prepared for a larger force, perhaps as many as six or even eight newborns," he finished, the distaste clear on his face. No one knew more about newborn vampires than Jasper, who learned about them in one of the cruelest environment's imaginable.

Alice looked again at the possible futures, but shook her head after a few seconds, unable to get a clear picture. "I can't be sure how many she has. I can see glimpses, but the involvement of the Wolves is blocking my visions."

"What?" asked Rosalie, speaking up for the first time, the surprise evident in her voice. "What do you mean they block your visions?"

Alice looked grim. "Tonight, when the Wolves showed up, anything involving their futures - and ours, if we were interacting with them in any way - was a complete and total blank. I don't know why," she finished, her voice fading to a near whisper at the end, "but I can't see any outcomes involving them."

All the members of the family were uneasy at this: we relied far too much on Alice's visions, and we all knew it. This was blind sailing for us, and it was as uncomfortable as it was unfamiliar.

"Well," said Carlisle, after having been lost in deep thought, "we will have to do our best. But from here on out, everyone is to let someone know, at all times, when they will be leaving the vicinity of the house. I don't want anyone hunting outside of Forks alone, and everyone needs to stay in cell phone range. There is too much uncertainty right now to risk doing otherwise," he concluded, his voice firm. This was an order, something Carlisle didn't like to have to do with us too often.

Everyone nodded, and then attention focused on me at Carlisle's next words. "Edward, what do you plan on doing about Bella?" he asked me, in a concerned tone of voice.

Esme reached over and took my hand, squeezing it gently, offering me what comfort she could. She knew how tortured I was over Bella, and I appreciated the gesture. "I honestly am not sure what to do," I answered quietly. "I saw some very disturbing images in the Wolves heads tonight, and they also were thinking some things that confused me." I shook my head, remembering the disjointed images of a sad and pathetic Bella; and I remembered the feeling that they were hiding something else from me.

"What did you hear, Edward?" asked Alice, anxiety clear in her voice.

I closed my eyes, my teeth clenching against the painful memory. "I saw her, after we left," I said quietly, almost whispering the words. "She wasn't...," I stopped, taking a deep breath. Not willing to meet anyone's eyes, I tried again. "She wasn't doing well. She was sick," I finished lamely, knowing that I wasn't going to get away with such an evasive and half-hearted response.

"What do you mean, Bro? What happened to her?" asked Emmett, concern evident on his face. He had only been privy to the information that Carlisle had relayed to him the previous night; that Bella had seen me, then sent me away. As I listened to his thoughts, I realized Carlisle did not elaborate on what I had said to Bella when we left last September. But I knew that after this meeting, Alice or Jasper would tell him everything, so hiding anything now was pointless. There were, after all, no secrets in this family.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, squeezing my eyes shut. "She didn't take our leaving very well," I started, the painful memories of her emaciated form causing my insides to twist painfully. "She... well, she lost a lot of weight, and was very pale, and her eyes were bloodshot. Worse even than Phoenix. And she looked like she was not taking care of herself, and I have the impression that it was very serious." I could not bring myself to meet the eyes of my family, but I could not keep out their thoughts, which speared into my mind, stabbing at me with guilt and shame.

"How bad was it?" asked Carlisle, in doctor mode. "Was she hospitalized?"

"I don't know," I answered, my voice weak. "She looked worse than I have ever seen her. I would estimate that she lost fifteen or twenty pounds. Maybe even twenty-five." I heard a gasp from Esme, and Carlisle's thoughts were pained as he did a quick calculation of how much Bella weighed before we left, and how serious such a large percentage of body fat loss would affect Bella; of the stress it would put on her liver and kidneys, and how it could lead to malnutrition and anemia, chronic organ damage, and serious medical complications.

Emmett and Jasper's thoughts were also painful, but they were also very angry. But it was Rosalie's thoughts that shocked me the most: she felt bad about this news, which surprised me; she had never been a fan of Bella's.

Before anyone could sink further into their depressing thoughts, I told them the last bit of news I had picked up from the Wolves. "There was something else, though. Something they were hiding. I could only get pieces of it."

Esme looked up at me, her eyes shining with venom, the precursor of tears that would never fall. "What were they hiding, Edward?"

"I am not sure. One of the Wolves - Jacob, I think - kept repeating to himself not to think of 'her.' And Sam did the same. But I caught glimpses of Bella crying on Charlie's shoulder, and he was sobbing as well," I said, catching everyone by surprise with that last comment.

"Charlie was crying, too?" asked Alice. "I cannot picture that." Alice had become close with Charlie over the previous year, when she helped Bella shower and change when she was recovering from her injuries in Phoenix. She had been impressed with Charlie, and had come to like his quiet strength and stoic outlook on things. She knew that Charlie - and Bella - would have been painfully embarrassed if Charlie was forced to help Bella bathe and dress; and Alice rarely saw Charlie express much emotion around Bella.

"Yes," I replied to her question. "I was also surprised to see it. But I don't know what the reason was for his tears."

Everyone quietly absorbed this news, before Carlisle finally brought the meeting to a close. "Well, for now, I think Edward needs to decide on what he will do regarding his relationship with Bella, but I am not entirely sure we have the right to pry into her personal affairs. Perhaps we should wait and see if she cares to share any details with us."

"But Carlisle," said Alice, "what if something is seriously wrong? Don't we want to know? To help?" Alice pleaded, looking at Carlisle with wide eyes.

"Of course we would want to help, Alice. We all love Bella," Carlisle answered, compassion and sincerity clear in his voice. I looked up at Rosalie, but for once she didn't scoff at a declaration of support for Bella. Shaking his head slightly, Carlisle continued: "But we need to tread carefully. For all intents and purposes, we abandoned her last year. And we now have to face the results of our actions."

"It might not be anything directly related to Bella," said Jasper, breaking the silence that had settled over the table at Carlisle's words. "Maybe something happened to her mother? Edward always said that Charlie still had strong feelings for her."

I hadn't even considered that possibility. But could Jasper be right? They would both grieve if that was the case. But why would the Wolves not want me to see that? "No, I don't think that's it Jasper. Why hide something like that?" I said, and Jasper's forehead creased for a moment in thought, but then he was nodding his head.

"That's true," he conceded. "But maybe it is something we haven't considered, and they just don't want us to know. We don't really know anything."

Alice looked up, her hands crossed in front of her. "I am going to see her tomorrow, I have seen it," she said. "I will try and find out if anything is obviously amiss."

I gave Alice a half-smile and a nod, expressing my thanks. _'You're welcome, Edward_.' she thought at me. _'And Edward, good luck.' _The vision of myself running through the night to Bella's house flashed through her mind, and with nary a backwards glance at my family who were retiring to the living room to catch-up with each other, I was out the door and on the way to my sleeping angel.


	9. Chapter 9 - Late Night Arrival

**A/N : This one is a few days early, as I finished up most of 'Bella and Edward at Angela's wedding' ahead of schedule. So here you go - enjoy!**

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**Chapter 9**

**Late Night Arrival**

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I flashed through the darkness of the late hour, plunging headlong through the shrouded forest at dizzying speeds as I raced towards Bella's house.

My thoughts were a tumultuous riot of conflicting emotions. Sadness and self-loathing at myself, because of the condition I had left my beautiful Bella. Bitter hatred, towards Victoria and Laurent, for placing Bella's life in danger. And finally, hope; that my Angel would forgive me and bestow her gentle love upon me once again.

The meeting with the Wolves, and the subsequent meeting with my family, had left me deeply unsettled. There were still too many unknowns about the events of the past ten months, and they gnawed at me. What had occurred during the last few months, that so radically changed Bella? What happened, that turned her from the practically comatose, anorexic-looking girl so prominently displayed tonight in the Wolves thoughts, into the very sexy but remote and indifferent vixen I encountered yesterday? From their minds, I had picked-up background details that indicated she was at her 'worst' last fall; and that by the time she had met Laurent at the meadow - in what looked like January or February from the color of the grass and foliage - she had already put some of the weight back on and looked to be marginally better.

And then what happened? The period between the encounter in the meadow and now was a total blank – a mystery of three or four missing months. The only images the Wolves had in their minds about that time period was the vision of Bella crying on her father's shoulder. In that distressing and sorrowful image, she had still been thin, but was in far better shape than she was months before. Did something change after that? What was the catalyst that caused the change?

I knew that if Alice could not get answers from Bella tomorrow, that I would have to entreat with the Wolves to get more information. And as distasteful as that option might be - as all dealings with those unpredictable dogs were abhorrent to me - I would do anything to help Bella, in any way I could. And to do that, I needed to fully understand what had happened to her while we were gone.

Even if I had to disobey Carlisle and pry into her personal affairs – school records, medical records, criminal records – I would.

After a sprint of less than five minutes, I found myself outside of Bella's house, her window beckoning to me, like a lighthouse calling a tired sailor home. The lights in her room were off, her curtain closed, and I listened with eager anticipation for the soothing sound of her heartbeat.

I immediately heard a trio of sportscasters talking on the living room television, discussing the night's baseball scores. And I heard the raspy sound of Charlie's snoring from the living room, where he was probably sleeping in his favorite recliner. But I could pick-up no other noise in the house. No thrumming heartbeat, or gentle breaths, or whispered murmurings of my Bella's sweet dreams.

Becoming concerned, I scaled the tree outside of her window, and jumped lightly over to the side of the house, holding myself up by grasping onto the overhanging eaves of the roof. I tried her window, but found it locked tight. This small detail bothered me tremendously, and the clenching in my chest was a painful reminder that I no longer had an open window with an Angel waiting to welcome me in. And I had no one to blame but myself.

Pausing for a moment, I contemplated my next move. I could have easily broken the lock, but my vampiric senses told me that Bella was not in her room and that I did not want to leave any obvious evidence of my entering uninvited.

Why was she not at home? Where was she at this late hour? Did Charlie fall asleep in his chair waiting for her?

I jumped down to the grass, and retreated to the tree line, preparing to call Alice and ask her to look for Bella, when I noticed Bella's truck parked on the gravel of her driveway. So wherever she was tonight, she had not driven herself there. Was she at a sleepover, at Angela's maybe?

With a pang of regret, I realized I had absolutely no idea what Bella did at night, or who her friends were now, or any of the million other details that I had taken for granted when we were together. I had always wanted to know every little detail about Bella's life, and it saddened me that I now had no clue whatsoever of how she spent her time, or who she spent it with.

I took a deep breath to gather myself, and was immediately assailed with the rotten stench of wet-dog. The smell was recent, perhaps as fresh as thirty minutes earlier. Why were the Wolves prowling around Bella's house? Was it to guard her from Victoria? That wasn't right - our agreed upon patrol schedule had them scouting a much wider perimeter, over four miles from her house.

Were they trying to guard her from _me_?

As I considered the situation, I heard the sound of an approaching car, coming fast down the road, with its radio spewing the cacophonous noise of a juvenile heavy metal band playing at loud volumes. Much to my surprise, the vehicle that was blaring this noise pollution slowed as it reached Bella's house. It was an ancient looking, heavily rusted sports car in very poor condition, and it came to a complete stop right in front of her driveway.

To my utter shock, the passenger door was flung open and out stepped a smiling Bella, stunning me with another unexpected entrance. Yesterday, I find her riding on the back of a motorcycle being driven by a werewolf. Today, she is coming home at two a.m in a veritable junk mobile, spewing obnoxious music as it passed. What would she be arriving in tomorrow? Was she being chauffeured around town by anyone else?

Reining in my desire to shake some sense into her, I watched Bella as she swayed slightly on her feet, catching herself on the door to keep her balance. She then leaned back into the car, wishing the driver a goodnight and thanking him for the ride, to which he nodded and mumbled something in return.

Then I watched, in sheer disbelief, as she pulled the boy from the back-seat forward and up by gripping the collar of his jacket. And then she kissed him soundly on the lips, moaning into his mouth. The kiss went on for several seconds, and my mind went red with rage as images from earlier in the evening played through the boy's head; of Bella fondling his genitals in that same backseat not two hours earlier, laughing as they enjoyed a bottle of vodka together, and whispering lusty words as they gave themselves over to carnal pleasure.

A deep growl started in my chest, and I felt myself preparing to spring and rip the maggot boy in-half, when two things occurred simultaneously: my cell phone began vibrating in my pocket, and then Bella suddenly stood upright, swaying for a moment before turning around unsteadily and taking a step away. Then she slowly walked up the path to her front door, stumbling as she went.

Shaking off my blistering rage, I tried to calm myself by taking slow, deep breaths, ignoring the now silent cell phone. I felt myself calm by degrees, and was surprised to feel sudden wetness in my palm, and I looked down at my right hand in confusion. My eyes widened when I saw that I had inadvertently crushed the thick tree branch I had been leaning on, turning it into a mess of spongy pulp, which now dripped out between my clenched fingers. I had absolutely no recollection of doing this, and my loss of control frightened me. That boy had been very, very close to dying.

As I looked back towards the house, the car pulled away and vanished down the street, the sound of its engine and the jarring notes of the puerile music fading into the distance. The last thought I picked up from the hateful passenger was his satisfaction at getting to 'third base' with Bella. This stoked the flames of my anger again, and I narrowed my eyes as I searched through their thoughts to try and pick up the boy's name.

Nothing flashed through their minds, however, so I committed the license plate number to memory; perhaps I would have Jasper hack into the DMV database for me, and have the owner's driving license suspended. Even though the driver was not the one who had put his hands on Bella, the act had occurred in his car, presumably with his knowledge. That alone was reason enough for the jealous beast in me to demand retribution.

As I pondered these admittedly juvenile and petty thoughts, a sudden laugh sounded across the lawn, sending heated sparks deep into my bones. The carefree laughter came from the lips of Bella, giggling freely as she fumbled with her key at the door. Before I knew what I was doing, I had taken several steps closer to her, the sound of her gentle laughter reeling me in.

I had no plan, no grand strategy, other than to prostrate myself at her feet and beg her forgiveness. Some part of my brain realized that perhaps this course of action was not the wisest, or likely to bring any success; but right then, in that moment, I saw and knew nothing but Bella - that my Angel was there, and I needed to make her understand how much I needed her.

Maybe my plan would have worked; perhaps she would have taken pity on my monstrous self; or maybe she would have laughed at me and slammed the door in my face. I would never know, for as I started across the street her front door swung open and Charlie was suddenly there, helping a clearly inebriated Bella into the house. I froze, watching him gather her to him as she mumbled her thanks. And then, the door was closing behind them, cutting off the sweet sounds of her laughter with a loud 'click.'

And the brief moment of happiness I had upon hearing her beautiful laughter was extinguished like a snuffed-out candle, as I stood outside, alone in the dark.

I listened in to Charlie's thoughts as Bella slowly made her way up the stairs. Apparently, this wasn't the first time she had come home drunk, and I was shocked that he seemed to accept this behavior from her. This was so very unlike the Charlie Swan I knew last year; the father who cleaned guns in front of her daughter's would-be suitors, who reminded her to carry her pepper spray when she went on dates.

What had happened here? The mystery of the missing months deepened, and I needed answers, desperately. I felt like Bella was slipping through my fingers, and a strange anxiety gripped me, a slinking fear that coiled around my stone, un-beating heart.

The only thought of Charlie's that gave me any sort of release from the slow dread that had filled me, was his relief that Bella at least made sure that someone sober would drive her home. Apparently they had made this 'deal' at some point in the past; Charlie would waive her curfew, and treat her like the adult she legally was, but she had to call him if she could not find a designated driver.

Despite this one slim bounty, I was outraged at his leniency and actually considered reporting Bella for underage drinking. How could the Chief of Police allow such behavior? And from his own daughter!

Dark despair gripped me again, and I sullenly walked around to the side of the house, to creep like the stalker I was, hiding under her window.

I stood there for some time, listening to the sounds she made in the bathroom, and reflecting on my dismal change in fortune. Ten months earlier, I was a welcome visitor in her bedroom, and would even now be lounging on her bed, eagerly waiting her return from her nigh-time routine and her 'human moments.' She would come into the room, flushed pink from her shower, hair wet and dripping down her back, her potent scent filling the room and drowning me in a heavenly haze.

The fantasy spun out, and I took it further, now imagining myself crushing her warm body to my chest, savoring her delightful taste on my tongue as she opened her mouth to me, feeling her desire for my touch race through her veins as her heart thundered out its cadence for the both of us.

I let myself drown in the dream; I pictured her hot hands working down my chest, pulling at my buttons, running the fire of her touch over my sensitive skin. I saw in my perfect memory the image of her soft, pale flesh, and I imagined her glorious mounds in my hands, fitting them as if they were designed just for me. My dream-self ran my nose along the silken column of her throat, savoring her life's essence, reveling in her breathy moans of lust and love.

My arousal was spiking, and I don't know how far the fantasy would have gone; but the moment was shattered, when the flush of the toilet intruded upon my consciousness, and the sound of Bella leaving the bathroom and trudging down the hallway reached my sensitive ears.

I listened as the whisper of clothes hitting the floor echoed in my brain, and heard her dressing in her sleepwear - probably her favorite grey sweatpants and holey t-shirt, I thought with a smile. But my momentary happiness faded as I realized that perhaps this new Bella had dispensed with the comfort-wear, and now dressed in frilly silk or lace. And the twisting in my gut started again as I realized that maybe I would never get the chance to find out.

Grief gripped me then, and I sank to the ground, ignoring the wet grass and mud that slowly soaked through my pants. I sat there, unmoving, like a gargoyle of myth, under Bella's window, as she settled herself in her bed and fell into a restless sleep. I listened for over an hour, letting her deep breathing and the sweet rhythm of her heart lull me into a peaceful state.

No spoken words came from her lips, and this filled me with mixed feelings, as I both feared them and yearned for them.

I feared, as I did not know what she would say; perhaps she whispered the names of other boys now? After all, she had allowed two separate men - if I could be called that - to touch her in less than a 24 hour span. Would she gasp and groan another man's name in her deepest sleep? Would I be able to endure such a torture, even to hear her sweet voice?

I yearned, as I wanted to hear her unguarded thoughts once again. They were, after all, the only avenue I had to understanding the inner workings of Bella's mind. Did she still dream of me? And if she did, were they nightmares? I knew she still found me attractive, and desirable: her actions of yesterday in her bedroom proved that. And she had invited me back for more.

But was that all I was to her now? A plaything, with no more significance than the unnamed boy who she stroked to pleasure in the back seat of his friend's car? A distraction, easily dismissed and forgotten?

I did not know, and the uncertainty was killing me. I had always joked that Bella Swan would be the death of me. But little did I know, as I sat there on the muddy ground outside of her bedroom window, how portentous that statement would turn out to be.

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**A/N - Next Chapter will be out sometime next week.**


	10. Chapter 10 - Breakfast Delights

**Chapter 10**

** Breakfast Delights**

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As the first glimmering rays of sunlight filtered over the canopy of the surrounding forest, I heard the first stirrings from Bella's house. Charlie was waking-up, and if he followed his old patterns he would be out of the house by seven a.m. The shadows of the forest retreated further as the light grew, and I knew that it was time for me to head back home. Since it was a Saturday, Alice was going to be coming here later today, and I wanted to follow-her and eavesdrop on her conversation with Bella.

Bella had finally muttered a few words in her sleep at about 5 a.m., but they didn't make any sense to me, just mumbled words; 'cold', and 'dark' and 'soon.' Nothing that made any sense to me. Besides those brief words, she had slept soundly, and had not twisted and turned in her sheets as she used to do; perhaps the alcohol had affected her normal sleep rhythms.

With a long last glance at her closed and curtained window, I turned and sprinted back to my house, running wide for a moment to track the trail of the Wolves who were patrolling along the perimeter of town. When I did pick up their telltale scent, it was mixed with Jasper and Emmett's; clearly my brothers were taking the threat that Victoria faced very seriously, and they were setting aside their prejudices and were working with the Wolves.

I tracked around for a few miles, but I could not scent Victoria or any other vampires. Satisfied that Bella was safe for the moment, I ran the last few miles towards my house, jumping over the churning Sol Duc River, which was broader and faster moving here in the deep forest than it was nearer our home. When I burst through the tree line and onto the edge of our property, I was surprised to see Emmett sitting quietly on a large boulder that overhung the edge of the river.

I approached him slowly, rifling through his thoughts; he was still agitated with me from our earlier meeting, and hungry for revenge against Victoria. Emmett took his role as 'protector' very seriously indeed, and regarded Bella as his 'kid sister.' He had never wanted to leave her, and felt like he had failed by leaving her unprotected - never mind the fact that she was my mate and that job should have fallen to me. That enraged him as well, but he knew I was hurting and could wait for payback against me later.

His thoughts quickly shifted direction, and I tuned him out when I saw how he and Rosalie had spent the last few hours 'working off' their anger and frustrations.

Emmett looked over at me, a smirk forming on his broad face. "Hey, Eddie. Guess it didn't go so well tonight?" He patted the rock next to him, inviting me up. With a sigh, I pulled myself up onto the rock and sat down beside him.

"No, Emmett. It did not go so well," I said, running my hand through my hair, looking out over the churning water below.

Emmett just nodded, looking out over the water too. "I think you got your work cut out for you, man. You can't say that kind of shit to your girl, split for almost a year, and then think it's all going to be smooth sailing," he said, his face still turned towards the river.

I knew that he was right. Emmett had a very simple nature, and was direct and to-the-point. Over the years, however, I learned that his action-oriented personality was backed by a frank wisdom and ability to see to the heart of a matter. Unlike Jasper, who would explore and examine the nuances and motivations of all parties in a situation, often to great depth, Emmett would, as it were, cut right-to-the-chase.

And so he did. His honest assessment rankled, but I knew I had screwed-up, in a very big way. I had allowed my self-righteousness and martyr-complex to win out over my heart, and thus made a hideous mistake. The problem, as I was finding-out, was that I did not know how to fix it.

Digging my fingers into the surface of the granite boulder, I pried out a small chunk, watching as the stone surface gave-way before my iron strength. I threw the chunk aimlessly into the river below, watching as it was caught by the current and swirled into deeper waters, until it was invisible even to my vampiric eye-sight.

"I'm scared, Emmett," I whispered at last, my eyes staring at the water. "For the first time in my entire existence, I really do not know what to do."

I raised my eyes and looked at him, as he stared at the churning river. Trying to keep the desperation out of my voice, I asked, "What do I do, Emmett? I am completely at a loss."

Emmett didn't answer me, and continued to stare out over the river. After a few seconds of silence, he finally turned to face me, his mouth crooking into a small smile. "Glad to hear you admit that, Eddie. You've always acted like such a know-it-all, and with your gift, maybe you were," he said, his tone lighter than it had been. "For you to fix things with Bella, you are going to have to really change your shit, you know?" he asked, looking me square in the eye.

I nodded at him. "I do know, Emmett. I have to learn to trust her. And I have to learn to trust myself too," I answered quietly.

Emmett's signature, dimpled grin spread across his face. "I am impressed, Eddie. Seems like you have already learned a hard lesson. Maybe there is hope for you, eh?"

As his question rang through my mind, I found myself feeling lighter. Not surprisingly, Emmett's indomitable cheer was able to lift my spirits, and gave me hope. Perhaps I _could _change my ways, and win my Bella back.

I knew it would not be easy: my Victorian upbringing and overprotective ways were an ingrained part of my personality, locked-in forever when I became a vampire. To change, I would be fighting part of my very nature. During the era I was raised, it was normal and expected for the man to make most of the important decisions for his household, and thus it had been natural for me to assume this dominant role with Bella.

But this was not 1918 anymore, and I had to adapt or risk never having another chance at her heart. Bella, despite her fascination with classic English literature and her romanticized view of the Victorian age, was a woman of her times. I could not expect her to acquiesce to 'junior partner' status if I wanted a relationship with her. Such a denigration of her rights as a modern woman would rob Bella of a voice, and would squelch some of her inner-passion that I found so enticing.

So I had to change, difficult as that was for a vampire, and adapt to the times.

I knew it could be done; if not, then Carlisle would still be that 17th century preacher's son, and Esme that skittish and frightened woman that she was when she first awoke from her transformation.

I had confidence in my ability to change. I had overcome extreme difficulties before, and knew that for Bella, I could do this.

I turned to Emmett, feeling lighter than I had since I had returned to Forks, and chuckled at him in thanks. "Yes, Emmett. I think there is hope for me."

With a goofy grin, Emmett stood up, pulling me up by the elbow with him. "Good," he boomed, back to his usual jovial self. "Moping about is not going to win back your girl," he explained. "What you need, Eddie my man, is a plan!" he laughed, his eyes twinkling in the early morning light. "See, I know what it is like to be in the doghouse with your lady. And trust me, they can make you run through the shit before you're back in their good graces," he laughed again, slapping me on the back.

Despite my previously glum mood, I cracked a smile at Emmett's boisterous speech, and prepared to thank him. But he wasn't done yet, and finished it off with his typical raunchy humor. "And let me tell you, the make-up sex, when they finally do forgive you, can be so very worth it!" He waggled his eyebrows at me, before breaking into a run towards the house, his thoughts already planning ahead to how he would spend the day with Rose in a variety of sexual scenarios.

Tuning him out, I shook my head fondly at his juvenile display, and walked back to the house, thinking about my next meeting with Bella, and what I would say to her.

I found Alice waiting for me in the living room, alone. "Hello Edward," she said. Her tone was quiet, and my quick spirits sank once again. "Anything you want to tell me?" she asked nervously, her hands twisting in her lap.

I rifled through her thoughts, and I saw that she already knew that Bella had come home with a boy last night. She didn't know the details, of course - she couldn't read the boy's mind about his backseat tryst with Bella - but she had seen my reaction and had worried enough to call me on my cell phone to stop me from ripping the boy in half. So she knew that something happened that upset me greatly, and she was able to guess fairly accurately as to what that something was.

I shook my head, not wanting to talk about it. I plopped down onto the couch beside her, letting the silence between us stretch out. After a few awkward moments, she forced a cheerful grin. "Ok, then," she said, talking in her usual animated fashion. "I am going to Bella's house at 9:45, and will bring her breakfast. I can't see precisely what will happen, but I don't see myself back here until almost 11. So she will decide to talk to me," she finished, not letting-on how much the uncertainty of her vision actually bothered her.

I looked at my sister then, seeing the sadness in her eyes and her expression. I missed her, more than I realized, and found myself feeling ashamed once again.

"I am so sorry, Alice," I whispered, looking into the deep golden eyes of my dearest sibling. "I've hurt so many people. How do I repay them?" I pleaded with her, hoping that she held the answers to my fortunes.

Alice looked at me sadly, and took my hand, clasping it with both of her own. "I don't know yet, Edward. But I think admitting that you were wrong, and going on from there, is the first step," she answered quietly.

I nodded, letting the comfort of her hands soothe me. "Is there any hope for me?" I finally asked, both dreading and praying for her answer.

Alice scrunched up her face, before her eyes glazed as she scanned my possible futures. I watched her thoughts stream by as she looked outwards; blurry images, indistinct shapes, and darkness was all I saw. As she narrowed her focus in to the near future, I began to pick-up some detail; snippets of me talking to my family, Alice talking with Bella while I hid nearby, a picture of Bella's window, closed and locked, a sad-looking Bella turning and walking through her front door. I sighed, as nothing of promise was evident in her visions.

After a few more seconds, she finally refocused her eyes, and looked at me. "I can't see", she said. "The far future is blurry, and I cannot make out anything substantial. And the near future," she said, removing her hand from mine and gesturing with it, "is...well, you saw," she finished lamely.

I nodded, not really having expected anything else. "Thank you, Alice," I said sincerely, knowing that I had a lot of ground to make up with my sister.

Putting a brave and determined smile back on her face, she jumped from the couch. "OK, no more moping. I've got to drive to Port Angelas to get Bella some breakfast. I remember that she loved the blueberry waffles from _Grandma's Cafe_. Want to come?"

I chuckled despite myself, remembering Bella moaning over the delicious waffles last year, her cheeks flaming red with her mortification as my family laughed at the sound. We had made it a point to get her those waffles at least once a week after that and Emmett always got enjoyment out of teasing her about them. He would sit at the dining room table with her, watching intently as her fork made its way into her mouth, egging her on to start moaning again. Despite Bella's embarrassment, she secretly enjoyed the bonding time with Emmett and my family.

I vowed to bring her back to them.

So despite my lingering anxiety, I smiled my agreement at Alice, and followed her out to the garage, where we drove off in my Volvo, to get breakfast for my beloved.

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**A/N - Next Chapter in a few days; will be Alice meeting Bella, and we will finally start to get some answers. Meanwhile, I am off to make some waffles.**


	11. Chapter 11 - Breakfast Conversations

**Branded Under the New Moon**

**Chapter 11 - Breakfast Conversations**

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Alice and I drove silently down Route 101, speeding across the bridge spanning the Sol Duc River, and not slowing until we reached the outskirts of town. I glanced out the window at the turn off onto the 110 - La Push Road - and clenched my fists in anger thinking of how much I owed the Wolves for protecting Bella in my absence.

Alice must have picked-up on my discomfort, as she 'tsked' me, her thoughts showing her frustration with me, and she finally shook her head in exasperation at my moods. I ignored her, and kept my eyes trained on the slowly waking town of Forks, with people unhurriedly walking to their destinations on this Saturday morning.

We crossed through town, finally turning left on Calawah Way, before passing the Forks Mobile Home Park and turning onto Trillum Avenue. Alice pulled the car to the curb, and nodded at me to get-out. I opened the door, looking back at her before closing it. "Thanks Alice. Good luck," I said.

"It will be fine, Edward," she answered me, smiling at me._ 'I know she loves you. We just have to remind her of it,' _she said in her thoughts.

I ran for the cover of the trees, and looped my way through the forest until I was perched in the woods behind Bella's house where I could hear everything that was said.

I listened to the sound of Bella's heartbeat, singing to me over the sound of her shower. I heard her go through her familiar bathroom routine, drying herself off, brushing her hair and teeth, getting dressed. I felt relaxed and happy as Bella performed these perfunctory tasks; they reminded me of the happiest days of my existence, when I would sit in Bella's room and wait for my Angel to emerge from her human moments, fresh and clean and eager to see me. Even the sadness and self-loathing I felt at knowing that I was now nothing but a stalker ex-boyfriend - the kind of scoundrel I used to despise - couldn't completely undermine the joy I took at listening to her do these simple things.

These _human _things, I reminded myself with disgust. The kind of things I wanted her to do, for the rest of her life, untainted by my cursed existence.

Despite my return, and my unquenchable desire to win Bella back, a large part of my conscience was still incredibly guilty and morose. I knew that, if Bella were to get back together with me, that her long term future would see her tethered to a man who would, in a few short years, be too young to be seen in public with her, and would force her to move from place to place, never setting down roots as people became suspicious of her young companion. She would be forced to lie to her parents and friends, hiding me from their scrutiny: how could I explain my never aging? We could never marry, or if we did, it would have to be in secret: how could she be a Mrs. Anything if she could never claim or show a husband? I knew this would be a tiresome existence for her.

The alternative to this: she would become a vampire.

Something I had _sworn _to myself never to allow.

So where had my resolve gone? I knew, in the deepest part of whatever constituted the remnants of my soul, that I wanted Bella by my side for eternity. How could I not? She was my _mate_. I could not exist in a world where she did not. It was impossible to consider.

We all knew the stories of what happened to those vampires who lost their mates. They either became virtually catatonic - like Marcus of the Volturi - or went insane with revenge schemes like Victoria, hoping to die along with the target of their revenge. There was no record of any vampire losing their mates and continuing on with productive existences. Not one. Most vampires who did suffer that greatest of losses ended their own existence at the first opportunity, welcoming the end to relieve them of the constant pain.

So to think that my old scheme of standing-by while Bella aged and eventually died - not to mention the myriad of things that might strike her dead before she even was old enough for her body to die of natural causes - now struck me as the height of arrogance and foolishness.

How could I have conceived of such an idiotic notion? And never-mind the fact that Bella herself wanted - nay, _begged_ - me to change her! I was naive and self-absorbed and living a fantasy.

The danger to her in my presence was very, very real, and she was always going to be at risk when she was near my family. And the visions of her dead, at my own hands, were too nightmarish to stomach. But she had accepted the risks of being with me, with eyes wide open, and I had dismissed her choices. I had tried to make Bella's decisions for her, tried to be her parent instead of her mate, and in my arrogance left her behind thinking I knew best.

I would regret that decision to the end of my days, no matter how things ended up now for Bella and I.

With a regretful sense of irony, I pictured, for a moment, the vision of my Bella, as Alice had seen her long ago: beautiful, and lithe, and immortal, red eyes shining with secrets as she hugged Alice closely.

Why didn't I see that vision then for the truth of what it was?

A _gift_, for me. My mate, for eternity.

Alice tried to tell me. She begged me to listen. But I wouldn't. I thought I knew best. And that choice may have cost me my mate.

I viciously pushed that thought down, focusing instead on Alice's car as it approached Bella's street. I was breathing heavily, my thoughts running wild. Thinking about what I would do if Bella didn't take me back was too distressing to focus on right now. But the thoughts emerged anyway. How I would have to sulk, hiding, on the sidelines, watching from a distance, as she spent her life with another man, and then knowing that when she finally passed from this world that my time would come...

_NO!_ Again I pushed the thoughts away, and concentrated on listening to the soothing sounds of Bella's heartbeat, the shuffle of her footsteps as she made her way downstairs, the clinking of glass as she took a bowl out for some cereal.

As I began to relax, I watched through Alice's thoughts as she pulled up to the curb in the Volvo. She quickly exited the car, and was ringing Bella's doorbell before Bella had a chance to pour the milk on her cereal.

_Please, Alice_, I thought to myself. _Make her love me_ _again_.

Bella's head snapped-up as the chime rang through her house, and with a grumbled oath she shuffled her way to the front door, pulling it open without hesitation.

Through Alice's eyes, I could see the shock on Bella's face as she registered her visitor. Her mouth opened and closed quickly, and her eyes, at first stretched wide, narrowed at my sister.

"Hi Bella," said Alice, with genuine cheerfulness and longing in her voice. She wanted to keep the tone light, but Bella didn't say anything in return.

I watched as thoughts ran through Alice's head, of how good she thought Bella looked, at how her figure had matured, but she also noted the tension in her brows, and the tightness of her eyes. "Can I come in for a bit? I've missed you," Alice said quietly, genuinely, almost pleading with Bella.

For a moment I thought my fate might hang in the balance, but then I saw the vision in Alice's head a moment before it happened; and then Bella pushed the door open wide, stepping aside to allow Alice to enter, without saying a single word. Despite the cool greeting, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Alice breezed in through the living room to the kitchen, and took out her waffles for Bella. "I've brought you breakfast, Bella. Blueberry Waffles from Port Angeles!" Alice chirped, her excitement at seeing her only human friend infusing her words.

I watched as Bella's face softened, and she chuckled to herself. "Same old Alice." Bella sat at the table, taking the proffered container from Alice's hand, and took a large whiff. Even from my perch in the forest, I could hear Bella's stomach growl, and Alice and I both laughed quietly.

"It's good to see you, Bella. I really missed you, and I wanted to bring you your favorite breakfast," Alice explained, taking a seat at the table across from Bella. She crossed her knees, watching with a big smile as Bella cut into the waffle and took a bite.

"Thanks, Alice," Bella mumbled, her mouth full of waffle, slurring her words. "These are great." I watched my love chew her food, her beautiful mouth moving up and down, the food sliding down her throat, her neck muscles working deliciously.

Alice watched Bella chew a few more bites, and poured the milk from the container into Bella's glass. "Bella, I want to apologize for leaving the way I did. You deserved better," Alice said, her voice expressing sorrow and regret.

Bella arched her eyebrow, and then settled herself back in her seat, the breakfast momentarily forgotten. A long silence ensued, with Bella staring steadily at Alice, her eyes darting back and forth between Alice's.

At that moment I cursed my inability to hear Bella's thoughts. Alice was keeping me out, singing nursery rhymes in her mind, and I couldn't get a glimpse of any visions. So my only indicator was Bella's usually expressive, 'open book' face.

But at the moment, I was finding it anything but. I couldn't decipher her expression, which looked like a mix between aloof amusement and sadness. Alice sat quietly, waiting for her friend to speak. As the silence stretched, Alice finally asked, "Are you going to say anything, Bella?"

Bella sighed, momentarily dropping her gaze. She took a deep breath, and then looked back up at Alice, and now her expression was now one I could read: I saw pain and sadness in her eyes. "I missed you too, Alice. I didn't understand for a long time, how you could leave me the way you did," she said, folding her hands in front of herself. "It hurt me almost as much as Edward's leaving. I needed you, and you weren't there," she whispered, looking down.

Alice's thoughts radiated grief and remorse, and she whispered "I'm so sorry."

Bella paused for a moment, gathering herself, and then spoke again. "It wasn't until Laurent came that I finally understood how you could leave like that," she said, in a voice so quiet that even with vampiric hearing it was hard to understand.

Alice's brow drew up in confusion. "What do you mean, you understood after Laurent left?" Alice asked.

Bella's eyes snapped back up to Alice's, her expression tight. "He told me what I was to you, Alice. What I was to you and your _family_." The word family, though spoken quietly, came out almost like a curse, and I flinched hearing that tone from Bella.

Alice looked at Bella pleadingly and with confusion. "Please, Bella, what did he say to you? What happened?" Visions raced through Alice's thoughts again, too fast for me to decipher.

Bella looked searchingly at Alice, before her face settled into that blank mask I now despised. She picked up her fork again and started to eat again. She took several bites and a drink from her glass, and wiped her mouth with a napkin, looking down at her cereal.

She put down the napkin, and looked again at Alice, her brown eyes dark, her pupils almost fully dilated. Clearly whatever she was thinking made her afraid.

I was frustrated as ever, as she made Alice wait while she gathered her thoughts. I was used to this from Bella, but familiarity with her conversational patterns did not make it any easier to wait. "Laurent showed up here in early February," she finally said. "He was scouting the area for Victoria." Her voice was flat and almost monotone, except for a slight quaver on Victoria's name.

Alice worried with fear for her friend, thinking of the terror Bella must have been facing. It would have been the second time in twelve months that she was face-to-face with a vampire who was going to hurt her, and Alice was surprised that Bella held up as well as she had. As the memories of Bella's broken body in Phoenix raced through Alice's mind, a low growl started in my own throat at Bella's words. I swore that I would be dancing on Victoria's ashes, soon.

After a pause, Bella continued relating the events, still talking in matter-of-fact tones without emotion. "Laurent told me that he was surprised I was there alone, and he asked where your family was. I...," and here Bella paused for a long moment, as if considering her words carefully, "...I had an uneasy feeling about him, even though he was acting friendly. I saw that his eyes were red, and I had a… feeling that I should lie to him. So I told him that you had left, but visited often." Alice waited quietly for Bella to continue, but she was as impatient as I to get the rest of the details, to find out what he said that devastated her so.

Bella stopped for a moment, and took a deep breath. "He told me... he said...he said he was surprised that your family left me behind, since you kept me as the family _pet_." Bella said this with such anger in her voice that I wanted to scream, and rant, and find Laurent's ashes and burn them again.

Alice, too, was unnerved by Bella's words, and shook her head angrily in denial. "No, Bella. Laurent was a liar and a traitor! We never felt that way about you, never. We loved you, Bella. We still love you Bella!" Alice cried, her hand reaching across the table to grip Bella's as she saw the hard look returning to Bella's face, the disclaimer forming on her lips.

I watched as Bella pulled her hand from Alice's, and stood-up from the chair. She paced back and forth across the linoleum floor, the soft slippers she was wearing making swishing noises as she walked. She looked angry, but also looked confused and uncertain.

Alice watched her, and spoke in a desperate tone. "Bella, you need to know what happened when I left. I won't talk about Edward, or make apologies for him. But you need to know what happened to me after your party, and why I left you the way I did." I heard her thoughts at the same moment. '_Sorry Edward. I need to get through to her as a friend before I can get her to believe anything about you. Trust me.'_

Bella stopped her pacing, and looked at Alice with a hard stare. Her cheeks were red, and her mouth was drawn in a tight line. "Ok, Alice," Bella snarled. "Tell me why you left me like yesterday's trash. Why my best friend left me behind without a word, and changed her phone and email addresses so I couldn't ever reach her. Go ahead, Alice! Tell me what happened to you that excused what you did, that make's abandoning me without a single word and leaving me for dead all right! Go on. Tell me! Lie to me some more!" Bella was seething by the end of her tirade, the last few words shouted loudly. Her fists were clenched by her sides, and her eyes were burning brown orbs, staring at Alice with an intensity I had never seen on her face before.

Despite my anxiety at what was taking place, and the wrenching feelings of guilt that hammered at me, I thought Bella was glorious in her anger, and I had to fight down the powerful urge to grab her, and run-off with her, and ravish her, and never stop.

Alice looked shamefaced, and if she could have gotten paler she would have. Bella's was righteous in her anger, and I felt my shame and Alice's regret deep into my bones.

After a silent minute, Alice spoke quietly. "Nothing excuses it, Bella. Nothing at all can excuse me cutting you off like that. I was so very wrong to leave you alone for as long as I did; but please let me tell you why I did, what circumstances surrounded my leaving, and what happened after that." Alice looked pleadingly at Bella. "Please? Can you sit, and listen? And afterwards, if you want, I will go and leave you alone." Alice was using all her considerable gifts to persuade Bella, and it would take a very strong will to be able to overcome Alice's determination.

Bella grimaced, but finally sat down with a huff. She crossed her arms over her chest, her posture defensive, her eyes hard. But at least she was going to listen.

Alice took a breath, and spoke softly but with conviction. She was going to tell Bella everything, even things I had never wanted her to know about that night, about what went on in our minds, about our darker sides. '_It's the only way, Edward.'_

With a deep breath, hands folded in front of her, Alice began. "The night of your birthday party, Jasper was feeling uneasy, and wanted to hunt. I scanned through my visions, and saw nothing untoward happening, so I told him we would go afterwards, and enjoy our night together, out in the forest. We sometimes like to spend our nights in the wild like that, as we like our privacy," she said, her lips quirking as thoughts of her and Jasper in various sexual encounters flashed through her mind. I saw through Alice's mind that Bella's lips twitched as well, but then Alice continued.

"When you cut your finger, I saw an immediate vision, which ended in nothing more serious than Carlisle and Emmett having to restrain Jasper, and him quickly regaining full control." she said in a strong tone, making sure Bella was paying full attention.

She was. Bella's arms had relaxed, and she had leaned forward, absorbed in listening to every word Alice said. "Bella, you have to understand, that Jasper is a powerful empath, a curse as much as a gift. He feels the emotions of others, and a vampire's thirst is one of their most powerful emotions. The scent of your blood in the air hit Edward first, as he was closest to you. Even after all the time you had spent with Edward – indeed, even after Phoenix when he sucked out your blood – _you were his singer_, and your blood was calling to him. When his thirst flared, it hit Jasper like a battering ram. And then Jasper felt not only Edward's emotions, which was enough to unbalance his mind, but then he smelled your blood himself."

Bella frowned, then nodded thoughtfully. "I never blamed Jasper, Alice. I knew he didn't do it on purpose." I watched as the fire in her eyes began to slowly cool, and I knew she was thinking again about that night. That horrible, fateful night, when the first of many bad decisions were made by me; a cascade of failures, all starting with a paper-cut. How could I ever keep her safe if a paper-cut threatened her life? How very different our lives might have been if only I had listened to Bella, and not coerced her to attend that damn party?

Alice's voice broke through his reverie, and she continued. "I am glad you didn't blame him, Bella. But he blamed himself. When Edward knocked you backwards, and you cut your arm, everyone in the room save Carlisle wanted your blood. _Every single one of us was ready to kill you_." She emphasized the point, to be sure that Bella understood how close a call we had that night.

Bella's face had paled, and Alice relentlessly spoke-on. "At that moment, I saw dozens of visions run through my head, and this time, almost every one of them ended-up with you dead. In many of them, Edward himself was the one to get to you first, ripping out your throat before Carlisle could pull him away."

Bella gasped, and turned her head; and again I wondered what she was thinking. She suddenly chewed her bottom lip, looking at Alice uncertainly. This old habit, her pouty lip trapped between her teeth, a habit of hers that I always found endearing, was a happy reminder to me that not everything about Bella had changed, that maybe my old Bella was, in part, still in there somewhere and that maybe her feelings for me were too.

Seeing the expression on Bella's face, Alice's voice softened slightly. "Besides Carlisle, Rosalie was the least effected by your blood. Believe it or not, she is the only one besides Carlisle who has a spotless record. She has never succumbed to bloodlust and attacked a human. Ever."

Bella looked surprised by this, Alice noted, but she continued without pause. "Rose grabbed Emmett, and together helped pull Jasper out of the door. Edward, Esme, and I ran from the room, as we knew our thirst was going to overcome us, and all my visions showed you dead if we didn't run right then." Alice paused here, waiting and making sure Bella was still with her.

"When I got clear of the house, I had a vision of Jasper running away in shame. He was in a terrible state; anger at himself, loathing his existence, rage at the world. In the main vision I had, he would falter again, and would end-up killing a cabin full of hunters in Northern Canada, who would be in the wrong place, at the wrong time – if I didn't get to him before he came-upon their cabin. And Bella, if he did kill them, this would tip him over the edge. I didn't see when, or...if... he would ever come back to himself," Alice said, her voice quiet now, quavering a little, as the memories of that vision assailed her mind.

Edward could see the first signs of compassion on Bella's face as Alice told her tale. Bella's hand twitched, as if she wanted to reach across the table and take Alice's hand.

"Understand, Bella, that whenever Jasper slips, he goes through a period of severe depression. He doesn't slip often – the last time was over a decade ago. But when he does, it sometimes takes him months, or even years, before he comes back to himself, and tries again to be better than he is."

Alice looked away for a moment, her thoughts racing back to some of Jasper's darker times. With a sigh, she looked back at Bella sadly. "Jasper and I have had to leave the family for brief periods, before, when he's slipped; he can't really tolerate anyone's company afterwards, because even when they try to hide it he can feel their pity, their disgust, their shame, at his weakness. And he knew they would be feeling this again. But in the past, all his victims were strangers. People he never met, and who none of us knew."

Alice's eyes met Bella's, and I saw the sorrow echoed there. "But not this time. This time, Bella, this time almost broke him. In my visions, there was a fair chance that we would not be returning to the family again, that Jasper would not be able to face Esme, or Carlisle, or especially Edward... knowing that he almost took you away from them, knowing how much they loved you, and knowing how long Edward had waited for you. Jasper resolved, right there, that he would never endanger you again even if that meant staying away from the family forever."

I looked through my sister's thoughts, watching the play of emotions of Bella's face. She was sad, and thoughtful, and chewing on her fingernail. Alice was quiet for a long minute, before she started talking again. "My only thoughts at that time, Bella, were for Jasper. I chased him for two days before I caught him in Northern Canada, just an hour from where he would have killed that cabin full of hunters. I had not spoken to anyone in the family as I raced to catch him, as I was frantic. And when I finally did, I just held him as he sobbed for hours on my shoulder, telling him it would be OK."

Alice stopped here, and turned her eyes to the table, breathing deeply. I watched as Bella's face turned pensive, and she finally did reach her hand across to squeeze Alice's hand gently. Alice registered the warmth of her touch, and I felt it through her thoughts, the delicious heat and softness of her skin. I wanted to comfort my angel, and soothe her troubles. "What happened next?" Bella asked quietly.

Alice looked up, and squeezed Bella's hand in return. "We made our way towards Denali, where we have a home near our cousins. Now that I was with Jasper and he was calmed down, we talked about what we were going to do. He refused to return, so we planned on spending time traveling together. I had wanted to investigate my human past, and since I was born in Mississippi, near Jasper's home in Texas and his friends Peter and Charlotte, I told him we could visit there. "

"But then, on the way to Denali, I was hit with a terrible vision. I saw Edward telling you that he was leaving you. I called Carlisle, frantically, and asked him what was happening, and he said that Edward had resolved to leave you: that you were risking your life whenever you were with us and that the right thing to do was to extricate ourselves from your life. And despite my anger and denials and wish to rip his head from his shoulders, some part of me wondered if he was right and that our world was going to end-up killing you."

Alice stopped her story here, and Bella stared back at her, her eyes wide. Alice had just told her the reason I had really left, and undoubtedly Bella was trying to reconcile her words against my terrible lies from the forest. I waited with baited breath, wondering which way the pendulum would swing.

There was a long moment of tense silence, as Bella turned her head to the side, staring at nothing, chewing her lip as she did when she was thinking deeply about something. I waited and watched through Alice's mind, until I felt, through her thoughts, her fine senses picking up the telltale smell of salt from Bella's tears. Her lower lip quivered, and her eyes grew watery.

At that moment I wanted nothing more than to run in and declare myself to her, and I actually felt myself rising to my feet before I regained control, Alice's voice once again calming me.

"I tried, Bella," Alice said quietly. "I called him, a dozen times, maybe a hundred times, ranting at him, screaming, threatening. I told him no good would come of this, that it was wrong, that we could fix this, that if necessary Jasper and I would stay away from our family for as long as necessary, to help keep you safe." Bella looked pained at this last admission, and the first tear dripped from her eye, leaving a trail of wetness on her pale cheek.

"But he wouldn't listen, Bella! He saw the visions in my head, of him killing you himself, and he would not be swayed. He reminded everyone that we had never moved for him before – ever - and that he needed us to do this for him now. That the only thing left he could give you was the chance to live without the threat of death always hanging over you."

Another tear fell from Bella's eye, and Alice finished her tale. "He asked me honestly if I saw you living danger-free if we stayed with you, and I couldn't see it. The future was too blurry, but there were many paths that ended with you dead. Anything positive was hard to see, especially now that he had, in his heart, made his decision to leave. "

"The final thing he asked me was to leave you alone; he knew that, if I kept in touch with you, that either he or I would break, not being able to resist you if you begged to see us, and that we would be endangering you again. I won't say anything else about what he might or might not have thought: that's for him to tell you, Bella, and I am here today as your friend, not as Edward's sister. So know that, from the moment we left you, Bella, I have been burdened with the guilt of leaving my best friend behind, and have contemplated a thousand different times if I should just ignore the idiot and come back to see you."

Bella giggled despite herself, a rough, cracked sound that was raspy through her silent tears. "Really?" Bella asked.

"Yes, absolutely. If I had not been preoccupied with Jasper for the first few months after we left, I think I would have not listened to him." _Sorry Edward, but it's true_. "But Jasper is my Mate, Bella, my other-half, and everything for him will always come first. It's harsh for you to hear, but it's true. Our existence can be like that," she said, her voice firm but sad. "Vampires mate for life, Bella. Eternity is a long time to be without your mate, so we are fiercely protective of them and would do anything for them."

I watched different emotions play across Bella's face now that she knew what had happened. There was sadness, and anger, and frustration. But there was also something else there, that I hadn't seen before. There was a lessening of tension, a relaxing of the creases around her eyes. Alice had laid it all out there, every dark and dirty secret, every disgusting truth about our monstrous nature of how we behaved that terrible night; and of how I wanted to drain Bella myself, and that my family would have been only too glad to help.

I hoped that Bella's expression meant, at the least, that she would forgive Alice. If nothing else, I owed Alice that.

"Bella," Alice said, "I know I have wronged you. I know I wasn't there for you. But I would like a chance to make it up to you, and would welcome the chance to be your friend again, regardless of what happens with Edward." Alice waited patiently, smiling sadly at Bella. Visions danced through her mind, but nothing was solid.

After a few seconds, Bella spoke quietly. "You hurt me, Alice. You hurt me badly. I was broken when you left." Bella sighed, but then a tiny smile appeared on her beautiful face. "But thank you for telling me the truth. And I think, yes, I would like to try and be friends with you again."

Alice let out a small sigh of relief, and reached across and stroked the back of Bella's hand. "Thank you, Bella. We have plenty of time for me to prove myself to you," Alice said.

I was happy for Alice, and I watched Bella's face, anticipating her full, beautiful smile. But instead, there was a momentary grimace there, before she schooled her face to blankness. It had been brief, but I had seen the tightening lines around her eyes; and Alice had detected the flutter of her heartbeat as it skipped a beat.

_Did you catch that, Edward_? Alice asked me in her thoughts.

I had, indeed.

* * *

**A/N - OK, Alice is back in her life. Quite a different take on what went-down that night of the party, eh? Should Alice have done differently?**

**What's next for Edward?**

**Chapter 12 up in about a week.**


	12. Chapter 12 - Catching - Up

**Chapter 12**

**Catching-Up**

* * *

I stood at the edge of the overhanging forest canopy, my mind reviewing the last few moments of conversation between Bella and Alice. Yes, there had been a definite change in Bella's expression and a change in her heartbeat when Alice made the comment 'we have plenty of time for me to prove myself to you.'

What was the significance of her reaction? What was it about Alice's statement that caused it?

Despite my superior mental capacity, I was not able to focus completely on the possibilities, as I was distracted by Bella's conversation with Alice which was still spirited. Alice was complimenting Bella on how great she looked, and how much better she was dressing, trying subtly to discover what prompted the change in attitude. But Bella artfully dodged her attempts, waving her hand dismissively, laughing lightly and repeating that she was simply 'trying new things.'

With a smooth touch that surprised Alice, Bella steered the conversation back to my family, and asked Alice about Jasper and the rest of the Cullen's. She pointedly avoided mentioning my name; this made me quite sad. But Alice dutifully told her about what the family had been doing since last September.

As Alice nattered on, I thought back to her words from before, and Bella's reaction to them. I quickly realized the only significant items that could have caused Bella's hesitation were the phrases 'enough time' or 'prove myself.'

I ran it back through my mind, thinking over the words, and deduced that the phrase 'enough time' was most likely the concept that caused Bella's heart to beat erratically and for her expression to change. I did not think that the phrase 'prove myself' had a high probability of causing her heart to stutter though I could not rule it out completely.

Time. Yes, whenever we talked about time, Bella would become anxious. She always worried about not having enough time with me, or my family. And she was especially wary about her aging, particularly relative to me and my family. She had a terrible fear of growing old and leaving me behind. So time was always something she wanted more of when she was with us.

Now that I was almost certain that 'enough time' was the phrase that made her anxious, my vampire mind ran in a dozen different directions, now paying only minimal attention to the conversation taking place in the house. To be absolutely certain I was on the right track, I ran through Alice's phrase very slowly, watching with my perfect recall the moment that Bella's heartbeat spiked.

I saw that I was correct: Bella hesitated and her heart did its customary flutter-dance when Alice mentioned having 'enough time'.

Without pause, my brain now ran down different paths. Now that I knew she was worried about time, the possible significance suddenly scared me.

What worried her? Was Bella reacting only because of her fear of aging again? Or was something else in her mind?

I knew there could be many reasons for her reaction. Perhaps, it meant Bella's time in Forks was limited, because she was leaving? Or was she afraid of Victoria and thought it likely she might be killed? Not knowing her thoughts, I could only guess.

Or was something else making her anxious? Why did she not think she had 'enough time'?

A buzzing in my head, like a swarm of bees at the edge of my consciousness, teased me with a bleaker possibility. Perhaps, the buzzing voice said to me, Bella had some sort of life-threatening condition that was going to take her away from me soon, and she would never get that full human lifetime I had always wanted for her.

The buzzing voice in my head grew louder, more insistent, and had to I steady myself against a close overhanging branch, as the possibility of Bella having some fatal disease rolled through me like a black wave. I felt it zapping my strength, almost causing my knees to buckle.

Was it possible she was ill? Was there something seriously wrong with Bella? Would she be taken from me before her time?

The rational part of my mind rejected this theory based on what I had seen. Surely, if she did have something that was immediately life threatening - and a wide range of illnesses sprung to my mind, such as cancer, heart disease, genetic problems - then she would either be undergoing treatment or showing some symptoms of illness. Right?

And as I ran through the last twenty-four hours in my mind, it didn't appear that she was suffering from anything except for some uncharacteristic teenage rebellion. She looked healthy, and was acting like a typical teenager did. She rode around on motorcycles, got drunk with boys in cars, and had no visible markers for any disease.

My relief was short-lived, as I realized that perhaps she had some long-term, chronic condition, which might not manifest for years. She could very well be disease or symptom free for decades.

As I let my mind race through the possibilities, I relaxed somewhat. Even though I had always counted on her living a long, healthy life, a chronic, slow-developing condition did not overly frighten me; surely there would be enough time to get her treatment and extend her lifespan into old-age.

One thing I resolved right there: if Bella _was_ chronically ill, then she would get the best care possible on this planet, no matter the cost. I knew Bella was proud and stubborn and might refuse my help; but Charlie would accept the help from Carlisle if it meant keeping his daughter healthy; of that I had no doubt.

And, if the worst was true, if her condition could not be treated, then I would offer her the immortality I so foolishly denied her last year, without hesitation.

I slowly calmed down, and thought again of my supposition. The more I thought about it, the more other candidates - other than sudden death or chronic disease - seemed plausible.

Had I misinterpreted her pause and was looking for calamities where there were none? I was always prone to overreaction with Bella: I knew that.

Perhaps Bella planned on leaving Forks for college somewhere sunny, where my family could not venture. Or perhaps she was moving back with her mother.

Or, perhaps she was thinking about the Wolves, and how they would be very uneasy with my family spending time with her. That certainly seemed likely, and it would be just like Bella to worry herself about how she would split her time between two mythical monster groups. The thought made me smile.

I laughed as I realized that, indeed, this seemed a more likely possibility than some mysterious phantom illness. After all, Bella had been thoroughly checked-over last year in Phoenix when she was in the hospital and there was no sign of anything untoward in her tests and lab-work.

I decided that I would have to return to Bella's house later and snoop around - if Alice couldn't figure out what was going on from her conversation with her. It was distasteful for me now to do so - as I am sure that Bella would not appreciate it, unlike the last time she found out I had been in her room uninvited - but I was frustrated about those missing months, and I wanted answers.

I tuned back into their conversation, which had temporarily lulled, Alice having filled Bella in on the things my family - with the exception of myself - had been doing for the past 10 months. She had told her about Carlisle and Esme's time in Ithaca, and Rose and Emmett's travels in Europe.

And then Alice's voice grew somber as she told Bella about her trip to Biloxi, and about her discovery of her old patient records, detailing the time when Alice was a patient in the asylum. She told her about her date of admittance, and how it matched the date on her tombstone. Bella's face looked pained, and she reached out again to hold Alice's hand.

With her fingers wrapped in Bella's own, Alice's voice lightened when she told Bella that she actually found a living relative; that her younger sister Cynthia's great-great granddaughter was married and living with two children in Biloxi. "I couldn't believe it, Bella," Alice reflected, eyes bright. "I was an Aunt! And one of the children's names was Mary. I wonder if they named her in honor of me?" Alice trailed off, staring at nothing, her thoughts far away.

A quiet moment was shared between then, and a smile slowly formed on Bella's face. "Oh Alice, I am so glad you found your family! Do they seem happy?"

A wide grin split Alice's pixie face, and contentment radiated in her thoughts. "Yes, Bella. They did. They really looked happy," she said. And then Alice's smile turned mischievous. "And they will be extra happy come Christmas-time, when an 'anonymous do-gooder' will arrange for a truckload of toys and children's outfits to be delivered to their house!" Alice assured with a laugh.

Bella joined my sister in her laughter. The sound brought me joy, but also a slight taste of bittersweet, as I wanted to be the one to make her laugh; to be the one to fill her days with happiness and love. But I was being selfish. I would never deny Alice her connection with Bella ever again.

Alice calmed, and her story finishing as she brought Bella up to speed on our family's doings over the past few days. "We are finally all back in Forks, but honestly we don't know how long we are going to be staying. I think Carlisle will probably go back to the hospital, but we haven't made any long-term plans."

"Why," Bella asked, tilting her head.

Alice looked at her a moment before answering. "Because, Bella, our plans depend heavily on what you want."

Bella's smile faded, and she again had that tight, pensive look on her face. Alice watched her without comment, waiting for her to speak. Despite her notorious bouncy nature and general impatience, Alice could outwait most people, when she had to.

Finally, Bella sighed, and stood up to put her plate in the sink. Alice watched without comment, as Bella cleaned and dried it, and placed it in the rack. She didn't turn back around, and stood facing the wall over the sink, her hands on the counter edge, supporting her weight as she leaned on it.

Alice was treading carefully, not wanting to upset Bella, but she needed to know what she wanted. I was nervous: would she send us away?

Alice also very much wanted to know what Bella was keeping back, but she was afraid of pressuring her, of testing their so recently repaired friendship. So she waited, impatient but quiet. But as the minutes dragged on, it soon became clear Bella was not going to speak first. She looked deep in thought, as if she was debating with herself about what to say.

Finally, Alice sighed. "Bella? Do you want us to stay?" she asked tentatively. "Please tell me what you are thinking." She spoke in a soft, undemanding tone, which was very unlike Alice when she wanted something.

Bella took a deep breath, and turned around, leaning back against the sink. She looked steadily at Alice, her stare unwavering. "Honestly, Alice, I am not sure," she eventually answered. Alice flinched in her thoughts at this declaration, but kept her expression blank, as Bella took another breath and continued. "I never expected to see any of you again, and am afraid of letting you all back into my life. It took me a very long time and a lot of pain to get to the point where I can even function without feeling like I was splitting into pieces. And Edward promised it would be like he never existed and that I would never see any of you ever again." She shook her head sadly at this, looking down at her feet.

Alice's thoughts turned angry, and I winced at the profanity and stream of curses she was hurling at me in her thoughts. _'Stupid, dumbass jerk! You goddamn_ _idiot! How the hell could you say such things to her!'_

Alice struggled to keep her face even, but she grimaced despite herself when Bella mumbled, too soft for human ears: "Of course, he broke every other promise he ever made to me too, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised you're back."

Alice swallowed the angry words she wanted to say about me, but my own guilt swelled again, filling me with disgust and self-loathing. She smiled sadly at Bella, and replied, "I won't speak for Edward, as I said before. We obviously came back, but we will only stay if you are going to be OK with that."

Alice stood up, walking over to her. "Bella, you are calling the shots now. I won't put you in any position that makes you uncomfortable. If you don't want us here, then we will leave as soon as Victoria is taken care of," she promised. I immediately knew I wouldn't abide by this, but kept my thoughts in check as Alice finished. "But I hope you want us to stay. We really do love you, Bella, and I know everyone would really enjoy seeing you again."

Bella chewed her lip for a minute, before looking up at Alice with a twinkle in her eye. "Even Rosalie?" Bella asked, smirking. I was glad to see her previous good mood returning.

Alice's face broke into a wry grin. "You'd be surprised by Rosalie. She might act like queen bitch all the time, but she knows that we functioned better as a family when you were there," Alice stated honestly.

Bella's beautiful brown eyes sparkled for a moment, her hand coming up to cover her mouth as she giggled at Alice's quip about Rosalie; and suddenly, I was filled again with hope. I knew my Bella was still in there now. Trust Alice to get through her hardened shell.

Alice laughed back, and soon the two friends were laughing and giggling together, when Alice leaned forward and embraced Bella in a hug. I felt Alice's thoughts registering the warmth of Bella's skin, the smell of her shampoo, the scent of her blood: freesia and strawberries and spring rain.

Alice was surprised at the grip with which Bella held on to her, holding Alice with probably all the strength in her frail human body. Alice was pleased with the hard hug, and was in no rush to release Bella either, so she hugged her back firmly.

"I really missed you, Alice," Bella whispered as she hugged Alice close. "I am so glad you're home."

Tenderness and love flooded Alice's thoughts. "Me too, Bella. Me too."

* * *

Over the next hour they talked of mostly trivial things, with Bella telling Alice about the comings and goings of the kids from Forks; but whenever Alice asked about the Wolves or probed too deeply into Bella's personal life, Bella would steer the conversation to different waters. Alice allowed it without any difficulty, and didn't call Bella out on her tactic. '_Time enough for details later, Edward,' _she thought at me.

And Bella seemed fascinated with every little detail she could get about what my family had done since we left last September, and Alice happily filled in the picture for her.

As they chatted like they had never been apart, I reflected on truly how selfish I had been to Alice; Bella was really the only friend Alice had, and I had ripped her away, not even allowing her to say goodbye.

It was true that Alice had good relationships with the Denali cousins. But Tanya and her coven were all older, both in physical years - as they were changed in their early to mid-twenties - and in vampire years, having been alive since the dark ages; and they were so different culturally from Alice that they often found it difficult to relate to one another. Their only common ground, really, was their enjoyment of shopping and their vegetarian diet. And I knew that, even though Bella despised shopping in general, Alice usually had more fun shopping with Bella than she did with the Denali sisters.

There were other people Alice claimed as friends; Charlotte, Peter's wife, and Siobhan and Maggie from the Irish coven being the most prominent. But truthfully, she wasn't really close with them, forging quasi-friendly relationships that didn't have any real depth.

The only other female, besides Esme - with whom she had more of a mother/daughter relationship – who Alice was close to was Rosalie; and that was mostly because they were sisters. Alice had never bonded with Rosalie the way she had with Bella, despite knowing Rose for fifty years and Bella for less than one. I knew this was another thing about Bella that Rosalie was jealous of, and unfortunately for Bella, Rosalie was very good at holding a grudge.

As I listened to their chatter, I saw once again how natural and easy Alice and Bella's relationship was. Their friendship was effortless; they seemed to always take such enjoyment from each other's company. I fondly remembered several occasions where Jasper, despite my admonishment's to keep his distance, would try to soak up as much of the bantering, sisterly atmosphere he could when Bella had visited our house.

I was glad Alice had such a friend, and I again promised myself to never interfere in their friendship.

* * *

It was nearing noon, when Bella's cell phone beeped twice, a soft chiming bell, interrupting her funny anecdote about a movie she had seen recently. Her easy smile suddenly vanished and she stopped talking mid-sentence. She grimaced for a moment, before smoothing her features. "Alice, would you excuse me for a second? I'll be right back," Bella said distractedly, looking upwards towards her room.

Without waiting for an answer or reply from Alice, Bella walked out of the kitchen, and Alice listened as she heard Bella run up the stairs and close her door. There was a click of a lock, and a few shuffling noises coming from the bedroom.

_'What do you think is going on, Edward?'_ Alice asked me. I whispered to her, quietly enough that Bella wouldn't hear, that I had no idea. I ran around the front of the house, looking at Bella's window, but the window was down and the curtains were shut, and all I could see were dark shapes in the room. I knew that if I vaulted into the tree outside her window for a closer look, that there was a risk that in daylight she would be able to spot my shadow through the curtain. I couldn't chance it.

After a few seconds, Bella unlocked the door, calling out to Alice that she would be right down, and then walked quickly to the bathroom. I heard the lock click shut, and then the sound of running water blocked out all noise. Alice wondered if she had done this purposefully, and it bothered me that I couldn't hear anything. After about two minutes, the toilet flushed, the water shut off, and Bella emerged, walking slowly down the stairs and rejoining Alice in the kitchen.

"Sorry," Bella said, her cheeks filling with her customary blush. "Something I had to take care of."

She took her seat again at the table, avoiding Alice's gaze, tapping her fingers on the tabletop nervously as her cheeks slowly lost their color as her blush faded.

Both Alice and I were curious and concerned. What was she doing upstairs? Was there a message for her? A text? Clearly she had gotten-up in response to the phone call. Who had called her?

Speaking very softly and carefully, Alice asked, "Bella? Is everything all right?" The concern in Alice's voice was obvious, and Bella hunched down in her chair, a posture I had seen from her very often when I had first met her. "You know if you want to talk about something, I will listen," Alice assured her.

Alice and I watched as Bella clearly debated with herself. She fidgeted, shifting her weight on the chair, and crossing and re-crossing her ankles. For the millionth time I cursed my inability to hear her thoughts and I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration.

Finally, after what seemed an interminable amount of time but was probably under a minute, she finally answered. "I don't think I want to discuss it, Alice. But I will let you know if I change my mind."

Alice's thoughts ran in different directions, one part debating the wisdom of trying to pull the information from Bella, the other part thinking that baby steps were the right way to go. Visions of possible futures ran through her head, and she was frustrated that most of the ones involving Bella were so blurry.

So with no clear outcome to help her, Alice chose to err on the side of caution. "I understand, Bella. But please know that if you do want or need to talk, or need anything at all, I am here for you. OK?" Alice reached across and took her hand.

"OK, thanks Alice," Bella answered quietly.

An awkward silence descended, which was suddenly interrupted as Alice's eyes glazed over as a vision ran through her mind. I watched the vision play-out; I saw four vampires running through the outskirts of what looked to be Port Angeles. It was nighttime, and the town's waterfront lights could be seen on the horizon. They were running fast, sticking to the edge of the forest. One of them looked behind him, as if he was checking on pursuit, and they sped up and their strides lengthened. Suddenly, they emerged from the forest and ran straight into the water, quickly vanishing in the surf.

The vision ended, and Alice's attention focused back on Bella, who was looking at her with wide-eyes. "I forgot how weird that is," Bella mumbled. Then she asked, "Alice, what did you see?"

For a moment Alice debated telling her a lie, that it was nothing to worry about. She would have done this last year, she thought. But now, with their newfound trust still on very shaky ground, Alice resolved to tell Bella the truth. I tightened my fist at this decision, not wanting Bella to worry; but I knew that I had to put this kind of thinking behind me if I wanted a chance with Bella.

Alice took a deep breath, and then relayed her vision. "I saw four unknown vampires - all males - running quickly through a forest, at night. It looked like they were near the waterfront in Port Angeles, the lights looked familiar. They might have been running away from something, but they disappeared into the water and the vision went blank."

Bella looked away, chewing her lip as she considered Alice's words. "Do you know when the vision takes place?" she finally asked. This was a good question, and I had wondered the same thing.

Alice grimaced. "I can't tell exactly, but I generally can get a sense of how far-off in time a vision is. I think this will happen sometime in the next few nights. The angle wasn't right so I couldn't see the moon or anything that would give me a hint as to the timeframe. But I am pretty sure it's going to happen soon."

Alice looked away thoughtfully, nails drumming on the table. "To be prepared, I think I will talk to Jasper and Emmett about patrolling a little further out for the next couple of days, and to maybe take a few wolves with them. I don't want anyone being outnumbered."

Bella nodded, looking thankful that Alice was not editing and including her in the discussion. "Is everything going OK with the Wolves?" Bella asked.

Alice nodded her head. "So far, there have been no problems, except for the blank-spots in my vision. But I am learning to think around those; if I see a blank spot, I know now to look further ahead, in time, so see if I can get any insight after the Wolves have left the area. It's tricky, but I am starting to get a handle on it."

"I am glad it's working out. The Wolves really don't like you very much," Bella admitted, looking uncomfortable.

"I know, and the feeling is mutual. We are natural enemies, after all. But," Alice added, with cheer in her voice, "we all want to keep our favorite human safe, so it's worth putting up with their stink!"

Bella laughed, nodding her head. "Thanks for telling me the truth, Alice."

"You're welcome, Bella. And please, don't worry. We will get her." Alice scanned through visions of the future, looking for anything that looked like it could be a danger to Bella. Everything was still blurry.

A silent minute passed, until Bella finally forced a smile, which didn't fully reach her eyes. She was worried about something, and I wasn't surprised. Bella was always worrying about something or someone. It was one of the things I loved most about her; but I sometimes wished she worried more about herself.

Bella cleared her throat, getting Alice's attention again. "Alice? Um, I have somewhere I need to go," she blurted out, dropping her eyes. "But really, thank you for coming. It's been really good to see you." It was an abrupt and obvious dismissal, and Alice and I were very surprised by it.

Caught off-guard - an unusual situation for Alice - she blurted, "You want me to go? Do you have plans, Bella?" Alice again wondered what that mysterious call on her cell phone was about.

"Well, I do, yes. I promised Quill... oh, he's one of my friend's from La Push," she said at Alice's raised eyebrow," ...that I would babysit Claire with him today," Bella replied, blushing again.

Bella was babysitting? Despite the smile I was sporting, I was very surprised by this revelation, and apparently so was Alice. "Babysitting? Really? When did you start?" Alice squealed, the excitement at hearing about this lifting her spirits again.

Bella stood-up from the table, a wide smile on her face, as she turned towards the exit of the kitchen. She looked pleased at Alice's enthusiasm. "For about a month now," she replied. "See, Quil - he's, umm, he's one of the Werewolves, and is...umm...shit, how do I say it...um, he's connected to Claire, I guess?" she stuttered, frowning as if trying to find the right words to explain a difficult puzzle.

She shook her head, and continued, ignoring Alice's questioning look. "Claire's mother won't let Quil babysit alone, as he is really clueless when it comes to babies. So I offered to help," she added, a small smile on her face. "You know, in thanks for everything they've done for me." Bella finished shyly, her blush flaming her cheeks and her voice trailing off at the end.

Despite only understanding about half of what Bella just said, I fumed at this news. Apparently, Bella was, as I feared, very closely involved with the Wolves_. 'Of course she was_!' my conscience screamed at me. Trust Bella to befriend the first monsters she could when the vampires leave town! Young Werewolves were notoriously unstable, and very, very dangerous. I vividly remembered meeting the pack when we came to Forks in the 1930's, and seeing the memory of scarred faces and torn bodies in the Wolve's memories, all as a result of careless accidents and unstable tempers. I knew that Wolves couldn't always keep their shapes, and would often explode into their wolf-form at the slightest provocation. And if an innocent person was standing too close, they would usually end-up maimed or dead.

To further infuriate me, I also did not understand Bella's reference to this Quil being 'connected' to the little girl who Bella was babysitting. What the hell did that mean? There were too many mysteries here.

The same confusing thoughts ran through Alice's head, and she too felt real trepidation at the thought of Bella's visiting the Reservation - a place where we could not see her in Alice's visions, or get to her if she needed us in an emergency.

"What do you mean their 'connected', Bella?" Alice asked pointedly, her earlier reticence waning quickly. She wanted to warn Bella against going to La Push, but she anticipated that Bella would not respond kindly to such advice. Knowing how stubborn and reckless Bella was, I tended to agree. I ground my teeth in frustration.

Bella's eyes hardened, and she shook her beautiful head. "I can't explain it. You need to ask Sam or one of the Wolves about it. It's a pack thing, that's all I can say," Bella answered, her jaw firming up. Clearly, she was willing to keep their secrets. I wondered if she had kept ours as closely guarded as she kept theirs?

I berated myself for my petty jealousy, knowing that I really had no right to question what Bella did or not do with the Wolves. I had abandoned her, and they were the only ones who could protect her from Victoria. Quite simply, they were there, and I wasn't. Now I was paying the price for my actions.

Alice didn't like Bella's answer, but didn't pursue it as Bella was clearly showing her out. So she stood up from the table, and followed Bella to the door. But Alice couldn't help herself, despite knowing she was on thin ice, and issued a warning to her." Bella, please be careful when you are there. I know the Wolves are your friends, and I know you trust them. But please, just be careful," she ended, imploring her with her expression.

For a moment both Alice and I thought an angry rebuke was coming. Bella's eyes grew hard again, but then they grew calm, and she waved her hand dismissively. "Sure sure, no problem Alice." And that was all we were going to get, as the subject was clearly closed.

With a sigh, Alice nodded. "Ok, Bella, I will talk to you soon," Alice said, somewhat forlornly. She was thrilled to have Bella back in her life, but there were still questions that Alice didn't get answers to. She turned to go, but before she stepped out, Bella surprised her.

"Alice? Can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure, Bella," Alice replied, happy to be asked. "What do you need?"

Bella grinned at her, the same, mature, sexy grin I had seen on her yesterday. "Well, I could use your help getting ready for tonight. Let's say, at seven o'clock," she said, a twinkle in her eye.

"Ready for what?" Alice questioned, confused at Bella's game, and not used to her being so teasing.

Bella's smile grew wide. "Tonight, I am going to a party."

* * *

**A/N - Edward/Bella and the party next. Then the pace will pick up dramatically as we enter the second story arc. Sorry if this chapter was a bit slow, but it was transitional and I needed to wrap-up the Alice/Bella re-bond. It will be very important later. **

**I am not sure what the proper (or best) protocol for addressing reviews and/or PM's are, so I will try and answer some here.**

_**CullenLvredBell, psychovampirefreak, Vampswols4l, KCClaughs, ded1, partypoppergirl, yuiop, EMGJ, natashar, racerxfangirl, Kimme16, nicole. , NicoleTijuana, **__**and **__**Hallowed Nancy -**__** Thanks for the feedback!**_

_**Yeddi **__**- I agree. He should have changed her. He was a fool, and he will pay for his foolishness. I always hated that Bella forgave him so easily - she could have taken a page out of Rose's book and got a better compromise from him! he was willing to beg after all ...**_

_**PsychoNancy66 **__**- Thanks for the thought. Yes, I do try and pay close attention to dialogue, and try not to overuse the verb replacements like 'questioned inquired pondered responded debated intoned clarified replied answered etc'; imho these replacement verbs are too often used instead of the simple verbs 'said' or 'asked.' I generally was taught that the sentence itself should try and make clear what the dialogue speaker is trying to convey, though I often need to fallback on this type of verb usage. Read a great article (replace the HHHH with http ) /2013/04/07/verbs-for-carrying-dialogue-said-versu s-the-rest/**_

_**TrevvorTrinJ -**__** yes there will be some action, though this story is essentially a 'coming to terms' story about the journey that E and B have taken and have to take in order to see if a future is possible for them. There are 3 story arcs, and the first one is nearing its end. the second one will not have as much 'backward looking' dialogue and will see the characters dealing with the fallout from Edwards choice and the repercussions of the first story arc, which we havent gotten to yet.**_

_**SpyderLady745 -**__** I honestly dont know how the story will end; I have 2 endings in mind, and might decide to do one as the 'ending' and the other as an 'alternative' ending. Dont want to say too much more about that right now, but this is unusual for me. Generally, when I write, I know the beginning and the end of the story; the rest of it is the journey from point A to point B, and I try to not plot it out too much. I like my writing to feel spontaneous and fresh (to me and to the reader, hopefully), and when I overplan or overplot I lose interest quickly. **_

_**ViceroyChancellor- **__** You are right! (he asked if I liked Edward or not; he said from reading the story he couldn't tell). I sometimes don't know either! When I read newmoon, I tend to despise him (and parts of Eclipse and the honeymoon in BD) and its only when I read certain fics that redeem Edward in my eyes. He was a terrible boyfriend in many ways. Controlling, always criticizing her choices, threatening to kill himself when she died, putting his own opinions above her own, shutting her down when she talked about things that he didn't want to discuss, physically limiting who she could see, etc. If you read about 'psychological abuse' on-line, as it relates to couples therapy, you will see that those traits all fall under the category of 'spousal abuse.' So, yes, I sometimes cannot stand Edward. Bella was too enabling after book1, and SM wrote them both as a couple with some serious emotional problems.**_


	13. Chapter 13 - Lost and Found

**Chapter 13**

**Lost and Found**

* * *

The morning clouds had given way to a hazy afternoon sunshine that peaked through the forest canopy, leaving shadows across the thin road that wound westwards towards La Push. I watched from the forest's edge, an invisible wraith, as Bella's truck rumbled away until it vanished over the invisible borderline that marked the beginning of the reservation.

I was almost desperate in my eagerness to spend time with Bella, but I had heard her conversation about her babysitting responsibilities. Had it not been for the fact that she was going to La Push - where I could not follow - I would have been thrilled with the news. The thought of Bella caring for a baby was an image that warmed whatever tattered remnants of my soul remained.

Alice had shared my misgivings about Bella's trip to La Push, but she was too distracted with the news about the party tonight to give Bella much of an argument. I had listened as Bella told Alice about the big graduation party tonight at Lee Steven's house - a party that she happily asked Alice to accompany her to. Alice was thrilled of course, as she had never been invited to a human party before; and she couldn't wait for her Bella Barbie time.

My initial reaction to the news of the party was frustration, and even a touch of jealousy. I wanted to be the one taking Bella to a party; unfortunately, I wasn't sure if I would be welcome or not. Either way, though, I knew I wouldn't be far. I would watch over Bella, making sure nothing threatened her through the night.

My family and the Wolves were on high alert after I had spread the news about Alice's earlier vision. Jasper, Carlisle, and Emmett had gone on foot to Seattle, trying to get a track on Victoria and her newborns. They were being extremely cautious; Victoria's numbers were unknown, and they did not want to walk into a situation that they were badly outnumbered, despite Emmett's loud boasting and eagerness for a fight. I knew though, that even with the risk of being badly outnumbered, Jasper's skill and knowledge of newborns would be a decisive factor in evening the odds. In a straight fight, he could probably take on two or three newborns himself, without even using his gift. And, when he did use his gift -supplemented by the many tricks and deceptions he had learned over the decades - he could probably face down half a dozen newborns.

After Alice had left Bella's house, I had spoken with Carlisle and Jasper by phone. We decided that I would trail Bella to the reservation, keeping watch until she hit the treaty line. A quick call to Sam alerted him of her pending arrival, and when she crossed the border she would be under the protection of the Wolves.

Even though I knew the Wolves were competent fighters, Bella's journey to the Reservation made me very uneasy for several reasons. Now that we had confirmation that the danger was close - a reasonably quick vampire could make the forty mile run from Port Angelas, where Alice had seen them in her vision, in as little as fifteen or twenty minutes - it would only take a brief second of inattention for a newborn to get to Bella and snap her neck or tear out her throat. So even though the Wolves and my family were all being extremely vigilant, I was very worried. I feared the possibility of someone sneaking by us, and getting to her before we could react.

Jasper had warned us about Victoria using possible diversionary tactics, and that the vampires near Port Angelas could be used as such. He also was very concerned about the myriad entry points that any enemy vampire force could use to either attack us, or get at Bella. To help counter this threat, he had spent considerable time with the Alpha of the La Push pack, pouring over topographical maps to study routes of ingress into Forks.

Out of the many different ways that a vampire force could approach, the biggest worry was the enormous coastline area. The Wolves could not patrol it all, and that essentially meant the newborns could sneak ashore at a chosen point and come at Forks from almost any direction. This led to a long night of heated discussion, until it was decided that our defensive strategy was basically to build a circular perimeter around the town and the reservation, and hope that Alice's gift and our carefully prepared blood traps would be enough to give us warning of any impending attack.

Despite the logic behind this defense, and the overlapping lines of coverage that this plan afforded, it wasn't enough to satisfy me. My own plan was simple: under no circumstances let Bella go anywhere alone, without either myself, one of my family, or one of the Wolves watching her. Jasper understood my anxiety and my need to stay near Bella; and thus he didn't ask me to run any patrol routes with the family. He knew that, if the roles were reversed and _his _mate was the target, he would never let Alice out of his sight.

Surprisingly, Jacob Black had similar anxiety and worries about Bella, and had it not been for a direct order from his Alpha, he too would not have left Bella's side. He controlled his thoughts well when he was around me, but I could detect a deep love for Bella in his mind. The thought of him with Bella made me shake with anger, but I could not detect anything in his thoughts that told me if the love and lust he felt was reciprocated by her. The uncertainty of not knowing the status of their relationship caused violent surges of hate and anger to race through me.

To help alleviate the gaps in our patrol lines, Jasper had come up with a unique method of defense. He had directed the placing of many elaborate blood lures, spaced at strategic points. The fifty or so carefully constructed containers - they would let the scent of the blood into the air, but were covered from spillage or rainfall - had to be replenished every few days. Carlisle was able to obtain the bagged blood for us, and despite the considerable work required to keep them fresh, Jasper insisted they would make our defensive lines more manageable.

Each lure was placed off the ground, in small, covered containers. They were generally set at fixed intervals, high enough off the forest floor that a wandering animal wouldn't upset them, but low enough that a newborn vampire would still be able to easily catch the scent. Each trap had a small transmitter that would send a homing signal if it was disturbed. The signals were slaved to a receiver station that Jasper had set up in our family's home. Esme was tasked with monitoring the receiving station, though Jasper had it rigged to alert his cell phone if any of the signals was tripped.

The theory behind the elaborate system was that if a newborn vampire got close to one of the lures - maybe as much as a quarter-mile away - they would smell the blood in the trap, and they would be distracted. They would sniff-out the blood, and while climbing the tree to retrieve it, they would trigger the beacon signal. And, if it worked as planned, then we would know that our lines had been breached, and exactly where the breach occurred.

Using this technique, Jasper estimated that we could almost double our normal patrol lanes and not be too concerned about a newborn slipping through undetected; but he did warn us that it might not work on a more mature vampire that could control it's blood-lust.

Jasper had used similar tricks during his time with Maria, and though they didn't have homing receivers back then, they used dried leaves or twigs as sound markers. The blood traps were effective at either alerting them to an enemy newborn passing through their lines, or at the very least divert an enemy that was closing in on them. The biggest problem back then, he said, had been keeping their own soldiers away from the traps.

We didn't have that problem, and we all were hopeful that the traps would work.

* * *

As Bella's truck vanished down the road, deep into the Reservation, I turned back towards her house, running at full speed through the forest. I was eager to see if I could make any sense about what she was hiding from us.

I arrived back at her home a few minutes later, and after checking the street for passerby, let myself into her house using the spare key. It was in the same place it had always been, nestled under the overhanging eave.

I felt guilty at this invasion of her privacy. I used to come uninvited to her house when we had first met, but I rationalized it to myself then, as I didn't know her well and wanted to solve the mystery that was Bella. Now, though, I felt like a criminal returning to the scene of a crime. I knew, without a doubt, that my presence here would be a violation of her trust. Unfortunately, I didn't see a clear way around it. I was very worried about her, and I needed to know what I was dealing with; hopefully a little detective work would help shed some light.

I was resolved in my thoughts: if I could not find anything to help me here, then very late tonight I would break into Forks hospital, for a check of Bella's medical records check. And if that yielded nothing, then tomorrow night I would break-in to the Forks police station.

As I made my way through the silent house, I took a deep breath, inhaling her luscious scent into my lungs. The burn was a welcome companion now; it caused a stirring in my chest, almost like a phantom heartbeat. Smiling while inhaling deeply of her ambrosial essence, I made my way quickly to her room, letting myself into my old sanctuary.

I was immediately assailed with the scents of our recent intimate encounter, making my senses reel with delight. My own scent lingered especially strongly near the bed, and was mixed with her own musky odor. I had to fight down the lusty thoughts that yesterday's encounter and her delectable smell stirred in me.

I looked around her room more purposefully than yesterday, my vampire eyes taking in every detail. Again I noticed the lack of personal things in the room; it was like the Bella who lived her before had vacated and a newer version of Bella, who kept no personal effects, was now in residence.

Again I felt a pang of guilt, as I suspected that the cause of the change was my abandonment of her.

I started my inspection with her closet, and opened the louvered doors, swinging them back. I took a long look at the meager rack of clothing, which was only half-full. There was definitely fewer clothes here than there were last year when we left; Alice had done so much shopping with Bella that her closet was stuffed to overflowing, and she had started storing clothes at my house.

As my eyes ran over the twenty or so outfits, I noticed that there were several new items that made me pause. They were of a much racier nature than Bella used to wear, or would ever be caught even trying on. In fact, many of the outfits were so skimpy or daring that I would consider them almost scandalous, if I had not gotten used to seeing similar ones on Rosalie over the years.

As my eyes trailed over the closet walls, I immediately noticed that her blue prom dress was missing. It used to hang in a black garment bag on a hook on the wall nearest the window. That hook was now occupied by a short leather mini-skirt, draped over a wooden hangar. Something clicked in my head then, and I scanned the clothing again. I sadly realized that there was not a single blue outfit in her entire wardrobe.

I knew without a doubt that this was a very direct result of my leaving: I always told her I liked her in blue. It was like the old Bella had exorcised everything that had reminded her of me.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, my sorrowful mood increasing as I also realized something else: every outfit that Alice had bought her- and there had been a lot- was gone. Not a single garment remained from the numerous shopping sprees that Bella had taken with my sister last year.

I stumbled back, folding myself onto the floor as grief and sadness washed through me. I was getting to see firsthand the damage I had done to Bella. Apparently, I had so thoroughly and deeply wounded her, that even her clothing choices were affected.

If vampires could get sick, I would have been vomiting right then. Was there anything about Bella I hadn't damaged?

With sorrow and deep regret, I was turning away from her wardrobe when I spotted a black garbage bag stuffed into the deepest back-corner of the closet. Leaning down, I opened it curiously, and then pulled my hand away as if I had received an electric shock from touching it.

In the bag was the car stereo that Emmett and Rosalie had installed in her truck for her birthday. Black smudges were splattered over the edges and corners, and I realized with horror that the stains were dried blood - I could smell it's extremely faint but telltale fragrance. Looking closer, I could also see dried, bloody fingerprints and the remains of what looked like pieces of fingernails, sticking to the side of the front panel. Wires hung loosely from the chassis, stripped and frayed, like they had been wrenched from their posts. These too has traces of her dried blood on them.

I wanted to sob when I saw this and understood it's implications: Bella was so frantic to rid herself of any reminder of my family that she had spilled her precious blood tearing-out the stereo with her bare hands.

I shook with silent sobs, crying for Bella's pain, and for my own worthless existence. I was a monster; I always knew it, and I proved it to myself in everything I had done to Bella since that fateful birthday party last September.

And though I knew I didn't deserve her, I pitied her for having fallen in love with a demon like me.

And even worse: I feared for her soul, because I knew that I could never let her go.

I cried for some indeterminate amount of time, curled in a miserable huddle on her floor. It could have been minutes, or hours. I did not know. My guilt was sharp, cutting me again and again, like a serrated blade. If I concentrated on it enough, I imagined I could feel the cuts slicing through my undead flesh.

Finally calming enough to function, I stood-up with a sigh and closed the bag. I set about arranging it so it looked as it did when I entered. As I moved the bag back into place, I saw something sticking out from under the back edge. Carefully lifting the black bag away, I blinked in surprise when I saw what was there on the floor. There, tucked underneath the garbage bag, were the tickets and pictures I had returned to Bella's nightstand yesterday. They were the very ones I had returned to her after taking them from their space under her floorboards. And now, I looked at them, dumbfounded that I had found them tucked away in the corner of her closet under a garbage bag.

Confusion and sadness hit me then, and I took two steps backwards until I half-stumbled onto her rocking chair. I sat there in a daze, not understanding her actions. Did those gifts mean so little to her? Was her disposal of them indicative of a rejection of me?

I tried to understand why she would throw these things out. They had been precious to her once. I remembered her holding them, a beautiful smile on her face as she traced the picture of she and I and placed them in her scrapbook so lovingly.

As I pondered her actions, I thought about what I would have done in her place. I could understand why she might - if she was disgusted with me as it appeared she was - dispose of my pictures. But why would she throw away the tickets from Esme and Carlisle?

A possible answer came to me then, and I could not hold back another sob as more pain lanced through me. Perhaps she thought that when I had so callously taken her gifts away from her, I had essentially given her the message that they were not really hers. That they were mine all along, to give and take at my whim. And in doing that, I made clear that they were not, in fact, gifts.

I could understand the anger my actions might have engendered in Bella; I had treated her in a patronizing and selfish manner; it was no wonder that she didn't want gifts that might be taken away at any time.

My foolishness had no bounds, it seemed. My thoughtless actions - both in taking the gifts from her, and then so offhandedly returning them - were cruel and demeaning to Bella. I had acted almost like a parent returning a gift to a child after taking it away for bad behavior. I had no right to take them in the first place, and I was completely insensitive in the way I so arbitrarily returned them.

Would I ever learn from my mistakes?

I replaced everything back the way it was, my hands shaking as I placed the tickets and pictures back under the black garbage bag. I put my hand on the door, preparing to close it. I was unwilling to look any more. I had found nothing but pain and regret in this closet.

As I turned away, my eyes sighted a thick binder sitting on the top shelf, a wooden shoetree holding it's overflowing pages closed.

Curious again, I lifted the bundle down. Perhaps it was Bella's schoolwork, maybe a stack of her old essays? The binder looked too fancy to store old essays in, and I took it down with a strange eagerness.

When I lifted away the shoetree, I looked down at the cursive script on the cover. It was Bella's handwriting, but written carefully- as if she wanted her letters to have a fancy look to them.

I stared at the words, my brain not comprehending their meaning at first. And then as understanding dawned, wonder and horror and guilt and sadness crashed down on me like a wave. My knees felt weak, and I sat with shaking hands down on the floor, the papers held tight to my chest.

_"To My Edward : _

_As our first Christmas is approaching in a few months, I wanted to give you something special. Something you said you always wanted. So, I have tried to do that for you with this gift. _

_Here, I present to you my thoughts. _

_I know you always want to know what I am thinking. So, for our first Christmas together, I have, in these pages, written our story, from my point-of-view. These are my thoughts, Edward, taken from my recollections and my journals (I've kept them very well hidden from you!). They are unedited, and true. I hope you enjoy them, and I hope that you don't think me too crazy when you get inside my head._

_I Love You Forever_

_Bella_

I sat unmoving, except for the deep breaths I took in an effort to calm myself. Finally, with great trepidation and shaky hands, I opened the cover, and looked at the date of the first entry. January 19, 2004. It was titled : _My first Day in Forks_.

I closed my eyes, and leaned heavily against the rocking chair behind me. I thought about the enormity of her gift: Bella had been preparing my Christmas gift for me months in advance, journaling her thoughts for me into words.

I was stunned; it was a priceless gift, more valuable than anything I owned.

In my mind, I fantasized how it might have been: Bella and I, gathered with my family around our Christmas tree, exchanging gifts, and reveling in our love. I could picture the joy and wonder on my own face as she presented this treasure to me, and how I would cherish her words and thoughts, committing them to my perfect memory, savoring them as my own personal bible.

My eyes stung as they filled with venom, and I wished for the release of tears. I had messed-up everything so badly, and didn't know how to fix it.

Oh Bella, please let me fix it. I cried to myself for many minutes, great sobs that racked through my shaking frame.

I eventually stood, my grief threatening to drown me. I carefully placed the binder back on the shelf, vowing that I would only read her words if they were given to me of her own volition; and then I laid back down in a ball on Bella's floor, and sobbed again for the enormity of my loss.

A short time later, I decided I had to leave. I could not prowl through her personal space any more. I would get my answers some other way. This was too much a betrayal. There was too much pain here.

As I walked to her bedroom door, the box on her nightstand caught my attention again. The lid was firmly back in place, and the box had been moved slightly out of position. My hand reached out, tentatively, but pulled back. I couldn't look. Too much pain.

I was out of her house, running home, a few seconds later.

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**A/N - Haven't gotten much feedback on last 2 chapters.** **Anyone still out there?**


	14. Chapter 14 - Friendly Chats

**A/N - Thanks for the kind words from everyone!**

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Chapter 14 - Friendly Chats

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The soothing sounds of Debussy washed over me as I sat in my room thinking about the events of the past two days. I was saddened at the things I had discovered; but, despite my somber mood and feelings of shame, I fought down the urge to flee and forced myself to carefully consider my situation.

Alice had finally returned home from dress shopping at some trendy boutique. She had driven-off in a mad dash hours before, claiming she had nothing to wear for the party tonight. Despite having the largest wardrobe in the house - and it probably rivaled some department stores - she stated that buying a new outfit for a party was just 'mandatory.' Esme and Rosalie appeared to agree, so I assumed it was something that only a female could understand.

I heard her thoughts as she flitted about her room, singing happily to herself. Apparently, she had picked-out a new outfit for me as well. She seemed confident that I would 'crash' the party at some point tonight, and wanted me to look 'ravishing.' I saw the hazy vision in her head, my future-self dressed in a dark blue button down shirt, striding into a house filled with a swarming press of writhing teenagers.

Shaking my head in fond exasperation at Alice's antics, I focused again on my own musings. The revelations of the afternoon still weighed heavily on me, and I wanted to get lost in my own thoughts for a while.

In my mind, I reran the reel of my entire relationship with Bella, starting from our time in the meadow when I declared myself to her.

As I watched the events of our relationship unfold through my perfect vampiric memory, I was forced to ask myself some very hard questions. As I watched our final encounter play-out – that dreadful day in the forest where I betrayed our love – I asked myself how my treatment of and actions toward Bella might be seen by an outside observer.

With slowly dawning awareness, I realized that in many ways I had acted oppressively, denying her choices and often behaving in a patronizing manner. This was ironic, really, as I had fallen in love with her maturity and her independence. I always loved her caring and selfless nature, and her ability to give to others.

And yet, so many of my actions towards her negated those very qualities I valued most highly. In so many ways, my actions could be viewed as almost parental in nature. I had, in effect, ignored her maturity, and her ability to make choices for herself. I had smothered her and patronized her, and used my vampiric charms to 'dazzle' her into my way of thinking and doing the things I wanted her to do.

I had, I realized, treated her as a fragile china doll that needed to be coddled, and kept, and told what to do. Much like husbands had treated their wives a hundred years ago, or as a modern father might treat a beloved but slightly wayward young daughter.

I certainly had not treated her as an equal, or as the competent, adult woman that she was.

In retrospect, I could see that many of our everyday interactions smacked of a parent/child relationship. I clearly remembered, on many occasions, gently remonstrating her about things like being sure that she had her jacket with her, or eating all her breakfast, or making sure she went to sleep when I thought she should. The way I said these things to her spoke of my assumed authority in a parental or guardianship type of relationship – not the relationship one would have with an equal partner.

As my epiphany rolled over me, I now had clarity about so many things. It was no wonder she believed my lies so easily in the forest! I had treated her so poorly, in so many ways. A few chaste kisses, some hand holding, and a lot of romantic and flowery phrases from me did not excuse my atrocious behavior. If I was going to behave like such a chauvinist and try and dictate her life to her, I knew I would have no chance of rekindling our relationship.

I thought then about how the mated couples in my family treated each other. They would often suggest things to one another, or ask for their opinions or remind them of things they might have forgotten to do. But rarely did they show stubborn disapproval if their mate did not accede to their suggestions. And, with the exception of some of Emmett's baser pranks, they always treated their mates with respect, listening to their concerns and having meaningful discussions about their choices with them.

Their actions spoke of equality.

With mounting shame, I knew now that my interactions with Bella were different than those my family members had with their own mates. I often spoke down to Bella, criticizing her – albeit in a gentle fashion – for her choices or for her inattention to things I deemed important.

With the strength of my epiphany still running through my mind, I knew I had to change my ways if I wanted a chance with her again. I knew that these patterns of behavior were deeply ingrained in my personality, and change would be difficult - change was always difficult for vampires.

I decided that I would consult with Carlisle, and perhaps Esme, about my apparent difficulties in treating Bella as my equal, and perhaps they could offer me advice. They had both successfully changed over time, and had evolved into a thoroughly modern, loving couple.

* * *

I sat for many minutes pondering these revelations, until I overheard Jasper talking with someone on the phone about patrol strategies. I focused in on the conversation, plucking from his mind that he was speaking with Sam Uley, Alpha of the La Push Pack.

Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle had returned empty-handed from their hunting trip in Seattle. We had held a brief strategy meeting about forty minutes ago, but there was nothing of any major significance to report.

They had easily found the scent trails of four different newborns in the city, concentrated mainly near the docks. My brothers and Carlisle were forced to maintain a very low profile, as the residents of Seattle were very skittish about the recent killings - the official death count in the city was now past thirty, though many more were probably dead but simply unreported - and the police were out in force.

The poor and the homeless were often the preferred victims of vampires, as they were very rarely reported as missing. I recalled hearing a story that, sometime during the 1930's in New Orleans, nearly the entire homeless population of the city seemed to vanish in a few short weeks. The Governor and Mayor had claimed credit, stating that their implementation of Roosevelt's New Deal plans were working wonders for the city. The truth, however, was more sinister: several small covens had moved-in, and had drained almost every homeless person in the city during a two month turf war and subsequent feeding binge.

With regard to the lack of clear trails to follow in Seattle, Jasper quietly admitted that Victoria had covered her tracks expertly. Almost every scent trail would end-up at the edges of Puget Sound, and there was no way to track them through the water. The newborns could emerge from the water anywhere along a thousand mile stretch of rivers, bays, inlets, and ocean. Tracking them to their lair – wherever it might be located - was simply not feasible yet.

During their search, they did find the burned remains of several vampires. Presumably, there had been a scuffle – not an uncommon occurrence among newborns - and the remains had been burned to ash. The traces were at least two-days old, and well-hidden from human eyes.

On a different and more worrying note than the absence of the newborns, was the total and complete absence of the Volturi.

Jasper kept insisting that they should have already come to clean out the newborns in Seattle – avoiding public exposure and protecting the secret was their primary task, after all – and he could not understand why they had not yet intervened. There had been extensive national and even some international press coverage, and the Volturi had been known to respond to incidents smaller than this, and that had much less blatant disregard of the rules.

The Seattle authorities were speculating about rival drug gangs, or perhaps coordinated terrorist attacks, and the Governor was considering asking for mobilization of the National Guard. As the body count rose, Jasper became more and more fearful about a Volturi force being sent here. He spent considerable time talking with Carlisle about the Volturi' s absence, and had even phoned Eleazar – our cousin from Denali who had once been a Volturi Guard - to discuss it.

Neither Carlisle nor Eleazar could understand why the Volturi had not intervened yet.

I was listening to the phone conversation between Jasper and Sam, when suddenly a loud, sustained howl echoed faintly through the forest. I recognized this as our agreed-upon signal with the Wolves: an enemy vampire had entered our perimeter.

I immediately dashed from the house and ran flat-out towards the source of the sound, which was far-off in the distance, maybe fifteen miles away. I could hear my brothers racing behind me, Jasper shouting orders to Sam through the phone as he ran.

We had made an agreement with the Wolves that any sightings should be handled by whoever was closest to the intruder. Boundary lines – normally fixed and absolute – would be considered flexible during an active pursuit, though we promised not to cross the La Push border unless it was absolutely necessary. We also agreed that efforts should be made to alert both sides to any enemy incursions, so that both camps would take part in any chase. Hence the Wolf howl.

No one objected to joint-effort pursuits except for Alice, who claimed that the Wolves would interfere with her visions, making it difficult to predict where the intruder would run to. But for purposes of trust and teamwork, she was overruled.

As I sprinted through the forest, hitting my stride and increasing my speed to my maximum pace, I left my brothers far behind. The howls were coming from up-ahead, heading northwest and angling away from Forks, but still a few miles ahead of me.

As I steadily closed the distance, I began to pick up traces of thoughts from the pursuing Wolf's mind – Jared – and also got brief glimpses into the thoughts of the vampire he was chasing. The Wolf was slightly faster, at least where there were trails to follow, or the way was relatively clear; but in more uneven terrain he had trouble keeping-up with the vampire.

To further confound the Wolf's pursuit, the vampire took to the trees, running fleetly along the higher branches and using his momentum to fling himself from treetop to treetop. He was moving very quickly, and had clearly done this before. It took skill and practice to move fast through the treetops above the canopy roof, as judging how much force a tree-limb could take and finding the proper footing when jumping hundreds of feet at high speed was very difficult to master.

The Wolf - it was one of the older ones, a boy named Jared - was now falling behind, as the vampire kept changing direction, jumping almost soundlessly through the tops of the tallest trees. Jared had to almost continuously look upwards, as the vampire was far-enough up in the trees that his scent trail was difficult to follow from the ground. Jared had to spot him visually, a difficult endeavor in the thick forest when running at over one hundred miles-per-hour while trying to look upwards.

As I took to the treetops myself, I quickly overtook Jared, running far below us. He was frustrated and trying to find a clear path to get-up enough speed to jump across a deep, wide ravine that the vampire had just crossed and that now impeded the Wolf's pursuit.

Through Jared's mind, I could hear the thoughts of the other Wolves. Some were far behind, following the chase, but I heard Sam bark an order to keep most of the pack in position around Forks, and not to be drawn-off to chase a lone vampire. I was impressed by the Alpha: Sam was intelligent enough to keep the rest of the pack on their normal patrol routes in case this was an attempted diversion.

_'Damn leech, where did he go? Jared! You got him?' _This came from the mind of Collin, one of the younger Wolves who I had not yet met. He was angling in from the southwest, about three miles behind us.

_'No, he's up in the fucking treetops! I can't see him well and he's still moving fast. I think he's angling towards the ocean. Go try and get ahead of him. Go the beach and be ready to cut him off!'_

Collin was still young and undisciplined, and he was distracted by the thrill of the hunt; and he did not want to miss out on the chance of catching the vampire if he didn't turn westward. _'No fuckin way I am leaving you here alone!' _He shouted in his mind.

_'The Cullen's are here, you putz! Coppertop is right behind me, so get to the fucking beach!'_ Jared commanded. I heard the grumbling mind of Colin retreat as he turned due west and headed towards the beach to cut-off a possible escape into the water.

I was rapidly closing in on the vampire, flinging myself through the treetops and using the long, sturdy branches of the tallest trees as springboards. My quarry was quick, but I was faster. Off the ground, my normal speed advantage was negated somewhat, and the sheer strength of my nemesis' leaps identified him as a probable newborn. I was able to catch brief glimpses of him now, dressed in dark jeans and a dark long sleeved shirt. His mind was chaotic, filled only with fear and thoughts of escape. There was no thought about diversions or traps; no cunning motive or purpose. His concentration was almost fully bent on his getting away, though I did catch a few glimpses of other thoughts; him being interrupted during his feed somewhere outside of Port Angeles, and fighting with another newborn. Apparently he had strayed too far from his companions when they swung south of Port Angeles – maybe he smelled one of our blood lures? – and the next thing he knew was that he was being chased by one of the giant wolves they had been warned about.

I continued to close the distance, anxious to get him before we got too close to the ocean where it would be difficult to pursue him. He was now taking a more direct line through the trees, heading almost due west. He was close enough now that the crown of the trees he was using as jump-off points were still swaying even as I landed on them. I followed him directly, choosing the same trees for footing as he was, sailing over the canopy as I launched myself from tree to tree.

I became aware of Jasper closing in behind me, which was not a surprise; he had a lot of experience with treetop running, and except for Alice – her small frame and light weight let her fly over the trees almost like a ballerina - he was the fastest runner in our family for this kind of travel. I knew I couldn't match his speed in the trees, but I still had the advantage in this chase: I knew the thoughts of my opponent, and was going to cut him off the next time he changed direction.

I was close behind him now, maybe five hundred feet back, my shirt whipping with the wind of my speed. I launched myself from a large spruce, angling myself to just brush the very top of the neighboring tree. As my momentum cleared me over the treetop, I rapidly pushed my legs down onto the tree's crown, momentarily squatting and then accelerating my motion outwards like a high-diver jumping from a diving-board.

With this one move I halved the distance to the vampire, and now I was in position to either cut him off or take him down from behind. I leapt smoothly in his wake, my feet barely making contact with tops of the trees as my momentum was such that a strong push from each tree I touched was all I needed.

I suddenly sensed his thoughts becoming more frantic as he realized how close behind him I really was. He was going to try and trick me with a sudden change of direction to the north; I was ready for him.

With his next leap, he used his momentum to grab and swing around the trunk of a tall fir tree, which was very thin at this height. He swung himself around ninety-degrees, changing his direction to the north, as I had heard in his thoughts. Though the top of the tree snapped-off from the force exerted by his sudden swing, his speed was still very great, and he sailed over the canopy towards the top of a two hundred foot tall spruce.

I launched myself at an intersecting angle, and crashed hard into his body in midair, still over one-hundred-eighty feet off the ground. Our impacting bodies sounded like crashing boulders.

Though he was surprised at my sudden move and our resulting collision, he was strong and recovered quickly. He snarled at me, twisting viciously in my grasp as we plummeted down through the tree branches, crashing through and snapping-off the smaller ones and bouncing heavily off the thicker limbs. The sounds of our passing shattered the stillness of the forest, violent snaps and cracking noises that echoed under the dense canopy.

As we fell, we gripped each others necks, desperately wrenching and pulling and trying to gain an advantage. His strength was far in excess of mine and he was able to pull one of my hands free, while lowering his snapping teeth towards my throat.

With a desperate kick, I was able to twist-out of his grip right before we hit the ground. We landed in a heap, our bodies making impact craters in the damp forest floor and sending leaves and mud and rocks flying-up around us in a cloud.

We were both immediately back on our feet, pained by our violent descent but uninjured. Bark, needles and sticky sap hung from our muddied clothes, as we circled each other warily, crouched in attack positions.

My opponent was tensed to spring, when suddenly a fast-moving gray and black mass ploughed into him, sending him flying backwards into the trunk of a tree with tremendous force. Enormous jaws closed over his head before he could recover, jagged teeth crunching through the marble of his skull and holding him in a powerful bite.

The vampire screamed, venom pouring from the wounds in his scalp. I didn't hesitate, and lunged in, tearing at his legs as the Wolf shook his head viciously like a shark, his razor-like teeth shearing through the surface of the vampires skull. A moment later, Jasper arrived, and together we grabbed hold of the limbs off the frantic newborn. Jared held the newborn's head in an iron grip, refusing to release his hold. The screams coming from the injured vampire grew louder and shriller, his arms and legs flailing wildly for purchase; but Jasper and I ignored them as we tore his limbs off.

"Separate the pieces Edward," Jasper ordered firmly, taking charge of the situation. The Wolf growled, but didn't release his grip until Jasper motioned him to obey. All the Wolves had been told by Sam to cooperate with us; and despite their obvious hatred and disdain for my family they had so far proved to be reliable and willing to listen.

They seemed to have a grudging admiration for Jasper, who clearly had the most knowledge about battle tactics and strategy. Despite the protest from a few of the Wolves, he was placed in overall command of our defense, and everyone deferred to him when it came to dealing with the newborns.

In fact, the Wolves had gotten along fairly well with everyone from my family, except for me. I was hated with a passion for the way I had abandoned Bella, and I could see in their minds what they would like to do to me. I had earned several disparaging nicknames, 'Coppertop' being one of the few that wasn't an epithet. I knew their anger with me was justified, so I accepted their name-calling without response.

Jasper asked Jared to relay an update to the rest of the pack, asking them to stay in their positions in case any other newborns were challenging our lines. He also asked him to tell Sam that we planned on questioning the newborn vampire. Despite Carlisle's pacifist tendencies - and probable desire that we could somehow spare them, or convert the Newborns to our peaceful ways - we all recognized that we could not afford any sympathy for our enemy, and we all knew that this newborn was not going to survive the day.

The dismembered vampire's screams had changed from piercing shrieks to muttered gasps and curses, but he was still making a lot of noise and we had to talk loudly to be heard over him. I carried the arms and legs of the twitching vampire a short distance away, and quickly laid them separately under large rocks. If left unburied, the limbs would crawl quickly back to the torso. I had seen it once before, and had no desire to ever see it again. The sight of the detached limbs - moving across the ground like a snake or worm would do, twisting and rolling and trying desperately to make their way back to their host's torso - was something I would as soon forget.

As I buried the arms and legs, I knew that this vampire would never be able to reattach his limbs while we were standing here guarding him. I just did not want the distraction of dealing with crawling limbs.

Jasper set the wounded torso upright, securing it against a tree-trunk so it wouldn't topple over. He bent down on one knee in front of the vampire, ignoring the gaping wounds and copious amounts of dripping, silvery venom that was pooling underneath the newborn.

The newborn was average looking, completely unremarkable. He had dark, short hair that was cut almost in crew style, and his ears and throat were heavily marked with crescent-shaped bite scars. He had not been clean-shaven when he was turned, and apparently did not care enough to trim his stubble away, which heavily coated his chin and upper lip. His eyes were almost completely black, which was not surprising considering the massive venom loss he had sustained.

But his eyes were steady, and burned with hatred and fear as he defiantly stared back at us.

Jasper put his hand on the vampire's shoulder, and used his gift to send a large dose of calm into him. The newborn immediately quieted, but looked at Jasper through slitted eyes; he was aware that Jasper was using a talent on him, and his thoughts, though still fearful despite Jasper's calming influence, revealed that this vampire had been in close company with other talented vampires before.

The possibility of facing down Victoria's newborn army just became more frightening. We could train against the threat of newborn vampires; but what would we do if her army consisted of vampires with offensive talents?

The prospect made me very uneasy.

Jasper looked back at the newborn, his expression open and non-threatening. Pulling-off a warm and happy demeanor was sometimes difficult for Jasper, as his scars screamed 'danger' to any other vampire he met. But he was a skilled questioner, and his thoughts were even and focused.

"Howdy, pardner. I'm Jasper," he said, his Texas accent more pronounced than usual. He waited for a moment, tilting his head to watch the newborn's reaction to his friendly tone.

There was none.

Jasper continued, his tone still warm. "I am going to ask you some questions, and you are going to answer them. I'll know if you are lying, and trust me when I say that you won't like me very much if you do. Understand?" Jasper shot a dose of fear into the vampire, but the newborn still didn't answer or react.

A thought briefly flashed through his mind: he had undergone disciplinary beatings and torture before, and deemed himself strong and able to withstand anything we could dish out. A brief memory of a very angry, blonde-haired vampire standing over him and biting his neck passed through his thoughts.

Jasper waited another moment, and the newborn still did not respond. Jasper's expression turned cold. "OK, lesson number one. You _will_ answer me when I ask you something." Jasper was all business now, the warmth and friendliness sloughing-off his voice, leaving only hard words that rang menacingly with implied threat. "Edward? Fetch-me his arm."

I raced over to the rock that I had buried his right-arm under, and brought-it over to Jasper. The newborn watched us with open hatred now, venom dripping down his chin as he growled at Jasper.

Without hesitation, Jasper took out a lighter, and held it to the stump-end of the arm. The venom immediately ignited, and the arm began to belch purple smoke. The arm twisted savagely in his grip, the hand clenching and un-clenching. The newborn began to scream; loud, pitiful wails that crashed and echoed through the forest.

I had never been dismembered before, and I did not realize that a vampire would feel pain if his detached limbs were injured. I was very surprised by this, and briefly wondered if Carlisle knew.

Or perhaps it was just the sight of the burning limb that had set the vampire off? I wasn't sure.

There was, however, no doubt in my mind that Jasper knew that this was an effective torture, as I watched him hold the sputtering arm in a powerful grip; and I shuddered when I thought about his time with Maria, and the circumstances by which he came to learn of this technique.

The newborn's torso was now rocking unsteadily, guttural screams coming from him as he watched his arm burning less than three feet from his face. "STOP! STOP! What do you want! STOP PLEASE!"

Jasper let the arm burn for another few seconds, before plunging the burning-end deep into the mud and leaves of the wet forest floor. The fire went out with a quenching hiss, purple smoke now mixing with a lighter grey smoke that rose from the smoldering leaves on the muddy ground.

The vampire was gasping, taking huge lungfuls of air with each breath. This was an old human reaction that didn't serve any purpose as the air was unneeded, but human instincts were strong in most vampires, and his mind was clouded with horror and fear and pain.

Any sympathy or compassion I might have felt for his suffering was quickly buried behind the knowledge that this newborn was part of an army that wanted to kill Bella. That was enough for me to ignore his pain, and I would watch him suffer for eternity if it meant keeping her safe.

When the newborn's breathing finally slowed, Jasper handed me the arm. "Now," he said, "we are going to try this again. Do you understand that you will answer everything I ask you, with no lying and no hesitation? If you don't, I am going to roast marshmallows on your burning pyre."

"Yes, yes, I get it," the vampire panted, fear lacing his every word. His thoughts were almost incoherent, frantic images of torture and fear racing through his mind. His reactions were beginning to slow, as the venom loss caught-up with him.

I knew this vampire wasn't going to be coherent for very long, but I trusted that Jasper knew that too, and would get the answers he needed.

"Good," replied Jasper, his tone warm and friendly again. "What's your name?" He suffused the newborn with calm.

"Jonas. My name is Jonas." the newborn answered. His eyes were two black, angry slits, but his mind was still numb with fear.

"Very good," said Jasper. "That wasn't so hard. Tell me Jonas, who is your creator?"

Jonas hesitated for a brief moment, and a growl started deep in Jasper's throat. "Edward, I think we need to show Jonas what else we can burn," Jasper said, pushing fear into Jonas.

His mind immediately started bubbling over, and Jonas was frantic to get his words out. "No, no, wait, I'll tell you! I will! His name is Riley, that's him! Riley!" Clearly, any fear that Jonas might have had of Riley and his disciplinary actions paled in comparison to the terror that Jasper instilled in him.

"Good boy, Jonas. Where is Riley now?" Jasper coaxed him, hitting him again with a calm vibe, interwoven with an urge to trust us.

I had seen Jasper's gift in action before, but his subtle use of it was amazing. It was truly a powerful talent and I marveled at his technique.

Jonas was only too eager to talk now. "He moves around a lot. He goes off to meet someone every other day, and leaves Diego in charge while he's gone. But he always comes back to the cabin after dark, and he will be back to the cabin later today. He told us we were moving to a new cabin, probably tonight or tomorrow."

"Where is the cabin you are staying in now?" asked Jasper, his eyes flickering over to me. '_Edward, see if he is trying to hide anything or mislead us_,' he said to me in his thoughts.

I didn't detect any deception in his mind; he seemed to be answering honestly.

"It's near Riverbend, out near Rattlesnake Mountain."

I immediately pictured the area in my mind: I had been there once, passing through on the way back from an overnight hunt with Emmett. We had spent the night in the unspoiled Snoqualmie National Forest, enjoying the abundance of bears and other large game. Rattlesnake Mountain was east of Seattle, maybe a ten or fifteen minute run to the city.

"He moves us to a new place every week or so," Jonas continued, his voice beginning to grow weak with the massive venom loss he had suffered. "He... he usually picks old abandoned logger cabins or milling stations."

"Does he always choose cabins?" Jasper asked, knowing that Jonas would soon be too weak to respond to any more questions.

"Not always. One time we were in a cave, somewhere near Vancouver. I had just been turned then, and I don't know where we were exactly."

"Why are you here, Jonas? What does Riley want to do?" Jasper shifted on his feet, letting more calm flow into Jonas.

Jonas looked at Jasper and I, standing beside the Wolf, who was still growling low in his chest. He had to suspect that he was not going to survive this encounter, but a small ray of hope kindled in his thoughts that forced his continued cooperation. "He said we had to kill the golden eyed vampires. That they would hunt us down and kill us, that they claimed this whole territory and wanted us dead."

Jasper nodded, not surprised. He had used similar stories to coerce his own newborn armies during his time with Maria. "Do you know a vampire named Victoria? Long red hair?"

Jonas tried to shake his head in the negative, but he didn't have the strength to do it. And then, I caught a brief glimmer in his thoughts, about a brief conversation he overheard between Riley and some unseen stranger, faint through the thick walls of the cabin they were in. "I haven't seen her," he rasped out, "but I think I heard Riley talking to someone named Victoria on a cellphone. He said something about the army, and clothing and scents."

His words didn't make any sense to me, and Jasper too was frowning. "Ok, Jonas, how many are with you?" he asked.

"I don't know, maybe ten in our cabin." Jonas was whispering now, his eyes as black as any vampire's eyes I had ever seen. His strength was almost gone. "But I think he might have more somewhere else. He was always going off for the day, and he was pretty strict about when we could feed and where we had to go. He might have more somewhere else, maybe five or ten more."

Jasper exchanged a long look with me. Twenty possible newborns. This was not good. That many vampires in one-place, would surely bring the attention of the Volturi.

It seemed this Riley, and presumably Victoria, did not seem to care about the body count in Seattle, and the terrible retribution the Volturi could bring against them.

I wanted the Volturi as far from Forks as possible. Besides the obvious risk to Bella from more vampires arriving here and getting a whiff of her sweet smelling blood, if Aro got curious about us and decided to visit his old friend Carlisle, or sent a delegate with an invitation to meet him in Volterra, it would only take one touch of his hand to know everything about us: including my relationship with Bella and her forbidden knowledge of the vampire world.

Revealing our secret to mortals was tantamount to a death sentence. Unless the human was to be turned or drained, and was under constant supervision by the offending vampire, humans were not to be told our secret. There were no exceptions. The fact that I had left Bella for ten months would surely be seen by the Volturi as a major infraction of their rules.

And major infractions were usually dealt with by killing the rule-breaker and any mortals who might know of their existence.

Jasper turned to question Jonas again, knowing he only had perhaps a minute or two of sanity left before his mind retreated into semi-catatonia.

"So Jonas, what exactly is the plan? When and where is your army planning on attacking? "

Jonas was too weak to move his jaw and form the words. His head tilted down and his chin rested on his chest; his strength was gone. But his thoughts still answered Jasper's question, slowly and with a heavy slur. "I don't know. All Riley said was that we needed more numbers, and that we had to strike soon before the black cloaks came."

I quickly relayed his thoughts to Jasper. He nodded, and was thinking of his next question, when I heard a question form in Jonas' mind. "Who are the black cloaks? He said they would kill us all if we kept on attracting attention. That's why we went so far to feed. To keep a low profile like Riley said."

I told Jasper what Riley had thought. Jasper grimaced, and asked another question. "Do you know how Riley will attack us?"

Again, I listened to his thoughts, which were now disjointed and focused almost entirely on blood. A red haze overlaid every thought in his mind; we were losing him.

"No. He doesn't tell anyone anything except for Diego and maybe Marco. No one else."

His last thought faded out, and Jonas was no longer cognizant of our presence. If we left Jonas alone, he would continue in this catatonic state, presumably for eternity, unless someone provided him with massive amounts of blood and sealed up his wounds.

With a grimace, Jasper placed his hands on the sides of Jonas' head, and wrenched and twisted it straight off. With a flick of his lighter, he lit the remains on fire. I gathered the limbs from under the rocks, and tossed them into the roiling purple and yellow flames that crackled and sparked with the last of Jonas' venom.

We waited a few minutes, until the fire was nothing but smoke and ash. Moving quickly, we scattered the ashes among the leaves and dirt. With a last look at the blackened ground where Jonas had met his end, Jasper, Jared, and I turned and ran for home, thoughts running through our minds about what we had learned today.

And despite the dark thoughts of Jasper - of newborn armies and Volturi retribution - I was thinking about Bella, and tonight's party.


	15. Chapter 15 - Party Night

**A/N – Thanks for the notes and reviews! They keep us motivated!  
**

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**CHAPTER 15 - Party Night**

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The thrashing beat of 90's Grunge music pounded through the otherwise peaceful night, rumbling from the frame of the large wooden house that I stood watching from the cover of the tree-line. The modern two story home was situated at the end of a large, private cul-de-sac, which was now crowded with dozens of parked vehicles and milling teenagers. The sounds of laughter and the babble of many conversations combined to create a cacophony of noise that crashed and echoed through the quiet neighborhood.

The house belonged to the Stevens family, and it was the site of the graduation party that Bella had invited Alice to. It seemed that a good portion of the students from Forks High School were at the party, and I was growing restless as I had been out here for almost two hours.

After having followed Bella and Alice to the party earlier in the evening, Alice instructed me to stay back and hidden until she told me to come inside. So I had been content to watch from my perch, listening to the thoughts of Bella's friends as they joked and laughed with her, and hesitatingly spoke to Alice.

I had been out here for too long already, and my patience was coming to an end. If Alice didn't text me in the next few minutes, I was going inside.

As the minutes slowly passed, the volume of the drunken students increased. A few latecomers were still arriving, and were streaming into the overcrowded house, many of them already inebriated.

I decided I could wait no longer. But even as I made the firm decision to go into the party, a text arrived from Alice telling me that it was OK; Bella was tipsy, and would talk with me if I came inside.

Smiling ruefully, I walked out from the woods, across the street and up the paved driveway. There were several students sprawled out on the lawn, presumably passed-out drunk; and I moved past several couples in romantic clutches, making-out and groping each other in brazen, drunken displays of overactive teenage hormones.

As I approached the front door, it was apparent that the sheer number of people attending this party would not all fit inside. Indeed, the partiers had spilled out into the back and side yards, and the volume of the music and the shouts of the partygoers had increased even further in the last few minutes.

I thought it a miracle that the neighbors had not yet called the police, as the noise level was quite appreciable; I compared it to the volume at a modern rock concert, and realized that it was nearly as loud. I was surprised that anyone could hold a conversation in there.

I took a deep breath, and walked into the house through the open front-door. I was immediately assailed with the heat from the press of human bodies, writhing and dancing and drinking in the darkened house. Flashing lights reflected from the living room, where the couches had been pushed to the wall to make room for a make-shift dance floor. The space was packed to capacity, with barely enough room for the gyrating dancers to breathe.

I ignored the stares and lewd thoughts that assailed me, and took a step into the morass. I inhaled deeply, and zeroed-in on Bella's sweet scent - it was discernible even through the stench of the dozens of sweaty and over-perfumed teenagers - and went to find her and my sister.

* * *

Earlier that evening, after returning home from our chase and subsequent questioning of the newborn, we had conducted a strategy briefing with Sam Uley. We discussed what we had learned - he had heard our Q&A session with the newborn as he had a play-by-play from Jared's mind - and decisions needed to be made on whether we would seek out Victoria's army pre-emptively, or wait until they came here. There were pros and cons to both approaches, and I knew that tomorrow would be busy as we debated the best strategy.

I pushed these dark thoughts out of my mind; I would worry about the newborns tomorrow. Tonight, I wanted to be with Bella.

Alice had left for Bella's house at quarter-to-seven, after telling me in no uncertain terms that I could not accompany her; Bella would not be pleased to see me right then, she insisted. I was tempted to ignore her and go with her anyway; but she promised me that I would see Bella before the night was over and I just had to be patient and not rush things.

I then plotted to have a dozen red roses delivered to Bella's house before the party; but again, Alice told me to wait. She showed me the results of her vision, and how Bella would be upset with the gift, thinking I was playing games with her heart.

I winced when I saw this in her mind, and Alice apologized for it. Esme had overheard most of this discussion, and squeezed my arm in sympathy before walking off to find Carlisle.

Carlisle had returned from the hospital in a very subdued mood, and went straight to his study, closing the door behind him. His mind was very focused, thinking and processing the patient load and upcoming surgeries he would be involved with over the next few weeks.

I almost went to talk with him, but his concentration was intense and no extraneous thoughts flitted through his mind. This was unusual, and I might have given this more attention if I hadn't been so distracted.

But I left him alone, and followed Alice when she departed for Bella's.

I spent the early part of the evening concealed in my customary perch, in the forest across from Bella's house. I listened - and watched, through Alice's mind - as she and Bella got themselves ready for the party.

Bella then gave us both a surprise. She did not once complain when Alice primped and polished her, applying makeup and curling her hair. This was a complete about-face from her behavior last year, when Bella would grouse and grumble whenever Alice tried to do anything with her hair or makeup.

But now, Bella welcomed her ministrations, and Alice was in her element; twisting and curling hair and applying eye shadow and lipstick. The two friends laughed and joked and talked about light subjects, bonding and spending quality-time together.

I was pleased that Alice got this time with Bella, after having been denied her company for so many months. And with the exception of Rose - whose company Alice wasn't always eager for - Alice really had no one else to have 'girl time' with.

My only regret was that I wished that I was in there with them.

Several times Alice had gently tried to steer the conversation to try and find out what Bella had been doing for the past few months, and if something was on her mind. But every time the subject was raised, Bella artfully dodged her questions, or simply shook her head, telling Alice to drop-it.

And she did drop-it. For now.

At about nine o'clock, I watched them as they emerged from Bella's house, smiling and excited. Charlie had still not returned home, and Bella had left him a note, stating simply 'don't wait up!' This too was a new development for Bella, as she never enjoyed late nights out when we were dating.

I was learning that I didn't really know what to expect with her anymore; in some ways, this was exciting, and fresh; but in others, it was sad and tore at my heart. It reminded me that Bella was human, and could change and grow; and that I could not. It really brought home to me that I was essentially frozen and would remain as I was for eternity.

Bella had always insisted that her remaining with me while she was human and I was not made no sense, and I never agreed with her, thinking that her aging would not be a hardship for our relationship. But I was beginning to see that she was, once again, correct.

Alice emerged from the Swan house first, dressed in a silver and black dress that looked very nice on her. Her hair was arranged in a fancy 'crown' style, and she looked sophisticated and older than her physical age of eighteen. I was sure that Jasper would appreciate the look when Alice returned to him later.

When Bella walked out the front door, turning and locking it behind her, I had to hold my breath to keep my gasp from giving my presence away.

She looked absolutely divine. She was dressed in a stunning, emerald green skirt and short black lace low-cut top, that left her midriff and shoulders exposed. She wore low-heeled, soft black leather boots, which accentuated her long, slim legs.

The creamy skin of her arms, shoulders, stomach, chest, and legs was fully on display and utterly glorious. Never before had I seen her wear clothes that were so daring, and despite my desire to hide her away from the eyes of every male in Forks, I had to admit that her outfit made me want to ravish her right on her doorstep.

She wore a pendant that I had never seen before, on a silver chain that hung down between her breasts. Her makeup was surprisingly heavy, with smoky eye-shadow and lashes that caressed her cheeks when she blinked. Her lips were a bright, vibrant red.

I had never seen anything more beautiful or sexy in my entire existence, and a low growl came unbidden from deep in my chest.

I saw Alice's head snap-up at me, and she glared at my hidden position in the forest. '_Edward, not now. You will have a chance to talk with her later. She won't talk to you now, and she will be upset if you try and force it. So shut-up and stay put,' _she growled at me in her thoughts.

I stayed in the tree-line as I followed them to the party. They were driving in Alice's new yellow Porsche, a present she bought for herself and which had been delivered today. This was her first time driving it, and it was flashy and opulent - perfect for Alice. The dozen or so people that were milling around outside the Steven's house or were just parking their own cars all stopped and gawked as Bella and Alice stepped from the glittering vehicle, laughing and walking arm-in-arm without a care in the world.

I had to fight hard to control myself at the thoughts that ran through the heads of the boys as they got a good look at Bella. I was used to boys fantasizing about my sisters - after all, I had been witness to it for fifty years - but I had never been in public with Bella dressed like a sex-goddess. She had always been fairly modest in her dress choices, despite Alice's best efforts to change her outlook. Bella would usually feel uncomfortable under the scrutiny of others, and thus liked to dress modestly.

But now, I watched in amazement as Bella handled the appreciative wolf-whistles, jeers, and lusty exclamations with grace and poise. She laughed, waving her hand at the crowd of admirers, even exchanging light banter with several of them. Alice's thoughts were as surprised as mine were.

There was, however, one bad moment where I almost lost it. A tall, dark haired boy - who I recognized and remembered, as having been a year older than Bella and who had graduated with Rosalie and Emmett - strode up to her confidently and kissed her right on the lips, his hands finding their way to her backside and lightly squeezing it.

My vision went red, and I had actually started out of the forest, venom pooling in my mouth and my instincts telling me to protect what was mine. My muscles felt tensed to spring, when Bella suddenly laughed, breaking the spell. She stepped away from the boy, patting him affectionately on the cheek. "Now, now Keith. None of that tonight," she teased, her bell-like voice bringing my sanity back.

The foolish boy made a smacking sound with his lips, and then in a display of grotesque rudeness, adjusted himself quite obviously. His mind clouded with lust as he thought of Bella's bare breasts, and how they had felt under his hands when they 'hooked-up' at a beach party last month.

My ire rose again, but luckily for him she had already turned away, and he reluctantly walked-off, disappearing around the corner of the house with two companions. Bella giggled at his antics, and then pulled an astonished Alice with her to the house, where they waded into the crowd a few moments later, leaving me behind, gulping like a fish out of water.

I was flabbergasted at Bella's behavior. Yes, I knew I was fairly puritanical in many of my views on intimacy and relations between the sexes, but this display of Bella's all but floored me.

It wasn't' that I didn't know certain women had loose morals. Indeed, Tanya and her Denali sisters were the most un-virtuous trio of women I had ever encountered, and they had probably seduced and slept with thousands of men over their centuries of existence.

But to see my Bella - _not your Bella anymore_, I bitterly reminded myself - behaving like such a hussy was disturbing and offended my deep-seated sense of morality. How many men had she had relations with in the ten months I was gone?

Granted, I had not seen any indication that she was having intercourse with these boys - certainly the thoughts of the three boys didn't indicate she was - but it still deeply offended my sense of propriety to see Bella letting three different boys – or perhaps more - touch her precious flesh. And for all I knew, she may have given herself fully to someone else.

I thought of these three boys with tightening fists. The un-named backseat-boy from last night, the Wolf-boy Embry, and now this boy Keith: I wanted to hunt them down and tear them to bits for daring to touch my Bella.

But I knew that I wouldn't, and that Bella was finally acting like the teenager that she really was.

A pang of sadness washed over me, and for a moment I wanted to slink away in defeat. When I left, I truly had wanted this for Bella - a lifetime of normal, human experiences, and the love of a normal human boy who could give her children and a future. But I never thought I would ever come face-to-face with the reality of seeing it first-hand. Even now, the thought of her touching or being touched by another man made me feel like knives were slashing my insides.

I again steeled my resolve, and was determined to not let her behavior affect me. I knew that I had wounded her deeply, and undoubtedly made her feel unworthy. She always had self-esteem issues, and my harsh words and cruel behavior probably exacerbated those feelings.

And I certainly made her feel unloved and unwanted. So it should be no surprise that she was now having relations with men, if for no other reason than to reinforce her own feelings of desirability.

I had seen this behavior many, many times in the thoughts of humans. It was the famous 'rebound' effect. It held true especially for men: after being 'dumped' by their partners, men would often try and reinforce their own sense of desirability by shielding their ego's and bedding as many females as they could.

I sighed with resignation, and shook my head fondly. My silly Bella; she had no idea of the power she held over men. Without even trying she had gained the attention of so many boys at Forks High School, and, to my disgust, a few of the teaching staff as well. She was only aware of the three boys who asked her on dates before I moved into the picture; what she never knew and what I never told her, was that there were another dozen or so boys that would have been very interested in dating her, but either waited too long until she was off the market, or that didn't know her well and feared she would reject them.

I vowed then that I would let her know, in every possible way, how beautiful and wonderful and desirable she was to me.

* * *

So now, two hours later, I was braving the writhing mass of sweaty humanity, seeking out Bella and my sister.

I made my way through the living-room area, where the music was loudest and which was packed with dancing teenagers. The noise level was so high in here that conversation was completely impossible.

I passed through the press of swarming humans, trying to be careful of my bruising strength, and ignoring the strong smell of their blood and the thunder of their heartbeats. I finally made it through, and walked into a long hallway that was much less crowded. The smell of alcohol and marijuana saturated the area; coils of bluish grey smoke wafted along the hall, rising to the ceiling, creating a deep haze that reminded me of the smog often seen outside chemical plants.

At the end of the hallway, I saw that there was an open back porch area. Dozens of students loitered there, and I saw two kegs of beer and an assortment of alcohol and juice bottles lined-up on a picnic table. Dozens of plastic cups littered the floor of the porch and the backyard, and swaying couples and groups of chatting teenagers filled almost every available square foot of the backroom and porch.

Many of the people I passed were having difficulty standing upright. Almost everyone on the premises seemed to be intoxicated on something. I surmised that most of them had only drunk alcohol, but my sensitive nose and ability to hear thoughts told me that a few people were partaking in harder drugs. I tried to ignore them and their disjointed thoughts, and fervently hoped that Bella was not experimenting with drug use.

I watched with distaste as several older kids made their way up the staircase, thoughts of cocaine running through their minds. Another group was huddled in the laundry room that branched-off from the hallway, enjoying their 'ecstasy' buzz, and rocking to a rhythm that only they could hear.

Ignoring the depravations around me, I followed Bella's scent through the house. It got stronger and stronger, until I passed-through the dining room and finally entered the kitchen, which was not as crowded as some of the rooms I had been in.

The kitchen, which was modern and featured a center island that was littered with cups and half-empty bottles of whiskey and vodka, also had a door that opened to the back-yard. The door was propped open, and I was not surprised to find Alice there, as the fresh-air would have been a relief to the smell of humanity and blood that saturated the house.

When I spotted Bella standing next to Alice, I felt a rush of warmth run through my stone body and a smile spreading unbidden on my face.

She was leaning back against the wall, a drink clutched in her hand, swaying lightly as she stood in a loose circle with Alice, Jessica Stanley, Mike Newton, Angela Weber, and Ben Cheney. Her cheeks were flushed, her breathing deep and steady, and her beautiful brown eyes were bright, but had a somewhat glassy look to them. A big smile stretched her red lips, as she laughed at something Angela was saying.

She leaned back a little too far, and Angela had to steady her to keep her from falling. Bella laughed at her own clumsiness, a wild, carefree sound that was infectious and delightful.

I ruefully shot Alice a glare. Bella looked more than just a little 'tipsy.' Alice just shrugged at me, smiling. '_She's happy, Edward,_' she said to me in her thoughts.

That was good enough for me.

Their group was talking loudly, so they could be heard over the music; thankfully, it was somewhat quieter in this part of the house.

I had listened-in on their thoughts earlier in the night, and they had all been shocked to see Alice accompanying Bella. At first, they had been hesitant to talk with the 'freaky Cullen', but as the night wore on and alcohol began to loosen inhibitions, Alice was slowly accepted into the group.

By the time I arrived, Alice and Bella were just another pair of partygoers, chatting and having fun, and - except for some of the boys who lusted after one or both of them - no one gave her presence a second thought. I realized, with perfect 20/20 hindsight, that this was the real reason Alice had made we wait outside. Alice and I would have been too intimidating if we had arrived together, and Bella might not have been able to relax with me hovering over her.

As I stepped out of the hallway and made my way over to their group, Ben Cheney was the first to spot me.

"Cullen? Holy shit!" he muttered, his voice slurring with the effects of the alcohol. He leaned heavily against Angela, and she turned her head to see what had distracted him.

As Angela noticed me, her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. Her thoughts registered shock at my sudden appearance, and then immediately began to worry about Bella. She wondered if Bella knew I was back, and if my coming here would upset her.

And then, running through her mind, were images of a very different Bella; a pale, emaciated, and lifeless girl, moving through the hallways of Forks High like a zombie. These horrible images assaulted me, as Angela's mind remembered what Bella had looked like after my departure. The graphic pictures made me wince, and I almost stumbled from the pain that coursed through me.

I schooled my features, forcing myself to smile. I was not sure if I was successful; and when I saw Alice frown I tried harder to force my face to relax and to adopt an open, friendly expression.

Mike and Jessica, who were listening to Angela's story, appeared perplexed by her sudden silence and open-mouth stare, and turned to see what she was looking at. When they saw me, both their mouths dropped open as well, but I steeled myself against hearing their thoughts and closed the distance between our groups in two long strides.

"Good evening," I said, my voice rich and inviting, my expression friendly. I used my vampiric charm on them all, which was difficult as I was fighting hard not to cringe as more thoughts of a devastated Bella ran through Angela's, Ben's, and even Mike's mind. Jessica, predictably, only thought of how 'hot' I looked and if I was available and on the market. She was apparently dating Mike, but this was of no consequence to her and she didn't view this as an impediment to 'hooking-up' with me.

Finally, Bella - the last one in the group to notice me - turned to face me, her eyes going wide. I ignored everyone else standing beside her, and I let my love and desire for her shine through my eyes and suffuse my expression.

Newton's angry thoughts and Angela's worried ones faded to nothing but a buzz ringing in the back of my head, as Bella and I locked eyes in Lee Steven's darkened kitchen, with the music of Pearl Jam blasting out behind us.

In that instant, even if only for a moment, my world righted itself.

Bella's eyes, always so expressive and easy for me to read, registered surprise, and momentary warmth; but then they slowly morphed into that cool, detached look she had worn in her bedroom yesterday. I hated that look, and my momentary happiness faded.

I desperately wanted to see if I could get a glimpse of my Bella behind this cold, hard mask; to see if any feelings still remained for me in her wonderful heart.

She loved me once - of that I was sure.

Did she still? And if not, would she allow herself to do so again?

After what I had done to her, could she?

As the moment stretched on with no one saying anything, our eyes remained locked, unblinking. The spell was broken, however, when Newton's angry voice intruded into our private connection.

"So, Cullen - I guess you're back?" he sneered. "What for? And how long are you staying this time?" His tone was harsh, condescending, and slightly fearful.

I reluctantly tore my eyes away from Bella, and saw in my peripheral vision a blush flash in her cheeks as she turned a questioning look to Alice, as if asking her why I was at the party. Alice shrugged at her in feigned innocence, which Bella only responded to by arching an eyebrow in disbelief.

As much as I wanted to rip Newton's head from his body, I met his glare with a neutral expression, reminding myself that he was justified in his remarks to me. I saw in his thoughts that he was worried about Bella, and that he actually cared for her as more than a possible conquest. They had apparently become pretty good friends in the past month or two, as she was working extra shifts at his parents store and they spent a fair amount of time together.

"Hello, Mike," I replied, keeping my voice friendly but cool. The fact that he was worried about Bella saved him from any cutting retorts I might have made. "Yes, we are back, as you can see. As for why we are back?" I let my eyes wander back to Bella as I answered him. "Well, there were some things about Forks that Alice and I - and the rest of my family - missed too much to be away from any longer, and we have no plans on leaving again anytime soon."

With my gaze focused on Bella, it was very clear about what - or rather who - I was referring to. Bella met my stare, and wore an expression of confusion; her eyes darted back and forth between mine, as if they were searching for answers.

I let the love I felt for her shine in my eyes, and I watched as her gaze softened. I saw a glimpse of the old Bella lurking deep in the depths of her bottomless chocolate orbs, and if I were capable of producing tears right then, they would have been flowing down my face.

Bella blushed again, and lowered her head. I was about to say something, when I felt Jessica Stanley grip my arm. I was thankful I wore a long sleeve shirt - Alice's advice, of course - so she did not feel the chill that came from my skin.

"Edward, I am so glad you are back!" Jessica gushed, batting her eyelashes at me. "We really missed you! You've got to come out with us sometime!' She cooed at me, her breath reeking of alcohol and her eyes sparkling with desire and lust.

I chuckled as I saw Mike scowl in disgust, and he angrily stalked off to the Keg for another cup of beer. I let my eyes flit to Bella, to watch her reaction, but she had not lifted her head.

I glanced at Alice, who gave me a very small smile, and I heard her projecting her thoughts to me. _'It's OK, Edward. I can see you talking with her tomorrow, so everything should be OK tonight.' _She let me see the vision - blurry again, for some reason - of Bella and me talking in front of her house.

Angela had regained her composure, and began questioning me tentatively about my time away. I stuck to our pre-fabricated story: that we had gone to LA but it had not appealed to Esme, and that Alice and I were completely miserable there and wanted to return to Forks.

I continually let my eyes wander to Bella as I spoke with Angela; she was chewing her lip, her eyes occasionally lifting to meet mine before quickly turning away.

Alice soon joined the discussion, and soon Ben did as well, as the group asked us more questions about Los Angeles. Jessica was pulled away for another drink by an angry Mike, and Ben got into a side discussion with Eric Yorkie who had wandered over to our group.

Someone asked a question about the LA weather and if we had spent any time at the beach while we were there, and Bella dissolved into a fit of giggles. As everyone turned to look at her, I raised an eyebrow at her in question. Her cheeks flamed red, but she didn't stop laughing, and ended up hanging-on to a chuckling Alice.

"What's so funny, Bella?" Angela asked, smiling but honestly not understanding what set her friend off. Bella tried to stop laughing to answer, but each time she looked like she had caught her breath she would dissolve in another fit of giggles, choking-out words like "beach" and "sunny" and "sparkles".

Eventually, everyone was laughing with her, thinking her drunk. Though no one got the joke, it was easy to laugh with her. I laughed too - a drunken Bella was fun to be around.

The conversations soon split into many smaller discussions, as we mingled and intermixed in our corner of the kitchen. People would occasionally wander up to our group, saying hello, or introducing themselves, or insinuating themselves into the various conversations. There were several occasions where I was approached by intoxicated or particularly brazen girls, their thoughts dark with lust as they imagined themselves in various sexual situations with me.

Sometimes the thoughts of these girls would make me cringe, and Bella would giggle and gaze at me with a knowing look in her eyes, or pretend to pout in mock sympathy. Alice was no help at all; she would just roll her eyes at me before turning back to whomever she was talking with.

One particular girl was very persistent. Her name was Melissa Brandt; I remembered her because of her insatiable crush and flirtatious behavior towards me when we first moved to Forks. I had been playing the role of a sophomore, which was the youngest age that I could pull-off comfortably. She was a senior at the time, two years older than the age I was pretending to be.

Apparently, she was fairly popular at the school, a self-proclaimed 'Queen Bee' and she had claimed 'dibs' on me. From almost the moment I arrived, she would try and flirt with me, or ask me to sit with her at her table in lunch, or make lurid suggestions about 'meeting' me after school. I politely declined all her invitations, until she finally gave up and went after easier 'meat.' But her fantasies never stopped, and I tried to tune her out of my mind for the rest of the year.

I was very relieved when she graduated.

Now, here she was, drunk and eager, once again trying to win my affection. "Edward, you look great! I'm Melissa. Remember me? We were good friends when you first moved here." Melissa wrapped her arm around my waist, ignoring my attempts to move away from her or extricate myself from her grip, without hurting her physically.

I saw Bella choke on her drink, trying to stifle a laugh at Melissa's overt attempts at flirting. I was turning to her, watching as Alice gently slapped Bella's back, and I again tried to remove Melissa's arm from around my waist. But without waiting for my reply to her question, Melissa continued her monologue. "You're going to college next year, wow! All grown up! I love big boys,' she teased, her attempts to be sexy ruined when she swayed a little far to the right, and her drink - something with red juice in it - spilled over and onto her white shirt.

"Oops," she giggled, the sound reminding me of the cackle of a television or movie witch. I was finally able to disengage her arm, and turned away from her. She was seemingly not bothered by the fact that her top was now streaked with red juice, and that her bra-less breasts and nipples were now clearly visible through the wet shirt.

Melissa wiped her dripping hand over her chest in what she tried to make a provocative gesture. "Guess I need some help with that," she purred. She looked at me, batting her lashes and speaking in what she probably thought was a seductive tone. "Edward, would you like to go with me to get a refill?"

Her right arm came up and snaked around my bicep, and she stepped closer to me, swaying again, and leaning her very large breasts upwards towards my face. I doubt someone could have fit a piece of paper between my nose and the top of her cleavage.

My eyes flashed over to Bella, who had a smirk on her face, and was covering her mouth with her fingers to keep herself from laughing at the pitiful attempts of Melissa at getting my attention. Alice too was laughing, and even Angela and Ben were smiling while watching Melissa make an ass of herself.

"No, thank you. I am fine right where I am." I disengaged her arm from mine, my eyes never leaving Bella's. Melissa looked back and forth between us for a moment, before giving-up and moving off in a huff, searching for easier marks.

Bella let out another laugh after she was gone, and looked over at Alice, then at me. "I guess nothing much has changed, right Edward?" she asked, her eyes sparkling, before bursting into full-throated laughter.

Ben and Angela looked laughed with her, not fully understanding the connotation but realizing that Bella must have seen girls being overly friendly with me before. I smiled crookedly at Bella, when I saw Alice's eyes glaze over momentarily. When her vision cleared, she smiled brightly and answered the question that was on their minds. "It seems that wherever Edward goes there is always someone who won't leave him alone. They just don't take no for an answer. But Bella is the only one he ever had any interest in."

Bella's eyes narrowed momentarily, but then her cheeks blushed when Ben muttered "nothing seems to have changed there." Angela looked between Bella and me, her eyes careful, her thoughts worried about her friend. She wondered if my motivations were pure, or if I would break Bella's heart again. There was also a very, very brief image of a teary Charlie Swan, but that vanished before I could make any sense of it.

There was an awkward pause, before Angela started-up another conversation with Jessica, and soon Alice joined them. Eric Yorkie was soon laughing along to a funny story Alice was telling, and Mike Newton had migrated back over to our group, his arm slung over Jessica's shoulder. Several other students I didn't recognize had also moved nearer our group, and we now had about a dozen people gathered around us.

I watched as Bella spoke with her friends, a mixture of pride and sadness washing through me. I was pleased that she finally was showing confidence, and not being too shy to enjoy herself at social events or parties. I always told her that she never saw herself clearly - maybe now she finally believed in herself.

It was just a shame that it was my leaving that might have been the catalyst that caused this metamorphosis to occur.

As the conversation flowed around us, I was only half-listening to anyone. Alice was fielding and answering any questions about our time in LA, so I was able to just nod occasionally and spend my time staring at Bella.

I knew she was aware of my stare. She would occasionally meet my eyes, a questioning look in her beautiful orbs, before a crease would appear on her forehead, like she was deep in thought. Sometimes I saw the hint of a smile, and at other times, a frown.

I so badly wanted to know what she was thinking.

As time passed, she became less and less involved in the discussions going on around her. Our small crowd grew larger, and soon Bella, Alice and I were at the open end of a semi-circle of people who were all engaged in bantering and general party drunkenness.

A loud crash caught everyone's attention, and I watched in amusement as a very drunk Tyler Crowley came stumbling into the room, kicking-over a large coat stand. He excused himself with slurred speech, not aware that his inability to stand upright was causing his beer to spill on the kitchen floor. An equally drunk Lauren Mallory came to his side, trying to keep him standing, and a younger girl named Katy joined them, holding on to his other side; they walked him out the door and out of sight. Both of them were thinking that they wanted a threesome with him, right then.

I pinched the bridge of my nose in disgust, and felt Bella's eyes on me, like burning lasers. I looked down into those deep brown eyes, and noticed that she had a wide, knowing smile on her face. She had undoubtedly surmised that I had read something in Lauren or Katy's thoughts that I didn't want to know.

"Want to tell?" she whispered quietly, leaning upwards on her tiptoes to whisper in my ear. She fell back onto her heels, and winked saucily at me, her left hip jutting out and her hand resting on it.

I smiled, and decided to play along. "Hmm. Well, Bella," I asked, my face breaking into the crooked smile I knew she used to love, "do the three of them do that often? Because no-one even batted an eyelash."

She nodded, giggling at me. The sound was divine, sending chills up my body. "Yes, every party I've been to so far. Tyler really...I mean _really_...likes his drink. And Lauren and Katy like what the drink does to Tyler. And to his inhibitions." She laughed again, a flash of red staining her cheeks.

Despite the morally suspect and racy subject matter under discussion, I looked fondly at her, enjoying this looser, more playful side of Bella.

"Believe me, Bella," I said, tapping the side of my head, indicating my gift, "Tyler doesn't need his inhibitions to be any lower than they already were. You can't imagine what goes through his mind."

She laughed loudly, throwing her beautiful head back, the chimes of her voice overshadowing even the blast from the pounding music. Seeing her so carefree made my heart clench with happiness. I wanted to keep her smiling and laughing and carefree for eternity. If she would only have me.

We chatted happily on, Alice commenting on different conversations, and Bella and I exchanged a few more light jokes between us. It was uplifting and effortless, and I realized how much I had missed this easy camaraderie that we always had.

What a fool I had been to give this away.

I knew right then, that even if Bella did not accept me back romantically that I would try and stay in her life at least as her friend. It would be difficult - maybe one of the hardest things I had ever done - but it was easier than the thought of never seeing or speaking with her again.

I almost said something when Eric handed her a beer cup - it was foolish to accept a drink from someone at a party, hadn't she heard of Rophynol and spiked drinks? - but I knew this was not my place now, and I did not want to fall into old patterns.

Plus, I read Eric's thoughts, and he had not spiked anything into the cup. If he had, nothing would have stopped me from getting it away from Bella.

As she finished the beer, she swayed unsteadily, and was bumped from behind by someone. The room had gotten more crowded, and her face was flushed and covered in a light sheen of sweat. She fanned herself with a dainty hand, trying to cool down.

"Do you want to get some fresh air, Bella?" I asked, gesturing to the open door.

She hesitated for a moment, before giving me a small smile. "Yes, thank you Edward."

I followed behind her, my hand gently touching the bare skin of her back and guiding her outside. The familiar electricity hummed between us, and I felt my hand warming from the heat of her skin.

I was aware of every eye in the room on us as we walked away, and I tuned-out their thoughts : many angry, some jealous, and a few that were worried about Bella.

The last thing I focused on were Alice's thoughts in my mind: _'Good luck Edward._'

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**A/N - Chapter 16 is almost finished, but it might be a week or two until it's up. Have a few unavoidable trips I need to take this weekend and next week. This chapter was supposed to be only about 3k words- but it sort of wrote itself once I got Edward into the party.**

**Sorry about that!**


	16. Chapter 16 - Unexpected Guests

**A/N - Got some interesting PM's after the last chapter. Also enjoyed the note from 'guest' about Edward's penance and making him face the results of his decisions. Interestingly, I've gotten about an equal number of pm's asking me to make him suffer longer or perhaps have her not forgive him. **

**Well, I am a canon-fan at heart - so although I write B/Jac, B/Mike, B/Jasp, and even B/OC stories, I do believe that Bella/Edward is where my heart lies. Anyone who reads my 'Bella and Edward at Angela's Wedding' will see the amount of fluff I sometimes will write about Bella and Edward as I do believe there love to be real, despite the personality issues that SM wrote them with. I think SM's constant references to Wuthering Heights were apt – i.e much like their counterparts in Wuthering Heights, B/E were a warped couple (at least until the 2****nd**** half of breaking dawn) but were deeply and irrevocably in love. So, although there isn't much fluff here, this story *is* a Bella/Edward story, about choices, and consequences, and growth.**

**The first story arc was supposed to be completed by chap 14 – unfortunately, it looks like it will go further. The characters want to be heard, and I am apt to let them speak.**

* * *

**Chapter 16**

**Unexpected Guests**

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Bella and I walked out the side door to the patio, my hand on the small of her back. I felt eyes on us from almost everyone in the room, and the thoughts that went with them were incredulous, jealous or angry. Most were unkind in some form or other; thoughts ranging from how rotten I was for what I had done to Bella, to how she should throwing a drink in my face. A few of the girls felt bad for Bella, despite their underlying jealousy of her, and they didn't want to see me back together with her only for her to get hurt again.

To my regret, I could not detect a single person's thoughts that were pleased to see us together, except for Alice's.

I understood a little better now why Alice said we should not return to school, that it would be bad for 'several' reasons. Almost everyone here disliked me, and none of them believed I really was back to stay. Even some of the girls who didn't know or didn't care about Bella, had crude thoughts along the lines of thinking that I would 'pump her and dump her', like they accused me of doing last year. Even the ones who thought me attractive and would have liked to 'jump my bones' thought I was a jerk.

Some of their minds were truly nasty places to be. Lauren Mallory's, in particular, was a cesspool of depravity. She estimated that I had only gone out with Bella last year because she was new – an easy mark. She figured that since Bella had no real friends, I would target her because she had no one to warn her off about my 'freaky family,' and when I finished with her and dumped-her, I didn't have to worry about offending the 'popular' kids because Bella wasn't part of their crowd.

I wanted to snarl in Lauren's face, and then grab Bella and run until we were far away from the accusations and recriminations in their juvenile thoughts; but I kept my inner turmoil contained, and I forced my lips to smile as I calmly walked her outside, where the air was much fresher and the crowd was much smaller and the guilty reminders of my past sins against Bella weren't staring me in the face with judgmental eyes.

Despite the late hour, the air was still surprisingly warm, and I my vampiric sight could see tiny beads of sweat forming on Bella's brow. She stumbled slightly when she descended the porch steps to the patio, chuckling at herself, and I steadied her with my hand.

There was a buzzing-hum that rushed up my arm when I steadied her by gently holding her elbow and my skin touched hers. I felt her stiffen at the contact, and withdrew my hand quickly. I did, however, hear her heart stutter, and I smiled to myself, relishing the fact that she still felt our connection, even if she did seem uncomfortable with it.

She glanced back at me, her eyes hooded, holding an unfathomable expression. What was she thinking? I smiled ruefully, knowing that I would never tire of wanting to hear her thoughts.

As we stepped onto the grass, Bella slowly turned back around to face-me, frowning slightly at something over my shoulder. I turned slightly, and saw that several people from our group had followed us out to the backyard. I heard Alice talking with them animatedly, and I hoped she could keep them distracted so Bella and I could have a few moments alone.

I looked down at Bella's beautiful, heart-shaped face, the depth of my love for her shining in my eyes. I wanted her to see the love and apology there. She turned again, and stared back at me, her gaze unwavering, unblinking. I could drown in the depths of her fathomless eyes, the swirling colors of brown with the slightest hints of green at the edges of her iris.

I was studying her expression, trying to decipher what her face was trying to say. She used to call herself an open-book; much to my dismay, this was no longer true. Her expressions confused me now, and they were more guarded, not giving anything away. Everything seemed to be swimming under the surface with her – secrets hidden deep.

Perhaps the change was also partly due to the face that I used to always see love and desire shining in her eyes when she looked at me, and she wore her emotions on her sleeve. Every time she looked at me, she lit up. But now, it's like she had learned how to wear a mask.

Bella had never been a good actress; I wonder what changed that made her become one?

Our eyes remained locked, and the moment stretched on. I knew I had to speak first or explode in frustration. I tried to keep it light. "Looks like everyone is enjoying themselves tonight. I've never been to a party like this before," I said, smiling warmly.

She blinked, as if coming back to her senses, and swayed lightly on her feet. I moved to steady her, but she was able to right herself. "Hmm, yes. I didn't think there would be this many people here," she agreed, glancing around.

We bantered back and forth for a few minutes, and she gradually became more relaxed.I was aware that there were still many eyes on us, but we were no longer the focus of attention.

I made a silly joke with a hidden innuendo about the smell of alcohol in the house being as strong as the scent of blood, and she laughed warmly. She leaned forward, stepping on her tiptoes and tilting her head upwards. She cupped her hand near her mouth, leaning up to the shell of my ear and then pitched her voice so only I could hear. "Is it very difficult for you and Alice? Having so many people so close, I mean." Her delicious breath washed over me, as our heads were barely six inches apart.

To an outside observer, the movement would have looked romantic, hinting at a couple flirting with each other, or sharing an intimate secret. Indeed, I heard similar thoughts in several minds:

"No way, she can't be with him again." This from an un-named mind of a girl I had never met.

"How could Bella be so stupid? He's a total asshole," thought Mike Newton.

"Be careful Bella." This last one was from Angela.

Before Bella had fully stepped back onto her heels, I turned my head slightly, and was met with Bella's bright eyes, staring at me seriously from only a few inches away. As she dropped from her tiptoes, I moved closer to her, until our gazes locked.

I whispered to her then, my hopes and dreams all wrapped up in my enunciation of her name. "Bella," I breathed, letting my cool breath wash over her. "None of them smell anywhere near as delicious as you."

I knew I was dazzling her, and I knew it was cheating, but with her standing so close I couldn't fight the desire and love raging through my body. I was soaking-up the heat rolling off of her, letting it suffuse my cold granite skin.

Her eyes went blank for a moment, before she blinked several times and then locked gazes with me again. I watched, sadly, as the wall came right back up. I could see it clearly, like a curtain blocking her emotions from showing in her eyes. I could still see the brown on the surface, but the depth of her gaze – the ability to read her beautiful soul through her eyes – was closed off from me.

I tried to keep a smile on my face and my voice light. "And it's not so difficult to resist the smell. But the fresh air does help." I let my face mold itself into the crooked-grin she had so often told me she adored.

She nodded, averting her gaze, and our semi-intimate moment had passed. She kept looking around the patio, avoiding my eyes.

Worrying that I might not get another chance to speak with her alone, I rushed my next words. "Bella, I know this is not the place, but could I come and talk with you in the morning? There are some things I would like to discuss with you, and I would like to do so tomorrow."

I watched as a flurry of emotions danced in her eyes, and a little furrow formed on her brow. She opened her mouth to answer, when suddenly I heard Alice gasp, and then a loud booming voice interrupted us.

"Bella!" Her name thundered across the yard, louder than even the music coming from the house. I turned to see Jacob Black and one of the Quileute's from the clearing – Embry – approaching us from the side of the house. They walked quickly, moving fairly smoothly despite their enormous size. Their faces were twisted into angry snarls.

Everyone had turned to look at the two hulking boys as they made their way to the patio. People stepped back to give them room, clearly intimidated by their size and unfriendly faces.

Their thoughts were absolutely murderous. Jacob especially wanted to rip me to shreds for daring to approach Bella, treaty be damned. Embry's thoughts were not much better, consisting of wanting mostly to get Bella away from me.

I remembered from his memory in the clearing, how he had kissed Bella. I had to control myself from launching myself at him, for daring to touch her.

Alice excused herself from her conversation with Angela, and wandered over to stand next to me, with Bella sandwiched between us. Bella blinked twice, trying to stand tall and straight as she focused on the two approaching Quileute's. Unfortunately for her, the alcohol in her blood and the loud pounding music – coupled to her already precarious balance – made this a difficult task. She swayed unsteadily on her feet and my hand automatically reached out to steady her elbow. The baleful eyes of Jacob Black narrowed in on the movement, his fists clenching in rage.

They sauntered-up to us in their denim shorts and tee shirts, two solid masses of tanned flesh and bulging muscles. Several of the kids in the kitchen had heard Jacob's shout, and had walked out onto the patio to see what the commotion was.

I saw Jacob's eyes soften slightly as they met Bella's, and when a smile split her face at the sight of them, they softened further.

"Jacob, Embry! Hey guys!" Bella called, stepping over to greet them. My hand twitched, wanting so badly to reach out and pull her behind me. I knew how dangerous these boys could be, I had seen the destruction they could cause when angered. I scanned Alice's thoughts, looking to see if anything untoward was going to happen in the next few minutes, but all I saw was grey mist. She sighed in frustration, as she often did when the Wolves were near her. Her gift didn't work on any future where they were present.

Bella reached-up to hug Jacob, who towered over her by at least a foot. He leaned down and wrapped his enormous hands around her small waist, lifting her bodily up-in-the-air to kiss the corner of her mouth, lingering there far longer than what would be considered appropriate for a friendly peck. My fists clenched, and I felt Alice's hand suddenly gripping my arm, holding me in place.

At that moment, I saw in the mongrel's thoughts that he was completely in love with Bella. His schoolyard crush from last year – which was so apparent to me when he interrupted us at Prom – had blossomed into full-blown love. He was devoted to her, and had long ago forgiven Embry for his make-out session with Bella. He wrote it off as two friends having too much to drink and getting curious.

Embry too was enamored of her, and would have liked very much to 'get in her pants.' But he wasn't in love with her like Jacob was, and was more concerned about her not getting hurt than her ending-up with him. He respected Jacob's 'claim', and was content being her friend.

I respected Embry's reasoning, and I didn't hold Jacob's feelings against him. How could I? I had also fallen prey to Bella's irresistible lures and was also hopelessly in love with her. It was too easy to love Bella, and I was thankful that there weren't even more suitors waiting for their chance to win her heart.

Jacob looked between Bella, Alice, and myself, and then looked over at the crowd of teenagers, who were standing and watching this interesting encounter.

I tried to tune out everyone's thoughts, which were exactly what I would have predicted them to be: from the boys, a blend of those eager to see a fight, to those who were worried that a fight would bring the police and break-up the party. The girls mostly were admiring the two newcomers.

Bella broke the tension by speaking first. "I didn't know you guys were coming tonight. Why didn't you call me?" she asked peevishly, her hands on her waist.

Jacob smiled down at her. "Sorry Bells. We had some stuff to do, and we weren't sure we would be finished on time. How long you been here? Who did you come with?"

Bella nodded, fully understanding that 'stuff-to-do' meant 'pack business. "Not too long, I guess. I came with Alice, a couple of hours ago." Bella looked over at Alice. "Hey, Alice! What time is it anyway?" she asked.

Alice and I took a few steps forward, and I had to stop breathing as the scent of the Wolves made me want to gag. I noticed Alice was also wrinkling her nose at the smell, but she answered anyway. "It's almost midnight Bella."

Bella nodded, and turned back to the Quileute's, who again were glaring daggers at me. Bella looked between us, and tried to defuse the obviously tense situation. "Umm, guys you know my friend Alice, right? I came with her." Their eyes glanced at Alice, before they pointedly looked at me again. So Bella added, almost as an afterthought, "And this is her brother."

Embry coughed under his breath. "Yeah, right. Brother," and I kept my face neutral. I nodded at the Quileute's, who were looking quite smug at the obvious lack of title that I had received in my introduction from Bella. I wasn't introduced as 'Edward' or 'ex-boyfriend.' No, I had no title or designation whatsoever.

Fitting, I guess, as I had no idea what I meant to her anymore.

Jacob interrupted my musings. "Bella? Can I speak to you in private for a sec?" Before Bella could even answer, he had gripped her upper arm and pulled her along to a corner of the yard. I was outraged at his manhandling of her, but I forced myself to remain calm.

He must have known he wasn't out of our hearing range, but he and Bella were away from most of the other guests when he stopped walking. He looked down at her, his face a barely contained mask of rage. "Bella! What the hell are you doing? Why are you talking to that leech! He broke you!" Jacob ranted at her, now holding both her upper arms and almost shaking her with his anger.

I was ready to rip her from his arms, when I felt Alice's hand grab my wrist. There was no way to get free without a struggle, and Embry stood a few feet away eyeing us doubtfully.

All eyes were riveted on the scene. Although they couldn't hear the words spoken, the tone and body language was clear, and most everyone knew what was going on. It was quite common knowledge that Jacob had a 'thing' for Bella, and that he was upset and jealous to find me cozying-up to her at a party.

I was seething, and was ready to tell Alice to let go of my arm, but Bella surprised me with her next action. "Jacob! Let me go,right now! You're hurting me!" she spat at him.

With a look of surprise - which echoed in his thoughts, as the dog didn't know his own strength - he released both her arms and she reeled backwards, barely catching herself from falling. She brushed her arms off, and turned to him with a heated glare. "Listen, Jacob, I came to the party with Alice. She is my friend, so deal with it." She got right up in his face, then, standing on her tip toes, her finger pointed and poking him in the chest. "Edward arrived a short while ago, and we chatted a bit. That's all. So drop the Neatherdal-bit and get me a beer to replace the one you spilled, or get out of my face." She finished her rant with her arms crossed and folded against her chest, her chin sticking out defiantly.

With a sheepish look, all the fight went out of Jacob, and he walked over to get her another beer. "Sure, sure" he muttered to himself, cursing me under his breath as he stared at me under his brows.

After seeing her put the dog in his place, I couldn't help but smirk at his discomfiture; even his friend Embry was smiling and Alice was laughing quietly at my side. "That's our Bella," she whispered. "Bold and beautiful."

Bella skipped back over to us, a lopsided grin on her face. "Sorry about him. He forgets his manners sometimes."

"Yes, too much inbreeding," Alice muttered, and Bella broke out in a full-throated laugh.

"He means well, though," she defended him. "He can't help being overprotective."

"Yeah, but you love him for it Bella," Embry added, smiling fondly at her, and then turned his head to watch Jacob getting a beer for Bella. In a soft undertone that he didn't mean for her to hear, he mumbled, "He would die for you, Bella."

I looked at Bella to then, and was interested to see her reaction; she did indeed hear him, and the smile slowly slipped from her face.

Her momentary fugue was forgotten as Jacob returned with her beer, and she spent the next few minutes chatting with them about inconsequential things. Some of the Forks kids wandered over, relaxed now that it didn't look like a fight was going to break out anytime soon.

"Hey Jacob," Mike Newton said, raising his hand for a fist-bump. I was surprised they knew each other, until I saw Jacob's thoughts replaying a memory of Mike, Bella, and Jacob at the movies, where apparently Mike had gotten got sick and had to leave early. Jacob had thought Mike was a wimp, and had a good laugh at his expense; but to appease Bella, Jacob met Mike's fist bump, though he used a bit more force than was really necessary, and Mike tried to hide his painful wince.

Had I not been angry at their presence and their interruption of my conversation with Bella, I might have laughed.

The rest of the night continued on in an uncomfortable truce; one of the two Quileute's was always at Bella's side, and anyone who looked at our group could see the tension that radiated from Jacob whenever I would talk to Bella.

Alice and I stood mostly on the periphery, watching Bella interact with the Quileute's and her other friends. The energy and happiness that Alice was clearly feeling earlier in the evening was now subdued, and she was starting to fidget. I knew she didn't like not having use of her gift, and while she knew these two boys were no danger to us, she didn't like being blind.

At about 12:30, the yard had gotten noticeably less crowded, and by 1am at least half the guests had left. Bella, who had stopped drinking after Jacob gave her that last beer, was beginning to look tired and yawned several times.

She was talking with a girl I didn't know, who was a year younger than her at school. They were joking about a TV series I had never heard of, and this too surprised me; Bella had never shown an interest in TV before.

As I watched her making silly hand gestures and laughing freely, I cataloged all the changes that had taken place since last fall. She had drastically changed in the past ten months, and this fact again caused me regret and anguish; but it also gave me satisfaction and a glimmer of happiness: she was having those human experiences and living a life, even if I might disapprove of some of her behavior and some of the choices she was making.

I reminded myself, though, that 'choice' was the operative word. It was her choice, her life. The days of me trying to make decisions for her were over; I had tried, and it had turned out absolutely disastrously, for both of us. I would endeavor to never do so again.

And if her choices were not something I approved of, well then I would just have to learn to live with them.

So despite the negative turn that the party had taken, and the abbreviated time I got to spend with her, I counted the evening as a success. She had talked with me, civilly, and had even joked with me a bit. And while she had not said 'yes' to seeing me tomorrow, she had not said 'no' either.

It wasn't much, but I would take it.

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**A/N - Thanks again for your reviews! Sorry if I didn't respond to some of the**m.


	17. Chapter 17 - Whispers

**A/N - Sorry this one is a bit late. This was a very hard chapter to write, and I found myself wishing for a beta!**

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**Chapter 17 - Whispers**

The party continued on without any more drama, and as the keg ran low and the hour approached two a.m., people began leaving en-masse. Many were inebriated, but I was happy to see that most made an attempt at adhering to 'designated driver' conduct, so I suspected that everyone would get home safely.

I watched with amusement as a flustered Lee Stevens tried, with increasing frustration and little success, to remove a pair of passed-out frat boys from his living room floor. Eventually, someone suggested using water to wake them, and thus several cups were dumped on their heads, and as they spluttered and stumbled their way out of the house, they were shoved into the backseat of an SUV that tore-away from the curb before the doors were even shut.

Bella said goodnight to her friends, and I was annoyed when Jacob Black gave her an extra long hug and a kiss on the corner of her mouth. She swatted him away playfully, waved to Embry, and then turned to face me. She looked into my eyes, before exhaling slowly, and then nodding her head as if I had just asked her a question. "Tomorrow. Come by at 11ish."

Despite her neutral tone, my face broke into the crooked grin I knew she used to love, and I was thrilled when I saw her lips quiver and her eyes sparkle, as if she was fighting a smile. I was going to see her tomorrow!

"Tomorrow, then. Elevenish. Goodnight, Bella," I teased, keeping my distance from her despite my raging desire to kiss her soft lips. My hand actually twitched at my side, longing to reach for her, but I kept it firmly in-place.

I smiled politely at Angela and nodded at Ben, and made a quick exit, avoiding the longing looks being thrown my way by some of the girls. I watched as Bella leaned-on Alice as they walked towards the Porsche, where they proceeded to buckle-in and drive away a few seconds later.

I ran slightly behind the car, inside the edge of the forest, following the girl's back to Bella's house. When they arrived, they both got out of the car. Alice walked around to the passenger side and gave Bella a hug and softly kissed her cheek. "I really had fun tonight, Bella. Thank you for inviting me," Alice said.

Bella smiled, said goodnight to her, and then surprised us both as she turned and waved vaguely at the tree-line, as if she knew that I was hiding there. I couldn't help chuckling, and watched with fondness and love as Bella stumbled her way to the front door, turned the key in the lock and disappeared inside her house.

I waited for a few moments until I heard her making her way upstairs, and when the sound of running water reached my ears, I turned away and ran for home. I wanted to stay near her, but resisted the strong temptation since it was not my patrol night and I wanted some time alone with my thoughts. Plus, I knew the Wolves would be keeping a tight watch over her house, especially after the events of the afternoon, and I didn't relish encountering any of them tonight.

I ran home, enjoying the feel of the wind in my face and the sensation of passing like a wraith through the darkened forest. A light mist was falling, causing the cool night air to form condensation and become foggy, shrouding parts of the forest in deep clouds of grey. The effect was somehow disturbing, even menacing, as if hidden things were waiting in the fog to snatch anyone foolish enough to venture too far into the mysterious wood.

I laughed at my metaphor, knowing that nothing hidden in the fog could ever be more dangerous than me.

When I reached my home, I ran through the front door at vampire speed. I was not surprised to see Jasper downstairs, waiting for Alice's pending arrival; I knew they had some alone time planned for tonight. I smiled at my brother as I raced up to my room, and his thoughts were amused at my excited behavior. It reminded him of last spring, and how I had acted when I first realized I was falling for Bella, and how my emotions had run the gamut from elation to despair.

As I entered my room, I could not help but hear the sounds of romantic coupling coming from Rosalie and Emmett's room below me. I kept my mind focused away from their nocturnal activities, and did my best to ignore their grunts and breathy words of love and passion.

My mind reached out across the house, and I found Esme and Carlisle sitting quietly in their own bedroom, where they talked in hushed voices. Even when I was doing my best to ignore them, my super-sensitive hearing picked-up their quiet whispers.

I did not let their words register with me, however. They floated across my consciousness, but I diligently did my best not to let them penetrate my thinking. This was a courtesy that we all practiced, and which our close-living demanded; otherwise, we would spend much of our time as inadvertent voyeurs. Privacy in this house was illusionary, but we all pretended that it existed.

As the events of the party ran through my head, I slowly undressed, placing my clothes into the hamper in my bathroom. I changed into soft pants and a loose-fitting shirt, and turned the lights off, plunging the room into almost total darkness, the only illumination coming from the glowing dials of my expensive audio equipment.

I chose a CD from my collection, and placed it gently into my stereo, turning the volume to a sufficient level that it would drown out all other sounds in the house. However, just as I hit 'play' on the CD player, I could not help but overhear Esme mentioning Bella's name, which jarred through my defenses and registered in my mind. I knew that no matter how long I lived, the sound of her name would always capture my attention.

Clenching my teeth, I tried to refocus my mind away from their discussion, but I sensed that Carlisle's thoughts were once-again guarded. Out of all the members of my family, he had the most experience at blocking his thoughts from me; and one of the ways he did this was to keep his mind rigidly focused on one topic, as opposed to our normal vampiric thinking which allowed us to maintain several independent thought lines at once.

I was tempted to confront him immediately, and demand that he tell me what he was keeping to himself; if it was about Bella, I needed to know. I had that right, as her mate.

Didn't I?

I stopped myself from marching down to see him, my hand already clutching the door handle. My mind was racing with uncertainty.

Was I still her mate? What was our status?

I didn't know.

With an angry snarl, I turned back and threw myself roughly onto the couch. Using the stereo remote control, I turned the volume higher, trying to drown out everything, including my own dark thoughts.

I decided that I would not confront Carlisle tonight; he was going to be busy at the hospital re-integrating himself with the staff, so I didn't expect him to have very much time with Esme. I owed him his privacy and his alone-time with his wife; I would speak with him in the morning.

The night passed slowly; I tried to relax, the soft strains of Handel's Water Music washing over me with its sweet orchestral swells and gentle melodies. At around 5am, I heard Carlisle moving around downstairs, getting himself dressed and ready for his day. His thoughts were still closed-off, as he ran through his patient load and various administrative tasks he had to perform now that he had returned to the hospital.

I walked downstairs at human-speed, my hand resting lightly on the railing. I watched through Carlisle's mind as he quietly left his bedroom, his thoughts still centered on the hospital. I was beginning to feel a general disquiet, as I knew that he was purposefully concealing something. An unusual feeling in my stomach was forming, making me anxious and uncertain.

Uneasy.

As I neared the bottom of the steps, I had to force myself to keep moving, going forward. For some reason my subconscious was screaming at me to turn back-around, to go back upstairs, to avoid Carlisle. My brain was acting sluggishly, in full-avoidance mode.

'_Danger!_ ' it screamed at me, though I refused to focus on the reason for my fear.

As I entered the kitchen, my movements were haltingly slow, and I felt like I was running on auto-pilot. I watched as Carlisle made his way to the large key-rack, removing the keys to his Mercedes. He knew I was there, but he didn't turn around to acknowledge me. His thoughts were completely locked-down, and a feeling of dread washed over me, stronger than before.

Something was very wrong.

I knew, deep inside, and with a certainty that had my muscles clamping-down in fear, that he had bad news to share with me.

With me, in particular.

My mind tried to come-up with a hundred rationalizations as to what could be wrong; maybe someone he knew had died? Maybe someone suspected us of being vampires? Maybe the Volturi were coming to kill us?

Despite the myriad fantasies my mind spun for me, when I saw him walk woodenly across the kitchen before stopping and looking at me with sad eyes, I knew what – or rather, who – this was going to be about.

Bella.

I knew. Rationally, I had known since yesterday, when he first closed his thoughts from me. I knew, but I had not wanted to believe.

I had strongly suspected that he would not have been able to resist looking at Bella's records when he went to the hospital yesterday, and that the gossip between nurses and doctors would have made their way to his sensitive ears; and that this determined wall he had put-up since last night was to keep me from learning something that would disturb the fraying threads of my sanity and control.

Carlisle's steady eyes were weighing me, and I recognized the flicker in them that told me the precise moment that he realized I knew what he was going to be saying next.

Carlisle took a deep breath, and his expression morphed into one of ancient sadness. Alarm bells were ringing in my head, my intuition flaring, screaming at me that something was very, very wrong with Bella; but even though I knew otherwise, my heart and head were praying to a God that I no longer believed in, hoping I was completely off-base.

_Please God, please God, please God_. I prayed for Him, and for his mercy; He, who I believed had forsaken me long ago. But at this point I would reach desperately for anything that could grant me a moment's respite, that could hold-back the awful doom that Carlisle's words might make all too real for me.

We stared at each other wordlessly for a long moment. Finally, not able to stand the stillness any longer, I forced my frozen jaw to work. "Is something wrong with Bella?" I whispered, my eyes pleading with him to tell me everything was fine.

Carlisle let his eyes drift closed, before opening them and looking at me with a tortured look of sorrow and defeat.

"Tell me," I choked, needing to know but still desperately hoping that there was nothing, that everything was fine, that the world was not crumbling to dust, that my existence was not coming to an end.

Carlisle turned, and walked over to the kitchen counter, and leaned over, resting on his elbows. He was staring out the back window, his thoughts now peaceful, resigned. His manner frightened me, and I locked my muscles down, preparing for the worst.

With a soft sigh, Carlisle prepared to speak out-loud, instead of answering me in his thoughts like he often does. He knew that Esme would overhear us, but I suspected that she must have already known what he would say. Carlisle rarely kept anything from Esme, as sharing everything with your mate was the norm in the vampire world. The only exceptions I knew of were Alice – who occasionally kept things from Jasper because knowing beforehand might change the future – and myself, who had frequently withheld information from Bella, based on my twisted belief basis that she did not need to know about things that might upset her.

Carlisle's rich tenor, though moderated and quiet, still thundered in my ears when he finally spoke. "Edward, I care very deeply for Bella, and when I arrived at the hospital yesterday I fully intended on respecting her privacy." He paused for a moment, and I could see renewed sadness flood his chiseled features. "But unfortunately, when the Hospital Director gave me my current patient files, the Head-Nurse had Bella's file transferred to me. She had remembered that I was her attending physician when she came back to Forks after the Phoenix incident, so she assumed that I would be her doctor once again."

Carlisle paused for a breath that he did not need, and then dragged his eyes away from the window, locking his gaze with mine. "Her file was even thicker than it was before we left; apparently she had visited the emergency room several times over the winter, including visits for suspected malnutrition, and a recommendation for a psychological consult."

I choked back a sob at this, knowing I was the cause, but I did not break his gaze or interrupt him.

"But one incident stood-out, and was highlighted with a red sticky-tag: apparently, she received a fairly severe concussion, that occurred close on the heels of another, smaller concussion that had taken place in late February. That second concussion occurred in March. About two months ago."

The words hung in the air for a minute, as I remembered the memory I had seen of Bella crying in Charlie's arms; the spring thaw had started, so the timing seemed to be about right.

Two months ago.

A whisper of fear licked at my spine, as I knew well the dangers of multiple, concurrent concussions and how very serious that could be. Anything to do with head trauma...

Picturing my beautiful Bella with a brain injury, her beautiful brown eyes vacant and empty, sent a jolt through my body. A feeling that I imagined felt like nausea in humans rolled through me, and my knees felt suddenly weak. Not since I had run to the ballet studio and seen a battered Bella lying in a pool of her own blood and her leg sticking out at a crazy angle, had I felt an emotion like this.

I was dimly aware of the absolute silence – in both thought and sound – that permeated the house. All thoughts were now focused in on us. Trepidation and fear hung heavy in the air.

Carlisle looked at me carefully, and then continued speaking in a low voice. "Bella was very dizzy upon admission, and could not pass a routine post-trauma concussion test, so they ordered a full neurocognitive assessment, blood and urine tests, and CT scan."

I nodded, motioning for him to continue. This was all fairly standard for serious concussion.

"During the CT test, the technician noticed several abnormalities which were later seen and confirmed by the Radiologist."

I gasped, my hand coming to my throat. "What abnormalities?" I hissed. My voice was barely there, a tortured whisper.

"Brain aneurisms. Five of them," he answered, his voice flat.

My mind went blank for a fleeting moment, before a roaring noise began to build in my ears and head. I could barely focus on the terrible words Carlisle continued to utter.

"The Radiologist immediately noticed them of course, and based on her symptoms – severe headache, dizziness, nausea - was worried that one of them was leaking or fully ruptured. As you know, a ruptured aneurism can be deadly, and early response is critical in saving the patient. He ordered a lumbar fluid test to further assess the possible rupture- not a very pleasant procedure for Bella - but they determined, thankfully, none of them had yet ruptured."

The word 'yet' echoed in my head. I felt disconnected from my body, unsure of what was happening around me. All I could hear were the terrible words.

Carlisle looked at me steadily, perhaps gauging my sanity, before continuing: "But the test confirmed the initial findings of the CT scan: the aneurism's were very, very large."

I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, trying in vain to concentrate on the feel of the air leaving my lungs. Trying to keep myself from falling over, as I leaned heavily against the door frame.

Brain aneurism. Five of them.

_Oh, Bella._

Even as I found myself gripped by the blackest despair I had ever known, my mind dispassionately cataloged all that it knew about aneurisms. Ruptured aneurism's caused brain damage or death in almost fifty-percent of cases. Larger aneurisms - or cases of multiple smaller ones that were deeply embedded - had a higher incidence of causing death or irreversible brain damage. Each year there was a certain percentage – maybe a two to three percent chance - that any one of them would rupture. And unlike a dice throw, every year that passed without a rupture increased the odds of them rupturing later.

My legs felt rubbery under me, and I was barely aware of Carlisle walking over to me and putting his hand on my shoulder. The roaring in my ears continued, and I heard his voice as if it was travelling down a long tunnel. "She was referred to a specialist in Seattle, and only brief notes were in the local file. They did a full cerebral angiogram and workup there. The results were not good, and the general prognosis was poor."

"Go on," I whispered. By now, all feeling in my body was gone. I was completely and utterly numb.

Carlisle nodded, his eyes sad, the venom in his eyes shining. "Apparently, of the five aneurisms, two are very large and located deep in the brain, behind her left and right eyes. They are both inoperable, and are close to the areas that control some of her autonomic functions."

I let out a choking-sob, unable to keep my cries in and longer, and began to topple over. Carlisle pulled me into an embrace, holding me upright, and offering what comfort he could.

_Inoperable. Inoperable. Inoperable_. The word echoed in my head, like a reflection in an all-glass shower, showing an endless corridor of glass walls vanishing into the distance.

I sobbed for an indeterminate amount of time, thoughts of doom and destruction and blackness and death spiraling over me, taking me under, drowning me in a black pit. Whatever was left of my soul was shredding, and I wanted to curse and rave and destroy.

If there had been a way to end my existence right then and there, I would have taken it without any hesitation.

At that moment, I hated everything and everyone. I cursed my existence, and I cursed God, taunting him, willing him to strike me dead. I cursed humans, for having such frail and untrustworthy bodies. I cursed Isabella Swan for moving to Forks and making me love her. I cursed Renee Dwyer for giving birth to her. I cursed Carlisle, and my family, and my parents for ever conceiving me.

I cursed every single thing I had ever known or admired or loved, as I drowned in misery and darkness.

I struggled against Carlisle, but he held me tightly to him, not letting me go, my feeble attempts at dis-lodging his arms coming to nothing.

Coming to nothing. Just like my wretched existence.

I don't know how long I cried; it could have been minutes, or hours. My eyes burned, the venom in them stinging but never falling. Eventually, though, I felt tranquil waves beating at me, and I realized that Jasper must be home and I was feeling his gift working on my battered emotions.

When I finally calmed myself down enough to be coherent, Carlisle leaned back from me. "Edward? Do you want to rest? Do you want to wait a while?" he asked gently.

"No. Tell me all of it," I whispered harshly. It could not get any worse, I thought bleakly. Right? What could be worse than two inoperable aneurisms in her brain, knowing she could - and probably would - drop dead at any moment?

Carlisle's voice was soft. "Of the three other aneurism's, two are operable. One of them is near her brain stem, and will be treated with a standard coil. This is less invasive than a clip, and though it will limit some of her future activities, it should be a permanent solution. The surgery will probably be performed after graduation."

"The other operable one is small, and will probably be coiled as well; however, I am going to recommend that she be treated in Vancouver, under my care: stent treatments are less invasive and will be a better option for her than coils, but this treatment is not yet available in this country and is expensive. But I think Chief Swan will be agreeable to this option."

"And the fifth one? " I asked, my voice broken.

"The fifth aneurism is moderately sized, and is in a very difficult position. For now, medication is all she needs for it, but perhaps gamma knife surgery might be considered later on. Again, very expensive, and certainly not covered by their insurance, but I think Charlie will accept any charity if it helps Bella."

I nodded, knowing that Carlisle was right. He looked at me steadily, before continuing. "And the two big ones, of course, are being treated aggressively with medication as well." He tried to sound a positive note at the end, but his thoughts didn't lie. The situation was very bad.

I slumped sideways, my hand tightening on the door frame which I had pulled myself up-on and was now leaning against. The wood was not up to the task of withstanding my hand, and crumbled under the pressure I was exerting.

"What are her chances?" I asked, my voice flat, dead. Had it ever been alive? Only with Bella.

Carlisle's face turned grim. "I don't like to quote odds; but assuming the two smaller ones are successfully treated – and 'smaller' is a relative term – they are still fairly large and deep, so the surgery will have some risk – then there is probably a ten or fifteen percent chance that one of the large ones will burst within a year, and the chances increase each year, jumping to almost forty percent by year three, and getting progressively worse after that."

My legs wobbled, and if not for Carlisle I would have slumped to the ground.

The awful truth was at last revealed: Bella had ticking time-bombs inside her head.

I looked up, and Esme was there, taking me into her arms. I was only peripherally aware of Emmett and Rosalie entering the kitchen, clutching each other, and Alice's sobs reaching me from somewhere else in the house.

And then I was unaware of anything but my sobs and the roaring in my head, the grief and blackness taking me again.

At some point later, I felt Jasper's calmness infusing the room, like a cool mist soothing a raging burn.

My entire family was gathered in the kitchen, all looking at the pathetic sight of me dying and shriveling-up inside.

They were not much better; Emmett looked heartbroken. Alice and Jasper clutched each other. Even Rosalie looked upset.

Carlisle looked at the sad faces of our family, and stood himself to his full height. "Family meeting" he said quietly, his mouth set in a grim line. I felt myself being pulled into the dining room, where I sat, dejected and broken, in my chair as the somber faces of my family joined me.

Carlisle looked at the faces of our gathered family, his eyes finally resting on mine. "I know some of you heard what I was saying to Edward, and I want everyone in the family to know what is going on with Bella."

In a lecturing tone, Carlisle outlined what he had told me: that Bella had suffered a fairly serious head-trauma in March, and was exhibiting classic concussive symptoms. So, as a precaution, a CT scan was done to assess the extent of the concussion.

During the scan, it was discovered she had a series of large aneurisms.

"What does that exactly mean?" Emmett interrupted. He knew it was something serious, as he too was affected by the grim details Carlisle had revealed, but he was murky on the exact mechanics of it.

With his 'professional' tone, Carlisle answered Emmett. "A cerebral aneurism is, quite simply, a swelling of a blood vessel in the brain. Millions of people have very small ones, and can go through life without any complications from them. But when they get larger, and burst, the resultant swelling and bleeding often causes brain damage or death, especially if the patient is not in or near a hospital when the bleeding begins. Some aneurisms are so large that when they burst a patient can be dead in under twenty minutes, and in general, about fifty percent of people who suffer a subarachnoid hemorrhage die, and over sixty percent suffer permanent neurological deficit. The rate of death is higher for aneurism's larger than one inch. And two of the five in Bella's brain are bigger than one inch." His voice was very tight, and Esme was holding back her sobs.

I wanted to laugh with insanity at the cruel hand of fate that was dealt to this my Angel. What had poor, sweet Isabella Swan done to deserve such cruel and harsh treatment at the hands of the world? Was she being punished for loving me? I felt the numbness creeping back into me, and despite Jasper's gift I felt myself on the verge of losing it.

"Can she be treated?" Rosalie asked quietly. I was shocked from my stupor, stunned at her subdued manner and her concern. Her thoughts showed nothing but genuine concern and worry for Bella.

"Treatment options have expanded greatly in the last twenty years, and many aneurism's can indeed be treated. The most common treatment now is 'coiling' of the vessel, using tiny metal bands. There are also newer treatments available in Canada and Europe – but not yet here in the US – that use stents and are capable of permanently fixing the problem, and are less invasive than opening part of the patient's skull, which used to be the norm when clipping the swollen vessel."

"OK, so she can be treated then, right?" asked Emmett, hopefully.

Carlisle grimaced. "Only two of the aneurisms in her brain can be treated. Possibly the third, though perhaps Gamma Knife therapy would be required, and that is a very expensive option."

Alice interrupted, saying,"Not a problem. I will make sure Bella's name will be accepted into an experimental donor program that will treat her in Seattle. It won't be tied to us, and Charlie will not look too carefully into the program's background."

Carlisle nodded at Alice, but Emmett interrupted whatever he was going to say. "Well, then? What about the two big ones? Can anything be done for them?" Emmett asked, the anxiety in his voice making it tremble.

For a moment, Carlisle didn't say anything, and Emmett's features darkened, his hopeful demeanor slipping away. Carlisle folded his hands in front of him, and then answered."Unfortunately, the other two lie very deep in her brain. They are not treatable with surgery."

"So what does that mean? What does that mean for Bella?" Emmett was angry, his voice rising, his brow furrowing in anger. This was an opponent he could not fight with his strength, and his impotence frustrated him. He was used to being the protector of the family and he saw Bella as his little sister. He was powerless against this enemy though, and he was railing against the harsh reality that there was nothing he could do to help her.

Carlisle's eyes turned to stare downwards at the wooden table."There is a chance – perhaps as great as ten of fifteen percent - that one of them will burst within a year. That likelihood will increase each year, approaching fifty percent by year four or so. After that…," his voice trailed off, the implications clear.

"What happens when they burst?" Emmett asked in a small voice, the anger gone, now sounding very much like a scared teenage boy.

I knew what Carlisle was going to say, but hearing the words cut me like a thousand blades. "Given the proximity to the areas of her brain that control her autonomic functions - breathing, metabolism, heart functions - the probability is high that she will die."

One of my greatest fear's was realized then: Bella was not going to get a long, happy human life.

As the news sunk-in to everyone's thoughts, the reactions around the table were almost uniform. Esme sobbed, her hand going to her mouth as she tried to stifle her cry of anguish. Alice looked miserable, and sunk into Jasper's embrace, her blank eyes staring at nothing. Emmett's fist was clenched again, and his whole body was vibrating. Rosalie rubbed his shoulders, trying to calm him, but she too looked sad and haunted.

I could hear in Jasper's thoughts that he was losing control of the emotional climate of the room, so what came next didn't surprise me.

"Goddamnit!" yelled Emmett, standing up, his enormous frame shaking with rage. "You fucked-up Edward! We should not have left her! You should have changed her! SHE SHOULD ALREADY BE ONE OF US!" he thundered at me, the enormous volume of his shout causing the chandelier above us to vibrate dangerously.

His face was contorted, and he looked like he wanted to hit me. Rosalie was trying to restrain him, and I felt Jasper's gift again pushing against us, sending massive amounts of calm and lethargy into Emmett.

After a tense moment, Emmett collapsed back in his chair, his hands running through his hair, his face defeated. No one had ever seen Emmett so forlorn before, his normal unquenchable spirit and good-humor completely spent. "She doesn't deserve this," he mumbled. "Not Bella."

The only sounds in the room were the quiet cries and sobs of my family, but then everyone was shocked to stillness again when Rosalie's soft voice interrupted our mourning. "Does she still want to be a vampire?"

The words hung in the air, tantalizing me with their promise and allure. The fact that they came from Rosalie - the one person who would have most resented me for changing her - made the moment all the more surreal.

All eyes turned to Alice, whose face went blank for a moment. She was scanning possible futures, and I sifted through her mind, trying to find one – any single one – where Bella was a vampire. Most were just fuzzy impressions, vague outlines or faint whispers of half-formed futures where too many decisions had still to be made to give any clues about their substance.

But in none of the thousands of glimpses of possible futures that ran through her mind could I see a red or golden-eyed Bella; certainly none of the visions showed the startling clarity of Alice's vision of the prior spring, which showed a newborn Bella holding Alice in her cold embrace.

Oh, how I longed for that vision to return!

"I don't know," Alice finally admitted. "Her futures are all very vague – like she is living from moment to moment and not making any clear plans."

Several things suddenly clicked-into place for me. Bella's new attitudes, behaviors, and demeanor could be explained by her knowing that she had only a limited time left to live. A carefree, devil-take-all, day-to-day style of living seemed to be Bella's response to the devastating news that – barring some miracle – she would not reach the age of twenty-five.

"But she wanted to be a vampire before," Esme said hopefully, looking from Alice to me.

"Yes," said Alice, sadness radiating from her words: "but that must have changed now that she is not with Edward. If she still wanted it, I should be able to see her as one of us."

Everyone absorbed this quietly. Alice spoke again, quieter than before. "I think, for Bella, it was more about her wanting forever with Edward, as opposed to actively wanting to be a vampire. I think she looked at that as a necessary cost, not as an actual desire," Alice said, her wise words sinking deep into my mind, echoing the same thing Bella had told me many times before.

Fool that I was, I didn't listen to her then.

And, though I was listening now, it might be too late.

Everyone turned to me, and I forced myself to speak. "It's true," my voice came out in a hoarse whisper, cracked and withered and sounding like the 107 year-old man that I was. "Bella had a real fear of growing older. She thought that I wouldn't want her when she looked a lot older than me. She obsessed about it, and we used to have argue about it frequently." I choked back another sob, wishing for an opportunity to just go back and do it all over again.

Despite the grief wracking me, I forced myself to continue. "And I think Bella worried that when she was dead and gone, that I would just go on my merry way, living forever without her. I told her she was absurd, and that I would always want her, and that her aging would never make me change the way I felt about her."

There was silence at the table, as everyone digested my words. Again, I was surprised when Rosalie spoke up, her words cutting through the silence. "She was right, you know. It would never have really worked."

Coming from Rosalie, the person who knew Bella least and was always scornful of her, this statement bothered me greatly. "What do you mean, Rosalie" I snapped, my voice becoming cold. Rosalie had always thought it would be a tragedy for Bella to be turned, and she hated the turmoil she brought into her life.

Rosalie met my hard stare, but didn't raise her voice. "Think about it, Edward. What would you have done when she was thirty? Or forty? How would you have gone out in public together? Would you have pretended to be her son?"

I had heard this argument from Bella before, and my answers were ready. Too ready, my subconscious argued. But I repeated them, as if by rote. "That wouldn't matter. I wouldn't care what anyone thought," I said stubbornly.

Rosalie laughed grimly at me. "Oh, really? You wouldn't care? You mean, like you never cared when people like Mike Newton had fantasies about Bella? Or maybe like you never cared when those jealous bitches Lauren and Jessica thought terrible things about Bella? Hmm?"

Rosalie's voice grew in volume, her anger breaking through. "Do you think she was blind to your grimaces and your clenched fists and your rigid posture Edward? Your grinding teeth and angry glares? Hmm? Well, don't kid yourself Edward. You hated when people thought negative things about Bella, and she knew it. She wasn't blind! But she was too gracious and shy to say anything to you!" she spat at me.

Again Jasper calmed the room, but Rosalie was apparently just getting started. She rose from her seat, her finger pointing at me accusingly. "And you accuse me of being selfish? You arrogant prick! You said you didn't care what people thought, that it was OK with you if people thought that a forty-year old Bella holding your hand looked ridiculous? Well, guess what, you asshole! What if Bella cared what people thought? What if she cared about people looking at her and scoffing when she saw the two of you holding hands or kissing and she looked old enough to be your mother? What if Bella cared that she would have to lie to her parents about you, pretending you didn't exist because she couldn't let them see you when you didn't age? What if Bella cared when she had to live her life on the sidelines, watching as we left her behind every week or two to hunt, watching as old age and infirmities slowed her down and crippled her? What if Bella cared when we had to move every few years, so she couldn't put down any roots? What if Bella cared that she would never belong fully to the human world or the vampire world, always living life in the middle? What about that, Edward? What the fuck about that?" She was spitting mad, her voice piercing and loud.

The room was deathly still, everyone in shock at her outburst. She shook her head in disgust, sitting back down and lowering her voice. "With her low self-esteem, don't you think she would have cared about looking like your grandmother, Edward? Or are you too damn selfish and stubborn to see it? It would never have worked. You would have killed her a little every day by leaving her human." Rosalie finished with steel in her voice, leaving everyone in stunned silence and disbelief.

A full minute passed before she started speaking again, now in a soft voice. "I never hated Bella," she admitted, all the fight gone from her. "I was terrible to her, but it was never her that I hated. How could you really hate anyone as sweet and harmless as Bella Swan?" She reached for Emmett's hand, clutching it to her breast. "I hated the fact that she wanted to give up her humanity to be with us. And I hated the fact that, if Edward never changed her, our family would lose Edward when she eventually died. And I knew when that happened, it would devastate Esme and Carlisle so much, that we would never be whole again," her voice trailed off into a quiet whisper laden with sadness and grief, her bottom lip quivering as she tried to hold in her tears.

I stared at Rosalie, my mind roiling at her confession.

Clearly, I had underestimated Rosalie. I had always thought her bitterness towards Bella was based in jealousy. I never understood her real motivations at all.

What else had I missed?

I looked around the room, the thoughts of my family hammering at me; it seemed they all agreed with Rose. They too thought that the only long-term solution for Bella and I to be together was to change her. They had known this all along.

The only one who hadn't was me.

They were right, I was selfish. And a fool. And I deserved every single ounce of pain I felt right now.

What had I done? I held my head in my hands, rocking myself, the despair and self-loathing I felt radiating out into the room, stunning Jasper with its intensity. And despite his best efforts to mask it, I felt like I was going to drown in my grief.

I was burning inside. And through the quiet sobs of my family, one truth rang clearly through my head.

Unless she was changed, Bella was going to die.

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**A/N - Whew! Heavy chapter to write. Next up - Edward goes to see Bella.**

**Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed!**


	18. Chapter 18 - Confessions

**A/N - Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and special thanks to those faithful readers who continue to review! My apologies if I didn't reach all of you!**

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**Chapter 18 - Confessions**

The next few hours passed in a blur to me, as my emotions were so strong that I could not focus on anything beyond my own pain; I was, however, peripherally aware that eventually my family left the dining room, where I was left alone with my misery.

After a time, my body was twitching, a strange anxiety running through me. I was desperate for action - I needed something to do, some task to accomplish, some foe to vanquish - but I could not think of anything that would bring relief. I laughed to myself, the cackle of someone near his breaking-point when I realized what I needed - a distraction.

The irony was rich, and my maniacal laughter turned into choking sobs. Never in my 107 years had I felt as impotent as I did at that moment: knowing that the reason for my existence could be taken from me at any moment, with little to no warning at all. And that if I was not able to convince her to let me change her into a vampire, that I would soon be forever separated from her.

I looked-up at the wall clock, surprised to see that it was not yet nine a.m. I had exchanged a few words with Esme and Carlisle, before they both left the house a few hours earlier. I knew Carlisle was heading to the hospital, but I didn't know where Esme went. My other siblings had retreated to their rooms, but I knew that Emmett and Jasper were going to be patrolling our perimeter today.

I was surprised and grateful when Rosalie and Alice had volunteered to take my patrol shift, which had been scheduled for this afternoon. If Bella was receptive, and would let me stay, this would give me more time with her.

Time with her that I most desperately needed.

When 11a.m. finally rolled-around, I raced to my room, and changed my clothes at vampire speed, before heading to Bella's in my car. I was barely hanging on to my sanity at that point, and I needed to concentrate to avoid crushing the steering wheel to bits.

I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. I was fighting a multitude of emotions; fear - for her life from a brutal death at the hands of a vengeful vampire army; hope - that I could repair our relationship; despair - knowing that her illness could kill her at any moment, no matter what precautions we or the Wolves took.

I wondered which of the Wolves knew about Bella's condition; I was fairly certain Jacob Black did, so I estimated that, because of their shared pack-mind, they all knew of it. But if they did, they had done a fairly good job of not thinking about it.

I also knew that Bella didn't realize I knew of her illness; and I wasn't going to broach the subject - at least not right away - as I estimated we had a lot of talking to do about my actions last fall to cover first, and if we could not get past that, then I saw no way to gently discuss her chances for a human life.

But I knew I had to be calm; Bella was so perceptive, that if I didn't calm myself down she would know immediately that I was extremely agitated about something, and would want to know right away what I was hiding – and I was not quite ready to have a discussion with her about her mortality. Not while things lay unresolved between us.

I pulled-up at her house at 11:05 - close enough to '11ish' I guessed - and willed myself to relax. I was very nervous: yes, I had seen and spoken with Bella since my return, but this meeting was going to be different. I knew in my gut that the words I would speak today were going to be pivotal if I had any hope of salvaging _any_ sort of relationship with her, never mind winning back her heart.

_Baby steps_, I told myself.

With a mix of trepidation and eagerness, I walked-up her steps, listening to the soothing sounds of her heartbeat inside the house. My earlier depression seemed to take a back-seat now as my emotions spiked and my agitation and nerves increased. I rang her doorbell, trying to still my shifting feet and twitching hands. I had not felt this nervous since I had first started courting Bella, and I was surprised by the intensity of the emotion.

I listened to the bell ring throughout the house, and I heard Bella's footsteps coming from the kitchen towards the door, her heartbeat thudding in my ears, warming me to the tips of my toes.

The door opened, and there she stood in her radiant glory. She had her hair pulled back in a high ponytail, and her skin was fresh-scrubbed and clean. She wore a green shirt and a pair of white denim Capri's that ended mid-calf and revealed a sinful amount of her beautiful skin. She wore a pair of peep-toe sandals with a low heel, and I could have spent hours studying her beautiful calves and ankles and dainty toes.

She was so understatedly beautiful.

She smiled politely at me, and I detected a slight increase in her heart rate. But her eyes were careful.

"Hello, Bella," I said, the love I felt for her shining in my words and eyes.

"Hi Edward," she answered. I was thrilled to see a spot of color stain her porcelain cheeks, and I felt a thrill of happiness when she opened the door wider, inviting me in. "Umm, I am just finishing breakfast, if you don't mind sitting with me while I eat?" she asked me, tilting her head towards the kitchen.

I was very nervous, and was behaving like a boy on his first date. And she seemed nervous as well, very different from the confident girl from last night. I followed her to the kitchen, noticing her signature bowl of cereal on the table, next to a half filled glass of orange juice.

"No pop-tarts today?" I joked, smiling at her. Despite my earlier doom and gloom, I was thrilled to be in her presence again, and was trying to keep the mood light-hearted.

She chuckled, shaking her head and seating herself at the small kitchen table. I sat down across from her, remembering those precious days from last year when we spent countless mornings in these same chairs, as I would watch her eat her breakfast before taking her to school or, on the weekends, to my house or to our meadow.

The memory of those peaceful days resonated through me; they were some of the happiest moments of my existence, a balm to my shattered soul. How I wished I could have them again!

I settled-in and watched her eat, and she watched me watching her. She had an amused expression, and I could not help but smiling widely at her.

"What?" she asked, holding a spoonful of rice krispies near her mouth. "Am I drooling my milk or something?" she asked archly, the corner of her mouth twitching.

I couldn't help but laugh, the sound coming effortlessly, the feeling so freeing. "No, sorry Bella. It's just that I forgot how entertaining it was to watch you eat. I'm sorry, I won't stare so much. Scout's honor" I promised with a smile.

She snorted, and quietly ate the cereal while I glanced around the room, trying to be more circumspect in my blatant adoration of her. She caught onto my game quickly - with my less-than-stealthy glances from the corner of my eye – so I held up my hands in mock surrender when she laughed at me. "OK, you caught me again. Sorry," I confessed, laughing with her, and enjoying the easy routine that we fell right back into.

When she finished, she walked to the sink to rinse her bowl. I could not help but admire her figure, and how sumptuous her rear-end looked in the tight denim. She looked over her shoulder, more than aware that I was ogling her, and when I shrugged my shoulders sheepishly, she laughed at me, shaking her head.

After placing the bowl in the drying rack, she turned to face me. The smile slowly fell from her face, as our eyes locked, and despite knowing she was glad she could keep me out, I again cursed the fact of her silent mind.

Her shoulders had straightened, and her body language radiated tension. What was she thinking right now?

I knew that I had to speak, but suddenly everything I had rehearsed in my head - my carefully worded apologies, my speeches, all of it - seemed wrong.

So far, she seemed to respond pretty-well to light hearted banter. She was the same with Alice yesterday, and at the party as well. She seemed to want to avoid heavy topics, and if that's what she needed from me right now, I could try to keep it light for her.

I was going to have to go with my gut.

"Bella, thank-you for seeing me today. And thank-you for talking with me last night. I had quite an enjoyable time at the party," I said lightly, winking at her.

Her eyes opened a bit wider, as if she was surprised that I was not going to go right for the serious topics. But when I saw her body relax, I knew I had made the right call. "I think I shocked a few people when I showed up with Alice, and I think you finished them off when you turned up," she said with a small smile and a shake of her head.

I chuckled, my lips twitching in amusement. "You know Alice: always wants to make an entrance."

Bella smiled at me, and walked back over and sat down at the table. "So how long are you in town for?" she asked casually, but the small bite on her lower lip indicated to me that she was nervous. And she moved her hands under the table, another one of her old nervous habits; if she was still following her old character traits, she would be picking at her fingernails now.

I didn't want her to be nervous, but it seemed there was no avoiding this any longer. I met her questioning eyes, and tried to let all the love in my heart shine through for her to see. "As Alice told you yesterday, Bella, we are here for you. We will be here as long as you want us to be. If you ask us to leave, we will, as soon as Victoria and the newborns are handled."

Bella nodded thoughtfully, and turned to stare out her back window. She chewed her bottom lip, and her brow was furrowed in thought.

At least a minute of silence passed, but I did not break it. Bella was still gathering her thoughts, as I could always tell when she was working something through in her frustratingly silent mind.

Finally, though, she turned to me. "How bad is it? The newborns, I mean?" she asked quietly, finally taking her hands from her lap and placing them, folded, on the table.

I didn't want to lie to her. Not anymore. "It's pretty bad, Bella. We caught one yesterday, and he confirmed that we could be facing at least twenty, possibly more," I answered solemnly. "In fact, if not for the Wolves, I don't think we could handle them alone without losses."

Though her face didn't show it, this news upset Bella, as her heart rate increased and her pupils became slightly dilated. This was a sure sign of fear.

I did not want to upset her, but I was no longer going to sugar coat things for her either. She needed honesty from me if I was going to earn a place back in her life.

Bella nodded absently, turning her gaze back towards the window. "Thank you for telling me the truth, Edward. I know that sometimes you have trouble with that."

Though the words were spoken in a soft voice, they still cut deeply. "You are welcome Bella. I am not going to lie to you, never again."

I let the words hang in the air for a moment, before I started talking. "I am sorry Bella, so sorry. I tried to protect you; from the ugly truths of my world, from our monstrous natures, and from myself. But I know now that it wasn't my place to protect you from having knowledge about things that affected your life. Nor was it my place to take away your choices. I recognize that now, and would like a chance to regain your trust. "

My speech was short, but heartfelt. I watched with trepidation as my words registered with her, and I willed her with my eyes and posture to listen and believe in me.

The next few seconds passed with agonizing slowness; even with her face turned towards the window and only her profile open to my view, I watched as a myriad of emotions danced across her eyes and face.

She eventually turned back towards me, and her eyes met mine: I saw no curtain over her expression now, no wall.

I felt like I was, finally, seeing straight into her soul.

It felt like coming home.

As our gazes lingered, neither of us daring to breathe, a strange pulling sensation filled me; it was almost like something was tugging at me, drawing me into Bella's endless brown orbs, drowning in them. Never in my existence had I felt something like this: my ability to think was flipped-off, like someone turned a switch, and for a few seconds I was aware of nothing but Bella and her beautiful eyes boring straight into my heart.

When she finally let out a gasping breath, breaking the moment, I felt a sudden release of tension, and the trance I was in faded. But the memory remained, and I stared at Bella in awe. _Was that what it felt like to be dazzled_, I wondered?

She opened her mouth a few times, almost as if she was going to speak, but each time stopped herself. A tiny crease appeared between her brows, and I wanted nothing more in that moment than to lean over and kiss that tiny furrow away.

"It's hard to trust you, Edward," she said at last, breaking me from my reverie. "You left me with nothing except empty promises to stay away forever and cowardly words about how my memory would fade." She practically sneered this last sentence, and her face hardened right before my eyes, and I watched her fighting down her anger.

"Bella, I'm," I started to apologize, but she cut-me-off.

"No. Stop." She let out a long breath, and then fixed me again with her glare. "Explain it to me, Edward. Why you left, why you came back, and what exactly you want from me. No more useless apologies. They give me nothing."

I nodded, averting my eyes and looking at the table for a moment, before I again met her penetrating gaze and began to plead my case.

"Bella, when I first met you last year, I warred with myself for weeks about the rightness - the morality, if you will - of contaminating your life with my presence," I said, my voice earnest. When I saw her opening her mouth to interrupt me, I raised my hand to stop her. "I know, Bella - it's not my place to tell you what you do or do not deserve - I know that now - and I know you might argue about with me about what my existence is worth. But let's leave those questions to the side for now and let me answer your question as fully as I am able."

She tilted her head for a moment, before nodding in agreement.

"So, as I was saying - I wrestled with the question of what was right versus what I wanted. I am sure you remember it - it was that month when I ignored you, after the incident with Tyler's van. At that time, I saw myself as little more than a parasite; a monster unworthy of love from someone like yourself - someone with a soul. So it was very difficult for me to justify to myself that my pursuit of your affections was in any way, shape, or form proper or moral."

I folded my hands on the table in front of me, trying to keep the tension from my voice as I continued. "Despite my fears, I allowed myself to fall for you - and I fell hard, Bella. I didn't lie to you when I told you that vampires were essentially unchanging and that changes - when they do come - tend to be rather permanent. So the effect you had on my existence was profound, and life-altering. I won't belittle you by saying it wasn't the same for you - I have learned my lesson about underestimating you - but I knew I was bound to you and that would never change."

"And then, my worst fears came true. Within a day of meeting my family, we were suddenly being pursued by James and his coven. It was a nightmare come-true for me, and it reiterated to me that every single fear of mine was justified; that I had condemned you just by entering your life."

"I tried to convince you in the hospital, in Phoenix, to go to Jacksonville; but I saw what your reaction was, and you were too horribly injured for me to put any further stresses on you by insisting. I was secretly relieved by your wanting to return to Forks with me, but cursed my existence even more for my weakness."

"After Phoenix, I was on edge almost constantly. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I was constantly battling my twin desires: to ravish you and love you, and to drain you. When I tasted your blood in Phoenix, it made the monster inside of me more volatile than ever. It now knew what it was being denied, and I found that even a short amount of time away from you completely undid my work at desensitizing to you, and almost set me back to square one. I had to fight the blazing burn in my throat whenever we were together, and though I was relatively content, I never let my vigilance drop and was never able to fully reign in my desire to kill you."

Bella's eyes went wide at my confession, and this did not surprise me. Our summer had been idyllic, with lazy afternoons in our meadow and cozy evenings at my house listening to music or watching movies with my family. So for her to learn that all summer I was battling the urge not to kill her must have been extremely unsettling.

"So the summer went on, and I always waited for disaster to strike. And when it finally did, the night of your birthday, something broke inside me Bella."

I let my eyes fall to the table, and took a deep breath. When my gaze lifted, Bella had not moved. As I stared at her, she finally breathed out a question: "Why?" she asked shakily.

"Because I wanted to kill you that night Bella." I let the words settle-in, and I listened ruefully as her heart began to speed-up.

I had scared her again.

Shaking my head, I spoke in a softer voice, fighting to keep the tension out of it. "When I pushed you back out-of-the-way of Jasper, it was pure instinct. But what you don't know is only half of my instinct was to protect you: the other-half was the vampiric instinct screaming at me to protect my kill - that your blood belonged to me."

Again her eyes widened as she digested this information. I don't think she expected me to be so candid, but the time for lies and obfuscations was long past. I was letting Bella see all of me: every murderous desire and devious intent, every wart and mole, every festering and dark desire that haunted my depths.

I waited a moment before continuing. "This is common behavior in vampires Bella, which is why when we hunt everyone but the mated pairs split up. Except their mate, a vampire will always protect their kill with stunning ferocity. With human drinkers, the instinct is even more pronounced, but even in the 'civilized' covens we behave this way - we always guard our meals."

"When I took you home, I was so disgusted with myself. I wanted to run away, but you were stubbornly insistent that it was an accident, that it was no big deal, that I should let it go. You probably thought you were helping me, but your words did the opposite. It only brought home to me the realization that you were out of your depth - that you had no instinct for self-preservation, and that your willingness to forgive and forget was going to get you killed."

"I was nearly out of my mind when we got back to your house. I had not felt that wildly out of control since that first day when you walked into biology. So when we arrived back at your house and we kissed, the monster that I fight so hard to cage rose-up and nearly overwhelmed me. I wanted to ravish you right there on your front lawn, hard and fast and brutal, whether you wanted it or not. I had never felt a more animalistic desire for you than at that moment, and it took all my restraint for me not to tear off your clothes and take you, claiming you as mine even if you died during the claiming."

Bella's cheeks flushed hot, and I had no doubt she was remembering our heated kiss before I left her for the night; but her heart was also racing, and I could smell the stale scent of sweat that indicated fear.

Bella was afraid of me.

I felt shame, but forced myself to continue.

"When I left you that night, I knew then that I had two choices: either change you, or attempt to remove myself from your life to keep you safe. I had been fooling myself - there was no way that you could remain human and remain with me in the long run. Sooner or later, something would snatch you away from me -be it an outside force or my own animalistic nature - and I had no doubt that I would eventually accede to your wishes and change you. I knew that I was too weak, and I wanted you more than you can imagine."

"When I returned home, I flew into a rage. My family and I fought for hours, and I finally convinced them, using every trick I had and playing on their guilt and vulnerabilities, to leave you to live a human life without our monstrous interference."

We stared at each other for a long moment, as long overdue truths finally came out. Bella's bottom lip quivered, and her eyes were wide and shining.

I longed to reach over and take her hand, and I again felt that strange electricity arcing in the air between us. But I fought down the urge to comfort her, and continued with my dark confession.

"But Bella, even as I argued with everything I had that we had to leave, part of me was hoping that Carlisle or Esme would convince me to stay. I think, had Alice been there, that I would have folded. And I wish she had been, as so much suffering could have been averted."

I paused for a moment, watching Bella's eyes slowly morph into an expression of sadness and regret. I was expressing to her my deepest fears, my deepest desires, and my deepest insecurities, and my only solace, I thought to myself, was that she had not - as yet - run screaming.

I could still hope, therefore, when all was said and done, that she would still want me.

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**A/N – Part two of their conversation is already half-way written. Should be up in a few days.**


	19. Chapter 19 - New Beginnings

**A/N - Thank you for those of you that reviewed! Several reviews were long, and I appreciated them!**

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**Chapter 19 – New Beginnings**

_Previously:_

_"But Bella, even as I argued with everything I had that we had to leave, part of me was hoping that Carlisle or Esme would convince me to stay. I think, had Alice been there, that I would have folded. And I wish she had been, as so much suffering could have been averted."_

_I paused for a moment, watching Bella's eyes slowly morph into an expression of sadness and regret. I was expressing to her my deepest fears, my deepest desires, and my deepest insecurities, and my only solace, I thought to myself, was that she had not - as yet - run screaming._

_I could still hope, therefore, when all was said and done, that she would still want me._

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I leaned back in my chair, letting the weight of my words settle, and I waited patiently as Bella turned to look outside at the grey morning light.

I let my eyes wander over my beloved Bella, cataloging her beauty. She had a pensive look on, and I marveled at the grace and elegance of her profile. Her nose was delicate, small but fitting for her face, with a slight upwards curve at the end. A slight smattering of tiny, light freckles was barely visible across the upper bridge, and would have been invisible if her skin had been any darker.

I took in some of the other changes in her appearance. Her shoulders seemed straighter, with less slouch to them. Her hair was definitely longer and hung down her shoulders in long silky waves that entranced me and made me want to reach out my hands and run my fingers through them.

Eventually, she became aware of my blatant ogling of her, and she turned back to face me and raised one eyebrow in challenge.

"What?" she asked.

I shook my head, knowing I was caught again, but not caring. "Nothing, sorry."

She gave me a knowing smirk, folded her hands on the table and looked at me. I met her gaze, and our eyes held for a moment.

"What did you do while you were away, Edward?" she asked suddenly, startling me.

I took a deep breath, knowing I had to get everything out there now. "Well, when I left here, I knew I would not stay with my family. They were too upset at leaving you, and I knew that their anger at me and their thoughts of you would drive me crazy and make me weak. So I decided to track Victoria."

"What!?" Bella hissed in surprise. "Were you here in Forks the whole time then?" She gasped out.

I shook my head, wishing that it were true, that I had been here the whole time. Maybe then she would be in my arms right now. "No, Bella, I followed her trail, even though it was cold, and eventually picked it up far to the south. I tracked her as far as Texas. At that point though, she laid a false trail and I ended up in Rio, where all trace of her was lost."

"Oh," said Bella, nodding thoughtfully. Her brows scrunched-up, as she pondered my words.

I wanted to tell her the rest. "Jasper thinks it's likely that she ran into either Maria – Jasper's sire, who I have not told you much about – or someone else who gave her the idea of creating a newborn army. She must have also known someone was tracking her, hence the false trails. I believe she had another vampire take an article of her clothing and run it down to South America, touching trees and leaving traces for me to follow. When I got there, the trail just vanished."

She nodded at me, urging me to continue. I swallowed reflexively, as this part of my tale was pathetic, and sad, and I did not want to further upset her.

But it had to be told, so I pushed my shame away and continued. "I ended up holing-up in a rat infested attic in Rio, and basically laid there for about two months. Maybe longer – I am not sure, and I was almost delirious by that point. I hadn't fed, except for a few unlucky rats who came into the room with me, and if it is possible for vampires to go insane, then I think I was headed down that path, as I was hallucinating your presence towards the end."

Bella trembled at my words, and I saw her shiver once. She mumbled out something I don't think she meant for me to hear, but sounded like "I did that too."

I raised an eyebrow at her, not quite sure I had heard her correctly. "What do you mean by that, Bella?" I asked her, leaning forward in my chair to lessen the distance between us.

Bella stiffened though, and averted her eyes. "Nothing," she answered, not raising her gaze. "It's not important right now."

Frustrated, but bowing to her wishes, I continued my sad tale. "So I basically spent time in Rio, thinking of you, and wasting away. You were in my every thought: I could see your eyes when I looked at the night sky. I could see your hair on every brown haired girl who would stroll past the building I was in. I could hear your voice when the birds sang. You were everywhere Bella," I said quietly, watching her react to my words, watching her take my confession.

As I expected, she looked upset. Bella was always one to blame herself for someone else's misfortunes. With a slow, deliberate motion, she stood-up from the table and started pacing back and forth, muttering to herself so quietly that I could not understand what she was saying. Her brows were furrowed, and she looked very anxious.

I was not sure if she was angry with me, so I hurried to tell her the rest while I still had the chance. "I debated with myself all day, every day – fighting with the overwhelming urge to come back to you, and fighting the guilt about knowing how my existence and presence endangered you." I paused for a moment, and waited until she stopped her pacing and looked at me. "But Bella, as you can see, I am here – so my moral side lost the battle, and I came back to you. And if you allow me to stay, I will not ever leave you again."

Bella stared at me for a long second, before she started her slow pacing again. She kept this-up for several more minutes, and I did not interrupt her. She was obviously very deep in thought, with her nose wrinkled-up and the furrow between her eyebrows deeper than ever.

She suddenly stopped, and turned towards me, her brown eyes flashing. "Where do you get off, Edward?" Her voice was tight, and loud, and cracked at me like a whip. She was angry. And she wasn't finished. "What gives you the right to make decisions for me like I am a child? Don't you think I understood the..," she struggled for a moment, trying to find the right word,"..cost, yes _cost_ and risk of associating with you and your family? Do you think I didn't think it through? I did Edward! I understood it, and decided that the cost was worth it!"

Bella was glorious in her anger, but I kept my features stilled. I didn't think she would appreciate a smile at that moment, and I knew all too well how right she was.

She took a deep breath, and her eyes narrowed at me. Her fists were clenched tightly by her sides, and her mouth was drawn in a tight line. Her next words, though softer, still cut like knives. "You completely disrespected me and my choices, Edward."

Though I was pained at her words, I knew that they were all true. I _had _disrespected her, and I _had _treated her like a child. I had come to these same conclusions over the last twenty-four hours.

But how to convince her I had changed? I was still no closer to a solution.

Bella wasn't done with her rant yet, either. She pointed her index finger at me accusingly. "Where did it say that you were allowed to make decisions for me, Edward? Was Laurent right? Was I just your pet? Your amusement? Your distraction?" she hissed the last word, her eyes narrowing further, and her fists shaking.

I stood from the table, wanting to cross to her, but she took a step backwards. I hesitated a moment, holding my hand out, but she did not approach me. The small distance between us felt like the greatest gulf.

Wearily, I sat back down. "No Bella, it was never like that. I loved you. I still love you. I never stopped," I insisted.

Bella glared at me for another minute, until the flush slowly left her cheeks and she seemed to deflate."Then I don't understand how you could do what you did. What does loving someone mean to you, Edward? Maybe our definitions don't match." she finally asked in a tired, quiet voice.

I looked at her, my eyes burning into hers. "When I say I love you, Bella, I mean that I want to cherish you, adore you, keep you safe, and make you happy. It means I want to marry you, and show the world that you are mine, that we are together, and that nothing can ever separate us."

Bella didn't respond right away, but she kept her eyes locked with mine. I felt the power and draw of her gaze, and I wanted so badly to close the distance separating us and take her into my arms, to feel the blaze of her warmth, the frantic beating of her heart, the sweetness of her breath.

The urge was growing greater, and I was preparing to get up from the table and grab her when Bella finally turned her eyes away, breaking the spell. And then, she spoke in a shaky whisper. "That's not how you made me feel, Edward. To me, I always felt like my _safety _was your priority, not my happiness. Not my joy. And that's not the kind of love I want Edward."

I opened my mouth to object, but she wasn't quite finished. "Let me ask you a question, Edward. What would you have done if, after you had gotten to know me, I had told you I loved sky-diving, that it was a passion of mine? Or motorcycle racing? Or something else that made me happy but that you deemed 'dangerous.' Would you have stopped me from doing it?"

I wanted to answer no, of course not, but then as I pondered her question I knew that she was right – that I would not have let her do such dangerous things. When I was with Bella last year, her safety was my paramount concern. That was why I never let myself be intimate with her. I constantly feared for her safety. So much so, that I kept her in a gilded cage.

So I answered her truthfully.

"Bella, I made myself a promise that I would not lie to you, not anymore. So honestly, I think I would have tried to stop you last year, from doing anything that I deemed dangerous. I would have used every skill and trick to get you to stop those activities I did not approve of."

Her mouth formed a perfect 'O' shape at my confession, but I kept going, needing her to hear all of it. "I did indeed rank your safety as the most important thing to me – more than even your happiness. I was arrogant, Bella. I had promised myself that I would always keep you safe, and I let that steer my decisions. "

I nodded ruefully, looking down at the table for a moment before raising my head again and meeting her wide eyes. "I have nothing to say for myself except that I know I was in the wrong, and I am sorry. And if you let me back into your life – in any capacity – I will be grateful, and will not repeat my mistakes."

We stared at each other for a few seconds, before Bella walked over to the counter, facing the back windows again. An uncomfortable silence descended, and I was surprised when I heard her sniffle and smelled the saltiness of her tears.

I had made her cry; but I hoped that maybe these tears would be the healing kind.

I watched as she picked up a napkin and wiped her cheeks, and then blew her nose, all the while looking out the back window, turned away from me.

She finally turned back towards me, her eyes a bit red and puffy. I waited for her words: for a dismissal, or acceptance. Either way, the choice would be hers.

But, as she so often did, Bella surprised me. "Let me ask you a question, Edward. If you were writing our story, how would this end?" she asked quietly, looking down at the her folded hands.

Despite being wary of me, and not trusting that my answer might not hurt her, she was willing to put herself out there. I was pleased at her frankness. I would return the favor.

"Bella, if I was writing our story, then we would be back together, right this instant; I would re-earn your trust, and we would love and cherish each other. I would ask you to marry me, and I would make love to you on our honeymoon and hopefully we would go to college together. And then we would decide together what we wanted our forever to look like, and if you wanted to be changed, I would ask that you let me be the one to do it. "

I heard Bella's gasp as I said this last part, and her eyes snapped-up to lock on mine, her face betraying her shock at my statement.

In the past, I had always shut her down when the subject of changing came up. I had never given her any indication or opening that I would ever consent to her being changed. So hearing this from me must have been shocking for her to hear.

She didn't say anything for a long minute. Her eyes darted back and forth from mine, and she teased her bottom lip between her teeth. She finally relaxed back in the chair, but didn't meet my eyes.

Finally, she slowly looked-up, and the sadness in beautiful brown eyes broke my heart. I could see the shine and wetness in them, and at that moment I wanted nothing more than to melt into her embrace. She spoke then, quietly and with feeling. "It's hard to trust you Edward. You've been back for two days, after vanishing for almost a year. You left me with nothing, throwing my love back in my face, knowingly breaking my heart. And here you are, saying all the right things, telling me you've had a change of heart, and want me with you forever."

She sighed, looking away, and she again twisted her hands together. She took a deep breath before speaking again, her voice cracking on her words. "You broke me Edward."

Her declaration tore through me like a bullet, leaving holes in its wake. I felt a tearing feeling in my chest, like my lungs were punched-out.

I gasped at the intensity of the feeling, and though I did not need to breathe, found myself taking in large gulps of air. I had to fight to control myself from sobbing and breaking down in front of her.

She seemed completely unaware of my reaction, and I realized she was still speaking, still saying those terrible words that tore at me. "…really and truly broke me. I always had self-esteem problems – I know that – but you used my every insecurity against me, played me just the way you wanted, and left me in a cruel and heartless manner."

I sat there, a sentenced convict taking his punishment. What could I really say to her? Everything she said was true.

As the silence stretched on and I withered under the force of her gaze, her eyes narrowed, and I could see a flush of anger in her cheeks. "Why Edward? Why did it have to be like that? How could you be so intentionally cruel to someone you say you loved?"

I nodded, the shame of my actions forcing me to momentarily drop my eyes from hers.

My voice was contrite when I answered. "When I told you we were leaving Bella, I had an arsenal of lies prepared; I had envisioned hundreds of different things you might say in response to my words, and I knew what I needed to say to convince you I was leaving for good."

I took another unnecessary deep breath, and then met her fiery gaze again. "I know it was cruel; I cannot fathom what my state of mind was like to say such things to you. Every word I spoke that day was a lie, a blasphemy. And I saw how you accepted them, how you completely rewrote our entire relationship in your mind, thinking I had played you, that I never cared, that it was all some sort of twisted game."

"Never had I felt more despicable, more of a monster, than at that moment. But I was resolved – I thought I was poison to you, and I thought - however misguided I was - that you would heal, that you would move on, that you would meet someone else and forget about me. And I am sorry, Bella. I was wrong to ever think that I had the right to make choices for you."

She stared back at me, the anger in her eyes again fading at my words. Another long silence ensued, and I finally asked the question that I had been dreading asking: "Bella, is there any way you can forgive me?"

She turned, and stared out the window for a long moment, not moving at all, completely still except for the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. My insides were twisting, knowing that my fate hinged on her next words.

"Honestly I don't know, Edward. I won't deny that part of me hates you. Just as I won't deny that part of me loves you." Despite my misery at hearing the word 'hate', I could not help but thrill to know that she stilled loved me.

She turned back towards me, fixing-me with her bottomless eyes. "The problem is, Edward, I don't know which part is stronger right now. So I think I need some space and some time, to think about everything."

Though the worst outcome was avoided – her sending me away – this was not what I was hoping for. I knew that her taking the time to think things through would have been just fine with me had she been a young healthy 18 year old. But she wasn't – she had an army of vampires that wanted her dead, and had a condition that could kill her or leave her with brain damage with little to no warning; so I dreaded the possibility of her taking time that she might not have.

But what choice did I have? Bella had the power now – not me. She was calling the shots.

A bitter taste filled my mouth, as I realized this is what she must have felt, at many points during our relationship last year. I had the control then, and dictated the course our relationship would take. And now, everything in me rebelled against yielding this power to her. But again, my options were limited.

I debated at that moment – should I reveal that I knew about her condition? But something in me held back; I didn't want any possibility of her thinking I was there out of pity or because she was dying – I needed her to know that I had returned because I love her and needed her and not because I was here to try and save her.

So that is how I answered. "Ok, Bella. That is truthfully more than I deserve," I finally said. "But may I see you? Even as a friend? While you are deciding?" I tried to keep the pleading note out of my voice; I wasn't sure if I entirely succeeded.

She tilted her head to the side, as if trying on my words for size. I saw her mouth twist around the word 'friend' – almost as if she didn't like it, and this brought me some hope.

But she nodded her head at me, her sweet tenor quiet and thoughtful. "OK. That might be nice," she answered carefully.

There was another awkward silence, the second one of the morning. We had never had these when we had been together last year, so I didn't know how to deal with them. I looked at Bella, and saw that she too felt awkward and was also at a loss as to how to fill these empty spaces, that used to be filled with comfort and love.

"What are your plans for tonight," I said, trying to switch to a lighter topic and keep a conversation going. That's what friends did, right?

I realized suddenly, that I had never had a friendship with anyone that I did not know everything that went through their mind, and thus never really had any trouble making small talk. With Bella – now that she had erected walls and boundaries in our relationship - I was having trouble finding my footing.

Was it going to be like this forever? Was our easy companionship gone for good? The thought made me want to gag, and a wave of fear passed through me as I realized that, for the first time since I met Bella, we were in an awkward place and I was not sure what to do about it.

Her words cut my dark musings off: "Nothing much, tonight. I have had a headache all day, and am going to rest a bit later. Maybe do some homework," she answered.

The word 'headache' sent another jolt of fear through my system. I knew that sudden headache could be a warning sign that one of her aneurism's had ruptured, but I needed to control my anxiety. She seemed OK, not in excruciating pain, as a burst aneurism would likely cause.

But I knew my own nature well-enough to know that now I would worry more. And more than ever, I felt like my back was to the wall with Bella, and the clock was ticking.

Again, I forced myself to keep it light, and I was glad that she didn't react to the grimace and wide-eyed look I had given her when she spoke. "Well, then I hope you get a good rest. What class is the homework for?"

She shook her head ruefully. "Math. Calc 2. With Mr. Hardy. The worst subject ever invented."

I chuckled, remembering her problems with math. If not for her sometimes mediocre math results, she would have been a straight A student, potentially top of her class.

"I happily offer my tutoring services, should you ever desire them," I quipped, smiling the crooked smile that she always loved.

She smiled back at me, her eyes bright, and then she looked away, biting her lower lip again. She clearly remembered all my math tutoring from last year and I hoped she was thinking of them fondly.

"Thanks, Edward," she said, her eyes still turned downward. "I will let you know if I need your help," she muttered.

I tried again to make small-talk. "How have things been, at school? Is Mike still asking you out every other week?" I teased, trying to put her at ease.

She looked-up, surprised. She laughed then, a beautiful sound, and I felt my spirits slightly lifted. "School is OK," she said, still chuckling and shaking her head. "And Mike has been much better behaved this year, thanks."

I smiled back at her. "I'm glad. I cannot tell you how many times last year I wanted to either strangle him or run screaming. He just would not give up."

She nodded, smiling with me. "He finally got over his crush, I think. We've become pretty good friends actually. He's not a bad guy."

"I'm glad you have good friends, Bella. You really seemed at ease last night; it made me very happy."

"Well, the only close friends I really have at school are Angela and I guess Mike. I hang-out sometimes with Jessica, but she spends a lot of time with Lauren, who I never got along with." She paused for a moment, as if deciding if she should continue.

I smiled at her, waiting her out, expecting that she would eventually speak her mind.

And I was shortly proven correct. "Truth is, most of my closest friends are on the reservation," she said quietly, as if knowing this would upset me.

She knew, from the drama the previous evening between Jacob Black and myself, that I was not a popular figure on the reservation. And judging by her reaction last night, and the look on her face now, Bella clearly didn't like being in the middle of an interspecies war.

I tried to put her at ease, despite the taste of bitter ashes in my mouth. "It's OK, Bella. If you say they are good friends to you, then I am glad." I chuckled then, determined to make my point without making her angry. "But I won't lie and say that I am not a bit apprehensive about them and their penchance for being uncontrolled."

Apparently, even my light-hearted remark did not sit well with her, as I saw her eyes narrow. "You have no reason to be worried, Edward. The Wolves have saved my life several times while you and your family were off God knows where. So you don't get to criticize them around me."

The warning tone in her voice was unmistakable, and despite my worry about their stability, they had clearly shown themselves as able protectors. And I had to trust Bella, no matter how ingrained the instinct to protect her were in me.

"I apologize, Bella," I said contritely. "I did not mean to malign your friends. I am in their debt for keeping you safe, and I won't say another word against them."

She stared at me for a moment, as if she was testing my honesty. Finally, she seemed satisfied and nodded her head once, her eyes hard and unflinching.

Despite being on the short end of her anger, I again marveled at the changes in her. She was much more confident than she was last year, and though I would miss the shy and naïve innocence she had last year, I found this new version of Bella to be very sexy and alluring.

The silence was interrupted by the ringing of the house phone. Bella walked over to the kitchen handset, and answered the phone with her sweet voice.

"Hello?"

My vampiric hearing allowed me to hear both sides of the conversation, which despite wanting to give Bella her privacy I could not quite tune-out. "Hey, Bella. It's your dad."

"Hi Dad. How's fishing going?" Bella asked, walking with the phone out into the living room, stretching the phone wire to its maximum, presumably to give herself some privacy.

Silly Bella. She knew I could still hear everything that they said. Maybe she enjoyed the illusion of privacy?

"Well that's why I am calling, Bella. I am heading out of here in about an hour, and wanted to know if you wanted to get a late lunch with Sue and I?"

"Umm, sure? What happened to Billy?" Bella asked, surprise in her voice.

"He said his back was acting-up, and he headed home early. I saw Sue walking by the general store, and we got to talking, and I invited her to eat with you and me. Didn't think you would mind," Charlie said in his gruff voice.

"Ok, sounds good. I've got some homework to finish up, and then I will be able to go. I'll be ready by 2pm or so."

"OK, sounds good Bells. We'll probably be home before that, but don't rush on our account."

"OK Dad. See you soon."

"Bye Bells."

Bella walked back into the kitchen, replacing the handset on the phone. I had risen from my seat, and stood calmly by the back window, looking at her as she walked towards me.

"Umm, you heard, right?" she asked me.

I smiled at her, nodding my head. "Yes, Bella. Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop. Can't help it sometimes," I grinned.

She chuckled, the lines of tension that were in her forehead easing. "Right. Yes, OK."

We stared at each other, no words being spoken, and our eyes once again locked together. The seconds stretched, and again I felt that overwhelming desire to take her into my arms.

All too soon, however, she broke the connection, taking a deep breath and averting her eyes. "Well, I've got some homework to do, and I am sure you have things to do too. So, maybe I'll talk to you later?"

I smiled at her widely, not letting this dismissal dampen my spirits. "You definitely will, Bella. You definitely will.'


	20. Chapter 20 - Reconnaissance

**A/N - Thanks again to all reviewers! They let me know people still want to see how this turns out!**

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**Chapter 20 - Reconnaissance**

Despite the positive ending to the meeting between Bella and myself, the next few days passed extremely slowly for me, as I waited for her to contact me or express interest to see me.

Being with her was like a physical ache that I needed to satisfy. I was half-a-person without her; I knew that now. And I so desperately wanted her to want me the same way that the emotions I was throwing-off made Jasper very uncomfortable when he was around me.

Bella had spent the remainder of that Sunday with her father, lounging around the house, cooking, and watching TV. She spoke to several people on her cell phone – a recent addition, apparently - before returning to school on Monday. I volunteered to patrol around the school's perimeter, so I was able to watch her through the minds of some of the other students.

Bella was dressed in a much more suggestive and stylish fashion than she used-to wear, and she also seemed to be much more open and friendly with her fellow students. Much of her shyness seemed to be gone, though there were one or two instances where her blush did appear, making me smile when it did so.

The usual lustful thoughts of the boys were worse than ever, but I did my best to ignore them. Even so, I might not have been able to control myself had I seen the boy who she had her backseat-tryst with from a few days earlier; luckily, he never made an appearance. Perhaps he went to school on the reservation, or to a local college in Port Angeles. Or perhaps he was no longer a student. I didn't know, and did not let myself dwell on it.

When school ended, I trailed-her home, running through the forest at the edge of the road. If she was aware of me shadowing her, she didn't show it; but I felt her presence like a homing-beacon of electric current that tied me to her. I stood outside her home while she did her homework and cooked dinner for herself and Charlie.

Conversation in her house was muted, but I did hear Charlie ask Bella how she was feeling. I watched her beautiful face through his eyes, and saw the clear wince she made before transforming her expression into a neutral mask and saying she felt fine.

I smiled to myself at her bravery. My brave, strong Bella. She was always trying to appear strong for others, never wanting anyone to worry about her. It was one of the things I loved most about her – her utter selflessness – and I was very happy to see that this beloved trait had not gone away.

My moment of quiet reflection was shattered when I heard her tell her father that she was going to the Reservation for the night and that she would call him tomorrow. I was very surprised that Charlie assented to this, and I had to fight down the jealous beast that wanted to take her and run-off.

Although I was dismayed that Bella spent Monday night on the reservation, I was doubly upset when, after school on Tuesday, she was met at the parking lot by effusive Jacob Black. He was riding a noisy, black motorcycle and cutoff-pants. He was shirtless, and most people stared at him with only mild surprise.

Some of Bella's friends who knew Jacob muttered polite hello's, but most of the boys were intimidated by his size, and many of the girls seemed to know that Jacob was besotted with Bella. Apparently, he had picked her up like this many times before.

Bella gave him a large hug, chatted for a moment, and then proceeded to drive-off and follow him in her truck until they disappeared over the boundary line to the reservation. Her truck left a trail of bluish smoke in its wake; I watched until the rusted red behemoth disappeared around a bend in the road, going where I could not follow.

I was glum when I returned home, and the dour mood seemed to be shared by everyone in the house.

Earlier that day, Jasper had led a recon mission to Rattlesnake Mountain to consider the viability of a pre-emptive strike on Victoria's army. They did find the mill that the army had been using, and it appeared that they had been there for quite a long time. Unfortunately, the site was abandoned; the scents of at least twelve individual vampires were detected, plus the ashes of another three. Fighting among newborns was nothing new, Jasper informed us, and he was hopeful that Victoria was having trouble keeping control of her army

We were planning on another recon mission on Thursday night. This time we would be ranging further north, and we would try to capture a member of their army when they went to feed. The 'murder spree' in Seattle had reached crisis proportions, and there were cases of additional missing people in the two surrounding towns to the northwest; Victoria's army was expanding their feeding zone, and we knew that the Volturi had to come soon. Alice had been looking out for them, but having never met any of them her visions were not reliable or attuned to them.

Out of all of us, only Carlisle would recognize any of their scents; thus, against his peaceful nature, but determined to help protect his family, he had agreed to come with us in case we crossed any Volturi scents. Esme was very worried, and Alice was fretting over her lack of visions regarding both Bella and Victoria.

Even Emmett's usually boisterous moods were absent. He and Rosalie had been spending a lot of quiet time together, but all-in-all the mood in the Cullen family was not positive.

I took my customary position outside of Bella's house on Wednesday morning, listening to the quiet sounds of her breathing and the sweet rhythm of her heart. Truly, that sound was the most blessed in my world. I heard Charlie rise at his usual 6am, and he was gone from the house by 6:30am. I waited for Bella to wake, and became slightly concerned when, by 7:30, she had yet to do so. Her alarm hadn't gone off, and I was not sure what was going on.

By 8am I was very nervous, and called Alice to see if she had seen anything. She had not, and despite being a bit unsure herself, told me to sit tight and not do anything foolish; but as the minutes passed, and school had long since started, I began debating about going in and waking Bella.

Finally, though, at about 8:30 she began to stir, and I listened with relief and amusement as she mumbled to herself and made her way to the bathroom for her morning routine. She finally left the house at around 9:30, very late for school but seeming unconcerned by it.

She absolutely sparkled in the dim light of the overcast morning, life and light shining in her beautiful eyes. I resisted the urge to approach her, and resigned myself to watching her from afar, reminding myself to proceed at her pace, her rules, her boundaries.

I spent the remainder of the day patrolling the nearby woods, replenishing the blood traps, and generally annoying my brothers with my constant whining, my glum mood and sarcastic remarks.

When my broodiness became too much for Jasper, he left in a hurry; Emmett gave me a sour look, and was going to let loose a string of rebukes. "Just hold that thought, Emmett," I interrupted him. "You all have your mates to go to at night : I don't. And no one is trying to kill Rosalie - but Bella is in the cross hairs, and she is very fragile."

Emmett swallowed whatever comment he was going to make, and stared at me for a minute. Finally, he shook his head, his shoulders relaxing, and his famous dimpled grin made an appearance. "Well, yeah, I guess that's all true, Eddie. Next time the going gets tough with your girl, don't bail like a pussy." And with that last retort, Emmett turned and followed Jasper back to our house.

As tempting as it was to follow him, I restrained myself and kept up my patrols.

Wednesday night came and went, with still no word from Bella, and Alice could not see when Bella would contact me. I was beginning to worry that it really was over between us, and I sought Alice out for advice. She scanned the future, trying to see anything that would give me peace of mind. But there was nothing - just that gray haziness that overlaid all visions of Bella now. We didn't understand why she could no longer see her future. The obvious fear - that she didn't have one - always rattled around the back of my mind, but Alice wasn't convinced.

To help placate me, Alice had gone over to Bella's shortly after school on Wednesday, but after a very short visit Bella complained of a bad headache and went to her room and fell asleep early.

I was concerned, of course, but head-aches were a definite side effect of her condition. Carlisle had looked further at her file, and found that she was taking calcium channel blockers and was scheduled for endovascular surgery in July. He was going to talk with Bella and Charlie over the weekend, and recommend them doing Bella's surgery at a Canadian hospital in Vancouver; they offered a procedure there that was not yet available in the States, and was less invasive and had better results than the type of surgery Bella was scheduled for. It would be very costly, as Charlie's insurance certainly did not cover out-of-country elective surgery, but Carlisle would offer to foot the bill for the Swans, and Alice had foreseen that they would agree to this after some grumbling from Bella.

The only flaw with this plan was that Carlisle would not be able to perform the surgery himself; he was, as of now, not licensed in Canada, and despite our extensive contacts that could create identities for us out of thin air, Charlie would never believe that Carlisle somehow became a licensed doctor in Canada overnight.

There was another factor made the Vancouver option more attractive; though Carlisle was listed as a 'general surgeon' at Forks Hospital, he was not a recognized vascular surgeon or neurologist (though of course he had extensive knowledge in both areas) and thus would not be able to perform even the traditional stent surgery on Bella in Forks Hospital.

The final factor weighing against Bella having surgery performed locally was that the surgeon that was currently scheduled to perform Bella's surgery was, in Carlisle's extremely experienced opinion, only an 'adequate' practitioner. I hated having to trust Bella's care to a human doctor, but while I did, I wanted to help ensure she got the very best care available. And that meant Vancouver.

We were trying to get Carlisle access as a 'visiting surgeon', so he could at least observe the surgery. While I didn't doubt that the surgeon Carlisle recommended in Vancouver was a fine doctor, none of them were in the same league as Carlisle himself, who could smell any ruptures in blood vessels before any modern medical equipment could detect them. His two hundred years of medical practice, super-human senses, and superbly steady hand and eye made him far and away the most qualified doctor on the planet.

Thursday was thankfully quiet, and Bella seemed better. She got through her school day without incident, and returned home to do homework. I was relieved to see that she wasn't going out tonight, but I did find out from Alice that she had 'plans' for Friday. I pressed Alice for more information about these 'plans', but she sang Madonna songs in Hebrew to keep me out of her thoughts.

On Thursday night, I pored over topographical maps with Jasper and Sam, trying to estimate where Victoria could be basing her newborns. We knew that the popular camping spots near Rattlesnake Mountain were unlikely; there had only been two reported missing hikers near there, and the area was very popular for outdoor activities, and not remote enough to adequately contain twenty angry newborn vampires. So we concentrated on the wilder areas of Mt. Pilchuk State forest as far north as the Mt. Baker area. There were much thick forest cover there, wild areas with little to no hiking trails, and old, abandoned mills and mines dating from the late nineteenth and early parts of the twentieth century.

This was a lot of ground to cover, and we doubted we could do a very thorough job in one night; but we were resolved to try, as Alice estimated that the newborn numbers were still growing and now were higher than twenty.

As midnight approached on Thursday, our hunting party left to scout out a series of abandoned logging mills in the Cascades National Park. These mills were, according to the maps, very deep in the forest, difficult to reach, and would be a perfect spot to hide newborn vampires. If Victoria was basing her army there, they would have easy hunting available in the nearby cities of Seattle and the towns of Chilliwack, Abbotsford and Bellingham; therefore, it was no surprise that all four locations were reporting an alarming rise of missing person's cases.

Our hunting party – which consisted of myself, Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle, and three of the Wolves – were moving quickly, racing through the forest and over the small shoulders of mountains, skirting Seattle far to the south. We were dressed in dark black clothing, and had painted our faces with black tar. The goal was to keep our presence a secret until we knew more, and an easy spotting from a mile away would have been too easy without at least basic camouflage. There was nothing we could do about our scents, except approach from downwind, but we would do whatever was feasible to keep our approach stealthy.

We moved quietly, and at a very fast pace, whipping through the darkness of the forest and leaving the wildlife quiet in the wake of our passing; it was almost as if they knew we were unnatural, and their instincts warned them to conceal themselves from us.

We curved south of Seattle, but taking care as we tried to remain concealed in the more urban environments of the city's suburbs. As we came upon the eastern part of the city and returned again to the forest, we quickly came upon the trails of many vampires. Some of these were days old, but more were fresh: perhaps they had been laid a day or two at the most. They took various meandering routes, but for the most part led away to the northeast.

I could detect the excitement in everyone's thoughts; it looked as if our estimate of where they might be hiding was accurate. Everyone was thinking the same thing: perhaps tonight we would have a chance on taking some of them out, or at least getting a clear read on numbers and disposition.

Jasper motioned us to stop, still about thirty miles out from the Mt. Baker area. We gathered together in a tight circle, awaiting his instructions.

"OK, from here on out, we go in quiet. No talking. All cell phone ringers off. All communication to Edward via thoughts only except for emergencies. Edward will whisper-talk anything he needs to say. And we approach downwind, from the south." Jasper had donned his military guise, and had decisively taken-over; his instructions were clear and precise. I looked on him in admiration, and I could see that the others did too. The old soldier in him had never really died.

"And one last thing," he hissed, just as we were preparing to depart. "No heroics. We do not engage offensively unless and until I give the order. We will only take them out after we have completed a full recon. Remember our first objective - intelligence. We try to nab a newborn, and we take him away to question. Only after that objective is complete or declared unattainable do we consider offensive action." He let his hard eyes wander over everyone assembled. "Understood?" he asked us, the steel still clear in his voice.

All heads nodded in agreement, even the wolves. For once, even Emmett didn't have a snarky comment; he knew that we might find ourselves seriously outnumbered, and he didn't want a light-hearted comment to make anyone drop their guard or distract from the seriousness of our mission.

We continued on towards our destination, Jasper ranging just behind the Quileute's. The Wolves – who had extremely sensitive noses that rivaled ours - could run with their heads down towards the ground, thus picking up fainter scent trails; this gave them a superior ability to track while running - a skill that vampires didn't generally have.

When we were about fifteen miles out from our target area, I suddenly hissed for the group to stop. I had just picked-up the stray thoughts of several individuals, and as I strained out to read their minds I immediately knew they were vampires by the tenor of their thoughts.

The Wolves whined impatiently, eager to get on with it, but Jasper waved his hand sharply at them and they quieted immediately.

"Edward, what is it?" Jasper asked in a low voice, looking tensely forward, as if he expected an enemy to spring on us at any moment.

I leaned close to his ear, knowing that the others would only just be able to hear me. "I picked-up the thoughts of a vampire – maybe five miles to the east. He is a sentry, and from his thoughts there is another one due north of him.

Jasper nodded quietly, and then whispered instructions to us. As directed, Carlisle, Emmett, Jasper, and me took to the trees. We began jumping quietly from trunk to trunk, sinking our nails into the fibrous pulp with ease and holding ourselves up. The Wolves spread out, and trailed close behind us, annoyed at our slower pace but disciplined enough to stay in formation.

We were able to keep our approach very quiet, and when we were about a quarter-mile from the vampire – within scenting distance if the wind suddenly shifted – we put Jasper's final instructions to use and hid ourselves among the branches of the thicker trees, high off the ground and well concealed from even vampiric sight.

Embry shifted to his human form, and let out a series of grunts and curses, pretending to be a lost or distressed hiker. We knew the illusion wouldn't last – once the vampire got close to him he would smell his rancid scent and know something was off – but we didn't plan on giving him a chance to call for help.

Sure enough, the bait worked. The vampire – who couldn't have been more than five months old to this life and was very undisciplined – took off stealthily towards Embry, running at about half-speed, his thoughts expressing only slight surprise at finding a lost hiker at night. He was consumed with thirst, and it blotted-out all his other thoughts as he pictured the hot blood that he would soon drain from the stupid human.

As the vampire passed below our positions in the trees above, Jasper used his talent and hit the newborn with a full blast of lethargy, making the vampire stumble momentarily and sprawl in the dirt.

At that moment, I launched myself from above, taking him to the ground quickly and wrenching on his head, trying to decapitate him. Just as the newborn began to fight back, Emmett grabbed his arms and twisted them viciously behind his back, freeing me to wrench the newborn's head from his body.

It wasn't pretty, and I was covered in dirt and leaves, but it was effective.

We had our captive.

Jasper joined alongside us, and at his command we took the head and body and ran back to the west, away from the camp. We ran with the head and squirming torso for a dozen miles, before stopping in the deep forest.

Jasper stuffed the vampire's mouth filled with leaves and mud - to stifle screams while we reassembled him - and instructed us to remove the legs and arms. Only then did he proceed and fuse the vampire's head back onto the body, and soon after began his standard interrogation.

After a bit of torture - not as much as we had to do with the last vampire we caught - we learned that there were 7 vampires in this camp, and that there were two other camps nearby of similar size. Riley planned on joining the three camps together in a few days and then moving in on us.

The vampire – whose name was Richard –said that he thought there were at least twenty-five vampires in total under Riley's command. Richard had heard rumors of the 'wild red-head' but all his instructions came from Riley, and he did not know anything else about Victoria.

We moved further west before disposing of Richard, so that no vampire at the camp could possibly smell the smoke of his demise from twenty miles away. Our group was silent and grim as we finished-him off, and except for Carlisle – who always felt pity and sadness at any death – no one was too disturbed by our actions.

This was, after all, a war.

One that we did not start, but that we were determined to finish.

We held a brief strategy conference, and decided we were going to take this first camp out, tonight. We knew that, with the element of surprise and our training, that the seven of us should be more than a match for the seven newborns. Carlisle, as expected, was slightly uneasy about the operation, but agreed it was a very good chance for us to eliminate a large portion of the newborn army.

So not thirty minutes later we were again approaching the perimeter of the mill, and I let my gift travel outwards to my furthest reach, trying to reach the thoughts of the other sentry I had detected earlier. I picked his thoughts up immediately; he was thirsty and not paying attention to anything near him. He was so distracted by his thirst that we probably could have walked up and tapped him on the shoulder without him noticing our approach. However, he would no doubt hear us when we attacked the cabin, so we had to handle him first.

Jasper and Emmett turned to the north to eliminate the sentry, while the rest of our group waited for them about a mile away. A short minute later, I watched through the sentry's thoughts as he was suddenly jumped by a huge mass that came out of nowhere - Emmett - and then his thoughts went black as he was beheaded. I watched the remainder play-out through Jasper's eyes as the sentry's remains were set on fire, and then my brothers rejoined us.

The smell of burning vampire was now approaching, presaging our violent entry as we charged the cabin at full speed, all attempts at concealment now abandoned as there was little to no tree cover within a quarter-mile of the enormous structure.

My eyesight was able to distinguish three vampires standing outside a large, dilapidated lumber mill that was easily fifty feet high and over a hundred feet in length. The vampires were arguing over something, and I heard the thoughts of four more inside the rusted and derelict building.

Before the three vampires outside had any more time that to gape at us in surprise as we charged at them, not understanding why no alarm was given by the sentry's and if we were possibly new recruits come to join them, we were on them.

Jasper blasted the entire group with a wave of lethargy and confusion, which caused them all to hesitate and stumble. I didn't waste the opportunity afforded, and launched myself at a large, young male – he couldn't have been more than sixteen when he was changed, but was large and well-muscled – and had my teeth at his throat before he even had time to scream. I bit through his neck and wrenched at his head in one smooth motion, tearing-off the head. I tossed the detached head far out into the forest, knowing it would be easy to find it later; but in the meantime I didn't want the torso stumbling onto its detached head and reattaching itself, as I knew that it would try to do.

I saw that the Wolves had the other two vampires from outside well in-hand, jaws closing on their stunned heads and ripping pieces from their bodies, and I dashed inside, where Emmett, Carlisle, and Jasper had already engaged the other four vampires in a fierce battle.

I jumped onto the back of a slim, older male who Carlisle was desperately trying to fight off. I surprised the vampire, and in seconds his head was detached from his body and tossed through the gaping hole in the sheet metal sidewall where Emmett had charged through moments before.

Jasper - efficient and deadly as always - had already dispatched his newborn and turned to help with the other two. Between the four of us, we made very quick work of the remaining vampires and we soon had all their parts gathered outside, where the Wolves paced around, looking for further fights. A fire was lit, and we quickly searched through the building, looking for anything that might yield any advantages or information to where the other hideouts were.

Though I was on extreme alert and was ranging my gift out to my maximum distance, I did not sense any other vampires in the area. But we did not want to linger, in case we were caught by the other two groups and became the hunted instead of the hunters.

We found nothing of consequence in the Mill, and departed to the north, running additional recon, again utilizing stealth and taking to the trees while the Wolves lagged behind.

We traveled this way for about two minutes before Carlisle hissed for us to halt. Jasper turned to him with a questioning look on his face, but Carlisle held up his hand and descended the tree, sniffing around the base of a nearby spruce tree that towered over two hundred feet high, rising above the surrounding forest.

His thoughts were in shock, because he recognized several of the scents, which were extremely fresh.

Volturi.

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**A/N - Comments? Liked it? Missing Bella? If so, she will be back soon!**


	21. Chapter 21 - Taking the Pulse

**A/N : Many have asked for a 'timeline' on how events played out in this story versus Canon. So here is the overview:**

**Jan 19 - Bella awakens from her zombie phase - CANON**

**Late Jan through Mid Feb: befriends Jacob Black, builds motorcycles - CANON**

**Feb 20 – Bella, Mike, Jacob to movies - CANON**

**Mar 4 – Bella meets Laurent in the meadow - CANON**

**Mar 13 – Bella spends day in La Push with Jacob driving motorcycles, has her accident that lands her in hospital; she learns of her condition - CANON until the motorcycle accident**

**Mar 15 – Has her emotional break- down with Charlie after returning home, resolves to reinvent herself and determined to cram a lifetime worth of experiences into whatever days or years she has left**

**Mid May – Edward Returns, and this story begins**

**Note that there is a very large difference from canon, as Edward, Bella, and Alice *never visited Volterra*. Thus, the Volturi are not predisposed to 'wait and see' what Victoria and her army do to the Cullens, as is intimated in the books and the Bree Tanner Novella (i.e - the Volturi were hoping that some of the Cullens would be killed during the battle). So the Volturi may act differently than expected from CANON, but that does not make them Out-of-Character; rather, they are Out-of-Canon.**

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**Previously:** _We traveled this way for about two minutes before Carlisle hissed for us to halt. Jasper turned to him with a questioning look on his face, but Carlisle held up his hand and descended the tree, sniffing around the base of a nearby spruce tree that towered over two hundred feet high, rising above the surrounding forest._

_His thoughts were in shock, because he recognized several of the scents, which were extremely fresh._

_Volturi._

**Chapter 21 – Taking the Pulse**

We whisked through the forest like wraiths, the fog of the night swirling behind us as the wind of our passage left roiling eddies in the gray mist. As we neared our home, the mood was grim; everyone's thoughts were reeling with the knowledge that the Volturi had arrived, and that the entire situation had changed dramatically. The Quileute's had just returned to the Reservation to brief the rest of the pack, and Sam would be returning in the morning with his Beta to discuss this latest development.

After finding the scents of the Volturi, we had quickly departed the area and took a purposefully confusing trail. We ran through as many rivers and streams as we could, trying to confuse our back-trail and throw-off any possible trackers; we wanted to make it as difficult as possible for anyone to follow-us to our home.

By taking this roundabout and stealthy route, we fervently hoped that the Volturi would not be able to track us directly to Forks; though we knew that if -or when, insisted Jasper - they took some prisoners from Victoria's army and conducted an interrogation, they would learn of our Coven's involvement in this affair, and our location in Forks. And if they learned that Victoria had made this army to try and kill a human girl that had full knowledge of our world…well, under no scenario that I could imagine would Bella walk away from this unharmed or unchanged.

The inevitability of this made me pull at my hair in frustration, and I had to hold myself rigidly in-check; else I would have run to her house at that minute, grabbing her and trying to escape to somewhere far away.

The truly frightening thing for me was that - except for taking Bella, willing or no, and fleeing with her - I could not contrive a situation or probability that kept her off the Volturi's radar. And when they came for her, I would be put into the impossible position of having to defend her against the strongest Coven in our world.

Carlisle told us that he recognized the scents of three of the Guard: Felix – a hulking brute who was known for his strength and fighting skill; Demetri – the legendary tracker who, once he got within a certain range of someone and 'locked-in' to their mind, could then find them anywhere in the world; and most ominously, Jane – the witch-child who, like the mind flayers of myth, could torture you with the power of her mind. She was feared throughout the vampire world, and was generally considered to be cruel and unfeeling. She was certainly favored by Aro, and was among the highest ranking of the Guard.

The other scents were either not familiar to Carlisle or too washed-out to easily recognize. It did not surprise me that some of the Guards were not known to him, as he had not been to Volterra in over one-hundred and fifty years, and then only for a short visit. But we estimated at least another three Guard members were present.

Whether he recognized all the scents or not, the situation was dire. Six Volturi within a hundred miles of Forks were six too many.

I paced back and forth in my room, desperate to see Bella. My hands were clenched so tightly that my nails were almost piercing the granite skin of my palms. All thoughts of overall strategy I left to Jasper and Carlisle and the Wolves; I was too distracted to be of much use, and they could not understand the fear to the same level as me; after all, it was not their mates that were in the firing-line.

I was faced with a stark reality: no matter how this played out, Bella was going to die.

The only thing left to question was the manner of her death. Either she would be changed into an eternally damned creature, succumb to brain death by burst aneurism, be tortured to death by Victoria, or be executed by the Volturi.

If it was not so deadly serious, I might have laughed at the choices. They belonged in some Faustian horror story; not to a teenage girl in modern America.

The term 'danger magnet' didn't even seem adequate anymore. Stronger words, like catastrophe magnet or disaster magnet, would be more fitting.

My Bella. How I wished I could save her.

I eventually crumbled to my floor, and sobbed quietly into my arms, coiling my legs up under me and rocking myself back and forth.

Esme found me there some time later, and sat with me while I tried to pull myself together. I had to be strong, now. I had to go see her, immediately. I had to come clean to Bella, and tell her what was going on with the Volturi. I had to tell her that I knew of her condition. I had to tell her that her choices were limited. And I had to tell her that I wanted to change her and love her forever.

Time was running out for her, and I needed to act, now. I wasn't going to be given the time to slowly earn back her trust as I had hoped.

Even as I stood-up from the floor, my decision to seek her out firm and decided, I heard Alice suddenly gasp; and then I watched through her thoughts as a series of visions played out in a kaleidoscopic halo in her mind.

For once, Bella was clear of all the fogginess that had blocked her futures from being scrutable. And in Alice's mind, three visions stood out from a collage of countless others, defined with startling clarity.

In the first vision, Bella was a vampire; her eyes were a vibrant red, her hair rich and thick and lustrous, skin translucent like the inside of a shell. Her expression was fierce, and she was backing away from someone or something, until her back hit a wall of rock: perhaps the side of a mountain or cliff. Her expression twisted into a snarl, her hands came up, fingers bent into claws, as she prepared to spring. And then the vision went blank.

The second vision also showed a red-eyed Bella, but in this glimpse of some possible future Bella was relaxed; she was having a conversation into a small cellphone, her features soft and inviting. She was making airy gestures with her free hand, and laughed at something, her smile transforming her face into one of dazzling, stunning beauty. From the perspective of the vision, we could see that she was inside a rectangular room with blue-painted walls, and she sat on the edge of a large bed. She made to stand-up, and then the vision ended.

The final vision in Alice's tri-nocular focus was a very different scene; it showed a small room inside what had to be a church, with many people dressed in black, standing around a central dais. On the dais, a large, wooden coffin lay open, and in it lay a pale Bella, eyes closed, a peaceful expression on her pallid face.

This final vision cut-off then and I felt like my nervous system had been short-circuited; my legs gave way and I reeled backwards into the wall.

Through the roaring in my ears, I was only dimly aware of Alice's racing footsteps as she entered my room, or of Esme's calls of concern as she watched me shaking against the wall. I looked down into Alice's wide eyes, as we both struggled to comprehend the visions, and what they meant.

'_Did you decide something, Edward? What triggered those visions?' _Alice frantically asked me in her thoughts.

It took me a moment to get my bearings before I answered, and by then Jasper and Carlisle had joined us in my room, and I could sense Emmett in the hall, just outside. "Yes, yes," I muttered, catching my breath. "I made the decision that, with the threat of the Volturi hanging over her, I was going to tell Bella that the odds were good that they would either kill her, or, if they thought she might have a gift, take her with them and change her themselves in Italy. I was going to plead with Bella to let me change her, and for her to stay with me forever. I was going to tell her all of it."

After a beat of silence, where all the members of my family looked at me with questions in their eyes, Carlisle spoke, authority radiating from his voice. "What did you see, Alice?"

Alice explained to our gathered family about her recent vision, and I could feel Jasper trying desperately to combat the tension and stress in the air when Alice finished describing the third vision – the one where Bella was dead and gone, beyond my reach for eternity.

There was again an ominous silence when Alice finished, until Carlisle began pacing, his thoughts racing through the implications of my decision and the resulting visions that it had set in motion.

It was Esme, though, who asked the obvious question. "Why do you think these visions came through now? You have had such trouble seeing Bella lately?"

No one had an answer for this, and when Carlisle beckoned us to follow him downstairs, we went wordlessly.

Taking our places at the dining room table for our second family meeting in the past week – an unusual event, to be sure – Carlisle began the discussion with a brief synopsis of his time with the Volturi, his experiences with the various Guards, and what he thought they might do if or when they found-out about Bella.

"I think," he was saying, his hands crossed in front of him on the table,"that the decision of what will be done to her depends on how they find out about her, who is in charge, and what our reaction to their arrival is."

"How do you mean?" Emmett asked, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Well," Carlisle answered, his eyes far-away as his thoughts wandered through his remembrances of the Guard, "I presume Jane is in command. She has been with the guard since Aro found her and her brother Alec being burned as witches, during the dark ages in ninth century Europe. The twins have the strongest offensive talents in the Guard, and Jane is Aro's favorite." Carlisle paused for a moment, and I watched his thoughts as memories of Jane paraded through his mind.

"Anyway," he continued, "she will probably want to kill Bella right away. She is a stickler for the rules, it's true, but she seems to enjoy dispensing punishment, and is very harsh with rulebreakers."

Even as he was speaking, the moment he mentioned the words 'kill Bella' a red haze descended over my vision, and my hands crushed the arms of the chair I was sitting-in, reducing them to sawdust. "I won't let her near Bella," I snarled out, rising halfway from my seat.

I immediately felt a blast of calm from Jasper, and I sat back down in my seat, my anger not fully abated. "Of course we will protect Bella," answered Carlisle, as if I didn't interrupt, "but you must understand that we will be completely vulnerable if Jane turns her power on us. There is no withstanding it. So I think the best plan of action would either be to have Bella changed before they get anywhere near her, or convince her to leave Forks and go somewhere that they won't find her. Anything that keeps us from facing-off against the Volturi is preferable, because if we do fight them, then most likely not only will Bella die, but so will we."

His heavy words hung over the table, and everyone was busy thinking through the implications of what he had said.

I thought through the possibilities, my vampiric mind calculating odds and chances and probabilities.

Obviously, changing her immediately was my preferred solution, though part of me still cringed at the thought I would be ending her human life. But doing this now would not only protect her against Volturi intervention, but would make her much more durable in the event we had to battle Victoria's army. And, in Alice's vision, one of the two visions showed a happy vampire Bella talking on her phone. True, the other vision of Vampire-Bella showed her in some sort of confrontation – with whom, we did not know – but certainly that was still preferable to her being dead, and I would do everything in my power to keep her safe and keep that vision from ever coming to pass.

The main problem with this solution, however, was that Bella was not only unpredictable, but she was also stubborn. It was entirely possible that she would not agree with being changed right now, and she was never the type to run away and hide; especially if it meant others would be in danger.

And there were other factors to consider, as much as I did not want to. Bella would never agree to run if it meant leaving her father or friends behind to face danger. She had proven this beyond doubt when she went willingly to her death in Phoenix, hoping to trade her life for her mother's.

And therein lay the rub; we could not guarantee the safety of her father if she ran, as he would become a prime hostage target for the Volturi or Victoria. Depending upon what the Volturi learned from Victoria or her newborns, they could even see her father as a potential threat, seeing as how Bella lived with him and might have spoken with him about our secret.

And to further complicate the situation, the Wolves would certainly not stand aside and let the Volturi come to Forks and terrorize Bella or her father; and if it came to a fight between the Wolves and the Volturi, who would we side with?

These questions rattled around in my head, and similar thoughts were running through my family's minds as well.

What was the right solution?

"Alice," I whispered, my voice sounding weary even to my own ears, "can you see anything else? Would Bella agree to run?"

I watched her as her eyes de-focused, but nothing came through: just the same grey blankness. There was nothing to see, because key decisions had yet to be made.

I was frustrated. So I tried a different tack; "Alice, I am going to try and force a vision by making the decision for her. I am going to grab Bella, tonight, and take her away whether she wants to come or not; if she refuses to be changed, I will get her the stent treatment somewhere else, under a different name, and no one will know where we are." I waited a moment, hoping to see something come through.

And it did. Briefly, I saw a vision of me driving Bella away from Forks, and judging by her facial expressions, she didn't look happy; the vision continued for a short while, until suddenly it went black. Not grey, like the other visions, but completely black. Like we had died…or had been suddenly interfered with by the Wolves.

I met Alice's eyes, and I saw that she knew too. We would not be successful in getting her away by force.

"Well?" demanded Emmett. "Does it work? Do we take her?"

"No," I choked out. "The vision showed us leaving Forks at night, but it went black suddenly, while we were driving down a highway. The same kind of 'black' Alice gets when the Wolves become involved in our futures. "

"Goddamn mutts," muttered Rosalie. I lifted my eyes in surprise, and looked at my haughty sister. She met my gaze unflinchingly, and I saw the determination there; she was committed to helping Bella and I.

I nodded my gratitude at her, and she acknowledged me with a slight tilt of her chin before turning back to the discussion.

"Alice, what if you went to talk with her? Or Carlisle?" asked Esme. "Would she listen to one of you more than to Edward?"

Despite the pain this question caused me, I hoped that maybe Esme was right. Would Bella listen to Alice if she begged her to go?

Alice looked again at Bella's possible futures, but nothing was clear. "I don't know," she said at last, frustrated at the limitations of being unable to see around the Wolves, and having to deal with the general haziness that surrounded most of Bella's possible futures. "I cannot get a read on anything about her future. The only images I see are quick, fuzzy glimpses of things, but I cannot tell anything definite."

Jasper interrupted us then, asking a key question that we somehow had overlooked. "Can you see when the Volturi will encounter the newborns?"

I realized then that Jasper had just come upon a possible solution: what if we could take down Victoria and Riley before the Volturi got to them? This would reset everything, taking the Volturi out of the equation and giving us a good chance to end this without them ever becoming aware of Bella's existence.

Even as I began to voice my thought – which Jasper had already been thinking of – two new visions exploded in Alice's mind. The first showed our family in a desperate battle against a horde of newborn vampires; and then, suddenly, the vision suddenly went black, a sure sign the Wolves were involved.

The second vision was completely different; it showed Jasper, Alice, Emmett, and myself in a wide field, with Jane and a contingent of Volturi standing before us. The purple smoke and burning pyres of dead vampires were littered all around the field. My family looked battered, and Jane was talking to us about something, her lips moving quickly. As always, the lack of sound made the visions incomplete, but it was the best we had to work with.

Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie were not in view; had they stayed behind? Could something have happened to them during the battle? Could they have been destroyed during the fight?

The possibility of something happening to anyone in my family - especially Esme and Carlisle, my parents for all intents and purposes - filled me with a choking fear.

The vision ended with the Volturi turning and walking-off. I shook my head clear, and turned in my seat. Alice and I looked at each other, the fear apparent in our eyes and on our shocked faces.

"Tell them," I whispered to Alice.

And she did. All of it, with no editing or holding-back information.

When she finished, for one split-second, the thoughts of my family were blank; and then, as they thought of the dreadful possibility that three of us would not survive the upcoming battle, their expressions morphed. Esme's and Carlisle's faces were sad and disturbed; Emmett looked angry, and his thoughts matched; Rosalie looked horror-stricken, but her thoughts were determined; and finally, Jasper's face was a cool mask; but inside his mind he was already running through battle strategies, trying desperately to find one that would have involved leaving Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie out of the battle. Several possibilities occurred to him, and I grasped at them like they were lifelines.

And what of Bella in those visions? Would she survive if we took this path? The vision didn't show. She was not in any part of it. Was it possible that the three missing members of my family were guarding her? That was one of the possibilities that Jasper had considered to explain their absence from the battlefield.

Unfortunately, we had no real answers.

I clenched my fists in frustration, knowing I was not the only one feeling an almost manic desperation.

Were there any good choices available to us? Fight the newborns, now, to save Bella, but risk losing three members of my family? Change Bella and hope for the best?

What should we do?

I thought about the visions again: would I be willing to risk three members of my family if it meant that Bella might walk away unscathed? Even as my mind shouted 'NO!' my heart clenched and screamed 'YES!'; for Bella, I would sacrifice the world.

A rush of shame and guilt overwhelmed me then, and Jasper raised an eyebrow in my direction; his thoughts showed that he completely understood me; that he knew what I had been thinking about to cause such guilt. _'I understand, Edward. I truly do. I too would suffer any cost- pay any price - to save my Alice. It's the way of things for mates."_

I barely listened as my family debated the visions for the next few minutes; I wanted to feel shame and horror at my willingness to sacrifice my family for my mate, but the emotion was distant, empty. It didn't feel real, like I was reading it in someone else's mind.

Our meeting finally adjourned at about 5am with nothing decided except that I would talk with Bella immediately after school today, and try to convince her to either change or run. And if she agreed to neither, then we would reconvene and discuss the option of launching an attack on the newborn army tomorrow, which would hopefully be before the Volturi had Victoria in there hands.

Our greatest fear was that Victoria or one of her cohorts would reveal Bella's existence and forbidden knowledge to the Volturi. Once that happened, saving her life would be difficult, and we would be in danger too for having revealed our secret.

As I left the room, one thing was becoming very clear to me: I knew that, in the end, I would do anything in my power to insure that Bella Swan still existed when this crisis finally blew over, no matter who or what I had to sacrifice or destroy to achieve that goal.

Even if that someone was myself.

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**A/N – This chapter was originally 8000 words, so I've split it into two parts. Next part is getting touched up now and should be up in a day or two (hopefully).  
**


	22. Chapter 22 - Heartfelt Emotion

**A/N :Thanks to all who are still with me!**

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_Previously:_

_As I left the room, one thing was becoming very clear to me: I knew that, in the end, I would do anything in my power to insure that Bella Swan still existed when this crisis finally blew over, no matter who or what I had to sacrifice or destroy to achieve that goal._

_Even if that someone was myself._

**Chapter 22 - Heartfelt Emotion**

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The following morning, I watched Bella at school from my usual spot in the surrounding trees. I was pacing back and forth on the damp ground with growing impatience, as I waited for the blasted school day to end.

It still surprised me sometimes, how that, even after a century of existence, time could sometimes feel like it was standing still.

Today was one of those days. I was out-of-my-mind with worry, trying with everything I had in me to stay quiet and not grab Bella and run. Only the reminder that Alice's vision had shown me that such an action might not end-well held me from moving.

I had no idea what the Volturi were doing right at that moment. For all I knew, they might have already caught up to the newborns and exterminated them all. Or perhaps, my mind taunted me, Victoria had been captured and was even now on her way back to Volterra for interrogation, where Aro would probe her mind for all her secrets.

To me, that seemed like a strong possibility. After all, the Volturi scents were located in a similar vicinity to where we had found the newborns; it made sense that they could have found them by now. The only plausible excuse I could imagine for them not attacking at-once, is that they might pause to first gather intelligence.

The uncertainty of the situation was almost debilitating, and it was with a sigh of relief when the lunch bell sounded, indicating that the day was at least half-over.

I had a few particularly bad moments earlier today; Jessica Stanley had intercepted Bella between classes, to ask about her 'date' with Tristan tonight. When the image of this 'Tristan' swam through Jessica's polluted mind, I recognized the boy from the backseat of the sport's car who had dropped Bella off last week after having intimate relations with her.

Venom filled my mouth, and a part of my brain was already cataloging how it would find this boy and shred him. The beast inside me roared, rattling at his cage to be set free. _Mine!_, my inner-voice called out. That boy had no right to touch her!

It took me several minutes to completely calm-down, and I was disappointed and upset that I had completely missed the rest of their conversation. I mentally willed Jessica to mention him again, but Bella artfully deflected the conversation onto less personal matters.

I smiled to myself, then, as I realized that another of Bella's traits was still unchanged: she deplored gossip, and valued her privacy.

I endured the rest of this hellacious day, until finally my misery ended with the ringing of the final bell.

I watched through her classmate's minds as Bella walked to her locker, biting her lower lip, and seeming to be more distracted than she usually was. Something was clearly on her mind, and she barely acknowledged people asking her about plans for the weekend, or waving at her with their 'see you later's'.

She walked out to her truck, her backpack bouncing and swinging behind her. I was prepared to run along the forest edge to shadow her home, but she sat in her truck for many minutes. She didn't call anyone on her phone, and she didn't open her backpack or do anything else. She was just sitting, quietly, obviously absorbed in thought.

I yearned to hear her thoughts, and though it was futile I pushed as hard as I ever had against the mental barrier that somehow protected her precious mind. As expected, there was nothing there. There was just a wall, behind which all the secrets that I craved to know and peruse and cherish lay waiting for me.

With a determined look on her face, she finally turned her truck on, the old beast rattling noisily to life. A long and dirty plume of grey smoke chugged out from the rusted muffler, and with a gnashing of gears the truck started away. I watched her leave the parking lot, and followed from the safety of the trees as Bella drove herself home.

When she got to her house, she exited her truck with an air of determination about her, slamming the door harder than usual and walking quickly up the pathway to her house. I ran from the trees, faster than a human eye could have seen; and then I was there, behind her, inhaling her delectable scent, the burn welcome and intoxicating. For when I burned, it meant she was near.

I was going to cough politely from a few feet away, not wishing to startle her, but she somehow knew I was there anyway; I saw her shoulders stiffen momentarily, before she turned to face me.

Our eyes met, and held; I felt myself again drowning in the endless depths of her brown eyes, the gateway to her beautiful soul. Neither of us moved or blinked, and I realized that Bella had not even taken a breath.

"Breathe, Bella," I admonished her, a small smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. It seemed I could still dazzle her.

With a gasp, Bella inhaled, and her cheeks turned pink under my gaze. She averted her eyes to the ground, and she mumbled something even too low for my superior hearing to understand.

She looked up at me after a few seconds, and tilted her head before speaking. "So what do I owe the pleasure?" Her tone was light, and the late afternoon light sparkled in her eyes.

Knowing that the coming discussion was going to be rough, I asked her if I could come inside and speak with her for a moment. She didn't answer me verbally, but only nodded her head once before turning and unlocking her front door.

She held it open for me, and I let myself into the house and walked into the kitchen; it seemed that room was fast becoming the room for all 'serious' discussions in the Swan household. Not too long ago, all of our intense conversations generally took place in her bedroom. The thought made me sigh, but I was trying not to dwell anymore on all that I had so foolishly given away.

Bella put her backpack down on one of the empty chairs, and helped herself to a glass of juice from the refrigerator. She sat down at the table, across from me, and stared at me wordlessly as she sipped her drink.

I took a deep breath to settle myself before beginning. "I am sorry to come here unannounced, Bella, but it was imperative that I speak with you. I know I agreed to proceed at your pace, and on your terms, but this discussion could not wait." My voice was open, and honest, and my earnestness was, I hope, clear and obvious.

Bella leaned back in her chair, and took another sip. "Sounds ominous, Edward. What's going on?" She looked at me steadily, without a hint of worry in her tone or expression.

I knew that I needed to lay it all on the line for her, without holding anything back: so that is what I did. I told her about the raid we had participated in last night, and about the fight that ensued. I told her about our crossing the trails of the Volturi, and the significance of that and what that meant for her. And finally, I told her what Alice had seen in her visions; both the three involving her, and the two of my family.

After letting silence engulf us for a moment, I came to, at last, what I thought was the crux of the matter. I let my eyes smolder with all my love and desire for her, and laid all my cards on the table. "Bella, Carlisle has told me about your diagnosis. He found out by accident when he returned to the hospital. I know it all, Bella; your planned surgery, schedule of medications, all of it. I also know what the risks are for you, and I know how poor your chances are for a long and healthy life."

Her eyes tightened as I spoke, and her expression went blank, but I forced myself to continue, trying to get past this and tell her what was in my heart. "Coupled with what we learned yesterday about the Volturi threat and the very real risk of them finding you while you are still human, I want to change you, Bella."

I waited a moment, and plunged ahead. "I want to change you, and spend eternity showing you just how much I love you. I want to marry you and show you the world, and spend every minute of forever by your side. "

My words hung between us, luscious promises dangling like precious fruit. "I love you Bella, and I want you forever. I was foolish to ever think I could live a moment without you."

I waited for her reaction, praying for deliverance from a God I believed had long ago forsaken me.

Slowly, Bella's eyes went wide, staring deeply into my own. Frustratingly, I could not pinpoint her expression. Disbelief? Horror? Love? I wasn't sure.

But I had to give her all her options; I had to be totally honest. So I forced myself to say the rest, my voice trembling only slightly. "But Bella, if you don't want to be changed now, then I want you to flee. My family can get you a false identity, and can get you to another city where you can undergo your surgery as planned. We will give you whatever you would need – money, papers, anything – but it would be imperative that no one in my family know where you were. Aro, leader of the Volturi, has a gift that lets him read every thought a person has ever had, and he would know where to find you if anyone from my family were brought in front of him."

I took a breath, and finished my speech. "But the decision is yours Bella. I wish we had other options, but if we do, I don't know what they are."

I had finished. I had laid it all out there for her, and now the decision was hers.

I waited as patiently as I possibly could, and bottled-up all the emotions and questions and declarations that wanted to bubble out from me. I wanted to beg at her knees for her to let me change her; and if she denied me, I wanted to bite her even if she wouldn't give me permission.

I felt like a man at the stake, forced to endure the agony of the burning pitch while he waited for his beloved to either save him or tell him he was banished from her presence.

The silence between us stretched, deafening me with its weighty presence; the thrumming of her heart and the gentle cadence of her breathing were the only sounds I could register.

So far, the only reaction from Bella was the widened eyes, a furrowed brow and a chewed bottom-lip.

Not the reaction I was hoping for or expecting.

But then, she always managed to surprise me.

After a few minutes of this, her features began to soften, and a peaceful expression finally settled over her face.

I waited, the seconds grinding by with agonizing slowness, as I prepared for the pronouncement of my doom or salvation.

"Edward?" she began, her voice startling me after the minutes-long silence. "Let me be sure I understand the choices you are offering me." I nodded for her to go ahead.

She held up her hand, and began counting on her fingers. "First, if I do nothing, there is a strong possibility that the Volturi will find out about me – soon – and come to investigate. Correct?"

"Yes, Bella." My voice was soft, barely there.

"Ok. Next, if they do, we have almost no chance of fighting them off, because they are too strong. And, if they come and they find me human, they will probably kill me on the spot. Right so far?" She ticked off another finger.

"Yes, Bella," I managed to choke-out, as Alice's vision of Bella in her casket came rushing-up around me like a shroud of death.

"Now, Alice has seen a few different possibilities," she said, extending a third finger. "Firstly, if I let you change me, she has seen that I might possibly be OK - that she saw me talking happily on the phone with someone. But also," she started, and her eyes focused on a point over my head, her entire brow furrowed in concentration; "if you change me, there is a chance that I will have to fight someone while I am still a newborn. And we have no idea who that person is, or what triggers either of these visions." Bella was still ticking her items off on her fingers, and I could do nothing but nod in agreement.

"Also, she has seen the possibility of my death." Again, I could only nod feebly; but she seemed not to notice the terror in my expression. "Clearly, I was still human in her vision, and she saw people attending my funeral. Again, though, we have no idea what triggered this vision, of whether or not it's my aneurism's popping or something else getting me. Correct?"

I winced at the cavalier way she discussed her own death: just like she had done in our meadow when I first declared myself to her.

I had to whisper out my answer, as talking about the possibility of her death was excruciatingly difficult for me. "The only thing I could see from the funeral vision is that you appeared unharmed, physically. There were no scratches or wounds visible anywhere on your hands or face. If the Volturi or Victoria's army got to you, I don't think we would be seeing an open casket funeral."

She nodded thoughtfully. "OK, maybe that's true. So perhaps one of my aneurism's burst and kills me. That seems likely. But again, we have no idea what triggers it, right?"

"That's right. We tried running different possibilities and decisions through Alice, but besides the three main visions everything else was blurry." I was curious now; where was she going with her questions?

"But what does that even mean?" asked Bella. "Does that mean those other futures are less likely, or is it just that, for whatever reason, Alice can't see them? That's really an important question, Edward," she insisted.

I thought about that, and realized she was right. "I agree, Bella. It is important. But we don't really know enough about how Alice's gift is working in regards to you. For quite some time now, everything about you is blurry in her visions. Except for when you are with wolves – then, it all goes black."

She chewed on her lip again, contemplating my words. She clearly wasn't satisfied by my answer, but I had nothing else to tell her. We didn't know why she was so fuzzy in most of Alice's visions of the future.

Bella was silent for another few seconds, before nodding to herself. "OK, so for whatever reason, those three visions were crystal clear. So let's assume that those are the main chances. So what does that say about her other visions, regarding your family?"

I replied softly. "Again, there were only two about my family. In one, we were fighting, and then everything goes dark. That could mean one of two things: either the Werewolves intervened, or..." I let my words trail off.

"Or?" Bella prompted.

"Or, Alice dies during that fight, and that is why the vision goes black."

Bella choked back a gasp at my words, and for the first time today I smelled the saltiness of her tears. While the prospect of Alice dying was truly terrifying to me, I marveled again at the fact that Bella was so selfless that she would not shed any tears for herself when discussing her own funeral and death; but as soon as Alice's possible demise was discussed, she was crying.

Bella truly had the world's most beautiful soul. Her compassion matched that of anyone I had ever met.

And I was the damned and soulless monster who had forced her into this position of choosing between two horrible fates: changing into a cold, dead thing, or running for her life, assuming a new identity, and cutting herself off from her family and friends, probably forever, while she waited out her last days, alone, dying from ruptured blood vessels in her brain.

I wanted to cry out at the injustice of it, but I had to stay strong. For Bella.

She wiped away the nascent tears with the back of her hand, and choked back a small sob before speaking again. "And in the other vision? She saw only four members of your family facing the Volturi?"

"Yes."

She let out a weary sigh, and looked down at the table for a long minute. Finally, she raised her head, and sniffled a few times. She then slowly took a deep breath, calming herself. "OK. There is no way I can even possibly consider any course of action that would mean someone from your family dying for me. That is a non-starter." She said this with an air of finality.

"Bella...," I started, but she cut me off.

"No Edward. It's non-negotiable." Bella got up from the table then, without saying a word, and poured the rest of her juice into the sink. She looked at me for a long moment, weighing me with her eyes. Finally, after a tense minute, she spoke. "Wait here a sec."

"What are you doing, Bella?" I asked, confused about her reaction.

Her lips twitched, and for the first time since I walked through the door I saw the old sparkle in her eye. "I've got a date for tonight I've got to cancel."

At my look of surprise, her lips turned upwards. "And then, I want you to take me to your house."

"Why?" I managed to choke-out. She always surprised me.

She looked at me with a determined expression. "I need to talk to Carlisle."

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**A/N - Might be away for the next couple of weeks - work and vacation - but will try and write while away!**


	23. Chapter 23 - Decisions

**A/N – Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Especially the faithful few who leave reviews and feedback! **

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_**Previousl**__y_

_Her lips twitched, and for the first time since I walked through the door I saw the old sparkle in her eye. "I've got a date for tonight I've got to cancel."_

_At my look of surprise, her lips turned upwards. "And then, I want you to take me to your house."_

"_Why?" I managed to choke-out. She always surprised me._

_Bella looked at me with a determined expression. "I need to talk to Carlisle._

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**Chapter 23 - Decisions**

I drove through the quiet streets of Forks at a more sedate pace than I usually did, trying to maximize the time I had alone with Bella. I kept glancing at her, looking for a reaction to my heartfelt declarations of undying love; but she sat very still, her chin resting on the back of her balled fist, as she stared out the side window at the familiar scenery flowing by us.

As was normal for me, I was wondering what she was thinking. She had been silent since we left her house, after her surprising announcement that she needed to talk to Carlisle. She had not given me any answers to my questions about her intentions, even when my I practically pleaded with her and used all my powers of persuasion on her. She would hold up a hand and tell me to wait, that she only wanted to have this discussion once.

Besides the frustration I felt at not getting a response from her, I also noted that she no longer gave in to my 'dazzling' so easily. Had I not been frightened of what that portended for my future with Bella, I would have been proud of her for being able to resist my vampiric charm. This time last year, I would have had her talking without much difficulty.

I thus had called Carlisle to relay Bella's desire for a meeting; thankfully, he was already at home. He and I had a very brief discussion, and he agreed to talk with Bella when we arrived at our house.

Despite the abbreviated nature of our telephone conversation, and his as-normal iron control, I could discern that he was eager to see her, and a bit anxious as well.

We drove on in silence, until, a few minutes later, we were pulling into my driveway. I watched with sadness as Bella's whole demeanor changed: she became rigid in her seat, and her breaths came a little more forceful and labored.

"Bella, are you OK?" I asked, my voice laced with concern.

She looked at me, and I was pained and confused to see fear in her eyes. What was she afraid of?

I grew frustrated again as the seconds dragged on, and I didn't think she was going to answer; so it was a surprise to me when she turned to me, and her voice squeaked out, quiet and wavering. "I haven't been here since my last birthday. It brings back bad memories," she whispered. Her eyes were bright, and the corners of her eyes were crinkled with deep worry-lines, making etches in her perfect skin.

Shame and bitterness washed over me, and I had to choke back a breathy sob. I had done this to her; I had caused this pain, a scarring of her soul and spirit that may never be healed. I fought against the self-loathing that threatened to swallow me, and took a deep breath to calm myself, willing myself to be strong for Bella.

I had no right to wallow in self-pity right now: that could come later, if Bella left me behind. For now, I had to be strong for her.

"I'm sorry," was all I managed to say. And I was sorry. For so, so many things. If she gave me the chance, I would spend eternity righting my wrongs.

It was pitiful, but I words were failing me at the moment.

She didn't respond, but looked back out her window as the house drew nearer.

We finished the drive up to my house in silence, and I parked the car and raced around to open her door for her. I could hear a few thoughts from the house, and quickly determined that Jasper and Emmett were not present. I assumed that they were meeting with the Wolves, as a pre-emptive attack on the newborns was being planned for tomorrow.

We hoped we could take them out before the Volturi did. None of us wanted to contemplate the Volturi coming to Forks for Bella.

I helped Bella out of the car, pleased that she did not flinch from my touch. I searched her eyes for a moment, trying to get a reading on her emotions, but they were blank again, having returned to their hard, blank-like state that I had come to hate.

I gently led her, with my hand on the small of her back, up the steps to the wide front doors. Bella's breathing was shallow, and her fists were clenched at her sides.

She was definitely uneasy, perhaps even terrified, and I felt a terrible sadness as I juxtaposed this arrival with the one when she had first come to my home, over a year ago. On that occasion, she was nervous because she feared my family would not approve of her. I had inwardly laughed at her then – as if they could not help but love her!

But this time her fear was for returning to the place where everything went wrong, when she was forced to attend a party she didn't want, forced to open presents she begged not to be given, forced to stand as the center-of-attention that she never was comfortable in.

Thinking about that dark day left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I shuddered under the strength of the emotion. I wished Jasper was nearby to help calm-me.

I suddenly felt old, and worn out. A sadness – ancient and overwhelming – took root in my stone heart, and for the first time since meeting Bella, I felt weary of my existence.

Again, I forced myself to bury these emotions, as Bella's life was literally on the line. I could not afford to be anything but strong for her now.

I opened the front door for us, and gently led her inside the house, standing close by her side, reveling in her quiet warmth and the tingle of electric current that always seemed to emanate from somewhere in her body.

Bella took a deep breath before letting her eyes wander slowly over the family room; she seemed completely unaware of Carlisle and Esme's presence by the stairs, where they watched her with sad but hopeful eyes. I had asked them to not rush Bella when she arrived, and to let her have some space to get comfortable and reorient herself.

Esme didn't want to do that - she was eager to fold Bella in her warm embrace ; but they had apparently overheard our conversation outside and their joy at having her again under their roof was tempered with the knowledge that there was now a gulf between them that might never be fully bridged again.

After a few moments, Carlisle gently cleared his throat, and Bella jumped in surprise, holding her hand up to her mouth to hold in an involuntary gasp.

"Hello Bella," Carlisle said in his warmest, gentlest tone. "We have missed you. You are very welcome here, as always." His eyes were warm, and kind; but they too were tinged with sadness that the circumstances of this reunion were so dire, and that the separation we had endured had been so painful.

I looked over at my adoptive parents, and their thoughts were perfectly aligned: they were overjoyed that she was here, and the grief and worry they both felt did not match their happiness at her presence.

Esme's eyes were shining with un-shed tears, and she was literally holding herself in place because she wanted to launch herself at Bella and hug her close. She had missed her so terribly; for the first time in Esme's vampiric life, Bella had afforded her the opportunity of taking care of someone who genuinely needed taking care of. Without a doubt, Esme loved all her adoptive vampire children, but they were all very self-sufficient, with minimal needs that could be met by a maternal vampire. When Bella had crashed into her life, however, she felt her mothering instincts come to the fore, and Esme had taken great joy in the relationship that they had developed. Bella was easy to love, and she was so used to taking care of others that she found herself happy about letting someone else occasionally take care of her. After all, she had spent the last ten years or so looking after either Renee or Charlie.

Esme had filled that mothering-void perfectly, and to my eternal regret I had taken that away from both of them when I ripped my family so unmercifully out of Bella's life.

My reverie was broken by the sound of Bella taking a deep breath. She smiled at Carlisle, and then I could see her lower lip trembling when she locked eyes with Esme. It was clear that Bella had missed her enormously, and it didn't surprise me when she slowly approached them where they stood, their hands clasped in rigidly in front of them but their eyes and thoughts hopeful.

When Bella was about a foot from them, she stood straight up, letting her gaze travel back and forth between the two of them before finally settling on Carlisle. "Hello Carlisle. It is nice to see you again," she said formally.

I frowned at the slightly stiff welcome, and I was sad to see Carlisle's shoulders droop ever so slightly. But then, Bella turned her head and looked at a now trembling Esme, and her demeanor softened. "Hi Esme," Bella whispered. "I missed you."

With a sob, Esme moved quickly to Bella and embraced her in a motherly hug, squeezing her fragile human body tightly to her stone form. "Oh Bella, dear, I've missed you too. I should have been here for you, I am so, so sorry" she finished with a broken voice.

I watched my adoptive 'mother' and the love of my existence hug for another few seconds, until the sound of footsteps could be heard approaching. As Bella disengaged from Esme, I watched as Rosalie and Alice entered the room, still away from Bella's line of sight. They waited for a moment, before Alice called out a greeting. "Hi Bella, welcome back."

Bella turned, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "Hi Alice," she smirked. I was glad to see that her relationship with Alice looked back on track.

Rosalie stood still for a moment, letting her eyes wander over Bella, a strange expression of tenderness in her gaze, and a sad smile on her lips. For her part, Bella rigid, keeping her eyes locked on Rosalie's face, until Rosalie lifted her gaze and meeting her stare for stare.

I could sense the tension that was running through Esme, as she feared that Rosalie might say or do something that would make Bella feel unwelcome; but I was listening carefully to Rose's thoughts, and there was no malice there. Only sadness, and regret.

"Hello Bella," she said in a quiet voice. "It is nice to see you again."

Bella's mouth dropped open in a very comical fashion, making a big 'O' as she reacted to Rose's unexpected greeting. For a brief second I wondered what Bella would do, but then her face softened into a real smile, and she nodded at Rose. "It's nice to see you too, Rosalie. I'm glad you came back."

I saw Esme and Carlisle relax in relief at the friendly greeting, and Esme motioned for everyone to sit down on the cream-colored couches in the family area.

Bella settled down on one of the loveseats next to me, but there was a good foot of space between us. I desperately wanted to close that distance, but I did not want to push her either.

So, I would settle for whatever scraps I could get.

Carlisle and Esme took the loveseat opposite Bella, while Rosalie and Alice took chairs around the large coffee table. There was a somewhat tense vibe in the room, as everyone knew this would be a difficult conversation.

As was his position as leader of our family, Carlisle started the discussion. "Bella, speaking for both myself and everyone in our family, I want to say that I am delighted to see you again, and am very sorry for the manner in which we left here last September. I count that as one of my greatest mistakes in judgment in my over three centuries of life." He spoke softly, but with feeling, and his sincerity was hard to doubt.

Bella looked straight at him, not blushing as she might have done a year ago, and to a normal observer she might seem unaffected by his words.

But with my heightened senses, I could hear her elevated heart-rate and respiration, and could see the tightening of her grip on her folded hands in her lap. This topic of conversation was clearly stressful to her.

Bella sighed, letting out a breath, and she relaxed back into her seat. "Thank you for your kind words, Carlisle. But I don't want to discuss the past tonight. The damage is done. I would rather talk about the future, and my options." Bella's tone was a bit sharp, and I flinched in response. Indeed, it surprised everyone, and caused Esme and Alice to frown.

Rosalie, however, had a small smile on her face, and her thoughts indicated she was proud of Bella for not 'rolling-over and playing the submissive' anymore, which she had often remarked in her thoughts as one of Bella's flaws. And it was rare for anyone to stand-up to Carlisle.

Carlisle paused for a moment, at a loss for words, the rest of his apology having been derailed. "Very well, then." His discomfiture quickly faded, and his demeanor was now all business. "Has Edward told you everything that occurred here last night, and what the significance of those events are?"

"Yes," Bella answered. "We discussed it at length, and I am pretty clear on everything he told me, including my choices and their possible ramifications for all of us involved."

Carlisle nodded, and shot a quick glance in my direction, accompanied by his thoughts '_does she really understand everything, Edward_?' Carlisle knew Bella was bright, and perceptive, but having not spent as much time with her as myself he really didn't know just how smart she really was.

Bella quickly glanced from Carlisle back to me, and I was not surprised that Bella was able to catch our quick communication. I nodded to Carlisle, and he focused again on Bella. "OK, Bella. Then please tell me what you would like to discuss tonight. We are all at your disposal, and want to help you in any way we can."

Bella looked briefly at the members of my family, and took a deep breath, gathering her thoughts. I had seen her do this frequently in the past when she was trying to calm herself, and I was pleased that this was another one of her traits that had not changed.

She looked at Carlisle as she spoke: "Edward explained to me what my choices were, and I have decided on what I want to do."

This was surprising to everyone in the room, as she had barely taken any time to think through her decision; indeed, Carlisle and I both had thought she was here tonight to ask more questions and get more information. In the past, she had said that making decisions was sometimes difficult for her, and she would analyze choices and repercussions before settling on a definitive course.

So this rush-to-judgment, as it were, was completely unexpected.

However, even as I was ready to voice my surprise, a gasp from Alice alerted me to a vision she was having; but the moment I focused in on her thoughts she was blocking me out. All I got a glimpse of was Bella with a large, concealing hat in the back of a car, speeding away in the night.

Without breaking her rhythm or getting distracted by Alice's gasp, Bella continued speaking. "I know that whatever I do I am going to be hurting people: my mom, my dad, my friends. I am going to be saying goodbye to most, if not all, of them, whatever I do." Bella's voice broke on the last word, and she averted her eyes, looking down at her hands as she tried to control herself and keep from breaking-down.

I wanted to go to her, and gather her in my arms, and I tensed to move: but Alice looked at me and shook her head, warning me off. '_No, Edward. Let her get this out,_' Alice said in her thoughts, with a sad melancholy echoing them.

Bella gathered herself, and continued in a more forceful tone: somber, but determined. "But I also know that I need to do what is right for me, at this time." She looked at me then, her brown eyes locking with mine. I couldn't break away from her stare, from those fathomless pools of rich, melted chocolate, swirling with depth and emotion.

She looked away first, and I watched as her eyes rested briefly on everyone in the room, lingering on Alice last.

I saw a slight quiver in Alice's bottom lip, and immediately tuned back into my sister's thoughts, but then Bella was speaking again.

"Carlisle, I want to vanish. I want to disappear, with a new identity, and have my surgery and follow up treatments done somewhere else, where no one can find me." Bella said each word carefully, clearly, her voice quiet but ringing with authority and finality.

There was a moment of stunned silence: no thoughts or words were spoken, and then, in a deluge, the thundering thoughts of my family bombarded me, along with a choking gasp from Esme.

Amidst the flurry of voices, all resounding with disbelief and grief and worry for me, a single thought ran through my head.

Bella was leaving.

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**A/N - Poor Edward. What will he do? And why is she going away?**

**And will he get his happy ending? Will Bella?**

**Reviews are appreciated!**


	24. Chapter 24 - Goodbyes

**A/N : Sorry for the time between updates getting longer. Have much less time for writing these days, but this story is beginning to wind down. Only a few chapters to go, then prep for the probable sequel. This story had originally been targeted at 50k words, but it looks like it will end up about double that.**

**At this point, I look like I probably will have to write 2 endings for the story to please the the diehards. One will be the 'real' ending, and another will be sort of an AU outtake ending, sort of a 'what if'. Not sure how I will do that yet, but we shall see. **

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_Previously_

_I saw a slight quiver in Alice's bottom lip, and immediately tuned back into my sister's thoughts, but then Bella was speaking again._

_"Carlisle, I want to vanish. I want to disappear, with a new identity, and have my surgery and follow up treatments done somewhere else, where no one can find me." Bella said each word carefully, clearly, her voice quiet but ringing with authority and finality._

_There was a moment of stunned silence: no thoughts or words were spoken, and then, in a deluge, the thundering thoughts of my family bombarded me, along with a choking gasp from Esme._

_Amidst the flurry of voices, all resounding with disbelief and grief and worry for me, a single thought ran through my head._

_Bella was leaving._

* * *

**Chapter 24 - Goodbyes**

Bella turned her head away, and I saw her cheeks flush red from the shocked and pointed stares she was receiving from everyone at the table.

I was still in a semi-shocked state, as her last words thundered in my ears. My vision faded to a single point, centered on her brown eyes which were gazing at me again. I looked deep, deep, into those brown windows, trying to pluck the truth from her very soul, asking the question: 'why are you leaving me?'

No one spoke, and a heavy silence filled the room; nevertheless, it rang loudly in my ears, as the thought of Bella, somewhere in the world, living out her last few years without me, constricted my chest and tore at my heart. This was a worse pain than when I left her, when I was holed-up in Brazil, knowing that the power to return to her was in my hands. But now? Now, I was on the receiving end of being left behind, and it was a truly dreadful experience having no control over my fate.

Despite the parallel lines of thought running through my mind and the inundation of my families thoughts that were threatening to bury me, I held my gaze on her, and was able to only choke out one brief phrase: "Why, Bella?"

She averted her eyes again, as my family's stares all bored like lasers into her. She took a deep and steadying breath, and then she slowly raised her head, determination clear in her eyes. "I have listened to and accepted the reasons you all left me last year, and have forgiven Alice and have begun to renew our friendship." She nodded at Alice, who gave her a tight-lipped smile. "But I have in no way moved completely past the devastation that I felt from your abandonment."

My family winced at her words, and they all looked on sadly, empathizing with her, and knowing that she was being kinder than they probably deserved.

Bella continued on, in a small voice. "You need to understand that when you all left me, something broke inside of me. And it's by no means fixed. It's just barely scabbed over, ready to burst open again."

Esme let out a quiet sob, and I wished for Jasper's calming influence to sooth the room. Bella herself looked sad, and her hands were tightly clasped together in her lap. "I don't mean to upset anyone, but I want you to all understand why I feel the need to do this."

She looked around the room, meeting everyone's eyes, and then continued. "I was lost for so long, I honestly don't remember much from last fall. I was walking around and attending school, but I was dead inside. I lost all my friends, and was only peripherally aware of everyone whispering about me and staring at me. I wouldn't speak, and would barely eat. Everything tasted like ash to me, and I was like an automaton, just existing from day-to-day, no hopes, or dreams, or plans. I was a soulless, dead thing."

I grimaced at her reference to her soul and this description of herself: the exact thing I left to prevent from happening. But before I could get lost in my own self-flagellating pity party she was speaking again.

"It wasn't until I began spending time with Jacob Black in January that I even felt like I could breathe normally. When I was with him, I actually found myself coming slowly back to life. It hurt – God, it hurt -but I didn't feel like I was keeping myself from shattering into little pieces."

I winced, and had to fight to keep my jealousy of Jacob Black at bay. And my own self-hatred swarmed-up and around me. I had done this to her. Me. I had practically forced her into the dog's arms.

Bella looked at me, undoubtedly noticing my reaction to her reference to Jacob. Her voice grew quieter, and sad. "When Laurent found me in the meadow, I was sure I was going to die when he started to taunt me. He told me Victoria was after me, and was going to torture me to death in an attempt to hurt Edward. But I knew it would not hurt Edward, not anymore. And when Laurent told me I must not have meant much to him as he left me unprotected, I could do nothing but agree with him."

Bella continued on remorselessly, unaware of the burning in my chest, of how her words were hollowing me out, of my absolute need to crush her to me and never let her go. "I didn't know about the Wolves then, so when I saw these giant beasts come-out from the forest and chased him away, I left in a panic, running back through the forest, barely making it out again; and then I spent the night shivering in bed, reliving his words, afraid that at any moment Victoria or Laurent would come crashing through my window. I had no idea that these wolves could finish Laurent off, and I expected him a deadly visit from one of them that night, and for every night after.

Bella shivered when she said this, and I let myself think and feel the horror she must have went through during that time.

"Had Jacob not shown up when he did, I am quite positive I would have ran off or killed myself, if only to keep Charlie out of the line of fire. Those plans had already begun firming up in my head, and when none of you showed-up, I assumed that I didn't mean enough to Alice and the rest of you to either stop Laurent or Victoria or stop me from killing myself. I knew what would happen to him if Victoria or Laurent came upon my house with Charlie there."

More horror. Would it not stop?

Again my family's thoughts bombarded me, chastisement and sadness and anger; and above all, sorrow, and pity. Pity for Bella, pity for me. And pity for what might have been, had we stayed.

"After I knew about the Wolves," Bella continued, "I was able to more or less keep my sanity intact. The motorcycles helped me, as I hallucinated Edward's voice whenever I rode them; his 'voice' would ask me to be safe and grow angry with me the more reckless I became. It wasn't much, but I was at least able to convince myself that he cared about me, at least a little."

Defying words were forming on my lips, but Bella looked at me and shook her head. She did not want to be interrupted, so I choked-back my fervent denial of her misconstrued meaning of my feelings.

Without seeming to pause, she was speaking again. "It was around this time when we found out about my aneurism's. I had gotten into a motorcycle accident, and went to the hospital for stitches and a head x-ray. "

Bella paused here, taking a deep breath, and when she started talking again her eyes were downcast, and her hands were clasped tightly in her lap. "When I got the news, it was like my world stopped, and it was like my eyes were opened for the first time since you all left. I was determined, from then on, to let all the tension go, let the angst and sorrow just bleed-out of me, and try and find some sort of happiness with the short time I had left."

My family was starting wide-eyed at Bella, engrossed in her sad tale; but Bella wouldn't meet any of their stares, and a slight flush reddened her cheeks; this was obviously difficult for her to talk about. "Soon after, I began to change my behavior: quite drastically, in fact. I became rebellious, and wanted to experience the things other teenagers experienced, before I no longer had the chance."

Finally, she lifter her head, and stared right at me. "I was reconciled with the fact I would die, and soon: either Victoria would get me, or my condition would. And after much soul-searching, I was eventually OK with that."

Bella paused for a long moment here, and stared out the window. She began speaking again, without turning back towards the room.

"And then, Edward returned." She said this quietly, with a hint of anger and sadness behind the words; but also, a feeling of helplessness. I wanted to run to her, embrace her in my arms and cradle her, telling her it would all be OK. But she wasn't finished yet.

"Everything I thought I knew about why you left was turned upside down. Things I had accepted as truths were suddenly in doubt, and I found myself again feeling lost, drifting, not in control of my own destiny."

With a deep sigh, she turned back towards us. "And that is why I need to go away."

Her words confused me. "I don't understand, Bella," I managed to gasp out.

She nodded, and met my gaze with a look of sadness."I remember once that you told me that a person's thoughts and feelings and personality are essentially frozen when you are changed, right?"

Though she was talking to all of us, she turned and looked at Carlisle.

"Essentially yes," he answered. "That is for the most part accurate, though we are capable of mental growth and adapting to new social mores and such. However, any real change is very difficult for us, and in many cases impossible. We are pretty much 'frozen' with our fundamental traits and personalities locked-in. Only major events – such as finding one's mate – can alter us in any significant way."

Bella nodded her head. "And right there is why I can't be changed now. Because if I was changed now, feeling the way I do…," she trailed off, and we leaned forward as a group, waiting for her to finish her thought.

She didn't disappoint. "I don't want eternity if it means feeling the way I do right now. Uncertain, distrustful, unhappy…I don't mean to sound rude, and please don't take this the wrong way. But I don't fully trust anyone in your family right now. And to commit to eternity, feeling that way forever… I would be frozen that way: never really trusting any of you, and that would be locked into my personality forever. And I don't trust myself, or my ability to make this kind of decision right now with everything that is happening in my life."

Bella's words were met with another stunned silence. I knew I had broken her trust, but I didn't realize the extent to which it extended to my family. And hearing her state it, so matter-of-factly, left me reeling.

"What don't you trust, Bella? We love you, and would never leave you again. You know that, right?" Esme asked in a broken voice, trying to understand, trying to make Bella understand.

Bella looked at me quickly before averting her eyes, but the implication was clear. I was the root cause of her distrust. She sighed, before looking again at Esme. "Esme, in my head, I might know that. But the heart feels what the heart feels. It's not a logical organ," Bella smiled ruefully. "If it was, Edward would have never gotten close to me last year, and I would have run screaming long ago." Rosalie chuckled at this, but I couldn't bring myself to feel any humor.

Bella was silent for a moment, and then began speaking again, staring-off at nothing. "There is also another reason I am hesitant, and need to give this more thought. "

She paused, and then continued. "I always thought so much of your family's humanity, and that buoyed my decision to want to join you all in immortality. I didn't think I would fundamentally change my core personality, but I couldn't be sure. Every time I wanted to talk about changing, Edward would shut me down and grow angry."

I ducked my head in shame, knowing her words were true, and how she must have perceived those actions of mine, and the pain I had inadvertently caused her.

Bella waited until I was able to look at her again before resuming. "But I am afraid now that I will change too much, maybe into someone I won't even recognize as Bella Swan."

"What do you mean, Bella?" Carlisle asked gently.

She took a deep breath, before her words cut through the air like steel knives. "I mean that if it's possible for a vampire to claim to love someone as family, but then leave them behind without even a goodbye – knowing that the person they are leaving is heartbroken, and in pain, and will have no one at all they can talk to about what is ailing them - then I think being a vampire will take me further from my humanity then I had thought it would. For as a human, I would never have been able to leave any one of you the way that you all had left me. I would have insisted on a goodbye, and closure for the person being abandoned, and would have made sure that I had a way of keeping tabs on them in case they ever truly needed my help."

Dead silence greeted her words, and my family's thoughts were filled with shame.

Bella, seeing the effect her words had on us, continued in a softer voice. "I don't say this to be cruel. But I am not sure anymore that I am comfortable with losing my humanity if it means that I could do something like that. If I was to lose myself so far that I could do that to someone I claimed to love, then I really won't be Bella Swan anymore. And I don't know who I would be. Will I even be me? And if I am not, then perhaps my relationships with all of you will also change. So, I am not sure I want to find out. I would rather die young as Bella Swan than live forever as a creature who doesn't have an identity and could lose herself so far that such things as abandoning those I claim to love is considered acceptable behavior."

Bella's words faded, and the only sound in the room was the quiet sobs of my family and the gentle noise of Bella's breathing and heartbeat. Her eyes trailed hesitantly over my family, and she chewed on her bottom lip.

No one spoke, and it was apparent that no one from my family was going to address her words: they all smacked too close to truth. And there was no defense against her statement. Yes, it is true that I had made them leave Bella behind, but had they chosen to override my decision and stay to help Bella – or at least stay in touch with her – then I could not have stopped them.

Bella sighed then, and began speaking again. "It's only been a week that you have been back. And I know that - despite Edward's eloquent words about love and forever - that a large part of me is very wary of starting a new relationship with him. And it would have to be new. There is no way we can go back to the way we were before. It's like we once were each pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that perfectly matched-up; but now, my pieces have been worn away: by grief, and illness, and suffering. And the edges of my puzzle pieces have been shorn and ripped and new, jagged lines have taken their place. And I don't know yet if my pieces and Edward's will fit together properly anymore."

The metaphor she used was agonizing, and every part of me wanted to shout out in protest against her words. But I didn't; her feelings were her own, and trying to dissuade her of them would get me nowhere. All I could do was try to show her how much I loved her, and try to win back her trust.

But if she left, how would I do that?

"If I was changed now, I would take bitterness and anger and distrust with me into the change. And if that was locked-in to me for eternity…well, I don't want forever if it means I will feel like this. I need to get away, to try and come to grips with the things Edward has said to me, and to try and heal, mentally, away from all of you."

The thoughts of my family were jumbled, but at some level, most of them understood what Bella was saying. Not surprisingly, Rosalie understood most of all: she had been changed at the absolute lowest point of her life, betrayed by the man she was to marry, and it had left severe marks upon her personality. She trusted so few people, and had a very hard exterior; she never wanted to give anyone the power to hurt her – in any way – ever again.

Bella's voice grew more firm when she started speaking again, and she turned to look at me. "I am hopeful that I can come to terms with Edward's offer of forever; the old Bella wanted Edward and the rest of you as her family for eternity. And I know I still love you all. But I am no longer that old Bella. And I need to learn to trust you again, and trust that never again will something like what happened when you left could ever possibly recur."

"Of course it would never happen again," Esme exclaimed.

"Perhaps," Bella allowed. "But last year, after calling me sister and daughter and claiming me as one of your family, you left me without even a goodbye, with no possible way to contact you. Those scars – and fears – cannot be unmade by a few declarations and a week's worth of time."

"But Bella, if you are away from us, how will you learn to trust us?" asked Alice, fear evident in her golden eyes. She knew that if Bella left and she could not see her future, that anything could happen, and we would have no warning.

Bella grimaced. "I don't want to have to go away from you. But I also am not ready to be changed. So, since my options are limited, I need to take the one that makes sense for me."

I finally found the will to speak. "Bella, if you are away from us, and something terrible happens with your condition, we may not be able to get to you in time. And because of the risk of Aro reading our minds, we won't be able to know where you are. If something goes bad, you will have to contact us – and if you are in a hospital in a coma, you won't be able to do that."

Bella nodded slowly, as if this had already occurred to her. "I understand, Edward. Maybe it won't take me long to resolve all of my issues. And I know there is a risk." She took another breath, before meeting my eyes again, tears forming at the corners of her beautiful brown orbs. Her entire demeanor was pleading for my understanding. "But the odds are good that I will have at least one, maybe two years without there being too much risk. It's not until three years from now that the odds of a rupture will be higher than 50%."

I was shocked at her words. "You want to stay away for a year? Or two? Bella, that's too long! You are playing Russian roulette with your life!" My voice came out angrier than I had intended, and she flinched from my tone.

I was immediately contrite, but my mind was reeling. Two years! I was thinking maybe a month, or two…how could I survive that long, not knowing where she was or how she was doing?

I opened my mouth to speak but she cut-me-off. "I don't agree Edward. And it's my life, and my choice. Not yours." She said this quietly, but with steely determination.

At that point, my mind shut itself down, and I was only peripherally aware when Bella began speaking again with Alice and Carlisle. They discussed logistics of getting her new identification, about treatment options, about what she would do; Alice gave her ways to contact us when she was ready.

They continued on for maybe thirty minutes, but I didn't register any of their words. It was all background noise to me.

Finally, there was silence. Everything had been said, and Bella was standing-up, preparing to leave.

My family's thoughts were swirling, weighing her words, looking for hopeful aspects of her decision. Esme, as was expected, had the most hopeful outlook. 'She still loves you Edward. I don't think it will take her a long time to come back to you, to us. This might be good for her.'

Carlisle also had an optimistic view, though his was colored by worry about her condition.

Alice was worried; she could barely see Bella anymore, and was scared that something might happen to her and she would not be able to see her future.

Rosalie's thoughts were the most surprising: she was worried about me.

Bella embraced everyone in a hug, and asked Alice to drive her home. As she passed me, she looked-up at me, her brown eyes watery. A single tear leaked from her left eye, and made a trail as it dripped down her cheek.

I rubbed it gently away with my thumb, and a sob broke free of Bella and she was melting into my embrace, quietly crying into my shirt as I held her. My family had departed from the room, to give us a semblance of privacy.

"Bella, please don't cry," I implored her. "Go do what you must, and then come back to me. I will wait for you, Bella, for as long as it takes. I love you, and have always loved you, and will always love you."

She raised her head and looked at me seriously from only a few inches away, her arms still wrapped around my waist as she was held by me.

"Edward", she finally said, her voice cracking. "I will always love you too. That is not in question. But last September, even though we loved each other, it wasn't enough to keep us together. And if I can come back to you, I will." She sobbed again, a few choked, strangled noises that ripped at me.

It was my mistake that caused this, my mistake! What could I do to fix it?

Bella finally got her crying under control, and looked up at me, for once the mask of hardness not at all apparent. Her soulful eyes were filled with love for me, and it took me a moment to realize she was speaking."…and if we never see each other again…," here she looked away, swallowing forcefully before continuing in a quieter voice, "if you ever fall in love again, don't let your fear and self-loathing rule you. You _are _worthy of love, and sometimes you have to take the plunge, and take a chance."

With a last squeeze around my waist, Bella disengaged herself from me, and Alice quietly took her hand and led her outside.

I turned around, with my back to the front door of my house, and slowly slid down the door until I was lying in a crumpled heap at the base. I listened to the car door's shut, and then slowly the sound of the engine disappeared down the drive.

Bella…my Bella…was gone.

* * *

**A/N - Angtsy, I know. But if they are to end up happily together, these things needed to be aired properly.** **And Bella has a lot of mental healing to do.**

**My thanks to those loyal reviewers:jo69lowe, frostedglaze, boxerfan,KClaughs, jansails,ded1, yeddi,Vampswolfs4l, sujari6, luna and a few others! **


	25. Chapter 25 - Unwelcome Visits

**A/N – sorry for the wait! R/L is intruding again, and my update schedule has stretched from bi-weekly to monthly.**

**Almost finished though (hopefully) and then the sequel, which is sort of demanding to be written in my head.**

**Thanks again to the loyal readers and reviewers! **

* * *

_**Previously**_

_"Bella, please don't cry," I implored her. "Go do what you must, and then come back to me. I will wait for you, Bella, for as long as it takes. I love you, and have always loved you, and will always love you."_

_She raised her head and looked at me seriously from only a few inches away, her arms still wrapped around my waist as she was held by me._

_"Edward", she finally said, her voice cracking. "I will always love you too. That is not in question. But last September, even though we loved each other, it wasn't enough to keep us together. And if I can come back to you, I will." She sobbed again, a few choked, strangled noises that ripped at me._

_It was my mistake that caused this, my mistake! What could I do to fix it?_

_Bella finally got her crying under control, and looked up at me, for once the mask of hardness not at all apparent. Her soulful eyes were filled with love for me, and it took me a moment to realize she was speaking."…and if we never see each other again…," here she looked away, swallowing forcefully before continuing in a quieter voice, "if you ever fall in love again, don't let your fear and self-loathing rule you. You __are __worthy of love, and sometimes you have to take the plunge, and take a chance."_

_With a last squeeze around my waist, Bella disengaged herself from me, and Alice quietly took her hand and led her outside._

_I turned around, with my back to the front door of my house, and slowly slid down the door until I was lying in a crumpled heap at the base. I listened to the car door's shut, and then slowly the sound of the engine disappeared down the drive._

_Bella…my Bella…was gone._

* * *

**Chapter 25 **

**Unwelcome Visits**

Time is a funny thing for a vampire. At times, it moves by in a steady, uninterrupted flow, as inconsequential and meaningless to our existences as the movement of the stars above their heads are to most humans.

So it was for me, until I met Bella; then, time's meaning changed. Every moment spent with her was precious, all the more so because they were limited by her precious mortality and her short years. Time with her meant peace; time away from her meant restlessness. Like a drug, I needed her. She was my 'addict's fix', and I always yearned for my next hit.

When I had left her last year, despite the almost constant pain it caused me, a part of me always had the comfort of knowing I could return to her at will, to at least check on her, and try to win her back if I so desired.

I shook my head in disbelief, as my current circumstances reminded me of all that I had lost. My arrogance back then was truly astonishing, to think I could walk into and out of her life when I chose.

Looking back on those short months with her, I realized that our relationship was a series of short vignettes of brief interludes of blissful happiness punctuated by a near constant backdrop of danger, and my brooding on how I would have to leave her before she got hurt.

The irony of the situation was not lost on me. In the end, I got what my twisted, masochistic-self kept insisting on: that she leave me behind.

I sat unmoving in my room, staring emptily at the forest that opened just outside the large window-wall that made up one side of my bedroom..

Bella had been gone for 12 hours now. Alice had returned a few hours earlier after having left with Bella, and nodded quietly when Carlisle asked if she was gone. I paid no attention to their discussion, the challenges, and the logistics involved in getting her away. ID's had apparently been taken care of by someone Jasper had done business with – not his usual contact, Jenks – but the source was hidden from me, and Jasper had insured that there was a chain of people involved in the final forgeries so it would be time consuming and difficult for someone to track her down. None of us knew what her new identity was, if she had changed her appearance, or if she was even in this country any longer.

I knew that I didn't have long to wallow, as there were many loose ends that needed tying-up. About an hour after Alice left with Bella, Jasper and Emmett had returned from their recon mission; they had discovered dozens of ash piles – the remains of the newborn army, apparently - in two separate locations. Surrounding the remains were the scents of the Volturi; it appeared that the Volturi had taken care of most – if not all – of the Newborn army and the threat of them descending upon Forks – and Bella - was finally gone.

The only questions remaining involved how much the Volturi had learned about us from the Newborns. Did they even know of our involvement at all? Did they take care of Victoria, preferably before they could question her?

And other, more disturbing questions came to mind. Was Aro with the Guard, and if he was, did he have a chance to read Victoria's, or her Captain Riley's, thoughts? If he had done so, then all might be lost, as one touch of his hand and he would know every thought that had ever passed through their minds, and he would see Bella and know that we had broken the secrecy law.

My family members drifted around the house, absorbed with their own thoughts. Carlisle had informed us that we would be having a family meeting that evening to discuss this very issue, and I forced myself to focus on something other than my grief over Bella's decision to leave me.

Suddenly, Alice's thoughts showed she was being pulled into a vision, and I cringed when I saw our immediate future unfolding.

As the vision ended, Alice called out to everyone: "The Volturi are coming. They are almost here."

Carlisle rose calmly from the couch, but his face looked grim. "How long, Alice?"

Her voice was a whisper. "10 minutes maybe."

Everyone moved to the family room, as Jasper dialed Sam, telling him to keep the Wolves back on the reservation. Thankfully, the Wolves were fully briefed on the danger the Volturi represented and acquiesced without difficulty. They had no interest in fighting them without reason. They had even helped remove the blood snares we had left, once we told them the news about the newborn army's demise.

Sam did warn us, however, that if one of the Volturi was found hunting on Tribal land, they would not hesitate to defend their people.

Despite being fearful - and frustrated - by this, I knew that if the situation was reversed, I would do the same: no matter the danger I would protect my family with everything I had.

Standing next to Emmett and Jasper in the living room, I suddenly I picked-up a group of thoughts – thinking in Italian - at the edge of my range, rapidly approaching our house.

It seemed we had gotten Bella out of here just in time.

I looked over at my sire. "Carlisle, I hear them, maybe three or four miles out. They will be here within maybe two minutes."

He nodded quickly from his position next to Esme, and took her hand in reassurance when he sensed her distress. Carlisle was the only one who seemed un-flustered and calm, and I don't think that was only from Jasper's calming gift that was suffusing the room.

We were soon all able to hear their approach, and they slowed as they made their way across our front lawn, a line of still, black figures that approached us as if they were floating above the ground. The family walked calmly out onto the front porch, and arrayed ourselves in a long line.

The Volturi Guard – of whom I had seen many times in Carlisle's thoughts but had never met myself – were clad head to toe in long, flowing robes the color of damp ashes. There were five of them, with the two shortest in the center of the formation. I read their minds, which were confident – almost arrogant – and calm, but their thoughts were almost unnaturally blank or repetitive. I caught a few stray thoughts only, and realized that Aro had told them about my gift, and they were doing what they could to block me. Which also meant that Aro must have already been informed about the Cullen's involvement with this newborn fiasco.

Thankfully, none of the five looked to be Aro, Caius, or Marcus. Just their Guard. I sighed in relief: Aro might not know anything about our rule-breaking yet. And each hour we could delay that knowledge gave Bella a chance to further disappear.

_Please Bella_, I prayed, _please be safe_.

Jasper picked-up on my emotions, and he raised an eyebrow at me, without taking his eyes off of the approaching threat.

As they neared the porch, Carlisle stepped forward, and raised his right hand in greeting. "Welcome to my home. May I know who I have the honor of addressing?" Carlisle's voice was calm, and controlled, and he spoke in English, instead of their preferred Italian.

As one, the Volturi members stopped in their tracks, still some ten feet from us; pale hands reached up and they lowered their hoods.

The two faces in the middle surprised me the most. Based on descriptions I had heard, I knew them to be Jane and her twin brother Alec. Jane was small, perhaps no taller than Alice at just under five feet; Alec, her twin brother, was perhaps five-foot six or so. The twins had been changed as young teenagers after being rescued by Aro as they were being burned alive at the stake for witchcraft. Their exact ages were unknown, but they couldn't have been older than fifteen or sixteen, and perhaps as young as thirteen. It was difficult to tell, as their faces had an ageless quality to them, and their eyes – though a deep, ruby red – were calculating and wise.

Of the other guards, I recognized two from Carlisle's memories: Felix, the hulking giant, purportedly an expert in several forms of eastern martial arts and wrestling; and Demetri, tall, lean, Roman in appearance, and famed as the world's best tracker. The fifth member was unknown to Carlisle, and none of the Guard had thought of his name yet. He too was large, though not so large as Felix or Emmett, and he stood with a cat-like poise, balanced on the balls of his feet. His mind was exceptionally alert, and he swept his gaze continuously across my family, like a warrior preparing for battle.

Looking closer now, I could see that the unknown Guardsman's cloak was not quite so dark as the other four, which were almost black. From my discussions with Carlisle, I knew that the darker the robe the higher the Guard's rank, so this one was lower ranked than his companions.

My brief perusal took less than a second, and I focused in as Jane answered Carlisle's greeting.

"Hello, Carlisle. It has been a long time." She spoke in English, with a slightly Eastern European accent to her words. Her tone was neutral; neither inviting, nor threatening, and her young-girl voice was clear and sonorous, almost bell-like.

"It has, indeed," replied Carlisle, nodding slightly at the other Volturi members. "I am very surprised to see the five of you here." Carlisle was not going to give anything away yet. We had discussed the possibility of a Volturi visit, and until the Volturi gave us a clear indication of why they had sought us out, we would not admit to any specific knowledge of why they were in the area.

Alec smirked at Carlisle's answer, and I caught a quick flicker in his thoughts before they went back to blankness or meaningless banter. He knew that we were aware of why they were there, and that we were aware of the newborns in the area.

Clearly, they had gotten information from at least some of the Newborns.

Our fate – and Bella's - rested on how much they knew.

It was Jane who answered Carlisle. "Come now, Carlisle. I am quite certain you know why we are here. The newborns who were after your coven were quite eager to tell us – after sufficient 'persuasion', of course – about your coven of 'Golden Eyes', who were trying to exterminate them and all other red-eyed vampires. Quite the story they were telling, as you would imagine. Clever, too. Their creator kept them in the dark, and made them quite wary of your coven. They imagined you to be hell-bent on taking over the Vampire world."

Jane smirked, and shook her head lightly. "Of course, their true reasons for wanting you gone were not told to them. And none of the newborns knew anything at all about the Volturi, and undoubtedly had been left in the dark intentionally by their sire. They were flagrant in their disregard of our secrecy laws. A most unforgiveable crime, and quite against our rules." She laughed quietly at this, but her eyes were hard, and she stared directly into Carlisle's eyes.

I scanned the Guard's thoughts, and I did not flinch when I witnessed the torturous methods they used to extract information from the newborns. I was trying to determine if they knew the truth about Victoria's vendetta against Bella and myself.

I tried to dig deeper, looking for any evidence of the red-haired witch, and I was rewarded when I briefly had a glimpse of her and another vampire – older than a newborn, based on the garnet color of his eyes – before her thoughts cut-off and she focused on reciting old Italian libretto's. She was clearly well-informed about how to block-me out, but I had seen enough.

I quickly let the image of the other vampire penetrate my thinking - there was something familiar about him that I couldn't place. I focused on him again, and realized that I had seen him in the thoughts of the newborn – Jonas - that we had questioned a few days earlier. His name was Riley, and the Newborns were apparently reporting to him. He was Victoria's Captain, and it appeared that the Volturi had him.

As I pondered this, Carlisle hesitated before answering Jane. He was uneasy at Jane's insinuations about our knowledge, and her hard glare when she talked about the secrecy laws; but he quickly regained his calm, thanks to both his strong will and Jasper's subtle calming influence, which he was exerting over both sides.

Carlisle took a small breath, and needed a moment to collect his thoughts. He quickly ran through several scenarios in his mind, but settled once again for politeness and feigned ignorance. "I am glad that you were able to end the threat they posed. The number of deaths in Seattle was causing us much concern." Carlisle gave a slight nod of his head, as if in thanks, and continued. "Unless you are leaving immediately for Volterra, I would like to introduce my family to you, and welcome you to rest and refresh yourselves in my home before you return to Italy."

Jane and Alec exchanged a quick glance, but their thoughts gave nothing away. After a brief moment, Jane turned back to Carlisle. "Yes, that would be…welcome. We will soon be returning to Volterra, but would like to meet your family. Aro will be most interested in hearing my report, I am sure." Though her words started-off friendly, there was a subtle menace to them when she finished. In her thoughts, I again saw a flash of Victoria and Riley.

I suddenly realized something else about Riley: his 'human' face was listed on 'missing person' flyers that were stapled to various utility poles and shop windows all over town. He was a Forks resident, and lived with his parents, Mr and Mrs. Biers, before he vanished about 7 months ago.

Now I understood what happened to him. Apparently, Victoria took him, bit him, and used him as a shield against Alice's visions by letting him make the day-to-day tactical decisions, leaving Alice in the dark. She had never met Riley, and so she could not predict his future. She didn't even know to look for him.

Victoria was cunning, no doubt of that. And she had far more information on how our gifts worked than I was comfortable with. It was not hard to pinpoint who must have informed her of our talents: the traitor Laurent was the obvious choice.

_Damn him_! I should have ended him last year: letting him run off to Denali had been a mistake.

As these thoughts ran through my mind, I realized that we were much luckier than we deserved. Victoria's plan would have worked, and Bella – and probably my family as well – would be dead now. We were saved by two factors that she had overlooked: The Wolves, and the Volturi. Without their assistance, it is certain that Bella would have been killed, and it was doubtful that the my family would have come through a battle without casualties.

Still lost in my thoughts and only giving the present situation brief attention, I stepped aside as the Guards walked past Carlisle's outstretched hand and entered our home. They quickly arrayed themselves on one side of the room, with the exception of Jane, who casually walked around the well-appointed space, admiring the hanging artwork and expensive antique furniture.

When she finished her brief tour, Carlisle introduced us all, and finished by asking Jane, "Can you tell us who your new member is? I have not had the pleasure of his acquaintance."

It was Alec who answered this time, as Jane was still absorbed in looking at a large, original Pissaro that was hung over the stone fireplace. "This is Santiago. He joined the Guard about fifty years after you left, Carlisle." Alec's voice was also that of a young man, not sonorous like Jane's but not quite as full or as deep as an older boy or adult man would have had.

Carlisle nodded at Santiago, who bowed his head for a moment in greeting. In his thoughts, I saw that there was some respect given to Carlisle by Aro, and this had apparently been enough to merit a greeting from Santiago, whose thoughts were otherwise cool and calculating.

An awkward silence hung over the room while Jane finished her inspection of the painting; finally, she turned back to us. "Let us speak frankly, Carlisle. We captured the leaders of these newborns." At this, the thoughts of my family turned somber. We knew we were skating on very thin ice now.

Jane let her eyes wander over my family, their red gleam threatening, before focusing again on Carlisle. "Does the name Victoria ring any bells?" Her voice was tightly controlled, and her eyes were now bright and eager.

Emmett let out an involuntary hiss at the mention of her name, before controlling himself once more. Jane did not miss his slip though, and a cold smile formed on her lips. "Yes, thank you for confirming it. We had to spend time with her pawn, a youngling named Riley, before he would give up her name and location. And even so, she was very hard to track, and she eventually escaped into the water. Demetri has her signature now, and we shall find her later."

I let out a slight breath I didn't realize I was holding, and was not surprised to find the same glimmer of hope and relief in the minds of my family. All was not yet lost: they did not have Victoria.

My relief was very short-lived, however, as I realized that Riley must have told them as much as he knew, and I didn't doubt that Demetri would eventually be able to track Victoria down. And when they did, they would learn of Bella.

I caught a glimmer of Jasper's thoughts as they were directed at me: '_they must not know everything yet Edward, or Jane wouldn't be here talking with us. Rather, we would be on the way to Volterra already._'

I silently agreed with him, but the tension had not lessened by much.

Jane was speaking again. "Meanwhile, we shall take our time with Riley, who is currently on his way back to Volterra, boxed-up and in pieces. He will be reassembled there, and Aro shall learn everything in his mind before he is put on trial for his crimes."

The news that they did not have Victoria was the only piece of good news so far. But the reality of Riley still being alive, and on his way to Aro, left me with a sinking feeling in my gut. This was echoed in the thoughts of my family, as we realized our fate – and Bella's – now hung by a thin thread.

Now it all depended upon how much Riley knew.

My vampiric mind ran through several possibilities, and I was not surprised to hear Jasper doing the same, and Alice scanning ahead for visions of our possible futures.

I estimated that the worst case scenario we were facing was that Riley knew more than he told Jane – in fact, knew everything about Bella and our relationships with her - and Aro would soon have this knowledge. If this was the case, my family would be guilty of breaking the secrecy law, which had severe consequences, which I had heard many times before from Jasper, Carlisle, and our cousin in Denali, Eleazar.

Usually, the Guard would collect the vampire or coven who broke the law, and detain them while the human who knew of us were brought to Aro (or killed on the spot if it was not easy or possible to get them to Italy).

The second worst case, would be Aro either coming here or immediately demanding our presence. We might be able to delay for a while, but as soon as he touches any one of us, he will know everything; how we exposed ourselves to humans when I stopped the van, how we let Bella continue living with the forbidden knowledge of our world, and how we then left Bella without supervision and with a very good reason to want to hurt us, when we left her last September in such a cruel and abrupt manner.

I did not know Aro or the brothers at all, but from what I gathered from Carlisle's thoughts, the most volatile of the Three, Caius, might demand extreme punishment on our coven; this could take the form of anything from mandatory service in the guard, to imprisonment, or even death. Perhaps Carlisle's friendship with Aro would mitigate our punishment somewhat, but regardless of the punishment doled out to the Cullen coven, the 'human' would be ordered to be put to death, unless we could convince the brothers to allow us to change her.

Figuratively speaking, I was sweating bullets for Bella, and I was thankful that none of us knew exactly where she was. Even her new identity was buried under several false trails and we did not know the name of the person who ultimately supplied her with the false identification. Yes, Aro could chase down the person Jasper originally contracted with to furnish make Bella 'disappear' and try discover to whom he sent Bella to. But Jasper had wisely insisted that each person 'downstream' from the original source be unknown to him and preferably located outside of the Pacific Northwest; thus, it would take a lot of tracking and work for the Volturi to find Bella; but if they were determined to do so, I didn't believe she would be able to hide for long.

And the fact that we went to such lengths to hide her would not go unnoticed by the Volturi.

I once again regretted not changing her when I had the chance to do so, and every fiber in my body was telling me to run to Jasper's contact and find her myself, and then hide her away from the world and convince her to join me in eternity.

All of this passed through my mind quickly, and I was brought out of my reverie when Carlisle answered Jane. "We are glad you finally caught them, Jane. Their newborn army has been terrorizing the population here for quite some time. I am surprised that they did not come under your jurisdiction earlier."

Jane's thoughts briefly flickered in annoyance at Carlisle's words, and her expression hardened. "Are you questioning our effectiveness, Carlisle?"

As ever, Carlisle's voice was diplomatic, smooth, and calm. He met Jane's stare without fear. "Not at all, Jane. In fact, the opposite," said Carlisle. "The Volturi usually bring lawbreakers under control very quickly, and I was just surprised this one got as far as it did."

Jane squinted at Carlisle for a moment, before smoothing her face back into an expressionless mask. "Very well then. We shall be returning to Volterra. I would expect that there will be follow-up questions from the Masters. Please make yourself available should they contact you."

She said this in a neutral tone, but her thoughts were threatening. She suspected that our involvement in this mess was deeper than we were saying, but she would not act without Aro's consent.

"Of course, Jane," answered Carlisle. "We shall be leaving Forks at some point in the near future as we strive to keep a low profile and maintain secrecy, but if you leave me a way to contact Aro or his representatives I will inform them of where we will be."

Jane nodded at Carlisle, recited a name and number to him, and then, without another word, the Guard turned and left the house, vanishing as quickly as they had come. They ran east, heading for Seattle and the private plane that would take them back to Volterra.

My family turned to me, asking me in their thoughts if I had heard anything to indicate they knew we were lying to them.

"No," I announced. "They don't know everything yet; but once they get Riley re-assembled back in Volterra, I have no doubt that we will be hearing from Aro or Caius. Clearly she suspected that we knew much more than we were saying, and from what Carlisle has told me of Aro, he is going to want the full story from one of us."

Alice grimaced, focusing her gift on unraveling the tangled lines of our future, but there were too many decisions still to be made, too many unknown variables for anything to be clear.

I knew that, for now, staying in Forks any longer was pointless. The only reason we returned – Bella – was no longer here, so staying on would not only not serve any purpose, but would anger the Wolves. We would make sure that Charlie had Alice's contact information, so Bella could get in touch with us if she returned, but besides that I didn't know if she would ever come back here again. Hopefully she would keep in touch with Charlie, and he would pass on the number to her.

If he didn't – or if she didn't call before her illness took her – then I feared I would never see my Bella again.

And then, despite the enormous strength that flowed through my granite body, I felt truly powerless; and even Jasper's calming influence wasn't enough to keep me from the feeling that my dead heart was splitting in two.

* * *

**Poor Edward. Will he ever see her again?**


End file.
